AnnE-girl Posted November 19, 2016 Share Posted November 19, 2016 What I really want to say to my MIL, but can't. So I'll vent here. In-laws are visiting for the weekend and we had Baby Boy's first birthday dinner with some of my family tonight too, and she keeps doing things to help without asking. Like clearing everyone's coffee cups and wine glasses without checking to see if they are finished, or dumping the rest of the cream in the creamer down the drain instead of putting it in the fridge. I buy the expensive organic stuff, I don't want to waste it! And I have a clingy baby, so I can't clean up my way immediately to stop her from doing it. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Um_2_4 Posted November 19, 2016 Share Posted November 19, 2016 I'll agree with you. I <3 my MIL but when she stayed for 3 months while I was on bedrest and then post C/S with the twins I about lost it. :laugh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jyhwkmama Posted November 19, 2016 Share Posted November 19, 2016 (edited) Sorry. Missed the JAWM. Edited November 19, 2016 by Jyhwkmama Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeWillSoar Posted November 19, 2016 Share Posted November 19, 2016 Ha! When I read your title I immediately thought MIL. Mine drives me batty too! At least it's only a weekend. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
displace Posted November 19, 2016 Share Posted November 19, 2016 I dislike "quick helpers". They make me feel lazy. 🙃 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted November 19, 2016 Share Posted November 19, 2016 (edited) Oh, I am so with you. My MIL doesn't visit us (we have to go to them) but in general I hate it when anyone decides to help me without trying to find out what's helpful. Just ask me first, please. Can your husband say something to his mom? Just something kind of lighthearted, like the next time she starts grabbing wine glasses, say "whoa Mom, hold up. Anyone want some more wine?" Or, "Mom, sit down and relax. AnnE-girl and I've got the cleanup covered. Now, who wants more coffee?" I like to be leisurely at the table when possible. Jumping up to do dishes drives me crazy. Edited November 19, 2016 by marbel 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted November 19, 2016 Share Posted November 19, 2016 Oh, I am so with you. My MIL doesn't visit us (we have to go to them) but in general I hate it when anyone decides to help me without trying to find out what's helpful. Just ask me first, please. Can your husband say something to his mom? Just something kind of lighthearted, like the next time she starts grabbing wine glasses, say "whoa Mom, hold up. Anyone want some more wine?" Or, "Mom, sit down and relax. AnnE-girl and I've got the cleanup covered. Now, who wants more coffee?" I like to be leisurely at the table when possible. Jumping up to do dishes drives me crazy. This is truly crazy-making. What's worse is that if I do say something to the eager beaver helper, I look like the bad guy. But this year I am going to do it anyway (as I have done in the past and attempted not to last year in the effort to keep peace), because I am not going to once again end up in the kitchen washing glassware because my "helper" pulls everything too quickly and then everyone needs a new drink. When someone tries to help too busily, it forces me to also jump up. But I've already been in the kitchen for hours doing prep - I want to sit down and visit with my guests! Leave the dishes! Then there's the one who tries every year to coerce me into using paper plates and plastic utensils. Now I'm not criticizing anyone who does it that way, but that's not my way. Once or twice a year it gives me great joy to break out the good dishes and flatwear, darn it, just let me do that without feeling like I'm causing trouble for anyone else (busy beavers who clear without bein asked to help, I'm lookin at you). 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bambam Posted November 19, 2016 Share Posted November 19, 2016 I'm sorry. I'm one of the busy beavers who thought they were helping. Please, just say something to us, and we'll sit down again and chill. OP, that sounds like it must be super stressful. I'm sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted November 19, 2016 Share Posted November 19, 2016 I bet it's anxiety on her part. My dad does the same thing but will pull out a book or now his phone and chill if we tell him to please wait to help do XYZ. Will she hold the baby instead? I always want to yell IT IS NOT HELPING ME IF YOU MAKE MY LIFE MORE DIFFICULT!!! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Calm37 Posted November 19, 2016 Share Posted November 19, 2016 Oh, no! I am that MIL that clears dishes too quickly! :( Will reform. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
meena Posted November 19, 2016 Share Posted November 19, 2016 Totally agree. Many years ago, we tried to solve this by having DH talk to his mom. He did but she just ignored him and basically told him she "needed" to do it and since she was the mom her way of doing things was the right way, even in his house. So then I said something the next time, and she added that to the ever-growing reasons to hate me list. Le sigh... 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
meena Posted November 19, 2016 Share Posted November 19, 2016 Oh, no! I am that MIL that clears dishes too quickly! :( Will reform. I would love if my MIL would ask me or DH, "Can I help clear anything?" or say "Let me know when you're ready to clear so I can give a hand," and then actually listen to our answer. It's not that I don't appreciate the help, but the taking charge in our house is what's uncomfortable. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
barnwife Posted November 19, 2016 Share Posted November 19, 2016 Please, just say something to us, and we'll sit down again and chill. Well, I can say from personal experience that the "helpful" person in my life does not do so, despite repeated requests. Will she hold the baby instead? I always want to yell IT IS NOT HELPING ME IF YOU MAKE MY LIFE MORE DIFFICULT!!! I have said/yelled various versions of the above multiple times at the "helpful" person in my life. (It's not my MIL.) It has never once made a difference. As for holding the baby, sometimes I want to/need to. Can you tell this is the most stressful aspect of LO#4 being born next month? I am so not looking forward to the "help" that only makes more work for me. Sorry, OP, for venting in your thread. I totally get where you are coming from! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellesmere Posted November 19, 2016 Share Posted November 19, 2016 I can agree! I couldn't deal with that. I finally found a way to communicate with my own mother how much it means to me to have people stay out of my kitchen. She and I get along very well and it took years for me to find a way to tell her without offending her. She finally understands. I imagine it is even harder to try and convince an in-law. Too bad I'm not your MIL. I also dislike being in anyone else's kitchen during holidays. I do not want to wash anyone else's dishes. I do not want to put their stuff away. I don't want to clear your table and make a mistake along the way. I am totally lost and awkward and hate being crowded with other people jockeying for position to wash and dry. No, thanks. (Our kids do offer to help and are polite about being guests :) Obviously it is different if helping someone who needs it. I was happy to clean my parents' kitchen when there was illness and they needed help. But it was just me, alone in their kitchen, and I had a relatively good idea of where stuff went and could bring my own towels and supplies. I can't just break out my own stuff at a holiday gathering at someone else's place. Well, I could, but that would be weird. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Calm37 Posted November 19, 2016 Share Posted November 19, 2016 I would love if my MIL would ask me or DH, "Can I help clear anything?" or say "Let me know when you're ready to clear so I can give a hand," and then actually listen to our answer. It's not that I don't appreciate the help, but the taking charge in our house is what's uncomfortable. Thanks! I will remember this. I have not been to a meal at my newlyweds home, but my kids have been bugging me about clearing the dishes at the last few meals we've had here at my house. They don't want me to help at all! More like, "You just sit, Mom, and let us serve you." Where is this suddenly coming from? So I get up to start to clear and there are 3 or 4 startled people who jump up. So that effectively ends the meal instead of me getting a less cluttered table at which to continue our conversations. I did turn 60 recently. Perhaps I am suddenly fragile? lol 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted November 19, 2016 Share Posted November 19, 2016 Totally agree. Many years ago, we tried to solve this by having DH talk to his mom. He did but she just ignored him and basically told him she "needed" to do it and since she was the mom her way of doing things was the right way, even in his house. So then I said something the next time, and she added that to the ever-growing reasons to hate me list. Le sigh... I wonder if that's the reason my in-laws rarely came to visit us. I've always figured my MIL was more comfortable in her own house, but now I'm thinking that maybe it made her twitchy to be in my house and has to endure seeing things done the wrong way. But it's funny. My husband hated the way his mom rushed through meals. He still hates it that she starts the after-dinner coffee before we even sit down to dinner and there is not a minute's break between dinner and dessert. I know she doesn't like to cook or eat, so I guess her thought is "let's just get this meal over with." At her house, we just do it her way, of course, without complaint. But when my husband moved away from home, he was eager to do things differently, and he and I meshed well in that way. Who knows, maybe that was one of the things that made my husband figure he could stand to live with me forever. I will even get clean plates out for dessert - not a given with his family. Prefer my chocolate cake without the pickle juice, thanks. Re: clearing up a little to have an uncluttered table for dessert/coffee/socializing. That's easy. "Hey, Adult Sons and Daughters, let's just get the dinner plates off the table so it's not so cluttered. We can wash up later, but let's just stack them on the counter for now. You do that while I get dessert/coffee/port/cigars." :-) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
displace Posted November 19, 2016 Share Posted November 19, 2016 I have to say it's very affirming to see others feel this way. I used to feel guilty for not wanting to do dishes immediately, but it seems not so obscure of a desire :). In-laws hovering around while I'm prepping, constantly harassing to have a chore assigned to them, are not helpful either. If I say I don't want your help, or I only want DH to help, that's what I want. I appreciate the offer but I truly mean I don't want help. It's not you, it's me. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted November 19, 2016 Share Posted November 19, 2016 (edited) Thanks! I will remember this. I have not been to a meal at my newlyweds home, but my kids have been bugging me about clearing the dishes at the last few meals we've had here at my house. They don't want me to help at all! More like, "You just sit, Mom, and let us serve you." Where is this suddenly coming from? So I get up to start to clear and there are 3 or 4 startled people who jump up. So that effectively ends the meal instead of me getting a less cluttered table at which to continue our conversations. I did turn 60 recently. Perhaps I am suddenly fragile? lol gently....this may be their organized rebellion because when you start busily clearing the table, they think you're trying to rush them along. They don't have the same need for a "clear" table as you. Maybe it seems a sudden change because they finally put their heads together and decided how to deflect you. Edited November 19, 2016 by Seasider 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted November 19, 2016 Share Posted November 19, 2016 gently....this may be their organized rebellion because when you start busily clearing the table, they think you're trying to rush them along. They don't have the same need for a "clear" table as you. Maybe it seems a sudden change because they finally put their heads together and decided how to deflect you. This is a good point and a real possibility! I do like sitting around the table after dinner. My mom used to bring out the nut bowl and we'd sit around cracking nuts and nibbling. Good times. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Calm37 Posted November 19, 2016 Share Posted November 19, 2016 gently....this may be their organized rebellion because when you start busily clearing the table, they think you're trying to rush them along. They don't have the same need for a "clear" table as you. Maybe it seems a sudden change because they finally put their heads together and decided how to deflect you. Laughing...well, we'll see. I will try to behave. I'm thinking it is more likely that it is the change of throwing in a new family member and all the dynamics of that. It all seemed to start with the "married couple" coming for meals. I certainly don't like the sudden fuss and will just sit there until it gets really awkward from now on. :) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heartlikealion Posted November 19, 2016 Share Posted November 19, 2016 I'm sure it's going to vary from household to household. My mom was always asking us to clear plates right away so we could serve my grandma dessert. But when Grandma wasn't there, there was no rush. I imagine this is how it will be at Thanksgiving lol with me or dh trying to determine when to spring up and clear plates and my dad thinking, "what's the rush?" but Mom egging us on to just go ahead ha. When ds had his first birthday we did it at my parents' home. MIL and SIL were trying to be helpful but it stressed me out. It never occurred to me that anyone would want to take chips that had been in a community bowl and pour them back into the original bag at the end of the event. All I could think was, "eww" but this is what MIL and SIL did. I never touched those chips again. It's good that some MILs (as seen here) say, "just let us know so I can do whatever you find most helpful." But in reality I know this is not always going to work. People want to help and do what they find helpful without necessarily asking if that is something the host finds helpful. Like when MIL and FIL thought they were being helpful by balling up their sheets and putting them on the floor of my kitchen in front of my washing machine. I didn't have the heart to tell MIL, "yeah, I'd rather you not have done that." Luckily my washer was empty so I was able to toss them in the washer immediately. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted November 19, 2016 Share Posted November 19, 2016 gently....this may be their organized rebellion because when you start busily clearing the table, they think you're trying to rush them along. They don't have the same need for a "clear" table as you. Maybe it seems a sudden change because they finally put their heads together and decided how to deflect you. Maybe. But it also could be that they've become adult enough to have realized that she does too much of the work and to feel guilty about it. I remember when I, probably in college, suddenly realized that my grandmother barely sat down at meals and was a little appalled at how nonchalantly we kept taking advantage of her. Of course, the behavior was too ingrained. I had to get another decade on me to understand that it was better to just let her be herself and do stealth helping instead of urging her to chill. ;) 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theelfqueen Posted November 19, 2016 Share Posted November 19, 2016 People in my kitchen makes my skin crawl... somehow I've become the host of an annual baking day (biggest house, no pets and a doubleoven) ... I can only cope by staying away from the kitchen. Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sassenach Posted November 19, 2016 Share Posted November 19, 2016 What I really want to say to my MIL, but can't. So I'll vent here. In-laws are visiting for the weekend and we had Baby Boy's first birthday dinner with some of my family tonight too, and she keeps doing things to help without asking. Like clearing everyone's coffee cups and wine glasses without checking to see if they are finished, or dumping the rest of the cream in the creamer down the drain instead of putting it in the fridge. I buy the expensive organic stuff, I don't want to waste it! And I have a clingy baby, so I can't clean up my way immediately to stop her from doing it. I feel your pain! My MIL rearranged my drawers (because the way I had them was wrong) and, you can't make this stuff up, actually switched my salt and pepper shakers because I had had them in the wrong ones. I am not a nice, passive DIL, so I actually tell her to stop and then put things back the way I want them. With her b*tching in the same room. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lanalouwho Posted November 19, 2016 Share Posted November 19, 2016 This thread just made me realize how much I love my MIL. She never makes me feel bad about the way I run my house. At parties or gatherings, she always asks how she can help or busies herself with the kids so I can get things done. I never realized how much I appreciate that.. My mom might randomly decide to sweep y floor or wash my dishes. I don't love it, but I know her heart is in the right place. Sent from my HTCD160LVW using Tapatalk 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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