Help me with my sibling

[MEmama]

I will be in a position soon where I will have to see my sister for the first time in around 12 years. We have had no relationship as adults and the one we did have while growing up was, from my perspective, a very destructive one. She is not a person I respect or harbor any warm feelings toward. In short, I would like to avoid this situation but am unable to.

 

I am not a person who handles confrontation well, and she *will* confront me. She has been claiming (via my mom but never directly to me) that she would like a relationship with me, that she wishes we were close. I just can't even. She is cruel and selfish and manupalitive and not a person I want in my life. Yet, I will be held responsible for not responding positively or actively inviting her into my life.

 

This will go down during a week of celebrations. I really want the time to be positive and special, and I am struggling with how to handle this with grace.

 

I know a lot of you must have been in a similar situation. Any BTDT advice is much appreciated.

[AmandaVT]

Are you going to be in a situation where you guys are alone together? Or will you be in the same room/building where there are other people around? I'd probably come up with a few things to say to keep her at bay. 

 

"I understand you want to talk, but this is not the time or place - we are here celebrating xyz"

 

"I'm here for the celebration, not a rehash of our past. If you want to get in touch, feel free to e-mail me after this week"

 

"This is not the time to discuss our relationship sister, this is a celebration for xyz"

That kind of thing.

[BigMamaBird]

Are you going to be in a situation where you guys are alone together? Or will you be in the same room/building where there are other people around? I'd probably come up with a few things to say to keep her at bay. 

 

"I understand you want to talk, but this is not the time or place - we are here celebrating xyz"

 

"I'm here for the celebration, not a rehash of our past. If you want to get in touch, feel free to e-mail me after this week"

 

"This is not the time to discuss our relationship sister, this is a celebration for xyz"

That kind of thing.

 

I agree with AmandaVT's responses.  Maybe she's changed, maybe you could possible rebuild something.  But a celebratory gathering isn't the time or place to hash it out.

[OneStepAtATime]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

Will you have anyone with you that is aware of the situation?  Someone who could help you keep an eye on things and if it turns negative they can act as a buffer?  

 

Is she narcissistic?  

[barnwife]

A few details about why you are meeting could help me answer.

FWIW, I am estranged from one sister, due to the fact that she is abusive towards me. I had the chance to see her at Christmas. It would have required me to drive 3 hours and spend time in very close quarters with her. (That is, with no place to escape.)

I declined. 

First, she has not indicated a desire to reconcile. Second, I want such a meeting to happen at a time place that is less pressurized than the holidays. Third, I want there to be escape opportunities. 

In your situation, I would do my best to make sure I knew places I could get away to. I would be prepared to walk away at any moment, no matter how rude it may seem to others. 

I'd rehearse "this is not the time nor the place" and I'd plan on walking away as I said it.

I am so sorry. My stress level is going up thinking about being in this situation with my sister. I hope that you are able to enjoy the celebrations and hopefully take the first steps to a better relationship with your sibling.

[clementine]

I think I would go into it cautiously.  Act cordial, but kindly distant.  Kill her with a bit of detached kindness - like you would an aquaintance.  Let her do the initiating of whatever it is she'd like to confront.  

 

If she handles herself well, decide how you would like your relationship to progress.  If she handles herself poorly, you can smile, nod, and remove yourself.  

[MEmama]

Are you going to be in a situation where you guys are alone together? Or will you be in the same room/building where there are other people around? I'd probably come up with a few things to say to keep her at bay.

 

"I understand you want to talk, but this is not the time or place - we are here celebrating xyz"

 

"I'm here for the celebration, not a rehash of our past. If you want to get in touch, feel free to e-mail me after this week"

 

"This is not the time to discuss our relationship sister, this is a celebration for xyz"

That kind of thing.

These are excellent. I'll practice them over and over.:)

 

I'm not sure how much time we will be in the same place other than during a big party. During it, she will busy talking about herself and will ignore me so I'll be off the hook. I will be minimizing contact the rest of the visit but I'm not sure how successful I'll be.

[MEmama]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

Will you have anyone with you that is aware of the situation? Someone who could help you keep an eye on things and if it turns negative they can act as a buffer?

 

Is she narcissistic?

The rest of the family will see my reluctance to welcome her with open arms as childish and petty. She will paint me as the guilty party that she has no relationship with her only nephew, nevermind she has only made contact with him once (right after he was born) and then made the entire trip all about her, dismissing his off schedule crying as spoiled.

 

Poor DH will be sounding board when I need to vent, but the rest will firmly see her in the right.

[Katy]

I would try to forgive her for what she's done.  Not because she deserves it, but because you don't deserve to live with this much anxiety about family events.

 

I would just try to be gracious and kind when you see her and try to withhold judgment. A lot of people had poor, even borderline abusive relationships as children.  Maybe she grew up and got over it.  Maybe not.  You can be kind without being overly friendly or getting emotionally involved, and see if she's changed or not.

 

If she's narcissistic, there's no fixing that. 

[MEmama]

A few details about why you are meeting could help me answer.

 

FWIW, I am estranged from one sister, due to the fact that she is abusive towards me. I had the chance to see her at Christmas. It would have required me to drive 3 hours and spend time in very close quarters with her. (That is, with no place to escape.)

 

I declined.

 

First, she has not indicated a desire to reconcile. Second, I want such a meeting to happen at a time place that is less pressurized than the holidays. Third, I want there to be escape opportunities.

 

In your situation, I would do my best to make sure I knew places I could get away to. I would be prepared to walk away at any moment, no matter how rude it may seem to others.

 

I'd rehearse "this is not the time nor the place" and I'd plan on walking away as I said it.

 

I am so sorry. My stress level is going up thinking about being in this situation with my sister. I hope that you are able to enjoy the celebrations and hopefully take the first steps to a better relationship with your sibling.

Thanks. I honestly don't want a relationship, and to me there is nothing to reconcile. There has simply never been a relationship to build on, so it's not like I'm missing out on something that could have been.

 

I will take your advice to give myself escape routes and walk away if necessary.

[MEmama]

I think I would go into it cautiously. Act cordial, but kindly distant. Kill her with a bit of detached kindness - like you would an aquaintance. Let her do the initiating of whatever it is she'd like to confront.

 

If she handles herself well, decide how you would like your relationship to progress. If she handles herself poorly, you can smile, nod, and remove yourself.

This is good advice. Thank you.

[bolt.]

I think you just treat her as a new-ish aquaintence or a distant relation.

 

There's a difference between having a bad relationship (full of bad feelings) and just not having much relationship (warmish, but not very interested).

 

If you still resent her, and struggle with difficult feelings towards her -- you have a 'bad' relationship and will have to resolve some things if you have a desire for a good relationship.

 

If you have few feelings, and have no desire to be close to her, and have no particular expectations of her (met or unmet) you don't have to do anything. Talk to her like you are at a work Christmas party, or like you talk to your great aunts. She's just one of the many people on the planet that you aren't close to -- and that can be just fine -- if you let it be just fine.

 

If you really want to move from 'bad feelings' to 'few feelings' (instead of moving from 'bad feelings' to reconciliation) you can do that through journaling or supportive conversations if you have enough time. The main focus of this would be to firmly message yourself that, "Being born from the same people and raised in the same home doesn't automatically make grown women good friends for one another. We can be fine sisters without those imaginary expectations. Imaginary expectations come from movies. My life is real, and my sister is just fine on the outskirts of my life. There's no problem with that."

Edited January 28, 2016 by bolt.

[MEmama]

I think you just treat her as a new-ish aquaintence or a distant relation.

 

There's a difference between having a bad relationship (full of bad feelings) and just not having much relationship (warmish, but not very interested).

 

If you still resent her, and struggle with difficult feelings towards her -- you have a 'bad' relationship and will have to resolve some things if you have a desire for a good relationship.

 

If you have few feelings, and have no desire to be close to her, and have no particular expectations of her (met or unmet) you don't have to do anything. Talk to her like you are at a work Christmas party, or like you talk to your great aunts. She's just one of the many people on the planet that you aren't close to -- and that can be just fine -- if you let it be just fine.

 

If you really want to move from 'bad feelings' to 'few feelings' (instead of moving from 'bad feelings' to reconciliation) you can do that through journaling or supportive conversations if you have enough time. The main focus of this would be to firmly message yourself that, "Being born from the same people and raised in the same home doesn't automatically make grown women good friends for one another. We can be fine sisters without those imaginary expectations. Imaginary expectations come from movies. My life is real, and my sister is just fine on the outskirts of my life. There's no problem with that."

These are good words. Thank you.

[barnwife]

Thanks. I honestly don't want a relationship, and to me there is nothing to reconcile. There has simply never been a relationship to build on, so it's not like I'm missing out on something that could have been.

 

I will take your advice to give myself escape routes and walk away if necessary.

It's such a difficult place to be in. If you don't want a relationship, then I'd do as others have suggested and treat her cordially.

 

I wouldn't seek the sibling out. 

 

I'd just say hello if we happened to cross paths type of things and seek to move on as quickly as possible.

 

Other posters have said what I'm trying to get at more eloquently. I hope you are able to enjoy the celebrations.

[MEmama]

It's such a difficult place to be in. If you don't want a relationship, then I'd do as others have suggested and treat her cordially.

 

I wouldn't seek the sibling out.

 

I'd just say hello if we happened to cross paths type of things and seek to move on as quickly as possible.

 

Other posters have said what I'm trying to get at more eloquently. I hope you are able to enjoy the celebrations.

Thank you. This is such good advice. I hope I can rise to the occasion. :)

[SparklyUnicorn]

My advice is to just remain calm during that time and enjoy.  Don't worry about the long term future.  She may be tolerable to your surprise.  I have BTDT.  Take this one day at a time and, again, just don't think about long term.  You can deal with that later.  You probably can remain civil during that period of time. 

 

 

Edited January 28, 2016 by SparklyUnicorn

[OneStepAtATime]

Smile and nod a lot.  Don't engage in any depth.  Too much water under the bridge it seems for any in depth engagement at a larger gathering to work well.  Pleasantries, surface conversation, etc.  If she tries to make it seem that you have kept her from her nephew, do not engage.  You can't win that.  If she says something that upsets you, don't react.  If she is narcissistic she will be adept at turning it around to seem that it was you upsetting her.  Maybe deflect, as others have mentioned, with a catch phrase like "Now really isn't a good time to deal with this but maybe we can talk later."  Don't say anything negative to or about her.  

 

Can you hold a mantra in your head that you can silently recite?  When I was going through an incredibly difficult period in my life I started saying "I am part of the solution, not part of the problem" over and over in my head, drowning out whatever was being said around me until I could focus again and not get emotional.  Maybe you could find something like that?  Practice ahead of time.  Keep chanting your silent mantra if you start to get stressed (maybe "I am strong. I will not engage."?).  

 

Could your spouse and you come up with a code word or phrase if you need an excuse to leave or at least take a break?  Maybe you could come up with a plan for various scenarios where he is the one that pulls you away based on that code word so it doesn't look like you are the one trying to avoid contact?

 

And who knows?  Maybe she really has changed and will be pleasant to be around, even if you still aren't interested in pursuing a relationship.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:   Good luck.

[livetoread]

I hear you. I have a sibling who has a long history of acting similarly. Unfortunately for my mental health, she also has a long history of being just fine, especially as she got older, so I kept getting sucked back in thinking she has finally changed. Sadly, I think she has changed (we are now in our fifties) over the years and if we had met now, we would probably get along okay. Not great, but okay. We didn't though - we have a long, ugly history that makes me extremely skittish around her. I have no desire for any relationship with her, but I still feel guilty about that when I see that she probably has changed quite a bit. The problem is, I still don't trust it, because I know that while her good periods are longer and more solid, and her bad periods are fewer and less intense, the bad periods will still reappear and any whiff of that kind of stuff and I'm out of there. I'm always waiting for the shoe to drop, even if I'm waiting awhile. It's coming! Her being pleasant is better than her being mean, but after years of back and forth, her pleasantness doesn't do much for me. It's not contrived pleasantness either - like I said, she has changed in many positive ways - but I still don't trust that it will last long enough for me not to go into a tailspin when the old behavior peeks through. 

 

My family pressured me for years to forgive, etc., but they no longer do. It's hard to not see yourself through their eyes, especially when she is better. When I feel guilty about shutting her out, I have to remind myself that there are plenty of other people she can have in her life. I'm not the only option. I am not healthy for her because I react to her like she is still how she used to be, and she's not healthy for me because she makes me nuts.

[lllll]

nm

Edited January 31, 2016 by - 8 95

[Farrar]

i was estranged from my brother for a time.

 

I totally agree with what Amanda suggested saying above. Those are good lines.

 

Also though, if you really haven't had any contact with her for 12 years, I wouldn't assume you know her any more. Maybe she's still manipulative and horrible. Maybe not. And maybe you don't want to have a relationship with her because of the hurt of the past, which is totally understandable. But I'd focus on letting go of your anger toward her if you feel it's something you're still carrying. Definitely don't carry it in front her, if you know what I mean. If she is still manipulative and cruel, then she'll use it against you. If she's not, then it just comes off as petty. You can't win by being "in the right" when you're thinking about things from decades ago. You have to be the bigger person and be polite. And, then, if you don't want to have further contact, just decline her clearly and unemotionally.

Edited January 28, 2016 by Farrar

[MEmama]

My advice is to just remain calm during that time and enjoy. Don't worry about the long term future. She may be tolerable to your surprise. I have BTDT. Take this one day at a time and, again, just don't think about long term. You can deal with that later. You probably can remain civil during that period of time.

Thanks. I do have a tendency to think about all potential conversations with my relatives ahead of time and how I might react. It's unhealthy for sure and causes me all kinds of inner stress. One day at a time is excellent advice.

[gardenmom5]

I will be in a position soon where I will have to see my sister for the first time in around 12 years. We have had no relationship as adults and the one we did have while growing up was, from my perspective, a very destructive one. She is not a person I respect or harbor any warm feelings toward. In short, I would like to avoid this situation but am unable to.

 

I am not a person who handles confrontation well, and she *will* confront me. She has been claiming (via my mom but never directly to me) that she would like a relationship with me, that she wishes we were close. I just can't even. She is cruel and selfish and manupalitive and not a person I want in my life. Yet, I will be held responsible for not responding positively or actively inviting her into my life.

 

This will go down during a week of celebrations. I really want the time to be positive and special, and I am struggling with how to handle this with grace.

 

I know a lot of you must have been in a similar situation. Any BTDT advice is much appreciated.

 

I'm confused.  you havent's seen her in 12 years - but you say she still has all these horrible personality traits.  how do you know she hasn't changed? or that that was how she was in the first place.

 

I was in a similiar situation - and only when I stepped back - was I able to see, most of the friction in the relationship between my sister and myself was coming from my grandmother.  literally, almost all of it, becasue of her own shenannigans.  my mother's choices also contributed to the difficult relationship.  (we have  civil relationship now - but we have very different priorities.)

 

as for your concern over a confrontation and that you will be held responsible for the outcome - I think you are caring too much what other people think.  if she confronts you - simply repeat you are here for a family celebration and this is an inappropriate venue for this discussion.  end of. rinse. repeat. walk away.

[MEmama]

Smile and nod a lot. Don't engage in any depth. Too much water under the bridge it seems for any in depth engagement at a larger gathering to work well. Pleasantries, surface conversation, etc. If she tries to make it seem that you have kept her from her nephew, do not engage. You can't win that. If she says something that upsets you, don't react. If she is narcissistic she will be adept at turning it around to seem that it was you upsetting her. Maybe deflect, as others have mentioned, with a catch phrase like "Now really isn't a good time to deal with this but maybe we can talk later." Don't say anything negative to or about her.

 

Can you hold a mantra in your head that you can silently recite? When I was going through an incredibly difficult period in my life I started saying "I am part of the solution, not part of the problem" over and over in my head, drowning out whatever was being said around me until I could focus again and not get emotional. Maybe you could find something like that? Practice ahead of time. Keep chanting your silent mantra if you start to get stressed (maybe "I am strong. I will not engage."?).

 

Could your spouse and you come up with a code word or phrase if you need an excuse to leave or at least take a break? Maybe you could come up with a plan for various scenarios where he is the one that pulls you away based on that code word so it doesn't look like you are the one trying to avoid contact?

 

And who knows? Maybe she really has changed and will be pleasant to be around, even if you still aren't interested in pursuing a relationship.

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Good luck.

I really like these ideas. I will definitely practice calming words. Thank you.

[MEmama]

I'm confused. you havent's seen her in 12 years - but you say she still has all these horrible personality traits. how do you know she hasn't changed? or that that was how she was in the first place.

 

I was in a similiar situation - and only when I stepped back - was I able to see, most of the friction in the relationship between my sister and myself was coming from my grandmother. literally, almost all of it, becasue of her own shenannigans. my mother's choices also contributed to the difficult relationship. (we have civil relationship now - but we have very different priorities.)

 

as for your concern over a confrontation and that you will be held responsible for the outcome - I think you are caring too much what other people think. if she confronts you - simply repeat you are here for a family celebration and this is an inappropriate venue for this discussion. end of. rinse. repeat. walk away.

You are right, it is possible she has changed. However, I am regularly subjected to various emails of hers via other people, and she still strikes me as very much the same selfish person she has always been. She has recently committed actions of questionable morals and deceit on a huge scale, and yeah, I really can't respect that. I'd like to give the whole thing the benefit of the doubt, but I'm not seeing any positive changes or reasons for me to want to build a relationship. This is mostly about surviving the situation; it's likely to be many more years before we see each other again.

 

Eta word choice for privacy

Edited January 29, 2016 by MEmama

[MEmama]

i was estranged from my brother for a time.

 

I totally agree with what Amanda suggested saying above. Those are good lines.

 

Also though, if you really haven't had any contact with her for 12 years, I wouldn't assume you know her any more. Maybe she's still manipulative and horrible. Maybe not. And maybe you don't want to have a relationship with her because of the hurt of the past, which is totally understandable. But I'd focus on letting go of your anger toward her if you feel it's something you're still carrying. Definitely don't carry it in front her, if you know what I mean. If she is still manipulative and cruel, then she'll use it against you. If she's not, then it just comes off as petty. You can't win by being "in the right" when you're thinking about things from decades ago. You have to be the bigger person and be polite. And, then, if you don't want to have further contact, just decline her clearly and unemotionally.

Thank you. I am definitely working on letting go of the past. It's a lot of baggage to carry around for sure.

 

I really appreciate all the good, strong words being shared here. I'm taking every one to heart.

[Anne in CA]

I'm jaded enough to think that if the OP's sister in is trouble for fraud she may be looking for a support network. It is possible that now that she is looking at consequences for her actions she may be thinking that she would like her family to be there for her financially, emotionally, ect while she is under pressure. Um, those are privileges of relationships that go on for years that are mutual. Now that she is in trouble she may be looking for help.

[MEmama]

I'm jaded enough to think that if the OP's sister in is trouble for fraud she may be looking for a support network. It is possible that now that she is looking at consequences for her actions she may be thinking that she would like her family to be there for her financially, emotionally, ect while she is under pressure. Um, those are privileges of relationships that go on for years that are mutual. Now that she is in trouble she may be looking for help.

Well, no. She isn't in trouble and honestly doesn't believe herself in the wrong. Though I appreciate the sentiment and you are right, this scenario would be in line were that the case.

 

I only alluded to that situation (which maybe I should delete) because it is so illustrative of her selfishness. And if I could go into details it really does illustrate what totally and completely different world views we have.

[Alicia64]

Have you Googled Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

 

Based on what you've said, it sounds like she has it. These people -- tragically -- don't change.

 

I'm not proud, but I had the best weekend w/ my sister when I was taking a medicine for my bronchitis that had codeine in it. I got along with everyone really well that weekend. :lol:

 

But, seriously, I would keep expectations really low so you're not disappointed.

 

Alley