need to vent

[SparklyUnicorn]

Very long story short, my dad visited (left today) and let's just say I don't think things went so well.  He is dealing with medical issues that are going to be life altering so understandably he's being very self centered.  Which ok, that's fine, but I feel like he looks to me to help him with it and I admit I don't want to help.  That in turn makes me feel like a big jerk.  I can self analyze and come up with a pretty good reason as to why I feel the way I do.  Ya know...blah blah.  I know what any therapist would tell me.  But moving forward I guess I just don't know how to respond.  What to do.  How to move past my feelings of animosity. And I have a lot of it.

 

And yes, I know I sound horribly self centered too.  I guess I'm mostly just fried when it comes to dealing with my family members.  Everything has been all about their struggles and their needs and their difficulties and what can I do to help them with that.  Yet, there has never been any of that for my end of it and for what I go through trying to be that rock for them.  I'm not a rock anymore.  I don't want to be.  I'm a squishy soft pillow.  LOL 

Maybe I don't have to be a rock.  But it's like I can't help it either.  I feel compelled to DO something and squash my own feelings and needs.  But I'm tired.  Ya know?

 

I know, that is really really vague.  I just don't know if I'm being terrible or what.

 

 

[Jean in Newcastle]

Sometimes the best way to help someone is to direct them to other resources - whether it is physicians, treatment facilities, therapists, practical help with food prep and other life services. . .    

[bettyandbob]

((hugs))

 

You aren't self centered. You are navigating something difficult.

[OneStepAtATime]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

You had to be a rock even as a little kid.  You have never had a situation with your family where they were truly the ones taking care of and nurturing you.  Neither of your parents was really able to be your rock even when you were little.  You are right, it has always been about them (and it really wasn't their fault, they were dealing with very difficult circumstances) and I don't blame you for feeling burned out now.

 

 

[SparklyUnicorn]

He has taken some steps in that direction so I hope it helps.  Problem is, the "experts" have left him in the dark. I absolutely do not understand why they have, but they have.  You really have to be highly motivated to find the right kind of help.

 

 

[OneStepAtATime]

With regards to your dad specifically you did try to help but he doesn't just want some useful suggestions.  It seems like he wants someone else to do all the work for him and baby him through it and take on all the responsibility while he sometimes participates and sometimes doesn't. That isn't workable.  

[Guest]

You're not being terrible.  :grouphug:

[OneStepAtATime]

I do get that he feels overwhelmed and is not really great at self-advocating and really getting things into place to help himself.  And you don't live in the same city so it is harder to step in and get productive systems in place.  I'm not sure there is a good answer here.

[Guest]

You aren't being terrible. You have responsibilities to your dh and dc. Is the help requested actually needed? I find most of it isn't, its just an avoidance of responsibility or of paying for a service. The things that are actually needed I do.

[zoobie]

I understand. :grouphug:

 

We had a situation involving a medical + legal situation that was totally in DH's (and mine to a lesser degree) expertise. My mom and her husband wanted us to deal with it, but they wouldn't do what DH said. In fact did the opposite. I had told him from the beginning NOT to handle this, and finally he listened. He found another person to handle it and passed them off. When they would call, he (or I could say), oh, that sounds difficult. Did you call TheOtherGuy? He's the man. 

 

So decide how far you are willing to go, set your boundary, make sympathetic noises, and hold your ground. You aren't a horrible person. You're doing what you need to do for your own mental health.

[OneStepAtATime]

Since he has to be on a specialized diet and you tried very hard while he was visiting to implement whatever it was he needed and he didn't follow it at all even though he said that was what he wanted I really don't know that anything you do will net positive results even if you had the time and energy and inclination to keep trying.  He can't seem to break behavior patterns and you aren't with him 24/7 to make sure that he does (not that he would necessarily listen anyway).

 

I don't mean to sound like a wet blanket or that you should just walk away but maybe you helping him in any concrete way is just going to burn you out further without netting any positive results.  Is there someone else that could step in that he might actually listen to and follow instructions from?  As Zoobie said, sometimes you have to set some pretty clear boundaries and turn stuff over to a neutral third party.

[SparklyUnicorn]

You aren't being terrible. You have responsibilities to your dh and dc. Is the help requested actually needed? I find most of it isn't, its just an avoidance of responsibility or of paying for a service. The things that are actually needed I do.

 

It's needed.  Then again "I" can't really help.  I could throw myself into it and help figure it out, but I don't want to.  Not even a little.  I don't even want to talk with him about it.  Which is extreme in the other direction if we are talking about being supportive.  I almost feel angry.  Like wait...I had to deal with all that crap for years and years just to in the end be dumped with this impossible crap?! 

Maybe I'm also upset about this medical stuff because I know the ramifications of it.  This is not a situation that will ever get better. 

[OneStepAtATime]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[displace]

(Hugs).

 

There's only so much a person can do.

[eternalsummer]

I'm sorry.  It is a difficult dynamic and situation.  You are not being terrible.  When my dad was diagnosed with COPD and knew, just absolutely knew, he had to stop smoking and watch his weight (that is, keep eating enough and not get too skinny), it was pretty obvious that he was tired from a lifetime of physical struggle and didn't have a lot of motivation to do the things needed to keep the COPD at bay.  It was hard to watch; probably if he'd done everything every doctor said he could have had 5 or 10 more years. He wasn't trying to get anyone else to take care of him, or anything, but it was still hard to accept that he was in control of his own life and I didn't have the strength or even the right to run his life for him.

[Anne in CA]

OHHHH, I so, so get this. Just once, once, I would like someone other than DH to be my rock. But no, my family made me the codependent one and guess what? I'm more functional now and am not playing ball. You have put others first, you have your own family, you are not wrong or selfish in your feelings at all.

[goldberry]

  I'm not a rock anymore.  I don't want to be.  I'm a squishy soft pillow.  LOL 

Maybe I don't have to be a rock.  But it's like I can't help it either.  I feel compelled to DO something and squash my own feelings and needs.  But I'm tired.  Ya know?

 

 

 

:grouphug:

[Scarlett]

((( hugs)))). I get it. I felt that way about my dad who died 1 1/2 ago. I live almost three hours from him.....and I had zero desire to go help him. Thankfully my brother stepped up and dad only had to go to the nursing home for a few days before he died.

 

It is smart knowing what your limits are.

 

But I hope you can let go of the anger. It only hurts you.

[Hen]

I'm sorry, I get it, really.  I had my 85 year old grandmother live with us for two years, and she was severely depressed most of her life, very negative, passive aggressive and just the usual older person stuff, too.  It had a horrible, negative impact on me.  She just passed away, my stepmom is dying and my dad is facing some health problems and he let me know that he doesn't ever want to be put in a care home...which sent me into a dark place for a few weeks.  But, I've come to the realization that I cannot do 24hr. care for an elderly/ ill person again like that.  I think the best solution (not saying it is easy and I haven't had the talk with him yet) is to come out and say what you are capable of doing.  Like, I can visit twice a week, and or do your grocery shopping and then point them to services or a health aide service for the rest.  I am not looking forward to the conversation.  I am hopping he will buy a home on my street, so he can pop in for breakfast etc. but I can't be a full time care giver again, it was too much for me. There is a lot of personal power is saying what you "can" do and not feeling like you have to apologize for the rest.

[Melissa in Australia]

Hugs

[fairfarmhand]

I'm of the opinion that most baby boomer parents just don't understand what they're asking when they expect elder care. My generation is often raising kids while dealing with elder care issues. And we're not usually talking about six weeks of care. The illnesses that our parents are facing are years of care before they pass, due to the advances of medical science.

 

Op it looks like you also have complicated family dynamics too. Take care of yourself.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Vintage81]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this situation.  :grouphug:

 

You don't sound self-centered at all. To me, it sounds like you've done all you can do, so I think it's perfectly okay to be the soft squishy pillow!

 

I really hope things get better for you soon.

[Guest]

It's needed. Then again "I" can't really help. I could throw myself into it and help figure it out, but I don't want to. Not even a little. I don't even want to talk with him about it. Which is extreme in the other direction if we are talking about being supportive. I almost feel angry. Like wait...I had to deal with all that crap for years and years just to in the end be dumped with this impossible crap?!

Maybe I'm also upset about this medical stuff because I know the ramifications of it. This is not a situation that will ever get better.

I know exactly what you mean. In my situation, dragging me in means the patient is trying to avoid doing the thinking and physical things that need to be done. when mine calls, I do not discuss anything...when i have, there is a lot of lying that the doctor did not give them facts, the nurse must have forgotten, etc etc. that is really them putting themselves in fantasyland. The time mine was in the hoslital, had lunch with me, and a week later claimed the hospital staff failed to bring the lunch and altered the paperwork to cover showed me just what the con game was. They have to make their own decision and live with it. I have stock phrases now 'how did that work outfor you', ' I am sure if you want to get off that med, you will follow the instructions' , 'what did your medical team suggest' etc etc. I can't spend an hour daily on fantasyland construction as they avoid the consequences of their actions. I know how the story will play ot, but its a train wreck I don't need to be involved in. You have no need to give up your parenting and spousal job to be in the drama...the way I figure it, I will join when they are declared incompetent or are unconscious. Anything else is useless, doesn't help their situation.