Wanting to grow up too soon!

[zaichiki]

I don't mean in a reckless or risky way. No. And no real rule breaking. But she seems to be in such a rush to grow up!  

 

Last week my 15 year old spent a very full five days at a small chamber music festival that was about 50/50 high school and college-aged musicians. Dd's group was a college group (half were master's degree students). Of course it was natural that, after spending many hours a day rehearsing with them, she would want to hang out with them during down time as well. So they frequently walked to local restaurants for lunch or dinner together

 

By the third night I found myself yelling: "You must text me BEFORE you go!  You must tell me where you are going, who you are with, and when you expect to be back! No, 'some place about four blocks away with some people' is NOT good enough." I told her if it happened again I was going to literally walk her from place to place all day long and she would have to spend every meal with me. Tomato-staking anyone? LOL

 

Thank God these musicians are all incredibly serious, mature, "goody-two shoes" types, or I'd have had a coronary! It's crazy: she's just so comfortable hanging out with them that she seems to easily "forget" her young age! (I sure hope THEY don't!)

 

She is eager to head off to college and I do believe, when she does go, that she will not look back.

Sigh.

 

Do you find your older accelerated learners tend to grow up faster than typical? Do they burst out of the nest like racehorses out of the gates? How will I survive this???

[mathnerd]

Mine is younger, but has always asked me to find out what his options for early college entrance were. At age 9, we had toured 4 prospective college campuses already.

Edited July 5, 2017 by mathnerd

[Tanaqui]

Well, of course, we're all different, but I wouldn't expect my 14 year old to give me a detailed itinerary, not when she has a phone with her. "I'm going a few blocks away with the group to eat, keeping my phone on" would be what I'd expect. (Though I do expect to be informed if she changes plans in the middle of the day.)

 

I mean, what if she isn't sure where they're eating, or if it runs later than she expects? She'd just have to text again. I don't want to have all those texts. She's working this summer. So long as I know whether or not she's eating dinner at home, that's all I need to know about her evening plans. Next year she'll be in high school. Her school has outside lunch. She's not going to text me her lunch plans every day, and I don't expect her to.

Edited July 5, 2017 by Tanaqui

[retiredHSmom]

Mine was just like that and did go to an early college program and now as a 20 year old she wishes that she had waited.  That said she is still rushing to grow up and always wanting to move on to the next stage.

[zaichiki]

Well, of course, we're all different, but I wouldn't expect my 14 year old to give me a detailed itinerary, not when she has a phone with her. "I'm going a few blocks away with the group to eat, keeping my phone on" would be what I'd expect. (Though I do expect to be informed if she changes plans in the middle of the day.)

 

I mean, what if she isn't sure where they're eating, or if it runs later than she expects? She'd just have to text again. I don't want to have all those texts. She's working this summer. So long as I know whether or not she's eating dinner at home, that's all I need to know about her evening plans. Next year she'll be in high school. Her school has outside lunch. She's not going to text me her lunch plans every day, and I don't expect her to.

 

Hmmm... does your 14 year old hang out with a bunch of college guys (20-25 year olds) she barely knows? Walking around a city she doesn't know? Would that change things for you? And if not, I respect that. But it was too much for *me.*

[Tanaqui]

*shrugs*

 

If I didn't want her hanging out with her adult classmates I'd say "No lunch with your classmates, they're adults and you're not" or "No lunch unless there are people your age there". But honestly, at that age, it runs the risk of encouraging dishonesty unless you're able and willing to check up on her in person, a tactic which causes its own issues.

[zaichiki]

*shrugs*

 

If I didn't want her hanging out with her adult classmates I'd say "No lunch with your classmates, they're adults and you're not" or "No lunch unless there are people your age there". But honestly, at that age, it runs the risk of encouraging dishonesty unless you're able and willing to check up on her in person, a tactic which causes its own issues.

The issue wasn't that I didn't want her hanging out with them. The issue was that I could deal with that if I knew "where, when, and with whom." In advance. (And there were a few times she didn't answer my texts. Nothing awful. Just didn't have the phone on her body and as usual had the ringer off. But it bothered me because for that hour I honestly had  no idea where in the college or in the city my child might be and she wasn't where I expected her to be.)

 

She's honest with me. And she usually makes good choices. It's just that she's a heck of a lot younger than the rest of the group and I want her safe. Because I love her. That's all.

 

Edited to add:

The high schoolers who were dorming at this festival had to travel in groups together with a dorm chaperone when they went out for meals. My dd wasn't dorming, so she didn't fall under their supervision rules.

Edited July 5, 2017 by zaichiki

[Tanaqui]

*shrugs*

 

At any rate, though it's not what I would do, it's definitely not something completely bizarre and overprotective where I'm like "Lady, you're ridiculous".

[Arcadia]

Hmmm... does your 14 year old hang out with a bunch of college guys (20-25 year olds) she barely knows? Walking around a city she doesn't know?

  

 She's honest with me. And she usually makes good choices. It's just that she's a heck of a lot younger than the rest of the group and I want her safe. Because I love her. That's all.

I was a latchkey kid growing up in a neighborhood with drug gangs. My mom was "don't ask don't tell". I can totally understand the worry. I get asked for dates since 7th grade and the biggest age gap was 10 years older. I do know the city, which back alleys to avoid and where the police posts and security stations were.

[regentrude]

I don't find that in any way unusual. I don't consider this "growing up too fast". At 15 y/o, my parents surely did not keep tabs on me, and there were not even cell phones. I traveled to other cities by byself by train.

 

My DD was always more mature than her age, and same age kids were never really peers for her.

At age 14, she was taking college classes, and her best friends were college seniors, and she spent all her time hanging out with them. I am glad for these friendships.

At 15, she spent her day on campus and with her friends, without informing me about the details where they went and what they did. 

She moved away to college at 17.

 

 

Edited July 5, 2017 by regentrude

[Dmmetler]

((Hugs)). I get it. There's a difference between "Mom, leave me alone, I'm with my friends" when the friends are of legal drinking age and above and your kid can't legally drive yet compared to when it is other kids who actually still have a bedtime. Unfortunately, I think that's a natural consequence of a kid finding their people who share an interest and level of dedication among those who are older. The JMIH is next week, and this is weighing on my mind because DD is so ready to see her friends-and most of her friends there are grad students or post-docs. They're good kids (well, 20-somethings), but DD can't go talk salamanders at a local microbrewery! I have fears that dinner will turn into her waiting outside a bar in some sketchy area or something (although, I have to say, this hasn't happened-although there have been times that it has involved sitting in a public area of a hotel lounge where DD drinks a coke while others drink local beers and talk salamanders). And I freely admit to having a few allies who I have been known to contact directly and request that they keep me updated(enough 20 something herpetolologists are parents themselves to understand why a mom would appreciate a text that "we're at PF Chang"-while recognizing that DD might not think to do so).

Edited July 5, 2017 by dmmetler

[zaichiki]

I don't find that in any way unusual. I don't consider this "growing up too fast". At 15 y/o, my parents surely did not keep tabs on me, and there were not even cell phones. I traveled to other cities by byself by train.

 

My DD was always more mature than her age, and same age kids were never really peers for her.

At age 14, she was taking college classes, and her best friends were college seniors, and she spent all her time hanging out with them. I am glad for these friendships.

At 15, she spent her day on campus and with her friends, without informing me about the details where they went and what they did. 

She moved away to college at 17.

I know you grew up in Germany and I think that, even today, the culture there is more "free-range" than most places in the US. My parents were raised in the US during a time when it was usual for a whole neighborhood of kids to run around everywhere after school together. I was raised in the US, but it was different. My little brother and I were the *only* kids in our town going out everywhere and anywhere whenever we wanted without adult supervision.

 

 We went riding our bikes everywhere at 7 years old unsupervised all day long. Mom never knew where we were and I had a couple of close calls at that young age with a highway. (I was young and stupid and had no supervision. What can I say?) At 15 I was taking 3 public buses to and from school every morning and every evening when the other kids my age were on a school bus or being driven by their parents. When I was 16 mom didn't come home for two weeks (I cooked and cleaned and went to school). I was also at college at 17.  

 

But I am raising my kids differently.

 

We live in the country, on a farm, so they do go outside without me. They have time and space for themselves.

Dd goes to music school in the big city and walks blocks to get coffee and whatnot with her friends. I'm cool with that. I only ask that she tell me before she goes -- where, with whom, and when, approximately, she'll get back.

 

It felt really different, this time, though. Different city. And I know it's the age of the people she was hanging out with that made it feel different for me -- and the fact that she was so comfortable in that group, comfortable enough to totally feel "one of them" and just not "get" my concern.

 

I know that she may very well go off to college at 17.

I am NOT ready.

 

Edited to add:

It was also obvious to me, at the time, that many kids older than my own were required to travel in groups with a chaperone... and here she was gallivanting around with the college group. But, like I said, she's honest and usually makes good choices, so I was willing to go with that (with the same limits we always have -- text me where, when, and with whom). But it was hard for me. I'm very thankful these people were all very serious, low-key  personalities. I know it will not always be that way.

Edited July 5, 2017 by zaichiki

[Guest]

I would also not have an issue with during the day updates, as she is traveling with a group and is an experienced visitor to city. If she doesn't know anyone else, hanging with this group is the logical choice. If your concern is that she was the only female, rest assured that young men know how jailbait is defined, and they would park her with a group of females or link up with a female containing group if there were concerns on their intentions that would reflect on their professional aspirations. There is of course, no guarantee that a male group is composed solely of men interested in women, or men with male anatomy. For your peace of mind, perhaps you could track her phone?

Edited July 5, 2017 by Heigh Ho

[Arcadia]

My kids have location services turn on for their phones as do I because we tend to misplace our phones. That would help especially when my husband is the kind who doesn't remember to text and DS12 is similar.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

For such a mature and reponsible 15yo, I'd honestly be more concerned about inhibiting her social success at this event by helicoptering; for me, finding activities my gifted/advanced kids could enjoy, where they could truly connect and make friends, was a challenge. If it was working, I tried to let them be "normal" for the culture of that particular activity, when possible.

 

If you were afraid of drugs, drinking, sexual hookups with college students, naïveté that would lead to danger, that would be totally different. You would need to treat her like a child, and keep her from socializing with the class. But it really doesn't sound like you had those fears.

 

Sorry for not JAWY! But I think her behavior is age and stage appropriate. That said, I definitely know what it feels like to suddenly realize my kids have moved up in maturity, and to have to make adjustments I wasn't sure I was ready for. You have my sympathy! Growing pains for mom are not fun.

[8filltheheart]

I get your concern.  I would be concerned also.  But, I also know know my kids would send a quick text saying something like "going to XYZ with group from rehearsal."

 

FWIW, I have a very close family member who totally regrets letting her dd head off to college at 15.  She made a lot of poor, lifelong impacting decisions.  It totally took her mom by surprise b/c she was very mature and responsible when she had been living at home. 

 

Honestly, I have a very different perspective than other posters in this thread.  I think that teens do make stupid decisions that they don't think are stupid at the time.  I also treat my 15 yr old dd differently than her 18 yr old sister.  I see those 3 yrs as ages of major maturing and self-awareness growth.  No apologies from me for parenting the way I see appropriate.  If you want your dd to text you, she needs to text you.

[zaichiki]

For such a mature and reponsible 15yo, I'd honestly be more concerned about inhibiting her social success at this event by helicoptering; for me, finding activities my gifted/advanced kids could enjoy, where they could truly connect and make friends, was a challenge. If it was working, I tried to let them be "normal" for the culture of that particular activity, when possible.

 

If you were afraid of drugs, drinking, sexual hookups with college students, naïveté that would lead to danger, that would be totally different. You would need to treat her like a child, and keep her from socializing with the class. But it really doesn't sound like you had those fears.

 

Sorry for not JAWY! But I think her behavior is age and stage appropriate. That said, I definitely know what it feels like to suddenly realize my kids have moved up in maturity, and to have to make adjustments I wasn't sure I was ready for. You have my sympathy! Growing pains for mom are not fun.

No danger of inhibiting her social success: I generally only wanted to know where she was going to be during her hour break (off to lunch) and where she was headed after 5pm. I don't consider that helicoptering.

 

My entire goal was for her *to* be able to hang out with this social group... but it was hard for me because the group was older. (Also, it wasn't older like, we're all grown-ups and you're a kid so we'll watch out for you. It was two days before they even realized she wasn't a college student. She was clearly just fitting in as a peer.)

 

But I get it: you guys think I am over-sheltering. Okay. But would all of you *really* send your 15 year old dds off with a group of new-to-her 20-25 year old guys (and some college girls) around a new city with no knowledge of where they were or when they'd be back?  Really???  If that's the case, then I guess I am really a bit heavy on the supervision... but most of my social group is likewise and those other high school students had supervision... so I don't feel *so* weird being anxious about dd's taste for independence.

 

I think you're right: I think her behavior *is* age and stage appropriate. But it's just too fast for *me!*  I guess I am just not eager for her to grow up and away... Sigh. She's so eager.

 

(She should have been expected to handle the regular communication protocol, right? Hence my yelling.) I don't think I would have yelled had it been a high school group. I think I was more anxious because the group was older and because I knew she was so comfortable with that.  I bet that makes no sense to you all, right? LOL It just really made me feel nervous. But I let her do it anyway, thinking the whole time that I was insane in doing so...

 

Edited to add:

This thinking ("I am insane for letting her do this") is becoming repetitive. I have been thinking this a lot lately.

Edited July 5, 2017 by zaichiki

[zaichiki]

I remember letting my 16 year old take a Greyhound from our home state into NYC... and meeting him at Port Authority. That did not make me nervous. I hate to say this, but I think it is easier *for me* with the boy. I feel like the girl is more likely to be a target. (Also the boy is tall. He makes a visual impact. I think *I feel* that people with negative intentions are less likely to mess with a bigger male?) One more thing. The boy is cautious.  He's not a risk-taker. (That is easier on mom.) The girl loves adrenaline. Heh. (Thankfully so far she has not made any stupid choices. I know... I know... this will not always be the case.)

[daijobu]

Zaichiki, I totally get your concerns.  I hate it when my dd doesn't answer my texts when I do not know where she is.  And hanging out with college kids is ... concerning, although from your description maybe not too worrisome.  

 

I would wonder how thrilled those college students are to have a high school kid tagging along.   I know I wouldn't appreciate being an unpaid babysitter or having to watch my language just because she wants to tag along.  (No offense, I don't mean your dd specifically.  She probably blends in just fine with like minded musicians.  Who knows?  They are probably spending their break discussing music!)  

[regentrude]

I would wonder how thrilled those college students are to have a high school kid tagging along.   I know I wouldn't appreciate being an unpaid babysitter or having to watch my language just because she wants to tag along.  (No offense, I don't mean your dd specifically.  She probably blends in just fine with like minded musicians.  Who knows?  They are probably spending their break discussing music!)  

 

They may have no idea she's in high school.

At 15, my DD was tutoring engineering physics at the tutoring center of our university. None of the college students ever suspected her age; she had presence, poise, and subject expertise. (The only few times it ever came up when somebody asked her out and she told them how young she was... scraed them off immediately.) 

[Arcadia]

I would wonder how thrilled those college students are to have a high school kid tagging along. I know I wouldn't appreciate being an unpaid babysitter or having to watch my language just because she wants to tag along.

As a city kid growing up, the problem with going out with a group of drinking age adults was that they sometimes forget the high school kid is underage for drinking and also for driving until they are at the entrance of a bar. The relatively safe drinking places my friends frequent were all very near public transport that run past midnight so it was a non-issue.

 

My cousins are mostly much older so they drink at hotel lobbies if we are waiting for our ride home so that all the underage cousins can stick around together. Most of my relatives swear and I had heard much worse at bus stops.

 

I didn't have older adults "clean up their language" when I was underage but I had male colleagues and customers do that for fear of being blamed for harassment. The minute there was a lady in the staff lounge, they were more careful in speech.

Edited July 6, 2017 by Arcadia

[zaichiki]

They may have no idea she's in high school.

At 15, my DD was tutoring engineering physics at the tutoring center of our university. None of the college students ever suspected her age; she had presence, poise, and subject expertise. (The only few times it ever came up when somebody asked her out and she told them how young she was... scraed them off immediately.) 

Yeah... they didn't realize right away. A couple of days into the festival one of them asked where she went to school. When she answered with the name of the conservatory, she tagged "Pre-college" onto the end, like she always does. She told me they were surprised, and yes, asked about her age.

[Harriet Vane]

Zaichiki, I am 100% with you on this.

 

It's not helicoptering. It's recognizing that even the most mature 15-year-old is still young and naive. It's about encouraging her to enjoy adult life while still keeping tabs.

 

My daughter flew by herself to South Africa at age 19 and she touristed around Capetown for a week alone (had a room with trusted friends of friends but was alone all day, every day). She also spent three weeks as an exchange student in Honduras. I certainly cannot be accused of helicoptering, but I have always had the same requirement you do for young teens and knowing where they are at, with who, and what they are doing.

[Donna]

I understand what you are saying and, yes, I want to know where my dd is, with whom (generally), and an approximate time of return...if only in case of emergency. 

 

My dd has a good head on her shoulders and makes good choices but she is a 15 yo girl nearly always hanging out and playing music with adults and for the past year, people seem to be surprised when they learn her age (she has been offered alcoholic beverages more than once in a "hey, everyone else is having something, what do you want" sort of way). She is poised, mature, and communicates well.  She feels more comfortable sending me texts to let me know what's up, where she is, and every now and then to let me know what's going on. She has rules (many of which she found herself on the internet) such as not taking an open drink from anyone, not going into someone's hotel room to rehearse (she can rehearse in a public spaces without me around...we are usually in hotels in these situations), etc...

 

I find myself struggling to walk the fine line of parenting and staying out of her way while she forms bonds with fellow musicians. It is hard in strange cities with people we don't know. I don't have any problems with her running around with other young people closer to her own age but it is hard when everyone else is an adult, especially when they are not adults who know her (and her age so look out for her) and who we know well.

[daijobu]

I also want to point out that it doesn't matter AT ALL what we think about your concerns.  If your mom-sense is telling you something is wrong, then act on it.  Don't second guess yourself and don't let us judge you.  You know your daughter and her situation better than any of us.  

[mathnerd]

 

 

But I get it: you guys think I am over-sheltering. Okay. But would all of you *really* send your 15 year old dds off with a group of new-to-her 20-25 year old guys (and some college girls) around a new city with no knowledge of where they were or when they'd be back?  Really???  If that's the case, then I guess I am really a bit heavy on the supervision... but most of my social group is likewise and those other high school students had supervision... so I don't feel *so* weird being anxious about dd's taste for independence.

 

I don't think that you are over-sheltering. If my son were 15, I would ask him to let me know his location and who he is with if he was going out in a new city with a group of 25 year olds. To me, It is not out of the norm. I am not over-protective nor am I sheltered - I moved across country to live by myself, as a teen. But, I am super cautious and I knew how to handle myself.

 

PS: my son is tall for his age, passes off as a much older child, has a black belt in martial arts and is excellent at sparring. But, if he were only 15, I would worry if he went out with new acquaintances in the evening in a new city and would like to know where he was. And, please don't feel judged.

Edited July 6, 2017 by mathnerd

[luuknam]

When I was in 14 (in 10th grade), we took a field trip to Paris, and iirc we were allowed to walk around outside without any chaperones, though we were told to not walk around alone, iirc. Now, since that was in spring, most of my classmates were 16, though ones with late spring or summer birthdays were 15, and, like I said, I was 14, and they knew that (summer birthday, 1 year grade skipped). This was just before cell phones too (I'm not sure if anyone had a cell phone, but I'm pretty sure no one had one with them, since France was abroad).

[Black-eyed Suzan]

This thread is giving me hives.  :svengo: I am not at all ready for the teen years!

[katilac]

 I know I wouldn't appreciate being an unpaid babysitter or having to watch my language just because she wants to tag along.  

 

I can't imagine college students being worried about watching their language with a teenager. She's 15! Even homeschoolers have heard all the words by then, lol.