Do you have one or more current friends about whom you would say this:

[purpleowl]

Apart from family members (with whom I'm blessed to have such close relationships), I have two such friends.

 

One is a friend from college. Sometimes we are on the phone a couple times a week, other times we'll go a couple of months without talking, but we can pick back up effortlessly no matter what. We went up to visit them (her husband is a friend from college too) a few months ago, but before that it had been a few years since we'd seen each other in person. 

 

The other is someone I met when she married a guy from our church (5.5 years ago), but we started becoming close friends about 3 years ago. We have laughed together and wept together, sometimes at the same time. 

[DawnM]

Yes!  I am so thankful for my true friends.

[Onceuponatime]

Not unless you count family. I moved every three years (military) my whole life, until I was 25. Then we moved again 10 years later. That, plus me being highly introverted, has not been conducive to forming tight friendships. I have had many friends that I laughed hard with, but currently don't have contact with most of them just because of life circumstances.

 

My kids are my favorite "laughing till you bust a gut" friends now.

[SparklyUnicorn]

What about us here?

 

Ok I was going to say more than this, but when I wrote it I was half asleep.  I started off saying no.  That I don't have people I can laugh and cry with and who help me out, etc.  But then I thought well gee that would be rather insulting to some of the people here because I do in fact laugh and cry with some people here and some people here have helped me out and I have helped others out. 

 

Granted I wish I could gather those people up and get them to be closer.  It is what it is.  Part of the difficulty is just a combination of time and opportunity.  I tend towards wanting a very good friend or two rather than lots and lots of people to hang out with.  That just takes more than what I've got at the moment.

[elegantlion]

I'm fortunate that I can do that with my mom and ds. Ex was rarely that way. I have one friend from long ago that feels that way, but we never get together because we live too far apart to just go out to lunch. 

 

I'm cultivating that at school, but same issue. It's at school and most of them are adults, so at the end of the day they have responsibilities to go home too. 

 

I miss having a non-related individual to call and go out to coffee and chat, but the last time I had that I got burned, the person lied to me about something important. 

 

At some point I'd like to start dating and being able to just talk and laugh is near the top of the list. 

[JustEm]

I can laugh until I can't breath with people who are not close friends. Dh's close friends are great people and I love hanging out with them and laughing until it hurts with them on a regular basis. But they will never be my close friends. I will never seek out their advice or ask for their help in an emergency.

 

I have had 2 close friends in my few adulthood so far. One I met the first night of college. She was there for the worst part of my labor,when they were trying to insert foleybulb) in the hospital with my firstborn. Dh wasn't even there for that because she was given him a break to go eat. She has seen me through a miscarriage, marriage issues, arguments with siblings and other friends. I've seen her through 2 extremely bad breakups, family issues, and other stuff. She will always be in my life. Nothing will change our friendship enough to no longer be friends. We are just too compatible yet we aren't even that similar.

 

The other friendship was made while roughly 5 years ago right before my miscarriage. This person saw me through my miscarriage and all the fear associated with the pregnancy after that miscarriage. She was there for me when I was struggling with dh's job and she helped me through so much more. I've helped her through so much as well. But sadly for whatever reason she stopped all communication with me. She claims she hasn't changed our friendship but it's there and very clear so I stepped back and told her I was done because she couldn't own up to the fact that she was essentially stringing me along. This wound is fresh but as of now I have no desire to open myself up to another friendship like that. I've got my best friend who will always be there, my dh, 6 siblings who are all my best friends, and my parents. I don't need anyone not in the family to fill the role of close friends.

[Guest]

Hubby is that person for me. It's been that way since college a little bit after we started dating (about 28 years ago) and hasn't changed. We really are perfect for each other. I don't want anyone as close to me as he is.

 

My mom is probably second at this point in my life, but that started sometime after my kids were born.

 

I have a couple of closer friends who know more about my life than others, but we don't get together all that often, 'cause hubby and I spend most of our time together. We see each other at work or church and catch up. We have new neighbors who moved in about 4 months ago and they are quickly becoming good friends - far closer than most get, but usually we get together as couples to play games or eat dinner and talk.

 

Anyone who enters my circles of friends had better be able to laugh. Humor is a major part of our everyday lives. People who are close to us say it's one thing they love about being with us. Even kids/teachers at school notice. Hubby went in one day for a "Math Careers Day" as a presenter since he's a local very well respected engineer. I haven't stopped hearing comments about how "he's so cool" or "you two are perfect for each other," coupled with "he was so funny with his presentation - it was very, very good." Humor is a great way for controlling a classroom too. :coolgleamA: It's difficult to keep acting up when you're laughing.

 

Those without a sense of humor will not want to be in our circle of friends for long.

I wonder about the humor part, though, because - are you saying you can't really be friends with someone who is hurting? I really do think one facet (my experience, anyway) of going through a tragedy that complicates grief is that a surprising number of people can't abide a damaged friend long enough for the friend to become "fun" again. I remember one time my former dear friend said to me, in the year after my baby died, "You are just so...unhappy." Well - duh! It may be that our friendship had a weak foundation, or maybe she was just a crappy fair-weather friend. But it hurt me a lot that I lost my best friend when, and possibly because i also lost my daughter.

 

But when I'm healthy, I am great laugher. :)

[Guest]

P.S. I am outta likes, but be assured I am reading each post.

[KrissiK]

Yes, I am very fortunate to have a friend like that. We met in band our freshman year in high school (35 years ago). We're BFF's all the way through high school, maid/matron of honor at each other's wedding, still text eachother multiple times a day, though we aren't able to see each other in person a lot. She homeschools, too.

Edited February 22, 2016 by KrissiK

[texasmama]

Yes.  I am very blessed in the area of friendship.  Some are "go way back" and some are newer ones.

[texasmama]

I wonder about the humor part, though, because - are you saying you can't really be friends with someone who is hurting? I really do think one facet (my experience, anyway) of going through a tragedy that complicates grief is that a surprising number of people can't abide a damaged friend long enough for the friend to become "fun" again. I remember one time my former dear friend said to me, in the year after my baby died, "You are just so...unhappy." Well - duh! It may be that our friendship had a weak foundation, or maybe she was just a crappy fair-weather friend. But it hurt me a lot that I lost my best friend when, and possibly because i also lost my daughter.

 

But when I'm healthy, I am great laugher. :)

Me, too.  So very many people are uncomfortable with other people's pain long-term.  The grief-stricken are allowed a few short months and then need to move on to meds and therapies, in my experience after my mother passed away.  My life was a train wreck a decade ago with four close relatives dying in a little over a year, a baby with a birth defect, a child with developmental delays, an unemployed husband, no money, not much practical help and support.  Some folks jumped ship or suggested I needed meds.  I'm not anti-meds at all and have availed myself of both meds and therapy at the appropriate times, but it is really appropriate for a person to still be "very sad" six months after a significant loss.  I'm still sad, ten years later. But I have returned to my "new norm", which is close to my old norm with an undercurrent of sadness which helps me to be a better friend.  And I am really into laughing and having a good time so the people who jumped ship missed out.  

 

I doubt that is what creekland meant, but I am responding with my own experience because your post rang a bell.

[Tap]

I have a really stressful life and that makes it hard to spend time with people enjoying life.  I have to purposefully try to not bring a conversation down with stories from my life, so when I spend time with people, I try to avoid talking about myself. I only have two people that I would call friends who know anything about my personal life, and of those two, one of them only knows about the struggles with dd9...not all the other crap.  I talk to her a couple times per year, and the other friend, who knows a bit more about my life, I talk to for 5 minutes or so, about once a month.

 

I have people that I work with who I enjoy spending the work day with.  They are work friends. and that is all they will be. We don't get together outside of work.  If one of us leaves our pharmacy, we will chat a few times and then that will be the end.  That is just kinda how work friends are.

 

I am an outcast in my family, so I don't talk to any of them except my mom once or twice a month. They are mad that the judge gave me permanent custody of my great-niece instead of giving her back to her bio-mom (my niece).  My mom and I just talk about family things, not fun things, so I wouldn't say it was a fun conversation.  I would never, ever, confide in my mom.  She and I do not have that relationship at all. 

 

As far as friends from my youth, I lived in 6 states in 6 years and went to 10 different schools.  My two best friends in high school, both got heavy into drugs our senior year and our friendship broke.  One of them I have talked to casually on the phone twice, but there isn't a bond there anymore.  The other I haven't seen or heard from since then.  All of my friends, have came into my life in the past 8 years.

 

I really have had very little joy in my life for several years now, so it is hard to have 'laugh till you can't breath' moments.  

Edited February 22, 2016 by Tap

[Seeking Squirrels]

No, not really. I used to have a friend like that, but she moved halfway across the country and we lost touch. We text each other happy birthday and that's it. And my bestie in high school was like this but we also lost touch.

 

My best friend now, we hang and we chat. We text. I do consider her my best friend, but it doesn't feel tight. I still think about the wording of my text, not just firing her anything. We don't really laugh or be goofy or go out. It's mostly playdates for the kids. And lately she's cancelled on me a lot (as in 80% of our plans) which makes me insecure about it and I haven't really text her as much as I would have before.

[HRAAB]

I thought I had a friendship like that at one time, but it really wasn't.  Sadly, my sister and I will never have that type of relationship.  There are times when I wish I did have that one special friend, but then I remember and think maybe I'm better off without.  It's really okay, though.  I've got dh, and he's been a better, truer, more loyal friend that I could have ever hoped for.

 

I do have a few friends, more than acquaintances but not real close.  If we run into each other, we'll visit.  We might even have a phone conversation but it wouldn't be made just for the sake of conversation but if we had a question.  I get invited to their events, and I invite them to mine.  It's more casual.

[Spryte]

Yes.

 

I have college friends, and when we see each other we pick up where we left. If we need each other - we are there.

 

And I have friends cultivated in adulthood who are the same. Friends are good.

 

And ... DH. Who is my best friend.

[Lady Florida.]

Ok I was going to say more than this, but when I wrote it I was half asleep.  I started off saying no.  That I don't have people I can laugh and cry with and who help me out, etc.  But then I thought well gee that would be rather insulting to some of the people here because I do in fact laugh and cry with some people here and some people here have helped me out and I have helped others out. 

 

 

 

Yes, this. I have laughed and cried and supported (in different ways) people online that I've never met in person. Besides here, I'm on a list that started as a pregnancy list. Our "babies" are 18 now and we're still together. Living in Florida and not far from the theme parks, I've been able to meet some of them when they came here on vacation. Most of us have never met but have been there for each other  through thick and thin.

 

I can laugh until I can't breath with people who are not close friends. Dh's close friends are great people and I love hanging out with them and laughing until it hurts with them on a regular basis. But they will never be my close friends. I will never seek out their advice or ask for their help in an emergency.

 

 

 

Some of the best times I've had have been with people who are not close friends. A group of us were doing couples game nights for a while. Two of the women are the close hs friends I referred to up thread, but the other two are just casual acquaintances. I'm not close to any of the husbands, and dh is only somewhat close to one of them. We have laughed over our game play until we had tears in our eyes and couldn't breathe.

 

It's not that hard to have friends you can laugh with. Those you can cry with are harder to find, but worth the effort it takes to cultivate and keep the friendship.

Edited February 22, 2016 by Lady Florida

[Garga]

I have one friend that I laugh with uproariously that I met in high school and still know. We live an hour's drive from each other and it's hard to plan time together with kids and busy lives. But when we're together we still laugh a lot.

 

The rare times I talk with my mother, we laugh uproariously over things.

 

I have a brand new friend. I have been FB friends with her for a few years. I met her at our church's photography group, but she rarely goes to group things because of immunity issues, so the friendship was mostly through FB, but in the past couple of months, she and I have hung out eating dessert together 3 times and we laugh until we can't breathe. We are not solid friends yet. Anything could end it at this point. But I'm hopeful we can try to keep it going.

 

However...a friend who knows me inside and out? And has been there for me? No. I think it might be impossible for me at this point to open up to any other human on the planet enough for that kind of thing. There is always a big part of me that is completely locked away from everyone.

[HRAAB]

Yes, this. I have laughed and cried and supported (in different ways) people online that I've never met in person. Besides here, I'm on a list that started as a pregnancy list. Our "babies" are 18 now and we're still together. Living in Florida and not far from the theme parks, I've been able to meet some of them when they came here on vacation. Most of us have never met but have been there for each other  through thick and thin.

 

 

Some of the best times I've had have been with people who are not close friends. A group of us were doing couples game nights for a while. Two of the women are the close hs friends I referred to up thread, but the other two are just casual acquaintances. I'm not close to any of the husbands, and dh is only somewhat close to one of them. We have laughed over our game play until we had tears in our eyes and couldn't breathe.

 

It's not that hard to have friends you can laugh with. Those you can cry with are harder to find, but worth the effort it takes to cultivate and keep the friendship.

 

Good point.  Dh and I had a Valentine's date - overnight at a hotel, dinner, a favorite local band and dancing.  We were the first to sit down at a table and eventually three other couples joined us.  We had an absolute blast.  I can't even remember their names (Dan, Michelle.......), but I will remember that night for a very long time.  An observer might have thought we were all old friends and found it hard to believe we had just met. Fun time.

[Garga]

I have a really stressful life and that makes it hard to spend time with people enjoying life. I have to purposefully try to not bring a conversation down with stories from my life, so when I spend time with people, I try to avoid talking about myself. I only have two people that I would call friends who know anything about my personal life, and of those two, one of them only knows about the struggles with dd9...not all the other crap. I talk to her a couple times per year, and the other friend, who knows a bit more about my life, I talk to for 5 minutes or so, about once a month.

 

I have people that I work with who I enjoy spending the work day with. They are work friends. and that is all they will be. We don't get together outside of work. If one of us leaves our pharmacy, we will chat a few times and then that will be the end. That is just kinda how work friends are.

 

I am an outcast in my family, so I don't talk to any of them except my mom once or twice a month. They are mad that the judge gave me permanent custody of my great-niece instead of giving her back to her bio-mom (my niece). My mom and I just talk about family things, not fun things, so I wouldn't say it was a fun conversation. I would never, ever, confide in my mom. She and I do not have that relationship at all.

 

As far as friends from my youth, I lived in 6 states in 6 years and went to 10 different schools. My two best friends in high school, both got heavy into drugs our senior year and our friendship broke. One of them I have talked to casually on the phone twice, but there isn't a bond there anymore. The other I haven't seen or heard from since then. All of my friends, have came into my life in the past 8 years.

 

I really have had very little joy in my life for several years now, so it is hard to have 'laugh till you can't breath' moments.

A hug for you.

[Garga]

 

I think it's exceedingly hard and unlikely for me to develop that type of friendship again as an older woman.

Until you're old, perhaps? Well, maybe not old, but retired. Maybe that's what the Red Hat Lady thing is all about.

 

When you are young, you have limited responsibility and lots of time so you can develop friendships. In the middle years, you have endless responsibility and limited time and there's just no time or energy for friendships. In the older years, if you're not working, you may gain some of that time back to focus on people around you and develop friendships.

 

Well, I hope so anyway.

Edited February 22, 2016 by Garga

[Garga]

Yeah, it does. I have no problem joining things and if I say I'm going to show up to something, I will follow through unless the house is on fire.

 

The "sharing" part...this is a weak point for me. I know that I am guarded (well, IRL; not here! ;)) and don't like putting my heart out there. I think I am hard to get close to. I don't want to be, but I am.

 

Also calling...yeah. I'm not a call-er. Text - we're golden. But phone calls...not so much. I am sure this is one readon I have more easily grown close to people I see anyway. When people are no longer in my circle, the drifting is almost certain.

This is me exactly.

[Ottakee]

Tap...I would be your friend. The friend i mentioned in my post near the beginning is like you in many ways. We talk about the stuff we just can't talk about with others.....major kid issues and stresses that no one else gets, her fears over one child's potentially fatal diagnosis, the fact that our new foster has 2 felonies, etc. A friend like that to vent to and support each other is great.

[creekland]

I wonder about the humor part, though, because - are you saying you can't really be friends with someone who is hurting? I really do think one facet (my experience, anyway) of going through a tragedy that complicates grief is that a surprising number of people can't abide a damaged friend long enough for the friend to become "fun" again. I remember one time my former dear friend said to me, in the year after my baby died, "You are just so...unhappy." Well - duh! It may be that our friendship had a weak foundation, or maybe she was just a crappy fair-weather friend. But it hurt me a lot that I lost my best friend when, and possibly because i also lost my daughter.

 

But when I'm healthy, I am great laugher. :)

 

I suspect my friend group might be self-selecting.  There is definitely hurt within it - lost parents/siblings, wayward teen and/or adult kids, significant injuries, malignant cancer, one of these friends passed away one year ago this coming Feb 26th - but we all still can see the humor in life.  Sometimes that humor involves the painful issues to be honest.  We're all ok with that.  There probably are limits, but we seem to instinctively know where those are.  Laughing, in our group, is some of our best medicine.  We feel better after we've had a good laugh about what's going wrong in life.  It helps us know life continues.

 

I don't know of anyone who has dropped out of my life due to humor.  There are probably some who don't join though.  This is why I think it's self selecting.