X-post Home for the holidays...bringing boyfriends/girlfriends

[Familia]

I'd love to hear your experiences regarding college students bringing boyfriends/girlfriends home for visits over the holidays -- both your experiences as a parent and, in the past, as the adult child.

I'm interested in everything from house rules to great memories that were made.  

I remember reading Nan in Mass describe a camping trip with her dad, sister, and their boyfriends where he read aloud to them...was it LOTR?  Not holidays, but a special time with family...I appreciate those stories.

Thank you!

 

Nan in Mass, on 14 Nov 2016 - 5:55 PM, said:

It was Hitchhiker,s Guide to the Galaxy that my father read out loud to us all that long weekend. 

That was the title...now I remember!  Thanks for the reply, Years ago, when I read that post, it really gave me an example of family togetherness to shoot for since my family did not welcome others in until marriage, if then.  Just very private.  I'm not like that at all!

[Code Lyoko]

Over Christmas break while I was in college my boyfriend's family were overseas so my family invited my boyfriend to stay with us.  We were planning on traveling to see extended family so he went, too.  He was a city boy so it was quite an experience being on farms and ranches.  Some things worked really well, like seeing tons and tons and tons of stars while we toasted marshmallows over an open fire and visited.  He had never seen so many.  And we had some family Christmas traditions he had not experienced so we made certain he was included and felt welcome.  He did have to adjust to everyone being up before the sun rose, and after a few days of that he was a bit tired and cranky.  He was a good sport, though, and started taking naps to compensate.  :)

 

As for rules, we slept in separate rooms but no one discussed it with me.  We just all kind of understood that would be the case.  I don't remember ever thinking it should be otherwise, especially since we were frequently staying with my extended relatives, not in my parents' home.  

 

In today's day and age, and with specific family dynamics/children, it might help to talk about this sort of thing well ahead of time, along with expectations for commitment to family events vs. going off on their own to do things, etc.  Seems to me that open communication before issues arise would work better.

[RegGuheert]

MomsintheGarden was extremely nervous the first time she came home to meet my parents.  My father was a real cut-up, but liked to come across as quite mean.  Since she is left-handed, she sat on the corner of the table where my older brother had always sat.  During her first meal (dinner) with my family, she managed to spill a bowl of rice, part of which ended on the floor.   :laugh:   On top of that, she spilled her drink on my Dad! :lol:  :lol: He was quick to point out that he was used to it since my brother had performed that task all the years that he had lived there.

 

I joined MomsintheGarden and her mother during our first Thanksgiving together.  I remember it being very nice.  Thanksgiving traditions, for the most part, tend to be fairly uniform across the US, at least in my experience.  I don't recall if it was at Thanksgiving or not, but we did get in trouble for a rule violation at her mom's house.  MomsintheGarden had sneaked down during the night to join me in the basement.  When her mom awoke the next morning, she came down to inform us THAT was not allowed in her house. :o NO WAY would we allow our kids to do that, either!

 

I must say that I remember missing MomsintheGarden during our first Christmas together.  We each celebrated with our respective families.  But I was the youngest in my family, so I didn't really have anyone at home other than my parents.  She was the older of two children, but their parents were divorced, so this was an opportunity for her to spend time with her brother and father.  Looking back, I'm not sure whether it would have worked for me to spend that first Christmas together with her and her family.  It would have probably been a bit awkward.

 

IIRC DS26 brought his girlfriend for Thanksgiving dinner at least one year.  You'd have to ask her about it, but I suspect having dinner with 30 people may have been a bit overwhelming.

Edited November 15, 2016 by RegGuheert

[Bambam]

I'm interested too. We've invited our oldest's boyfriend here for Thanksgiving. He'll be here for several days (Monday through Thursday evening). Monday they have activities planned, Tuesday afternoon has an activity, but Wednesday is just open. Thursday, of course, is filled with cooking and food.

Boy will sleep upstairs (large gameroom), and dd will sleep in her downstairs bedroom. And they'd better stay there. 

I'm assuming they will find something to do during the non-activity planned times. We have plenty of local parks, lots of games, and plenty of weeding if they want to help out. 

 

[RegGuheert]

Boy will sleep upstairs (large gameroom), and dd will sleep in her downstairs bedroom. And they'd better stay there. 

 

I think the best way to ensure they stay put is to give them each a roommate.  :001_smile:  We have plenty of roommates around here!  When DS26 would come home with his girlfriend, she stayed with his sisters and he shared a room with his brother.

 

Do you have any appropriate roommates that you can assign to the task?

[Farrar]

My kids aren't old enough for this yet, but I'll tell you... if they announce their engagement, don't stop talking and refuse to say anything or meet anyone's eyes for several minutes. OMG, my in-laws used to be so nuts. At least dh's grandmother was like, "Why isn't everyone congratulating you? It's wonderful!"

 

I always brought college boyfriends home for holidays. My mom was always welcoming. No rules, but boyfriends got pulled into house traditions like stocking exchanges and Christmas Eve performances and Thanksgiving games.

[RegGuheert]

My kids aren't old enough for this yet, but I'll tell you... if they announce their engagement, don't stop talking and refuse to say anything or meet anyone's eyes for several minutes.

 

Minutes?  My FIL could not say a word for HOURS after I asked him if I could marry his daughter!

 

To this day I don't think he has fully recovered... :P

 

[Nan in Mass]

Reg, I think our giant Thanksgiving was pretty intimidating to some of our guests. We do namecards at the table and put considerable thought into giving guests comfortable neighbors. We make sure they don,t have to walk in without escort, too.

 

I always appreciated it when my husband,s parents seconded invitations. This was usually done through my husband, but even so, having him say, "My mother invites you" made me much more comfortable. I do this with our guests and judging by the way my children ask if I will send word or issue invitations in person, I think this does make a difference.

 

From our experience with our own children, I second talking about which events are mandatory and which optional beforehand, and specifically telling children to discuss this with their friends. Saves embarrassment and disappointment for all people. This is really important.

 

Nan

[marbel]

I'm interested too. We've invited our oldest's boyfriend here for Thanksgiving. He'll be here for several days (Monday through Thursday evening). Monday they have activities planned, Tuesday afternoon has an activity, but Wednesday is just open. Thursday, of course, is filled with cooking and food.

Boy will sleep upstairs (large gameroom), and dd will sleep in her downstairs bedroom. And they'd better stay there. 

I'm assuming they will find something to do during the non-activity planned times. We have plenty of local parks, lots of games, and plenty of weeding if they want to help out. 

 

I don't have kids that age yet, but regarding the bolded. 

 

My husband and I were in our 30's and not yet married (though sorta-halfway-living together) when I went home for Christmas with him for the big family meet-n-greet.  We stayed with a few different people.  In every case, I was shown to my room and he was shown to his.  End of story.  We would never have dreamed of sneaking around to other rooms and I would expect the same thing with my own kids.   I hope I am not being naive about that.  :-)

 

Obviously others have different expectations and that's all fine.   

[Crimson Wife]

If you have a family rule of no unmarried couples sharing the same bedroom, do NOT selectively enforce it. I'm still bitter about my parents doing that. :glare:

[MEmama]

I totally do not understand grown kids (aka adults) not being able to share sleeping quarters. DH and I were engaged and had been living together for over a year when we visited his extended family for Thanksgiving. Being ushered to seperate bedrooms was ridiculous at best, but better described as insulting. Equally insulting was not being included in the family photo (hello engagement ring firmly on my finger). I vowed then I would never demean my own kids' partners in such a way.

[heartlikealion]

I would be kinda weirded out if I was assigned a roommate as a guest. Well, not in every single case I guess. But as a general rule, I'd think the guest would get their own room. Sure, assign a roommate for the child that lives there if you want.

 

I brought a bf home before. I don't remember anything special. He got my sister's old room (she was older and had moved out). We don't do anything besides eat for Thanksgiving. No football game or gift exchange or anything like that. One time I brought home two platonic friends (one guy, one girl). I don't even remember sleeping arrangements but I think we stayed over night. Again, it was no biggie.

 

My oldest sister brought home boyfriend(s) a few times when she was the college student. Someone slept on a couch futon bed.

 

My dad couldn't bring himself to use the word boyfriend lol. He'd always call my sister's bfs her friend. He probably did the same with me lol. Pretty conservative family so pretty much everyone avoided PDA probably ha.

[heartlikealion]

I totally do not understand grown kids (aka adults) not being able to share sleeping quarters. DH and I were engaged and had been living together for over a year when we visited his extended family for Thanksgiving. Being ushered to seperate bedrooms was ridiculous at best, but better described as insulting. Equally insulting was not being included in the family photo (hello engagement ring firmly on my finger). I vowed then I would never demean my own kids' partners in such a way.

 

I get it because it was how I was raised. The understanding is, "you're not married, thus you do not share a bed." Ring on finger doesn't = married.

 

I don't know how I would deal with the situation if I was the adult and my child was engaged and had their partner coming over to stay.

 

[Loowit]

It was never an issue for me or my siblings.  We all dated people that lived close enough that holidays we spent the day together and went back to our parents' homes at night.  We have told our children that if they were to want to bring a significant other home from college for a holiday we would be happy to get a hotel room for the significant other for the night(s).  If we had a bigger house we may offer a separate bedroom, but right now we don't have the space for overnight guests.

[RegGuheert]

Equally insulting was not being included in the family photo (hello engagement ring firmly on my finger).

 

I admit that I felt a bit that way about the last one of MomsintheGarden's father's family's family photos while we were dating.  At the same time, I'm glad that I did not enter their home to see her previous boyfriends in their family photos.

 

We once invited DS26's then girlfriend of about 18 months to join us in our family photo, but she absolutely refused.  Looking back, I think that portended her dumping him about six months later just before his college graduation.  It's good that she is not in those photos, since it would be hurtful to our son to see those photos.  We can continue to display them and remember our family at that time.

 

[marbel]

I get it because it was how I was raised. The understanding is, "you're not married, thus you do not share a bed." Ring on finger doesn't = married.

 

I don't know how I would deal with the situation if I was the adult and my child was engaged and had their partner coming over to stay.

 

 

Yeah, same here.

 

I think it's just a matter of respect for the hosts.  If the hosts don't condone unmarried people sharing a bed, the unmarried people shouldn't share a bed.  I'm sure it would seem weird to a couple living together and I don't know how I would handle that with my own kids.   

 

A relative of mine had a strict "no unmarrieds sleeping together" rule.  Then her 3rd (of 4) children, planning to go home for a visit with a boyfriend said "if we can't sleep together, we won't come." So the mom caved in.  It was annoying to the older siblings, and confusing to the youngest.   I thought a little less (just a little, and silently) of both parties after that - the daughter for blackmailing her mother over something so trivial, and the mother for throwing her supposedly firm moral values (about which she had been quite vocal for some time, iykwim) out the window so easily.   

Edited November 15, 2016 by marbel

[MEmama]

Yeah, same here.

 

I think it's just a matter of respect for the hosts. If the hosts don't condone unmarried people sharing a bed, the unmarried people shouldn't share a bed. I'm sure it would seem weird to a couple living together and I don't know how I would handle that with my own kids.

 

A relative of mine had a strict "no unmarrieds sleeping together" rule. Then her 3rd (of 4) children, on coming home for a visit said "if we can't sleep together, we won't come." So the mom caved in. It was annoying to the older siblings, and confusing to the youngest. I thought a little less (just a little, and silently) of both parties after that - the daughter for blackmailing her mother over something so trivial, and the mother for throwing her supposedly firm moral values (about which she had been quite vocal for some time, iykwim) out the window so easily.

Maybe mom realised her arbitrary rule was less important than spending time with her daughter?

 

Just because someone thinks up a rule doesn't mean it should be inflexible under any circumstances.

[marbel]

Maybe mom realised her arbitrary rule was less important than spending time with her daughter?

 

Just because someone thinks up a rule doesn't mean it should be inflexible under any circumstances.

 

Except that previously it had not been considered an arbitrary rule, but rather an Important Rule, enforced for the 2 older children and expected for the youngers.  

 

It was the arbitariness of revoking the rule that was annoying.   There was no thoughtful consideration and then explanation to the siblings.  Just "Oh, OK. then."  

 

But the daughter was equally annoying, in threatening to boycott the family celebration if she couldn't sleep with her boyfriend for a few days.  That just seems childish. What was more important to her?   But, of course, it worked!  

Edited November 15, 2016 by marbel

[G5052]

I once brought home three guys for Thanksgiving, one of which was a boyfriend. I was a junior in college, and two were graduate students. I was at a STEM school with very few women and only four hours from home, so it wasn't a big deal to me to bring friends who couldn't go home. They brought sleeping bags and slept in our den.

 

I think my mother was hopeful I'd marry one of them, but I didn't. They were all nice guys though.

[marbel]

Re: family photos:   We always took some with just the family, and some with boyfriends/girlfriends.  If the relationship lasted, great.  If not, no harm done.  Even now when we get together with my in-laws I stay out of some of the photos on purpose.  Not that I'm planning to bail.  But, I figure his folks might like a few photos with their own kid and his kids.  

[Julie Smith]

For family pictures what I have heard of people doing is taking two family pictures. 

 

The first one is just parents and children. The second one is whomever is considered family, this can include girlfriends/boyfriends, ....

 

My Mom is one of ten kids, with her siblings spread out over 3 countries. When they are all together, or almost all of them are together they take a picture of just the siblings. Then another with spouses. 

[Familia]

...expectations for commitment to family events vs. going off on their own to do things, etc.  Seems to me that open communication before issues arise would work better.

 

Thanks for that tip - so used to just our family doing everything together.  But, I welcome this stage -- I am looking forward to being simply home base some of the time rather than the destination.

Edited November 15, 2016 by secretgarden

[Crimson Wife]

I totally do not understand grown kids (aka adults) not being able to share sleeping quarters. DH and I were engaged and had been living together for over a year when we visited his extended family for Thanksgiving. Being ushered to seperate bedrooms was ridiculous at best, but better described as insulting. 

 

I didn't have a problem with my parents insisting that my fiance sleep on the pull-out sofa. We weren't yet married and just because I'm sure they knew we'd already started enjoying TeA doesn't mean they had to condone us sharing a bed while visiting.

 

What I have a problem with is that they didn't enforce the "unmarried couples need to sleep in separate beds" 100% of the time. Either have the rule or don't. It's been almost 2 decades and I'm still annoyed about the selective enforcement.

[AnnE-girl]

I totally do not understand grown kids (aka adults) not being able to share sleeping quarters. DH and I were engaged and had been living together for over a year when we visited his extended family for Thanksgiving. Being ushered to seperate bedrooms was ridiculous at best, but better described as insulting. Equally insulting was not being included in the family photo (hello engagement ring firmly on my finger). I vowed then I would never demean my own kids' partners in such a way.

A lot of DH's college graduation pictures unfortunately include his ex, engagement ring on her finger. There are no guarantees.

[Familia]

I think it is fun that we may be meeting a new family member!  The mention of photos makes me most interested in this then...did your initial stay set the tone for the long term relationship with your in-laws?

Also, as the current parent/in-law, how do/did you make the significant other welcome in a special way?

[Charlie]

DH and I lived together for a couple years before we got married. We slept in his bedroom at his parents home during those years. Before we lived together, when we were in college together, we slept in different rooms the one time I came home with him. My in-laws were not a fan of cohabitation, but DH is the youngest by many years. They had gone through the mental and practical tug-of-war before I came around. I would not feel uncomfortable if my child came home from college with a partner.

[MEmama]

A lot of DH's college graduation pictures unfortunately include his ex, engagement ring on her finger. There are no guarantees.

Nor in marriage.

[Kassia]

When my oldest son comes home with his gf, they sleep in his room together.  They've been together for over four years and live together.  No engagement yet, but they are very committed to each other.

 

If my other son's gf were to stay with us, I'd have them sleep in separate rooms.  They don't live together, but attend the same college where my son lives off-campus, so I'm sure she spends many nights at his place.  She's young, though - only 19 - and has been dating ds for over three years.  She may join us on vacation next year and I'm assuming they will share a room then.  My biggest issue has always been how to explain it all to my daughter, who is 14 now.  

 

When I would stay at my in-laws', we had separate beds even when we were engaged and living together.  I was fine with it and never expected us to share a bed there until after marriage.

Edited November 15, 2016 by Erica H

[JFSinIL]

So far not been much of an issue here, my youngest is 20 now and has had a steady boyfriend for a couple years.  Past year she has spent one night per weekend at his house (he lives with his mom and older sister).  Told her, though, that since her room is next to where her dad sleeps, and she is the baby of the family, it would traumatize hubby too much for Boyfriend to spend the night here.

 

If our even older son had a girlfriend, she could sleep over.  But he doesn't.  His room is downstairs at the back of the house, no where near ours.

 

 

[heartlikealion]

Nor in marriage.

 

This is true. I'm guessing that the wedding = "officially part of the family" so they figure you gain access to family portrait time. If the couple divorces or someone dies, they were still in the family at the time the photo was taken. I know marriage, rings, and other things don't always = family, but this is likely the way a lot of people make the conclusion about family photos.

 

I don't think I have any photos of dh and I in a posed family photo with my parents and siblings. We took our own family photos and they are up in my parents' home and dh's parents' home, though.

 

The family photo comments made me think of Parenthood. I know a lot of people on this board have seen the series.

[Nan in Mass]

I think it is fun that we may be meeting a new family member! The mention of photos makes me most interested in this then...did your initial stay set the tone for the long term relationship with your in-laws?

Also, as the current parent/in-law, how do/did you make the significant other welcome in a special way?

I visited a lot before I stayed with my in-laws, so probably different, but I can tell you that things didn't change much between the first visit and now. My mil was motherly with me from the beginning and tried (pretty successfully, amazingly enough -I was very shy) to make me comfortable. With my own children, different friends seemed to need different approaches. Some have obviously been extremely uncomfortable when we spoke to them - very reserved . Some have been happy to interact with us. We have tried to be sensitive to this. Interestingly, the shiest of them needed the most interaction and reassurance. I have sort of kept in mind that these are opportunities to show the friend the things we like to do as a family. I wouldn,t force anyone to do anything, but we do sort of try to do typical things so our sons can see whether their friends like to do them, too - picnics and games and getting together with extended family. Things like that.

 

Lol, this thread reminded me of something. When we were engaged, we were sent down to visit my grandmother so she could meet my fiancé. We stayed a few days. It was pretty uncomfortable. She lived far away so I didn,t know her well myself. She asked my fiancé, an engineering student, if he would fix a lamp that wasn,t working. He looked at it for a bit and tried a few things and then apologized and said he was unable to fix it. She said, "I knew you couldn,t. I just wanted to see if you would admit it." She went on to say nice things about being secure enough to admit you can,t do something, etc., but we were not very happy about it. We had trouble imagining minding admitting to something like that. I think she came from a different time and place. As an adult, I can see that she was actually testing something that was part of the reason we had become friends in the first place, the sort of straight forwardness that she knew was going to be important over time. She had about 48 hours to reassure herself that her beloved oldest grandchild was in good hands and we were quite young. It was pretty clever of her, but we at the time, we were not amused. I think the fact that he was happily reading Sherlock Holmes stories aloud to me before bed told her just as much. Her eyes were bad and she had been an English professor who loved to read, so that impressed her favourably. I do NOT recommend tests like that one. : )

 

Nan

Edited November 16, 2016 by Nan in Mass

[Crimson Wife]

When my oldest son comes home with his gf, they sleep in his room together.  They've been together for over four years and live together.  No engagement yet, but they are very committed to each other.

 

If my other son's gf were to stay with us, I'd have them sleep in separate rooms.  They don't live together, but attend the same college where my son lives off-campus, so I'm sure she spends many nights at his place.  She's young, though - only 19 - and has been dating ds for over three years. 

Again, if you allow one child to have unmarried S.O. in the room, you cannot insist on another child sleeping separately from his/her S.O. Age is irrelevant and the selective enforcement of rules WILL likely cause bitterness and feelings of unfair treatment.

 

[Zinnia]

My dh and I always slept separately until we got married.  I would have been very uncomfortable sharing a bed at my inlaws.  I probably would have sent not-yet-dh to the couch. It just wasn't acceptable at all in my family of origin.  I would have questioned a lot about his family if they had allowed it.  

Luckily, my MIL is equally old school, and that wasn't an option.  :)

[AnnE-girl]

Again, if you allow one child to have unmarried S.O. in the room, you cannot insist on another child sleeping separately from his/her S.O. Age is irrelevant and the selective enforcement of rules WILL likely cause bitterness and feelings of unfair treatment.

 

In-laws did this. It was before I even knew DH, but one of his older sisters was allowed to share a room with her fiancé at their parents' house when they visited while other siblings were not. We never shared sleeping quarters until after we were married in my parents' home either, so it wasn't a huge deal, but I know it annoyed DH that his parents changed the rule for one sibling.

[marbel]

Again, if you allow one child to have unmarried S.O. in the room, you cannot insist on another child sleeping separately from his/her S.O. Age is irrelevant and the selective enforcement of rules WILL likely cause bitterness and feelings of unfair treatment.

 

 

I agree with you; just wanted to point out that the girlfriend (referenced in the post you quoted) is 19, legally an adult, which makes it even more inconsistent.  If she was a minor, it would be different (to me). 

 

Parents are supposed to aim for consistency with their children.  It's the inconsistency that caused trouble for my relative when she allowed one (young adult) child to do something the others were not. 

[cave canem]

If parents would like separate quarters for the bf/gf in their house, I don't understand strong emotional objections to that. Isn't this just for a few nights?

 

This situation hasn't arisen yet among my children.

 

When my husband first visited my parents' house, we were engaged. He slept in the living room on a sofa, I slept in my little room at the back of the house. We not only accepted the accommodations as offered, but also were quiet during table grace, removed our shoes upon entering the house, refrained from profanity, and generally followed the rules of the house during the visit.

 

I stayed at my in-laws several times before my husband and I became engaged. My MIL would put us in the same room with cheesy comments about how she understood we were big people now. It was annoying, actually.

 

Also, not all house/family combinations are set up to allow guests to have a single room. Sharing with another family member isn't unheard of. It may be less awkward for visiting bf to share with resident brother than for bf to share room with his sig other and her two sisters.

Edited November 16, 2016 by cave canem

[heartlikealion]

If parents would like separate quarters for the bf/gf in their house, I don't understand strong emotional objections to that. Isn't this just for a few nights?

 

This situation hasn't arisen yet among my children.

 

When my husband first visited my parents' house, we were engaged. He slept in the living room on a sofa, I slept in my little room at the back of the house. We not only accepted the accommodations as offered, but also were quiet during table grace, removed our shoes upon entering the house, refrained from profanity, and generally followed the rules of the house during the visit.

 

I stayed at my in-laws several times before my husband and I became engaged. My MIL would put us in the same room with cheesy comments about how she understood we were big people now. It was annoying, actually.

 

Also, not all house/family combinations are set up to allow guests to have a single room. Sharing with another family member isn't unheard of. It may be less awkward for visiting bf to share with resident brother than for bf to share room with his sig other and her two sisters.

 

Well they might not have their own room, but I figured their own space. That could be the living room couch or the person whose family lives there takes the couch and gives the guest the actual bedroom. Lots of people have pull out couches or futons or would rough it on the couch if they wanted their guest to come that badly. I mean, really, this would have to be considered before inviting the guest over probably. Let's just say if it was my significant other and we were close enough that they were visiting for an overnight stay at my parents, I would know or ask how they felt about bunking with others they probably never met.

[AimeeM]

Well they might not have their own room, but I figured their own space. That could be the living room couch or the person whose family lives there takes the couch and gives the guest the actual bedroom. Lots of people have pull out couches or futons or would rough it on the couch if they wanted their guest to come that badly. I mean, really, this would have to be considered before inviting the guest over probably. Let's just say if it was my significant other and we were close enough that they were visiting for an overnight stay at my parents, I would know or ask how they felt about bunking with others they probably never met.

Just thinking in terms of large family holidays where there may be many out-of-town family members staying with each "host" family member... I can definitely see how it is possible that each visiting family member may not have their own space. 

[Kassia]

Again, if you allow one child to have unmarried S.O. in the room, you cannot insist on another child sleeping separately from his/her S.O. Age is irrelevant and the selective enforcement of rules WILL likely cause bitterness and feelings of unfair treatment.

 

 

I agree and, if we go on vacation, we'd have them in a room together.  For some reason, the situation is more awkward to me because they've been together since she was 15 and my son was 18.  So, I still think of her as a kid even though she's not anymore.  I didn't meet my older son's gf until she was 21 and living on her own.  Fortunately, the situation hasn't come up where the 19 yo girlfriend had planned on spending the night.  She has fallen asleep here on the couch several times and ended up staying the night, but it wasn't planned.  I don't see that ever happening because her parents are local so she has two homes to stay at (her parents are divorced).  That's not the case with my older son's gf - her family lives three hours away from us.  

[Murphy101]

I totally do not understand grown kids (aka adults) not being able to share sleeping quarters. DH and I were engaged and had been living together for over a year when we visited his extended family for Thanksgiving. Being ushered to seperate bedrooms was ridiculous at best, but better described as insulting. Equally insulting was not being included in the family photo (hello engagement ring firmly on my finger). I vowed then I would never demean my own kids' partners in such a way.

LOLOL My own father and my siblings a solid decade older me do not get to share rooms with their love interests when they stay with me. They do not even expect to either. If they don't like it, they are under no obligation to stay here over night.

 

We take all kinds of casual pictures around the table and such, but family pictures are for those who are actual family members, not the almost and most likely will be.

 

Now. If you want to discuss why after 23 years of marriage and 11 kids my dh's family still has never included me in a family picture and get annoyed when we never run to join "family" vacations where all the men and women separate, married or otherwise? I'm all on in that being demeaning and ridiculous. And bizarre to both dh and I.

 

We have everyone over. So far the entire bedroom arrangement thing has never been an issue for anyone staying with us of any age.

[Familia]

Nan in Mass, I can't send you a pm.  Can you contact me?  Thank you!

[Crimson Wife]

In-laws did this. It was before I even knew DH, but one of his older sisters was allowed to share a room with her fiancé at their parents' house when they visited while other siblings were not. We never shared sleeping quarters until after we were married in my parents' home either, so it wasn't a huge deal, but I know it annoyed DH that his parents changed the rule for one sibling.

 

I can understand treating a cohabiting partner that is the parent of a grandchild as "common-law spouse" (even if the state does not recognize common law marriages). But short of the couple having a kid together, unmarried is unmarried is unmarried to me.

[Crimson Wife]

I agree with you; just wanted to point out that the girlfriend (referenced in the post you quoted) is 19, legally an adult, which makes it even more inconsistent.  If she was a minor, it would be different (to me).

 

A minor girlfriend/boyfriend I would be concerned about legal implications of condoning a s*xual relationship (especially if my own son/daughter were legally an adult).