Extended family member and funeral ?

[Jennifer132]

My grandparents on my dad's side are pretty ill at the moment. I don't know the extent of their illness, but they are elderly, and a some point they will pass away. We live quite far, and would have to fly in for a funeral. We are not close, though as a child we spent every Christmas and Thanksgiving at their house. The rest of my family lives near them and would go to the funeral. My question is, should I feel obligated to go? Just myself or bring my whole family? If I go alone, my husband would still have to take off work to watch the kids. We were planning a trip out there to see my parents in the fall. That wouldn't happen if we had to spend the funds on flying out for a funeral sooner. I feel bad asking, but I just want to know what the right thing to do here is. Thanks for any input.

[Lanny]

Hopefully you can visit with them in the Fall, when you are there. Better to visit someone when they are alive and (hopefully) know that you are visiting them, than to go to their funeral.  Worst case is I think if they pass away before your Fall vacation, you should plan to go there alone, because finding low cost air fares at the last minute is difficult or impossible. 

[J-rap]

It sounds like you have a special relationship with them.  I would probably just fly out there alone though, when the time comes.  Find the cheapest flight you can, and stay for just a day or two.  Hopefully your dh can take one day off of work, or maybe it will overlap with a weekend, or friends can take your children for one day.

 

[happi duck]

To me, the question isn't if you're close to your grandparents but are you close to your dad.

 

If your presence will help your dad then you should really consider going.

 

Ime, funerals are about being there for the living.

[Carol in Cal.]

I'd go to the funeral.

Weddings and funerals are command performance events.  People need each other there.

I don't know whether I would bring the kids or not, but chances are that this is their opportunity to see the most of the extended family that they ever will, so I'd definitely consider it.  I think I would try to turn this into the family vacation planned for the fall if possible.  One of the great things about homeschooling is to be able to be flexible and responsive in times like this.

Edited April 6, 2017 by Carol in Cal.

[Jennifer132]

To me, the question isn't if you're close to your grandparents but are you close to your dad.

 

If your presence will help your dad then you should really consider going.

 

Ime, funerals are about being there for the living.

That is a good point. I'm not close with my dad either, although there is no rift or anything, he has always prioritzed his work, and so we don't communicate much. He visits here with my mom for a few days each Christmas and that's it. We never call or text or anything. He has four siblings that are local and would be there for the funeral, as well as my brother who is local to them and loads of my cousins.

[marbel]

To me, the question isn't if you're close to your grandparents but are you close to your dad.

 

If your presence will help your dad then you should really consider going.

 

Ime, funerals are about being there for the living.

 

This is what I was thinking.   It's really about your dad.

 

But you are also likely looking at flying out for two funerals, so to me the cost of flying the entire family twice would be a factor in who would be going. 

 

I disagree that funerals are command performances in all cases.  It really depends on the family.  The person being honored at the funeral is not going to care.  

 

ETA:  My husband's grandmother died a few weeks after we visited her with our new (first) baby.  We lived 3000 miles away and went to see her as soon as the doc said our kid could fly (she seemed to have willed herself to stay alive in order to meet the great-grandchild).  There was no talk of going to the funeral. So if you can see them this fall - maybe you can move it up? - I wouldn't feel obligated to go to the funeral. 

 

 

Edited April 6, 2017 by marbel

[katilac]

 So if you can see them this fall - maybe you can move it up? - I wouldn't feel obligated to go to the funeral. 

 

Yes, can you just plan the trip a bit sooner?  

 

 If I did that and they died shortly after, I would probably skip the funeral.

 

If I couldn't do that, I would do my best to get myself to the funeral, but likely not the rest of the family. It sounds like the kids are fairly young, if your dh would have to take off work to watch them.

 

Funerals are for the living, and I was surprised at just how much it meant to me for people to show up at my sister's. However, even having that personal experience, I missed my cousin's funeral because we were on a college road trip with my daughter when she died. She had specific visits with professors and honors departments arranged, and the timing meant it could not be delayed before her final decision. 

 

So, I consider funerals important (in order to support loved ones), but not more important than anything.

[katilac]

I also wanted to add that I would simply ask my parents, particularly if one of them dies before your planned trip. "Dad, I want to be there for you, but it might mean we can't come in the fall. What do you prefer?"

[GoVanGogh]

I was very close to my grandparents. I lived across the country when they passed away. Both times I opted to fly home alone as they started to go downhill and see them when they were living. Both times, they passed away within a week of me being there. I then did not fly back for the funeral. To me, it was about seeing them living and telling them how much they meant to me. There was enough other family at the funeral to offer comfort to my father.

When the aunt and uncle I was very close to passed away and were fairly young, I went home to see them one more time before they passed away and then returned the next week or so for their funerals. I wanted to be there to support my cousins.

[G5052]

We all went when DH's father died, but he went alone when his Mom died because we had just been there a few weeks before. We couldn't afford to all fly there, and he literally flew down for the services, stayed overnight, and came home.

 

When my dad and then mom died, I went alone. My husband and kids weren't at all close to them, and we frankly couldn't afford to bring everyone at that time.

 

My bachelor uncle had a military funeral with full honors at a VA cemetery three hours from where he lived. None of our relatives and none of his elderly friends could come on the day the VA set. If I had gone, I would have been the only one there, and I probably would have flown coast-to-coast to arrive first thing in the morning, and flown home again that day, leaving in the evening. In the end I decided that was too much strain on our family in many ways, so to my knowledge, no one but the military personnel and volunteers were there. I felt bad about that, but certainly he was buried properly and honored. A volunteer sent me pictures. The teens and I later planned a vacation in the area and drove out to the cemetery with flowers. 

 

Bottom line is that you have to work through the big picture. Sometimes you need to be there for the living, and sometimes you really don't need to be there.

[Reefgazer]

I think it would be nice to have some representative of your family at the funeral, even if it was just you and not the hubby and kids.

[Tess in the Burbs]

Totally get you on this.  We live 3k+ miles from any family.  There is an elderly grandma hitting 90 this year.  If she were to pass DH would want to go.  And while we would like to have me/kids go as well financially it wouldn't happen.  As our parents age we know we will be making some hard choices on this stuff.  

 

If it eases your mind any, when we went back east last year to visit everyone another grandmother died.  We flew into one state and then drove between 2 states to visit 4 households.  Over 1200 miles of driving. Each household got about 3 days time with us.  This grandmother died while we were at my dad's house.  MIL/FIL wanted us to come to the funeral.  We had planned to drive at dinner time to visit the in-laws and be in a hotel for 3 days there.  So asking us to go to a funeral in a third state over 6 hours from where we were at the moment was a hard decision.  Ultimately we chose not to attend.  It was not an easy decision.  My dad deserved the time we planned with him.  We obviously couldn't have known this would happen, and had no appropriate funeral clothes anyway.  Adding in another 12 hour drive in a day was just idiotic.  My in-laws did not agree with our decision, but it was the best one for our family.  Dh has no regrets as he had spent time with her multiple visits before she declined to not knowing him.  

As my own parents get older what would we do?  For Dh's parents, he would attend a funeral, most likely me/kids would not.  We are not close and we agree not to spend the money on all of us going.  My dad...maybe just me/kids.  My mom...maybe all of us.  We are much closer to her though.  All of us.  

You don't know when this will happen, but be at peace if only 1 of you can go.  I did not go to my grandmother's funeral...it was just a month after my great grandma's funeral.  I just didn't want to do another funeral.  Others criticized me but I am ok with what I did even now.  Do what is best for you. 

Edited April 6, 2017 by tess in the burbs

[JFSinIL]

I'd see about just yourself going sooner. 

[Ellie]

My grandparents on my dad's side are pretty ill at the moment. I don't know the extent of their illness, but they are elderly, and a some point they will pass away. We live quite far, and would have to fly in for a funeral. We are not close, though as a child we spent every Christmas and Thanksgiving at their house. The rest of my family lives near them and would go to the funeral. My question is, should I feel obligated to go? Just myself or bring my whole family? If I go alone, my husband would still have to take off work to watch the kids. We were planning a trip out there to see my parents in the fall. That wouldn't happen if we had to spend the funds on flying out for a funeral sooner. I feel bad asking, but I just want to know what the right thing to do here is. Thanks for any input.

 

No, dear, you don't need to feel obligated to go.  When it happens, call your father and tell him how sorry you are, and send flowers.

 

The last time my mother, who lived near Seattle, visited her mother, who lived near the Outer Banks of North Carolina, they had that discussion. My grandmother made it a point to tell all the friends and cousins who dropped by to visit my mother while she was there that my mother would not be flying out for my grandmother's funeral, and that my grandmother was fine with it, so no one would get his or her panties in a bunch. Grandmother wanted people to visit her while she was alive, not when she was gone. Possibly your grandparents feel the same way.