What would you do?

[Elizabeth86]

I have this friend ( I use this term loosely as we dont know each other too well, but we talk when our kids are at events together.) I like her event though we are a bit different. She has a bigger family and I think she uses the teenagers as babysitters a bit much for the little ones. We were at an event this week and as I was buckling my kids in the car my dh saw her teenage son spanking the almost 3 year old in their car about 10 times dh said. What to do? Dh said the spanking was quite excessive, but holy cow this is touchy stuff. I wouldnt know what to say. Im wondering if things go on like this all the time. She seems to put so much on the olders to keep up with the little ones. I wonder if she honestly would care as long as she isnt having to keep up with all the little ones.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Wow, I don't know.  That's a tough one!

 

 

[Elizabeth86]

Wow, I don't know. That's a tough one!

Yeah. I was too surprised to know what to do at the time, but Ive felt guilty about not saying anything.

[maize]

I don't know but if I could find a way to address it with her I would.

 

Because that really, really worries me.

 

Frankly I just might tell her about the teenage boy down the street who stabbed to death his (homeschooled!) younger brothers while babysitting them. I just can't imagine that encouraging or permitting a teenage child to be physically violent towards a younger sibling is a good idea. I would worry that a) this is going on without the parent's knowledge, or worse b) it is being encouraged by the parents.

Edited July 13, 2017 by maize

[footballmom]

I would say something - probably along the lines of "I'm not coming from a place of judgement at all, I think communication between moms is important...my husband observed your teenager spanking your younger child 10+ times on X day.  He thought it looked excessive.  Again, I'm not judging at all - maybe you spank maybe you don't, just thought you should be aware of this".  

[MEmama]

I'm sure in the moment I would have been too stunned and then sickened to say anything.

 

Going forward, I don't think I would confront her, but I would certainly keep my distance from her and her entire family. No way could I respect someone who allows physical violence (and no, I wouldn't assume I could possibly be the only other person to witness that).

[momacacia]

Um, wow. I would certainly say something.

[zoobie]

I would say something - probably along the lines of "I'm not coming from a place of judgement at all, I think communication between moms is important...my husband observed your teenager spanking your younger child 10+ times on X day. He thought it looked excessive. Again, I'm not judging at all - maybe you spank maybe you don't, just thought you should be aware of this".

I'd leave out the judgment part because that would be a bald faced lie, but something along those lines. And I wouldn't care if it ended our "friendship" should it turn out that she's okay with her older kids beating the youngers.

Edited July 13, 2017 by zoobie

[unsinkable]

I have this friend ( I use this term loosely as we dont know each other too well, but we talk when our kids are at events together.) I like her event though we are a bit different. She has a bigger family and I think she uses the teenagers as babysitters a bit much for the little ones. We were at an event this week and as I was buckling my kids in the car my dh saw her teenage son spanking the almost 3 year old in their car about 10 times dh said. What to do? Dh said the spanking was quite excessive, but holy cow this is touchy stuff. I wouldnt know what to say. Im wondering if things go on like this all the time. She seems to put so much on the olders to keep up with the little ones. I wonder if she honestly would care as long as she isnt having to keep up with all the little ones.

"DH saw your son spanking your 3 yo in your car. He said it looked very ____ (harsh, forceful, hard...what ever word describes it) and the 3 yo was hit 10 times."

 

Then stop talking. Wait her out and hear what she says.

 

She might say she knows and it is fine. Or you might be giving her new info.

[nixpix5]

Oh wow. I actually have no idea how I would of handled this. I often try to not impose on others' parenting choices but in this situation I probably would feel I should. "I know your teens watch the little ones and I am not trying to step on toes here but felt like you should know that my husband witnessed your teen spanking your little one. I am only telling you in case you wanted to follow up with him"

 

My sons, when they were teens, did preschool pick up and watched their siblings a couple times per week when DH and I had work schedules that overlapped. I insisted that the kids obey their brothers in our absence as their caretaker but would have never been ok with my sons spanking them (they weren't spanked so I doubt they would even think to do that) but still, I would be furious. If they are more traditional in their parenting though it might be something they are ok with so tread lightly.

[SKL]

Tough one.  I have to admit that I have spanked my younger siblings at times when a mature person would have found a better solution.  Kid told my mom, who instructed me not to do it any more.  I would assume the kids' parent would want to know so the teen could be given adult guidance on discipline, or duties rearranged if he lacks sufficient maturity.

[carriede]

I might even use the word beating instead of spanking. More than 10 is for sure not disciplinary spanking.

 

"DH saw your son beating the 3 year old. He hit him more than 10 times!"

[marbel]

I'd leave out the judgment part because that would be a bald faced lie, but something along those lines. And I wouldn't care if it ended our "friendship" should it turn out that she's okay with her older kids beating the youngers.

 

I agree.   There's no point in saying "I'm not judging" because obviously the person is judging. If the spanking appeared normal to someone, it would be unremarkable and thus the witness wouldn't think to bring it up to the parent.  Only someone who saw it as wrong would feel the need to bring it up.

[bettyandbob]

I would just tell her and expect she probably wouldn't talk to me anymore. But I think it's important to tell her. 

 

I have judgement for overuse of older siblings doing parenting. It's hard on the older kids. I understand in some family situations it may be necessary (parents in survival mode with working and getting by), but mostly it is not. I feel like YOU had the dc so YOU need to raise them. Having a younger sibling should not impact an older siblings childhood or opportunities to play sports, participate in extra activities, work and be part of the larger community or explore his own interests growing up. It's a set up for resentment, poor decision making. 

 

My older kids have done occassional babysitting for, but I paid them. I never let babysitting get in the way of their activities. A teen who is spanking is probably babysitting way too much and incredibly resentful of his situation. I would assume if he is spanking, he could escalate and do something devastating. The mom needs to protect both the teen and the the 3 year old by stepping up to actually parent. 

[Bootsie]

Is there some reason why your husband can not talk to her or the father?  It seems to me it what be better to better about what was observed.

[Elizabeth86]

Is there some reason why your husband can not talk to her or the father? It seems to me it what be better to better about what was observed.

We actually dont know him. The activity is during day work hours, my dh works nughts so hes there and her dh is at work

[MegP]

Sounds like they are Michael Pearl followers....ugh.

[Plink]

Speak to the mom.  That poor 3yo could be saved from future beatings.  None of us can fix a bad situation with our kids if we don't know about it.  She may surprise you.

 

If she decides to do nothing, at least you did your level best to remedy the situation.  

[gaillardia]

My children never had permission to hurt/hit one another. This is not discipline by any means. This is "I'm sick of watching you and this is how I deal with my frustration and lack of control over my own life." 

 

That is not a fine line. That is messed up. In some states, anyone who witnesses that sort of behavior is legally responsible and a mandatory reporter.