Mom to Aly Posted September 23, 2008 Share Posted September 23, 2008 Well, my goddaughter, Dy, went to see her parole officer yesterday, he didn't lock her up, she went to her mom's house to do some work to make some money, was supposed to call me if she was going out. Instead, without calling me, her dad dropped her off with friends, and she never came home (her dad also bought her a new Virgin Mobile phone, with unlimited texts--she lost her last one--and wasn't going to tell me; her mom told me today). I was on the phone with her mom last night, and she was talking to her dad, he wasn't going to tell me, but her mom heard him. I said she HAD to call me, she did, said she was staying at a friend's house, I said no way, and she hung up on me, called her dad, said she was drunk and didn't want my dd to see her that way, and just wouldn't come home. She texted her mom a little while ago to come get her, then said never mind, she wants to come home later. Now, what I didn't expect is my dd--we talked about this before--I will not let my house be a stomping ground. I will give her two chances; after that, she is out (Dy doesn't know this). But if she doesn't come home tonight, that is it! But my dd sat up half the night saying she doesn't understand why she would do this, begging me not to ever make her leave, and crying and crying. I know I've been asking so much lately, but I'd love to know what you all think? THank you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G5052 Posted September 23, 2008 Share Posted September 23, 2008 Tell her explicitly that she has two chances, and no more. Did you tell her that up front? She's testing you, and you need to draw a clear boundary. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catherine Posted September 23, 2008 Share Posted September 23, 2008 First, I think you have to have a heart to heart with your daughter, and try to help her understand that Dy is making her own decisions, that you are not responsible for her choices. Can your daughter handle it if she has to watch you do "tough love"? I'd lay the groundwork for that in your conversation, and feel her out. If you think she'd take it too hard, or not be able to understand the need for your actions re: Dy, I'd strongly consider ending the arrangement right now. If you think your girl can handle it, then I would then spend some time along sorting out exactly how you are going to manage bad behavior. Three strikes, you're out? No tolerance? Too many cliches? (sorry!) But what I mean to say is that kids who challenge you in this way require a great deal of careful planning and forethought (ask me how I know...). You need to absolutely know what you'll put up with and what you won't. Finally, have a conversation with Dy, in private. Let her know that she won't get another chance (if that's what you've decided, and I hope it is). You appreciate that she is young and impulsive, but that if she wants to live (free!) at your house, she must carefully observe your house rules, and those include being trustworthy, in word and action, and being scrupulously honest, every. single. time. In my situation, we've had to give several pointed reminders of the rules, but we are lucky that the parent involved have basically abandoned the kid, so we don't have to deal with any unhelpful interference. Sadly, no one else cares about our extra kid enough to make our job harder. Maybe you can also clarify everyone's roles-her parents, to make sure they are not making it even harder for you to get this girl started in life. Hugs to all of you. It won't be easy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laylamcb Posted September 23, 2008 Share Posted September 23, 2008 Absolutely agree on the tough love! It's so hard, but it's so important. Yes, it's tough, but that's what makes it LOVE. :grouphug: If you didn't already make it clear to her that this behavior is unacceptable (and if you did, then you know what you have to do, regardless of how painful it will be), then do so now. Be crystal clear: If this happens again, she's out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted September 23, 2008 Share Posted September 23, 2008 Here are the conditions as you described them when she moved in .... <<<<<<I have always told Dy she has a home with us. But I did tell her, to live with us, she had to be clean. No drinking at all, especially since she is underage, and because of her being bi-polar. No drugs. None of those friends. She would have to get back on meds and see a therapist. Get a job when she was capable, until then help around the house. Be a part of this family and do things with us as a family, that means not letting Aly down, etc. She knew it coming in, and, so far, third day here, she has been amazing--fingers crossed! >>>>>>> She's violated those conditions. She has parents. She has friends. You are probably not the only person in her life who would be willing to help her IF she were to stay off alcohol and behave appropriately. You are someone with a young, vulnerable child who is already hurting over this. I say take a firm stand NOW. Accept your daughter being in pain now. Keep this girl in your life, but not in your home. Invite her for dinner several times a week. Help her get a job. Do what you can. But I wouldn't let stay living with you. She's not abiding by the law, so what makes you think she would abide by your rules? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mama Lynx Posted September 23, 2008 Share Posted September 23, 2008 PLEASE abide by the conditions you set for living with you, and take a hard line with this girl. Please. It is the best thing for her. Yes, it is. And you need to find a way to help your DD understand that. Please be strong enough to do this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted September 23, 2008 Share Posted September 23, 2008 You'll have to help Aly see that in order to "love" your goddaughter you have to be tough on her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom to Aly Posted September 23, 2008 Author Share Posted September 23, 2008 Well, my head is hanging low--she went out one night, and she did drink, I could tell from her voice (I do know her well), then lied--and I told her so. She didn't drink a lot, just enough so I could tell, and when I confronted her, she admitted it. I told her then that I would not kick her out, but that I wanted her to clean up (I realized once she was here, that she was worse off than I thought, and needed more help than I had realized). Her mom and I had talked; she has no other responsible adult to go to; she has gone through all of her birth mother's friends, and her mom won't let her in. She came here last because she doesn't want to disappoint me or my daughter, but she is so messed up, I think it is a given at this point. Her mom is surprised she made it this long. I'm willing to give her another chance, I promised my dd I'd do that, I just don't know how to handle if/when she messes up again. I'm actually afraid she won't come home tonight, and that will be it. I'm so scared for my dd--she doesn't need another hurt like this. I don't know how she'll take this one. Not with everything else. But you guys are right--I've been sitting her thinking one more time, or two, but one is it. This isn't something we can live with, isn't something I can put my dd through. I feel like an idiot--I really thought we had a chance :(. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cin Posted September 23, 2008 Share Posted September 23, 2008 I think that you should have a talk with Dy. Tell her that she has 1 more chance. PERIOD. If she screws up, she's out. Explain to her about your daughter reaction, and her influence on Aly. And tell her that you will NOT put Aly through that. Make it clear to her that is she pulls this again, she will find her bags on the front porch in the morning. Or whenever it is she returns. She has to make some choices. And if she wants to live with you, she is old enough to pull her weight. That would include NOT causing undue stress for others in the family. jmho Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen500 Posted September 23, 2008 Share Posted September 23, 2008 Here are the conditions as you described them when she moved in .... <<<<<<I have always told Dy she has a home with us. But I did tell her, to live with us, she had to be clean. No drinking at all, especially since she is underage, and because of her being bi-polar. No drugs. None of those friends. She would have to get back on meds and see a therapist. Get a job when she was capable, until then help around the house. Be a part of this family and do things with us as a family, that means not letting Aly down, etc. She knew it coming in, and, so far, third day here, she has been amazing--fingers crossed! >>>>>>> She's violated those conditions. She has parents. She has friends. You are probably not the only person in her life who would be willing to help her IF she were to stay off alcohol and behave appropriately. You are someone with a young, vulnerable child who is already hurting over this. I say take a firm stand NOW. Accept your daughter being in pain now. Keep this girl in your life, but not in your home. Invite her for dinner several times a week. Help her get a job. Do what you can. But I wouldn't let stay living with you. She's not abiding by the law, so what makes you think she would abide by your rules? :iagree: She is an adult with a lot of problems. She has been in trouble with the law. Drinking and drugs. (Perhaps you should question Dy further about that guy lurking around the house) You cannot make everything better for her-she has to do that for herself. You have Aly to take care of and protect. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in the Kootenays Posted September 23, 2008 Share Posted September 23, 2008 :iagree:She is an adult with a lot of problems. She has been in trouble with the law. Drinking and drugs. (Perhaps you should question Dy further about that guy lurking around the house) You cannot make everything better for her-she has to do that for herself. You have Aly to take care of and protect. :iagree: You need to take care of Aly and yourself. Perhaps you have enough on your plate without this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
8filltheheart Posted September 23, 2008 Share Posted September 23, 2008 As the mother of young children who suffer terribly from their brother's mental illness, I am being completely honest when I say there is no way I would subject them to this if he weren't our child. As it is, once he turns 18, if he violates any of the rules we have established, he is going to have to move out, family or not. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted September 23, 2008 Share Posted September 23, 2008 Aly's Mom, Don't feel badly that you had optimism based on love and hopeful wishes for Dy. It is a good thing that you've given her a chance. I would sit down with her or call or text her before tonight and let her know that this is her last chance. She needs to know the boundaries and they need to be iron-clad. I know that it is really tough for Aly but you need to make sure that she knows that the outcome depends on Dy's choices. You can't let her think that if she cries or begs hard enough that Dy can remain. What would then happen if this continues to unravel and then she is faced with the guilt of realizing that she can't handle having Dy there anymore? She needs to know that you will love Dy no matter what - and that she can continue to love her too. But that you cannot tolerate certain behavior because it is destructive to Dy and to the both of you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
newbie Posted September 23, 2008 Share Posted September 23, 2008 I agree w/all the other posters, you have to be tough on her, she is being tough on you. To add though, I would put her in AA, if that is already not part of her probation. And if you keep her, which it sounds like you are giving her a second chance, maybe you and dd need to look into Alanon, they will give you the tools, to deal w/these situations. I would make this a requirement to keep living in the house. If she does not agree, she has to live elsewhere. You have a huge heart, I totally can understand, but her problem, is hers that she needs to learn to take care of, and unfortunately she is young. Praying for you for strength and courage.:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom to Aly Posted September 23, 2008 Author Share Posted September 23, 2008 Thank you all, for your words of wisdom, and all your kindness. I am going to talk with Dy, and then with her and Aly. And AA is a good idea--I hadn't thought of that. She also has an app't with a counselor for Oct 8th--I'm going to see if we can move that up (although she told them she has been suicidal, which she told me she was before coming here--not in a manipulative way, in a spilling her guts way when she told me how bad the last couple of months were after her husband left and she's been staying all over, even on the streets at times). Right now, her mom is picking her up to bring her here, but 1st, they are stopping to GO OUT TO LUNCH!!! I really just can't stand it!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laylamcb Posted September 23, 2008 Share Posted September 23, 2008 Here are the conditions as you described them when she moved in .... <<<<<<I have always told Dy she has a home with us. But I did tell her, to live with us, she had to be clean. No drinking at all, especially since she is underage, and because of her being bi-polar. No drugs. None of those friends. She would have to get back on meds and see a therapist. Get a job when she was capable, until then help around the house. Be a part of this family and do things with us as a family, that means not letting Aly down, etc. She knew it coming in, and, so far, third day here, she has been amazing--fingers crossed! >>>>>>> She's violated those conditions. She has parents. She has friends. You are probably not the only person in her life who would be willing to help her IF she were to stay off alcohol and behave appropriately. You are someone with a young, vulnerable child who is already hurting over this. I say take a firm stand NOW. Accept your daughter being in pain now. Keep this girl in your life, but not in your home. Invite her for dinner several times a week. Help her get a job. Do what you can. But I wouldn't let stay living with you. She's not abiding by the law, so what makes you think she would abide by your rules? This is dead-on, great advice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted September 23, 2008 Share Posted September 23, 2008 I feel like an idiot--I really thought we had a chance :(. Oh Aly, you are such a good friend, and it's a testament to your loving spirit that you want so much for this to work. And your daughter will pick up on that. Even if it blows up in your face and there are some tears shed, remind your daughter that you have to try. You give people a chance. And then remind her that in the end, you don't let them destroy your sense of safety and security. Those are lessons we want to teach daughters, right? Let us know how it goes tonight. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melmac Posted September 23, 2008 Share Posted September 23, 2008 I agree, tough love is the only way to go on this one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted September 23, 2008 Share Posted September 23, 2008 Your goddaughter seems to care about Aly's good opinion. Maybe it's time for Aly to have a talk. Aly's hurt is real and I think goddaughter deserves to cop the full brunt of it right to her face, not diluted by coming via you. Being responsible to a kid is much harder than responsibility to an adult and is therefore more of a concience kicker. Sure, it will be hard for Aly, especially if goddaughter mucks it up again, but she's already feeling hurt. This is a trust issue between the two of them, after all. Aly shouldn't have her trust trodden on without a chance to voice her hurt and fear. I don't know if this is the right thing to do or not, but it was a view that no one else seems to have come out with so I thought I'd drop it here. Rosie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted September 23, 2008 Share Posted September 23, 2008 If she's an alcoholic or addict, one drink is too many. She violated the terms of your generosity. Lifting or blocking those consequences will not help or assist her. She's in this situation because of her choices. She *chose* to drink (and lie) instead of be sober and have integrity. The best thing you can do is to not allow her to continue the same behavior that got her to this point. Joanne, who *was* that girl Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Free Indeed Posted September 23, 2008 Share Posted September 23, 2008 Your goddaughter seems to care about Aly's good opinion. Maybe it's time for Aly to have a talk. Aly's hurt is real and I think goddaughter deserves to cop the full brunt of it right to her face, not diluted by coming via you. Being responsible to a kid is much harder than responsibility to an adult and is therefore more of a concience kicker. Sure, it will be hard for Aly, especially if goddaughter mucks it up again, but she's already feeling hurt. This is a trust issue between the two of them, after all. Aly shouldn't have her trust trodden on without a chance to voice her hurt and fear.I don't know if this is the right thing to do or not, but it was a view that no one else seems to have come out with so I thought I'd drop it here. Rosie :iagree: I was that girl as well except my mother was all for it as long as I did not interfere with her lifestyle. You need to be strict, but also understand this is a whole new way of life for her and change is hard. Dy has already mentioned Aly, she obviously cares what she thinks. I think a "family" meeting is in order. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yvonne Posted September 23, 2008 Share Posted September 23, 2008 Deleted by me.... tmi.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom to Aly Posted September 23, 2008 Author Share Posted September 23, 2008 Thank you all for your added responses, especially to you, Yvonne, for sharing; I am so, so sorry for your loss. Well, right now I am sitting here, still waiting for her, very angry, because, after her mom took her to lunch, she took her back to her house, to let her shower, gather some things, "relax" for a while, then her dad came home and took her to dinner, and now to visit someone the parents know, Dy doesn't, in the hospital!!!! I'm so angry with all of them!!! But it has given me a chance to clear my head and think, and you guys are right--I am going to talk to my dd, then we are going to have a family talk. I want Dy to face up to everything in front of Aly, and if she storms out, as I know she might do, that is the end, and so be it. I'm sure it is coming, anyway, so sooner might be better than later. If she is willing to try for a while, fine. I'll try until she breaks the next rule, but I will not let her take advantage of me, or, more than that, my daughter, again. Can you tell I'm angry? Or, really, more aware. Again, thank all of you, so much. I'm not as tough as I sound right now, I've cried a lot today, and I'm sure I have a lot more crying to do; I just don't want the crying to be over my daughter; that wouldn't be right. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EKS Posted September 24, 2008 Share Posted September 24, 2008 Since you asked what I think--here it is. Based on some of your other posts, it seems like you have a lot going on in your life right now. Dealing with someone else's difficult child seems to me to be too much, especially because the situation is upsetting your daughter. Good luck with this. It sounds like a difficult situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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