Mom out and about with sons question...

[Guest]

Question for those who are uncomfortable with an 8 or 9 year old boy being in a women's restroom with his mother... Are you also uncomfortable with a transgender person being in the restroom with you as well?

[zoobie]

Question for those who are uncomfortable with an 8 or 9 year old boy being in a women's restroom with his mother... Are you also uncomfortable with a transgender person being in the restroom with you as well?

Or someone who simply looks more masculine than someone thinks she should? One of the staff members at DH's firm was harassed in a public restroom by someone accusing her of being transgendered. She was really scared she was going to get attacked. :(

[Tanaqui]

Question for those who are uncomfortable with an 8 or 9 year old boy being in a women's restroom with his mother... Are you also uncomfortable with a transgender person being in the restroom with you as well?

 

They're more at risk than I am!

 

My concern with the 9 year old boy in the ladies' room is for him - in our society, gender segregation of bathrooms is a big deal, he's approaching puberty, he might be really uncomfortable because the socialization is kicking in. I'd be plenty happy with co-ed public bathrooms, if that was our norm.

[Ravin]

I wouldn't trust my 9 yr old to assist another child, but I don't know if he's NT. For example, if the 4yr old didn't want to cooperate (play in the sink or something) the older child might not have much control. Would they go in a stall together or huddle around a urinal together? I think that would be awkward if grown men came in to use the urinal and there wasn't a lot of personal space.

 

No one "huddles" around a urinal. Most likely one of them would use one urinal while the other used another. If one doesn't like urinals, there's always a handicap accessible stall that's plenty large for two to stand in while they take turns doing their business. DS got the hang of urinals when he was 3 and we were in a particularly filthy men's room at a small gas station. It was literally the only sanitary option. I wouldn't let him set foot in the stall and was very glad I didn't need to go (I haven't got the hang of standing to pee so I always use a stall). 

 

My biggest concern with letting a child use a public restroom independently is entirely their ability to recognize whether conditions are sanitary enough to use the facilities, plus getting over being scared of loud toilets so they'll flush. Other people don't really even directly factor in to the rubric.

[heartlikealion]

No one "huddles" around a urinal. Most likely one of them would use one urinal while the other used another. If one doesn't like urinals, there's always a handicap accessible stall that's plenty large for two to stand in while they take turns doing their business. DS got the hang of urinals when he was 3 and we were in a particularly filthy men's room at a small gas station. It was literally the only sanitary option. I wouldn't let him set foot in the stall and was very glad I didn't need to go (I haven't got the hang of standing to pee so I always use a stall). 

 

My biggest concern with letting a child use a public restroom independently is entirely their ability to recognize whether conditions are sanitary enough to use the facilities, plus getting over being scared of loud toilets so they'll flush. Other people don't really even directly factor in to the rubric.

 

What I was thinking is the older child, if he needed to help, would have to stand next to the younger child. Therefore making a tight fit for other people if the place was busy. I don't know if public urinals are usually adequate height for a 4yr old. I didn't know if big brother would have to lift up the little kid or just go in there to remind him to wash his hands or what. If your 3 yr old could use a urinal I guess some are mounted a lot lower than I thought.

 

[Ravin]

What I was thinking is the older child, if he needed to help, would have to stand next to the younger child. Therefore making a tight fit for other people if the place was busy. I don't know if public urinals are usually adequate height for a 4yr old. I didn't know if big brother would have to lift up the little kid or just go in there to remind him to wash his hands or what. If your 3 yr old could use a urinal I guess some are mounted a lot lower than I thought.

 

 

Most restrooms with urinals have at least one that's low enough for a small person to use. Urinal stalls (when they have stalls) are also pretty much open, but far enough apart that it's unlikely someone assisting a child at one would be in the way of anyone else. The reminder to wash hands can still be mom's responsibility if she's standing outside.

[AimeeM]

I would have no problem taking my boys (5 and 8) into the women's room -- and I wouldn't bat an eyelash at seeing younger minor boys (even those over the ages of my boys) in the women's bathroom. 

Edited July 3, 2017 by AimeeM

[maize]

The chance of a stranger abducting or raping a child they do not know is statistically extreme low

According to this Department of Justice page 10% of perpetrators of sexual assault on children are strangers to the child.

 

https://www.nsopw.gov/en-US/Education/FactsStatistics?AspxAutoDetectCookieSupport=1

While that is a minority, it remains statistically probable enough to be concerning to me.

Edited July 3, 2017 by maize

[2squared]

What I was thinking is the older child, if he needed to help, would have to stand next to the younger child. Therefore making a tight fit for other people if the place was busy. I don't know if public urinals are usually adequate height for a 4yr old. I didn't know if big brother would have to lift up the little kid or just go in there to remind him to wash his hands or what. If your 3 yr old could use a urinal I guess some are mounted a lot lower than I thought.

 

Some of these questions seem so weird to me. All my kids were independently toileting by 4yo, and I never questioned how they could possibly use a public restroom....I mean they do it at home without me.

 

For those who do wonder, though, all men's restroom includes stalls and urinals. If your sons don't want to use urinals (and mine don't), they can use a stall (just like at home). There's not much assisting needed for a little boy peeing, at least not my little boys.

 

My little guys listen to their big brothers, and sometimes the brothers do have to assist with washing hands. They use sinks at home, so everyone is able to figure that out without my help too. If little brother doesn't was his hands, big brother tells me and I send them back in. Only takes a couple times before little brother gets with the program.

 

If I felt a location was unsafe for my boys to use the men's restroom, I would think it was unsafe for the girls too. We don't live or travel in such environments, so this hasn't been a concern.

[Ravin]

I will let my son go into a restroom on his own often as not. At a public rest area, my inclination is to escort him--I did this on our road trip yesterday, in fact. I didn't have to go so I stood facing away from the urinals while he did his business. 

 

However he's probably safer on his own in a public restroom than I am in his company because he calls me "mom."

[heartlikealion]

Some of these questions seem so weird to me. All my kids were independently toileting by 4yo, and I never questioned how they could possibly use a public restroom....I mean they do it at home without me.

 

For those who do wonder, though, all men's restroom includes stalls and urinals. If your sons don't want to use urinals (and mine don't), they can use a stall (just like at home). There's not much assisting needed for a little boy peeing, at least not my little boys.

 

My little guys listen to their big brothers, and sometimes the brothers do have to assist with washing hands. They use sinks at home, so everyone is able to figure that out without my help too. If little brother doesn't was his hands, big brother tells me and I send them back in. Only takes a couple times before little brother gets with the program.

 

If I felt a location was unsafe for my boys to use the men's restroom, I would think it was unsafe for the girls too. We don't live or travel in such environments, so this hasn't been a concern.

 

Well it's been a while since I had a 4yr old boy in the house so I don't remember at what age he could reach the toilet easily. Some kids maybe start out standing on a stool at home, which they won't have in a public restroom. Anyway, my child had a lot of obstacles with independence and toilet training so my experience is not the norm. We were dealing with encopresis and constipation. Also some of the underwear has a hole for the crotch and some does not, so there's an issue of do you have to pull your underwear off all the way to go.

 

I have heard stories of no stall available... like the stall was occupied, toilet clogged, door broken, etc. etc. so no, I don't assume that's always available.

[2squared]

Well it's been a while since I had a 4yr old boy in the house so I don't remember at what age he could reach the toilet easily. Some kids maybe start out standing on a stool at home, which they won't have in a public restroom. Anyway, my child had a lot of obstacles with independence and toilet training so my experience is not the norm. We were dealing with encopresis and constipation. Also some of the underwear has a hole for the crotch and some does not, so there's an issue of do you have to pull your underwear off all the way to go.

 

I have heard stories of no stall available... like the stall was occupied, toilet clogged, door broken, etc. etc. so no, I don't assume that's always available.

My boys haven't run into issues of not having a stall available, but if they did, I am sure they would come tell me and we would figure out an alternate approach. This situation would be rare and easy to resolve - not a reason to have him automatically use the women's restroom.

 

TMI, but my boys pull their pants down just far enough to get the job done. They have not needed to undress more than that in doing their business, and I guess I assumed that was the norm. If they did need help, that's one of the reasons their big brother is with them.

 

Maybe I made it too simple in my head. When they were independently toiketing at home, I figured they were ready to be independent in public restrooms as well. Didn't seem to be an issue for us.

 

Bowel movements did/do require additional planning, and still do into the teen years. Go figure.

[EMS83]

My boys come in the bathroom with me still.  There are a few places I know well where I'll send them in alone, but on the road like that, I'd take them with me.  If someone pitched a fit, then we could step outside until they were done and on their way.  Rest areas occasionally have family bathrooms, and I use those when they're available.

 

ETA: exception are single stall restrooms; I'll of course send them in alone there.  My concern is random weird stranger where I am unaware/can't react.  I'd still help a 4-year-old as needed with bathroom stuff, but successful use of the facilities isn't my hesitation in public.

Edited July 4, 2017 by CES2005

[Ivey]

I always find these threads interesting, because I never have a blanket answer about what I do with my boys - I've always just decided in the moment based on the situation, the particular child, and my instincts. 

 

I've taken a 10-year-old, 5'2" boy into the ladies' room at a crowded sporting arena, where the restrooms have multiple entrances and fistfights have been known to erupt in the men's rooms. I've also sent a 4-year-old to use the men's room alone in a restaurant rather than gather up my two toddlers (in the middle of eating) and take them all into the ladies' room. I got comments from other women in both situations (which is why I remember them), but I wouldn't do anything differently. 

[laundrycrisis]

Take them both in with you. If anyone gives you a hard time, give it right back. Their safety is the most important thing.

[Liz CA]

This is a little off topic but given that women are more likely to have children with them using the bathroom, I wish the women's bathrooms were at least a bit bigger than the men's. So often I will see a huge line of women with small children waiting to use the bathroom while the men's bathroom has no line and is the exact same size. Obviously this varies by venue, but I stopped by the library right after preschool story-time this week there and saw probably 30 women in line with small children with maybe 2 men in the entire building. 

 

Good point. Even at venues where women may not have children with them, the ladies' line is almost always much longer.

Edited July 4, 2017 by Liz CA

[Tanaqui]

Good point. Even at venues where women may not have children, the lady's line is almost always much longer.

 

At any given point in time, 4% of American women are pregnant, and even when we're not pregnant we've got smaller bladders. Add that to the clothes issue and periods and you've got a recipe for really, really long lines.

 

(Wait, did I already post this? Now I can't remember.)

[Carrie12345]

I must be weird. My son started using the men's room on his own at about age 6, and waiting outside the women's room for me at the same age. Same for using the YMCA change room for swim lessons.

 

Generally speaking, my 6yo does use the men's room on his own and has for a while.  But exceptions have come up.

 

I took him into the ladies room at our co-op for quite some time (and one of the dads took his dd to the mens) because the doors were so heavy, lol.  It just made more sense to me to take him in and out than to stand on the other side of the other door, trying to hear through it to know when I needed to reopen it for him.  He's strong enough to do it himself now.  Sort of, lol. It's an effort!

 

I also made him use the ladies room at our high school sports fields a while back.  The girls' team was playing way off in the distance and no one else was around, except for a couple of police cars circling the area.  We'd never used those bathrooms before, and the giant cinder block building gave me the creeps.  So he came with me.

 

I really don't care one bit about the gender of people in a bathroom with me.  I'm uncomfortable with ANYONE being in the bathroom with me.  I just got into a fight with my cat yesterday because he didn't want to move out of the way of my bathroom door, that's in my bedroom, which is the only room on the 2nd floor, and only my kids were home.  A 10yo boy will make me no more uncomfortable than a 40yo woman.

[historically accurate]

I would send them in the men's when you go in the women's.  Your 8/9yo can help your 4yo.  You will probably all finish about the same time.

 

The other day my 10yo daughter was horrified to see a boy in the women's.  She said he looked about 9yo.  I think 8/9 is too old (barring special needs).  If you're in a place that is so scary a 8/9yo can't use the toilet, then you as a woman are probably in more danger than your kids, and should find a safer place to stop.

 

My dd's are not happy when boys as big as them are in the bathroom (they are 10 & 11). The 11 year old just recently was too embarrassed to ask me for feminine products (I carry a purse, she doesn't yet) because a boy who was about 8 or 9 was in there at the time. 

 

As a mom, my opinion is to do what you need to do although I will admit I often wonder why a kid of 8 or 9 or up can't go to the men's room. I send my girls in to the public bathroom at about 6 (with an older sister at about 4 or 5). I don't have any boys, but I don't think the men's room is that much scarier that I wouldn't send in a kid 2-3 years older than I send my girls. 

 

Personally, OP, I would send 9 year old and 4 year old in together. I'd then go to the bathroom at the same time. You could take the 4 year old with you if you think it better. We always have a meeting spot when we break up on vacation - so I'd tell him if you get out before me come to this map, booth, etc. If you don't see them at the meeting place when you get out, go to the men's bathroom and call for them. 

 

I find making sure everyone goes to the bathroom every time we stop for food and gas means not a whole lot of rest stop bathrooms although most of them are very nice nowadays. 

[Bluegoat]

I must be weird. My son started using the men's room on his own at about age 6, and waiting outside the women's room for me at the same age. Same for using the YMCA change room for swim lessons.

 

 

 

Sent from my SM-T530NU using Tapatalk

 

No, me too.  Not even because I told him he had to, but he didn't want to go into the ladies.  The only place I ever worried was a men's changing room at a pool, because I knew it wasn't obvious how to get out to the pool, and he couldn't read signs giving directions.

[Bluegoat]

At any given point in time, 4% of American women are pregnant, and even when we're not pregnant we've got smaller bladders. Add that to the clothes issue and periods and you've got a recipe for really, really long lines.

 

(Wait, did I already post this? Now I can't remember.)

 

I used to see lines like this a lot, but I haven't for, oh probably the last 10 years.  I think they have changed the allocation of toilet space in many public buildings here, so the ladies are a lot bigger.

 

I do however notice huge crowds in the family change rooms at pools.  It seems that everyone uses them unless they are an adult with no kids, even pre-teens and teens who could easily use the mens or womens change-rooms.  Those are almost empty compared to my childhood.

 

Which actually makes it a little harder to send in a kid when most really are first able to fend for themselves, in the 6-8 year old range - they are just there with a bunch of older teens and adults.  That's when we were expected to manage getting ready to swim alone.

 

At one place we swim, they've had to set an age for kids to use the family change room, or it just gets overwhelmed.  So, over sevens are expected to use the adult room, unless they need special help.

[2squared]

From personal experience I would say you are closer to average than many of those on this board.

 

I cannot recall having seen a male child older than 6yo in the women's public restroom, so my assumption is that it doesn't happen very often.

 

Good point. Even at venues where women may not have children with them, the ladies' line is almost always much longer.

 

The only venue we frequently attend that doesn't have a line in the women's restroom is wrestling meets.  This is also one of the few venues where I consistently see lines for the men's restroom.  It's wonderfully freeing to not have to worry about lines.