How to get over fear of learning to drive?

[gingersmom]

Any ideas?

 

My daughter just turned 20 and still is resistant to learning to drive. Last summer I printed out all 50+ pages of manual so she could get permit and it went in recycling bin.

 

She is going to volunteer off campus next year and will have to take Uber (unless can get friend to drive her). Plus she has 2 years of clinicals (nursing major) and is going to use Uber or pay someone for a ride. Crazy!!

 

We just discussed it again and you can sense how nervous she is. I told her I would pay for unlimited lessons just so she could get some experience behind the wheel. I even offered to find a driving school near her school.

 

You know how some people are petrified of flying. That's how she is about driving.

 

Help!!!

[VaKim]

No help here. My DD22 is the same. 

[maize]

A therapist experienced in helping people with anxiety and phobias might be able to help her.

[Code Lyoko]

Would seeing a counselor for anxiety help?  

[wendy not in HI]

Could she start by driving something other than a car?  Riding lawn mower, 4 wheeler, snowmobile, even a tractor?  Something away from roads and other cars??   Just so she can get a feel for turns and steering?  I think that was helpful for dd18 - she was a great driver from the get go, and I think that was because she spent a lot of time driving grandpa's lawnmower and tractor.  Just an idea.

 

On the other hand, my dd22 is in nursing school and is doing clinicals at a different university hospital about 45 minutes away from her university.  She and several other students carpool, so she rarely has to drive (she and her dh have a car, but he needs it, too) so there may be ways around ubering everywhere!  

 

[AK_Mom4]

Gently said - i do consider driving to be a life skill and to be important, but maybe your daughter has the right on this one. A fear of driving does not make one a better driver.

 

I would start by encouraging her to learn to Operate a car. How to turn it on, turn it off, how the pedals work, how to check the oil and tire pressure. How to put it in gear and how to park it. In short - learn how the thing works. Those are good things to know as an adult even if you don't drive.

 

Then leave it be. It sounds like she has a plan (uber and rides). She may need to settle in a metro area with good public transportation.

[katilac]

Cognitive based therapy. 

[Guest]

What is she afraid of? Operating the vehicle safely? Merging and traffic management skills? Reacting to other drivers?

 

If you can isolate where the fear is in relation to the act of driving, I think you can target a solution a lot more effectively :)

[SparklyUnicorn]

I didn't drive until I was 23.  In part I blame my mother for attempting to teach me to drive (at 16) and being extremely nervous and screamy.  I was totally turned off. 

 

I tried many instructors before finding the right one.  Many of them assume you know how to operate the car already.  I don't know if I'm just weird or what, but that part wasn't obvious to me at all.  So the guy I found I loved told me not only how to drive on the road in terms of following the rules, but also how to operate and handle the car.  Even down to how to aim the car to be within the right spot in the lane, what details to think about, etc.  It put me at east to have the details spelled out so specifically.  Prior it all felt so vague and then scary. 

 

I don't think I needed therapy.  Just a very patient instructor who was very good at instructing. 

 

 

 

 

 

[SparklyUnicorn]

I kind of don't think it's a big deal, but it will limit her.  She'll ideally look for a place to live with plenty of public transportation.  Public transport here is "ok" and I could manage somewhat if I HAD to.  It is nice to be able to come and go as I please or need with my own car, but I could get around if I had to.  In a place with better public transportation I think I might elect to do it because I hate driving.  I'm so tired of the jerks on the road. 

 

And it may seem crazy to keep taking cabs and stuff, but who knows maybe ultimately it wouldn't cost a ton more (and maybe less).  She might find someone to give her a ride with some of these things that would like to have their gas paid for.  She won't have to deal with repairs, breaking down, maintenance, etc. 

 

 

[Guest]

Actually glad to read this. My 20 yr old had no issue driving, and loves being an extra driver for me. My oldest is 24...and still doesn't have a license. When he first got a permit, twice in one day he came very close to being in an accident. He refused to try for a long time after that. I have been after him for the last 6 months to really get practice and try, and he very rarely does. When he does drive, he is very nervous and you can see his death grip on the steering wheel. Hubby and I were discussing it last night, trying to figure out if it's some sort of anxiety.

[Rosie_0801]

Does she know where she would begin learning to drive? Maybe she's imagining her second lesson will be on the freeway or something?

[gingersmom]

Could she start by driving something other than a car? Riding lawn mower, 4 wheeler, snowmobile, even a tractor? Something away from roads and other cars?? Just so she can get a feel for turns and steering? I think that was helpful for dd18 - she was a great driver from the get go, and I think that was because she spent a lot of time driving grandpa's lawnmower and tractor. Just an idea.

 

On the other hand, my dd22 is in nursing school and is doing clinicals at a different university hospital about 45 minutes away from her university. She and several other students carpool, so she rarely has to drive (she and her dh have a car, but he needs it, too) so there may be ways around ubering everywhere!

She had a Barbie car when she was like 4/5 (maybe 6). She was the worst at driving it!!!!

 

I never knew driving a Barbie car was so difficult (it's not!!). She became the passenger and we let her younger brother drive.

Edited November 8, 2016 by gingersmom

[gingersmom]

Does she know where she would begin learning to drive? Maybe she's imagining her second lesson will be on the freeway or something?

I'm always pointing out parking lots and long empty roads (nothing but cows in sight) that we can practice on. She kinda says ok and then changes her mind.

[gingersmom]

Gently said - i do consider driving to be a life skill and to be important, but maybe your daughter has the right on this one. A fear of driving does not make one a better driver.

 

I would start by encouraging her to learn to Operate a car. How to turn it on, turn it off, how the pedals work, how to check the oil and tire pressure. How to put it in gear and how to park it. In short - learn how the thing works. Those are good things to know as an adult even if you don't drive.

 

Then leave it be. It sounds like she has a plan (uber and rides). She may need to settle in a metro area with good public transportation.

I think over winter break this is how we are going to start. Sitting in garage, car off and go over parts of the car, let her sit in drivers seat, no pressure.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Does she know where she would begin learning to drive? Maybe she's imagining her second lesson will be on the freeway or something?

 

It might be.  The requirement is only about 5 hours on the road.  I was taken onto a highway my second lesson with someone else.  Which wasn't good because I did not feel ready.

[Rosie_0801]

It might be.  The requirement is only about 5 hours on the road.  I was taken onto a highway my second lesson with someone else.  Which wasn't good because I did not feel ready.

 

5 hours on the road? This permit allows you to drive by yourself, wherever you want?

[Rosie_0801]

I'm always pointing out parking lots and long empty roads (nothing but cows in sight) that we can practice on. She kinda says ok and then changes her mind.

 

Does she know how to stop?

[SparklyUnicorn]

I think over winter break this is how we are going to start. Sitting in garage, car off and go over parts of the car, let her sit in drivers seat, no pressure.

 

I think this is a great idea.  Some people might think it's silly, but no some people need to feel comfortable with the details before jumping in.

 

Something I do with  my 14 year old because I'm determined to make this transition easier for him is I talk about stuff I'm doing while driving sometimes.  Stuff like who has the right of way.  What things to think about when changing lanes.  Etc...

 

I remember the first few times I changed lanes.  I thought one just changed lanes.  I didn't know where to look or what to look for.  LOL  Sounds silly now that I've been driving for almost 20 years, but it wasn't obvious to me. 

Edited November 8, 2016 by SparklyUnicorn

[SparklyUnicorn]

5 hours on the road? This permit allows you to drive by yourself, wherever you want?

 

No actually with a permit the requirement is even stupider.  There is no minimum time required on the road before taking the test.  What I mean is under 18 (laws vary place to place) you only needed proof that you had 5 hours of actual road practice with an instructor.  When over 18, I don't think that's a requirement at all.  And no you cannot drive alone on a permit.

[SparklyUnicorn]

So to add, with only 5 hours they did jump right into things including getting on the freeway by lesson 2.

 

It's quite expensive so they probably did have a lot of students who tried to do this all very quickly.  For some that probably works out ok.  Although given that teen drivers have one of the worst accident rates it's not a terrible suggestion that maybe it is because they have so little instruction on the road before taking the test.

 

 

[OnMyOwn]

My ds was very anxious about driving and did not want to learn at all. I started by having drive down our short little rural road that almost no one lives one. Every day. Then, one day he was comfortable enough with that and I took him over to a close neighborhood that is just one big loop and I had him drive that every day until he was comfortable. We kept moving from there and I had to keep pushing him. Once he was ready for the main road, I found an instructor who was a real gift to us -- patient, kind and my ds looked up to him. He drove with him for 2 weeks. It's one year later and I have my ds drive me to different locations for about 3 hours each week. He's getting more and more confident all of a sudden in the last couple of months -- PTL! At the end of next summer, I'll take him for his license. The one final hoop will be him driving alone and we may have to go back to square one for awhile where he just drives up and down our road while he gets used to not having anyone with him. So, baby steps. But, I feel for you. It's going to be tough at that age if she isn't willing. But, starting out by just sitting in the car is the first step.

[Liz CA]

Can you take her to a wide open area such as a deserted parking lot on a weekend or similar?

This will only work if she is concerned about vehicle operation and coordinating responses. If there are other issues, I would look into counseling.

Where we live, it would seriously impact life if you did not drive but this varies geographically.

[EmseB]

This is me.  I learned when I was 19.  I tried at 16, but honestly, my mom was just too anxious, and it made me anxious and so I just didn't start driving.  Neither of my parents pushed the issue. But, I had done weeks with my mom in vacant office parks and parking lots and I was still petrified.

 

But, I joined the military and one day I had a friend of mine just say, "get in, you're driving," when we were going out.  I was beyond reluctant.  But, she insisted, and I did it.  I got on the freeway and everything, mostly because she was so nonchalant about the whole thing.  She didn't freak out.  After that one time of having one successful afternoon of driving I didn't fear it anymore. I got my license a few weeks later.

 

I know this is rambling, but long story short -- I just had to do it.  I had to have someone in the car confident in me and not worried at all about what was going to happen (or at least pretended as much).

ETA: and, no one I know suggested therapy for me, lol.  I was just scared of learning a new skill and I had ways to avoid needing it.  So I didn't.

Edited November 8, 2016 by JodiSue

[Arcadia]

I'm always pointing out parking lots and long empty roads (nothing but cows in sight) that we can practice on. She kinda says ok and then changes her mind.

Has she tried golf cart driving at a golf course? That is where my boys want to try driving when they reach the allowed/minimum age.

 

I dare to drive but I don't because I can't stay in lane consistently due to vision issues.

 

My friends have phobia of parking so using a hatchback or a Smart Fortwo car helps because the car length is shorter than a sedan.

 

My hubby does not like certain roads because drivers tend to change lanes recklessly. I could see that causing anxiety for a passenger witnessing erratic driving.

[marbel]

  My son has/had a lot of anxiety over driving.  (He has a lot of anxiety anyway.)  He has had his permit almost a year.   My husband started off very slowly with him; they spent a lot of time in parking lots before attempting roads.   Slowly he has gotten better, but he still hates it.  We've talked about the alternatives to driving:  living in an urban area with public transit; uber and other driving services; asking friends to drive and finding ways to compensate them.   Since he hates the city, urban living is not attractive to him; the idea of  uber creeps him out; the third option is attractive but not always workable! 

 

In his case (because of other issues he has), we are looking into adaptive driving lessons.  These are typically for older drivers or drivers who become disabled, but some places also offer for teens with LDs and ADHD.  (OP, I'm not assuming either of those issues fit your daughter; I'm not advising you to seek if out, just saying what we're trying. :-) )   Even though  he had professional lessons (along with lots of time with Dad and me), I think this will give him an extra layer of confidence.  

 

:grouphug:

[lllll]

nm

Edited December 12, 2016 by ..Kathy..

[umsami]

My Dad started us by driving in an empty parking lot....then we moved to driving around our block.

 

Are you in an area with really bad traffic?

 

There are schools that specialize in nervous drivers. I would call one up and explain the situation.

 

DS1 told me last year... "I hope my wife is a good driver."

 

Me..."Why?"

 

DS1....." This driving thing looks complicated. I'm going to let her do all the driving."  :D

[Rosie_0801]

No actually with a permit the requirement is even stupider.  There is no minimum time required on the road before taking the test.  What I mean is under 18 (laws vary place to place) you only needed proof that you had 5 hours of actual road practice with an instructor.  When over 18, I don't think that's a requirement at all.  And no you cannot drive alone on a permit.

 

We don't have any requirement for time on the road to get a Learners Permit, because that is what allows someone to begin learning to drive. (Unless you have a paddock basher- an old car to drive around in someone's paddock.)

 

It's changed since I was that age, but now one needs 100-120 hours on the road to get a probationary license that allows you to drive alone.

[magnificent_baby]

Agree with the driving school suggestions.

 

I have anxiety on our local interstates; I take the side roads everywhere in a fairly large city. It takes me a bit longer, but gets me everywhere I need to go. Can always pull over if there's an issue or if she needs to take a breather. 

[fairfarmhand]

Just go slow. Sit on the car, turn it on. Do that a few days. Show her how to shift into reverse. Do it but don't move. Do that a few days. Then let her lift her foot from the brake and move a bit. Just let her take it a step at a time.

 

 

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[HomeMum]

Parking lots.