Hmmm... faking illness to get out of school

[Tranquility7]

How do you handle this? What if you don't know for SURE that they are faking?

 

DS10 generally likes school ok (although of course prefers his free time). However, a couple of weeks ago he complained of a stomach ache and needed to go to the bathroom a lot. I figured something he ate disagreed with him, and I told him maybe he needed to just sit on the toilet for a bit.

 

Fast forward to now... he has now used this "excuse" numerous times over the last couple of weeks. I call it an excuse because it never seems to happen except when he is supposed to be doing school. Kinda suspicious, in my book...

 

Any ideas for how I can deal with this and suss out whether he is legitimately sick? I don't want to take him to the doctor if he doesn't need it, but I also don't want to be uncompassionate or foolish if he does. DS is generally a trustworthy kid, so I feel bad being suspicious, but the timing is a little weird...

[regentrude]

In my home, a child who is too sick to do school gets to rest in bed without electronics or TV and  gets to eat bland foods that do not upset the stomach. The child gets plenty of rest and sleep, no distractions, no excitement, no friends over, no going outside. Being sick is very boring and unattractive.

 

 

 

 

 

Edited August 1, 2016 by regentrude

[luuknam]

In my home, a child who is too sick to do school gets to rest in bed without electronics or TV and  gets to eat bland foods that do not upset the stomach. The child gets plenty of rest and sleep, no distractions, no excitement, no friends over, no going outside. Being sick is very boring and unattractive.

 

This, if I suspect the kid is just faking it. If the kid is throwing up or w/e I'm not that harsh.

[Arcadia]

My DS10 has always had a sensitive belly. He had done school work sitting outside the bathroom door. He has also brought his assigned readings to read while at potty.

 

A bland diet of porridge, plain yogurt and vegetables smoothie helps "detoxify".

 

No playtime until work is done works for my kids. If they are sick, they will be puking and sleeping anyway with no energy to play.

[happypamama]

I gave my kids five sick days for this year. If they use a sick day, that day's work gets moved to the next day, shifting the year end back by the number of sick days used. (If they do not use a sick day, that day's work has to be done that day, or they get no screens.). If they're feverish and can't get out of bed or are throwing up, the work just gets moved to the next day and doesn't use a sick day. The sick days are to distinguish between being a little under the weather (extra tired, a bit sniffly, etc.) from truly sick.

 

Perhaps he has some allergies or sensitivities to foods, maybe breakfast ones, and that's why he gets an upset tummy at school time? Or an anxiety about a subject?

 

If you really think it's an excuse, you could suggest that perhaps you need to make an appointment with the doctor to discuss his tummy issues. If it's legit, that's maybe a good idea, and if it's not legit, that'll probably stop it.

[Plink]

Schoolwork can always be done when child is "feeling better."  Is it time to leave for swim team?  Oh, that's too bad.  Time to pull out the math book instead.  Necessary work trumps outside activities.

[happynurse]

Is there a certain subject that is distressing him? Maybe there is something school-related that is causing him anxiety and, therefore, upsetting his stomach? Just a thought.

[Peaceful Isle]

If my kids are truly sick , they get to rest on the couch with pillow and blanket. They have to close their eyes and rest for part of the time, and read for the other part. 

 

If they are puking/fever sick, I let them watch movies to distract them, along with resting and reading on the couch.

 

If they are pulling a fake sick on me, they get to sleep on the couch with nothing. I usually use my mommy gut, and 99% of the time, I am right. 

 

 

There are times they are just under the weather and tired, Usually on those days, they do a lighter day of school, and go to bed really early... because they need there rest to heal. lol They don't like that, but can't argue, because they told me they were too tired to do hard school. 

 

 

Both my daughters got Mono a few years ago, and that was a different story altogether. I am not going to restrict electronics and movies, when they have a chronic illness that lasts months. 

 

Edited August 1, 2016 by Peacefulisle

[Lisa in the UP of MI]

It's pretty easy to tell with my kids how sick they are.  If they are in bed most of the day then they won't be doing school work.  If they are throwing up, we all usually watch movies for the day.  If they are up and around playing and doing other normal things then they will still be doing their school work.  If they've lost their voice or have a really bad cough then I try to minimize the talking that they need to do, but we'll still do most of their work.

 

In a case like your son, if one of my kids was complaining of an upset stomach and they were resting on the couch or going to the bathroom they would be excused from school for the day or part of the day.  But if they were doing normal activities, we would still be doing school work.  If it was an on going thing I'd be trying to figure out what was going on.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Periodically my kids exaggerate or fake.  I often still give them the day off.  I consider those as mental health days.  We can all use those now and then.  However, if they did it all the time then I'd make sure nothing was really wrong by taking them to a doctor.  Then I don't know.  I guess I'd stop letting them get away with it without some sort of evidence of illness or I'd make it far less interesting to be sick.  OR maybe you can say well ok you can have today off, but then Saturday we'll need to make up the day.  It would probably be sucky for you, but I imagine if it is fake that'll take care of it pretty quickly. 

 

 

[SparklyUnicorn]

Schoolwork can always be done when child is "feeling better."  Is it time to leave for swim team?  Oh, that's too bad.  Time to pull out the math book instead.  Necessary work trumps outside activities.

 

Although wouldn't that be punishment to the team?  I don't use extra curricular stuff as bargaining tools because they are expensive AND this is a punishment to the group as well. 

[Plink]

Although wouldn't that be punishment to the team?  I don't use extra curricular stuff as bargaining tools because they are expensive AND this is a punishment to the group as well. 

 

At age 10, I'm pretty sure the team will survive just fine without him for one day.  I'd rather have my child become an honest team-mate than a well exercised one.  (if there even is a team - this scenario is entirely hypothetical.)

 

My major point was to give grace in case the child really is sick, but make sure the work is accomplished as soon as possible if I doubt the child's trustworthiness, even if the new school time is inconvenient.

[mathnerd]

My son used to often tell me that he has a stomach ache while doing work - and the stomach ache would never show up on other occasions like playing with friends etc. I figured out that he is anxious during work because my rule was that he could not play or go to extra curricular activities until he got his work done and he was constantly checking the time anxiously to make sure that he was making progress with his work. His anxiety was showing up as stomach ache in his case.

I taught him how to budget his time and made him write out reasonable intervals of time for his work, lunch breaks, recess breaks, reading breaks etc so that he could control and manage his time while still knowing how to finish on time for his extra curriculars and friend visits. The stomach ache episodes during work have dropped a lot after that.

[Janeway]

Unless he has something to do in there, I would suspect he is really actually sick. By something to do in there, I mean phone, pad, etc.

Edited August 2, 2016 by Janeway

[Janeway]

Although wouldn't that be punishment to the team? I don't use extra curricular stuff as bargaining tools because they are expensive AND this is a punishment to the group as well.

I agree with you on this.

[eternalsummer]

we also take mental health days

 

my dad used to call me in "sick" whenever I wanted as a kid because I had great grades anyway and I wasn't really sick all that often, but I did need the extra day every couple of weeks to just sleep/relax

 

I had a very high stakes academic load, and the stress was serious

 

 

I would wonder why he dislikes school so much, if he is faking often

[SparklyUnicorn]

we also take mental health days

 

my dad used to call me in "sick" whenever I wanted as a kid because I had great grades anyway and I wasn't really sick all that often, but I did need the extra day every couple of weeks to just sleep/relax

 

I had a very high stakes academic load, and the stress was serious

 

 

I would wonder why he dislikes school so much, if he is faking often

 

My mom would do the same for me.

 

We school year round too so I don't feel as much pressure to complete x number of days by x date.

[luuknam]

I would wonder why he dislikes school so much, if he is faking often

 

It's been only a couple of weeks, if I read the OP correctly. My oldest has tried that this past year - he threw up once, so I let him rest and watch TV, and then the next couple of weeks he'd complain about "feeling like he needs to throw up", or even making some gagging noises at the toilet (but not actually throwing up). It was rather obvious that he thought he'd found a magic trick to get out of doing stuff he didn't want to do. Which doesn't mean he dislikes schoolwork that much - just that no schoolwork is better than schoolwork, especially if it also means more TV or something else enjoyable.

 

So, I told him if he felt sick he could lie in bed and try to sleep, with the result that a few minutes later he'd magically feel good again. And, after a couple of weeks of that he hasn't tried again.

Edited August 2, 2016 by luuknam

[SparklyUnicorn]

 

I would wonder why he dislikes school so much, if he is faking often

 

One of mine hates school.  No clue why.  I've tried all sorts of things.  He's just my school hater I guess!

 

I'm open to suggestions though.  LOL

[Farrar]

I don't know enough from the OP to even begin to guess if he's faking it or not.

 

And having kids to who have some legit issues getting... um... relaxed to take care of business sometimes... I don't like the idea of not allowing kids to read or do something pleasantly distracting on the toilet.

 

Before anything else, I'd talk to the kid and explain your suspicions and ask what's up. If it's really gastrointestinal, it's probably time to visit the doctor for ongoing issues or start an elimination diet or something. If it's because of anxiety about something in school, it's a chance - no judgment - to talk about that.

[Ravin]

Our homeschool is structured such that if DD is feeling unwell, she can take care of herself, but she doesn't get to do anything fun (i.e., go hang with friends or veg out on her phone) unless and until her lessons and chores are done. That means, if she has a migraine or an upset stomach, or is faking it, she has the same consequences--she is free to rest and not do her work, but she's not going to get to enjoy watching screens for pleasure or time with friends either.

 

If she is REALLY not feeling well, she doesn't generally argue with these restrictions.

[Milknhoney]

Sorry if this sounds gross, but first off I would be standing outside the bathroom door and listening to what's going on. That should give you some clue as to whether he is having a real problem. 

 

My oldest understands that the school year is over when the work is done. If we don't do school today, that's one extra day at the end of the year we have to work. He will push through even with a mild cold because of this. I haven't had to have the conversation with my youngest yet, but she doesn't do delayed gratification well so that conversation probably wouldn't have an impact. However, telling her we have to go to the doctor would. Especially if I painted the visit in such a way as to sound unpleasant. 

 

If I were you I would also try a gluten free/dairy free diet. It's possible he has a real sensitivity to those things, and the diet would take care of that. And if he's faking, not getting to eat his favorite cookies, crackers, ice cream, etc. might motivate him to "get well" again. (Although getting well would indicate that the diet is necessary, so if he's faking, he'll be somewhat stuck on what to do with that one...)

 

When I was in junior high, I went through a period of time when my stomach made loud noises from the time lunch was over to when school was over. The problem always disappeared when school was out and I only had it on school days. So I did recognize that it was anxiety related. In my case, homeschooling would have solved the problem as academics did not cause anxiety, just the social aspect. So I have no idea what might help in your case, only that anxiety is certainly capable of causing GI symptoms and shouldn't be ruled out.

[kiwik]

If he is going to the toilet a lot but not seeming sick I would suspect constipation.

[katilac]

Unless he has something to do in there, I would suspect he is really actually sick. By something to do in there, I mean phone, pad, etc.

 

I don't know, lots of kids would prefer to daydream or do nothing if it gets them out of schoolwork, lol. As a child, I was a gifted daydreamer who never minded being sent to my room as discipline. 

 

OP, I think the long-term solution is for him to understand that the work doesn't go away. He has x amount of time and, one way or the other, that math lesson is going to take up some of that time. If my kids want to take a day off to do something, or just chill, they can, but they still have x amount of work that needs to be done by (end of the month, mid-year, end of the year). Taking off time doesn't get them out of anything, it just moves the time. 

 

In the short-term, I wouldn't want to accuse him of faking it or even bring it up, just bc I know that would have offended the heck out of me as a child. 

 

I'd ask him for details, both to see if they're believable, and because you need to know if he really is sick. I'd say that a doctor's visit is coming up if he doesn't feel better soon, both because it would be, and because he might start feeling better if he doesn't like going to the doctor. 

 

When you say he feels sick when he's supposed to be doing school, what does that mean? Does he have a specified time for doing school? If so, I'd just say we were going to have to work late some days to make up lessons. I'd start planting the idea that school is an activity, not a time.

 

 If it's more that he feels sick when you say 'time for school,' then I'd probably tie something positive to when schoolwork is done. 

 

"I thought we'd go to the park today after lunch . . . as soon as math and history are finished." Dawdling or dodging schoolwork only delays and shortens the treat of going to the park. If he can't do school at all, obviously he can't go to the park, or eat an ice cream, or whatever. 

 

Sometimes school can seem daunting and endless to young students, and of course they don't always see the point of it. They also aren't always the best at realizing that they could play to their heart's content if they would just finish! So vocalizing the benefits of finishing on a daily basis can really help. 

 

One more thing: they don't always have a clear sense of time, so it helps to clarify that also. "It's one o'clock now, and we only have spelling and math left - we can finish up and be at the park by two!" 

Edited August 4, 2016 by katilac