Gift basket to send after horrific tragedy

[bettyandbob]

Dh office is putting together a basket for an administrative assistant. Last weekend her DS died of an overdose ( he was mid thirties and has struggled with addiction for a few years since he had surgery) . Five years ago her DD died of ovarian cancer in her early thirties. She was divorced when her children were small. She has no other family and no other social supports.

 

The office will do other stuff as they figure out what they can do. She's worked there over 20 years and it is a small business, do being flexible and letting her have extended time off is easy to accommodate.

 

What should go in the basket? To me a basket seems so meaningless in this situation.

 

Bigger question, what would be good to do, not do, say or not say. I'm pretty horrified that anyone would have to see both of their adult children die in the ways they did.

[scrapbookbuzz]

The basket isn't meaningless as long as there is thought put into it's contents.

It shows you're thinking about her. I'm thinking a decent bottle of wine (if she enjoys wine),

a blank book (to journal as needed), some chocolate, a rolled up small-medium light fleece 

throw, etc. 

 

Just tell her, "I know this must be a really difficult time for you. May I give you a hug?"

That's about the best thing right now. Then, if you are able to, maybe in a two to three weeks,

you can say, "I know you still must be struggling. Can we bring you a meal or do any errands for you?

With you?" Sometimes, there's so much buzz and activity around the first week or so of something like this,

then there's virtually none when all the buzz has died away but the person may still need some assistance.

[Beaniemom]

Perhaps gift cards for food delivery would be welcome.

[happypamama]

I am so sorry. That poor woman.

 

Healthy snacks and foods so she doesn't have to think about cooking.

 

A journal or possibly a book about grief or from the perspective of someone who has lost an adult child.

 

Perhaps info about support groups.

 

Soothing/calming tea.

 

Handkerchief or soft tissues.

 

Is there anyone who could just sit with her? And/or be with her as she makes funeral and other arrangements? Even with a ton of family support around me, making burial arrangements and then tying up loose ends has been really hard, and adult deaths mean more paperwork than infant deaths. I can't imagine doing that on my own.

[lanalouwho]

That's hard. "I'm sorry you lost your son, but here's a basket of mini-muffins" doesn't really fit the bill, kwim? I'm not saying not to do a gift basket, but nothing you can send is enough.

I agree with pp that the best thing you can do is just offer support. Make her a casserole, run some errands, hugs and ice cream.

 

Sent from my HTCD160LVW using Tapatalk

[happypamama]

A meal train might be nice too. We very much appreciated when people brought dinner so we didn't have to do more than heat things up.

[Peaceseeker]

My mom just lost her husband, my step dad, this year. She really hated it when people told her they knew how she felt or that they were sorry (wasn't their fault!) She appreciated something like, we are here for you when you need us. She has had some men from her church help with yard work and home maintenance so that was really helpful since she has a lot of land and is all alone. She didn't really want or need any food. She was alone and not hungry from grief.

 

If she has a yard a gift card (or even homemade coupon) offering help with grass or other work might be a thought. I agree with the poster who mentioned everyone wants to help the week of and then there is nothing. She will likely feel quite lonely in the weeks to come, so maybe taking her out for lunch as a group here and there at work or something like that.

 

I don't try to find the words. I just called my mom for Valentine's day and left a message that I knew that day probably really sucked but that I loved her and I was thinking about her.

[TechWife]

Is there any way the company can pay a portion of the funeral expenses? What about legal fees as she untangles the estate? I know at the outset it sounds kind of cold, but these are expenses she didn't expect and it can drain someone not only financially, but emotionally. How is the bereavement leave policy at the company? Can employees donate their time off to her so that she doesn't loose money for the days that she has to take off, not  just now, but in future weeks as she works on the practical matters of death? 

 

I think the best thing you can do, though, is to be with her. 

[unsinkable]

No offense to those who suggest it, but I'd avoid giving alcohol or wine in this situation.

 

I would call a grocery and ask for a basket of cheeses, sausages, crackers, fruit, snacky stuff. Something that is filled with small stuff that can be thrown in the frig and eaten if needed or wanted.

[happypamama]

And as for what to say or not say: Don't be afraid to say her son's name. You aren't going to remind her of her loss; it's likely the only thing she can think of right now, 24/7.

 

Don't say the trite stuff like "he's in a better place/not suffering/etc.". Even if she believes that wholeheartedly, it's more long term comfort than short term and won't really ease her pain right now. (I KNOW my son got the best end of the deal and am glad he did, and that still doesn't stop my tears. And it must be even harder with an adult child who had struggled so much.)

 

Just stick with things like, "This is hard. I'm so sorry. We love you." Offer specific help -- not "let me know if I can help," but "can I do X for you?" In a few weeks and a couple of months (and things like their birthdays and Mother's Day), check in with her just to let her know she and her children aren't forgotten. If you're friendly enough to take her out to dinner, offer to do so in a few weeks. I haven't been ready to do any socializing, but it's meant the world to me that close friends have checked in with me and have issued standing invitations for play dates and dinner out whenever I'm ready.

 

If you go visit, take cues from her. If she's upbeat, don't bring a funeral, but if she's down, don't try to cheer her up. If she wants to talk, just listen, hold her hand, and cry with her.

[KrissiK]

Maybe you shouldn't consider it a gift basket, but think of it more along the lines of a care package. I'm not sure what you would put in it, but definitely a nice card expressing sympathy. Some chocolates.... Honestly, that's a tough one. I also agree that perhaps alcohol might not be the best thing at this time.

[gardenmom5]

oh my goodness - what a tragic situation.

the biggest thing - people frequently do things right after a death, but sometimes the pain doesn't really hit until later.  and even with the pain hitting hard in the beginning - the grieving continues.

 

do be mindful and reaching out in future as well. invite her to things - dinner, park, activities, etc.

 

I have no idea what to put in a gift basket.  perhaps coupons for prepared meals?  takeout?  do you have a prepared meal service that delivers?

it can be hard to even think about cooking. my mother totally shut down after my father's death.  she hardly cooked after that.  (despite having kids at home.)  I would imagine your coworker could shut down and not even realize she's not eating.

[marbel]

To know what to put in a gift basket, you'd have to know the person pretty well.  Just some ideas; some are duplicates of what others have said.

 

Coffee or tea, easy food suited to the person's likes.  I agree that alcohol wouldn't be quite right.  I could see myself having the desire to drink myself into oblivion if such a thing happened to me.  But also there's the link to her son's overdose.

 

A living plant to take care of.

 

A book on grief suited to the person's religious beliefs.  When my mom died, a friend who knew I was a Christian gave me a book she'd found comforting in the past.  It was from a perspective that was not helpful to me at all at, which she surely would have known.  A book of prayers, if appropriate

 

A journal and pen.

 

Notes from coworkers; remembrances of the son if people knew him. 

 

A calendar with dates filled in that people will bring her dinner - which she is welcome to refuse if she likes.  

 

Not part of a care package but - calls every couple of days to see what she needs.   Visits if she likes that.  Yes, if she has a yard, be prepared to send people to mow, etc. 

 

 

 

 

[Dmmetler]

No offense to those who suggest it, but I'd avoid giving alcohol or wine in this situation.

 

I would call a grocery and ask for a basket of cheeses, sausages, crackers, fruit, snacky stuff. Something that is filled with small stuff that can be thrown in the frig and eaten if needed or wanted.

The single best gift we got after my son died and when I was still in the hospital was this sort of thing. DH's software engineering company put it together. There were times when no one even had enough energy to defrost a casserole and open a bag of salad. Having that grab and go food was very helpful.

 

Plus chocolate. Lots and lots of chocolate.

[G5052]

We have a meal service in our town that will make frozen meals in serving sizes of 2-3 or 4-6. 

 

With a gift certificate, the person can pick out exactly what they want and have it delivered to a local bakery or their home or business. They also handle ingredient preferences.

 

I've done that multiple times when we were amid a crisis, and I really didn't want to think about cooking. You just take it out of the freezer the night before or in the morning and put it into the 'fridge to defrost. 

 

To me that's even better than having meals brought in because I get exactly what we like to eat. Even when I've specified certain preferences, sometimes we've gotten too much food or things that we never eat.

[Jaz]

How about a care package of paper goods - toilet paper, paper plates, paper towels, napkins, etc? 

[happypamama]

How about a care package of paper goods - toilet paper, paper plates, paper towels, napkins, etc?

Excellent idea!! When I ended up in the hospital with a preemie a few days before Christmas, a friend of my husband's boss showed up with a carload of food staples like meat, pasta, etc. That was useful to my parents, who were feeding and caring for my other five kids, but she also showed up with toilet paper, paper towels, shampoo, hand soap, even laundry detergent. Nobody had to think about those necessities for weeks!