S/O: Imposter Syndrome (s/o: good at anything? hard work vs. talent)

[Another Lynn]

I'm just pondering feelings possibly referred to as imposter syndrome, where you constantly feel like you're not as good as you should be or as others are at something, and what causes it.  Perfectionism?  An example of work-a-holism?  Too much praise? 

 

If you have felt this way, did it keep you from going for something you later wished you had?

 

And, what do you think caused the imposter feelings?

 

Do you deliberately try to avoid the same pitfalls as you parent your own children?

 

By doing so, do you think you've possibly created other problems or issues in your kids related to work and accomplishments?

[Critterfixer]

I don't know if it fits into the definition of "impostor syndrome" but both my eldest son and myself HATE to be praised. We like praise when it is directed only at the result, but any personal praise directed toward him makes him squirm, and I squirm inwardly when someone flatters me--because that is what it feels like, even if the person is truly sincere. 

I don't know if anything caused this sensation of believing that all praise is false flattery. Both my son and I are very introverted, and we don't like being singled out. I do think my own resistance to praise causes me to praise the product of the talent and/or hard work rather than the person. 

[Farrar]

For me, it's very weird. It undermines me in multiple directions.

 

On the one hand, I can be extremely self-assured and know exactly what I want and think. And I genuinely like to be challenged and to have discussions where different views are held. I think I hold my own at that pretty well. And I often know that I come off to people as really sure of myself. I also have very little patience for the first steps, which are often too easy to me when I'm learning something.

 

But then at the other end, when people praise me for things that came easy to me, I feel awkward and uncomfortable about it. Like, people praised me a lot for speaking at my father's funeral recently. It must have been so hard, it must have been so difficult to figure out what to say, etc. etc. Well... I definitely felt like an impostor. It was easy. I mean, easy is the wrong word - it was very emotionally draining and hard because of the context - but a lot of people were praising all the effort of public speaking and writing and both of those elements were super easy. I didn't spend a huge amount of time writing out what I wanted to say. I didn't find it horribly nerve wracking to get up there or anything. I was sad and I wanted my words to be received well, but I wasn't freaking out or anything. I think writing and public speaking are pretty easy. So it felt so weird getting all this praise for it. I felt like a total impostor. And I felt more and more uncomfortable hearing it. At one point, I fled the receiving line and hid in the bathroom.

 

The worst part too is that when I'm good at something, especially if it's something I think ought to be easy for everyone - even if I know it isn't easy for everyone - I feel very uncomfortable taking money for it. I suck at asking for money for anything I do. I feel like I don't deserve it or deserve to be paid.

 

And then there's also the element where I'll start things and not finish them because of that sense that anything I'm doing can't really be worth it. Ugh.

 

I don't know what can prevent this really. I do think about it for my kids, but I keep feeling so much of it is personality. I'm not totally sure how you fill someone up with the sense that they really do deserve what they get.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I guess for me it boils down to not thinking I'm all that.  A lot of people think they are much better at stuff than they are.  You know the person who says they speak another language because they took two years of it in high school (and yet we know they probably can't speak more than a few words). 

 

 

[Critterfixer]

 

I don't know what can prevent this really. I do think about it for my kids, but I keep feeling so much of it is personality. I'm not totally sure how you fill someone up with the sense that they really do deserve what they get.

 

I could agree with everything you wrote, Farrar, including the inability to charge appropriately. But I'm not sure that it is so much that I don't feel that I deserve to be paid. I've got to eat and buy books after all! But it is more that I don't feel that there is a connection between what I do and payment. Money really doesn't seem like anything that could come close to compensation for work. It's totally irrelevant for that purpose.

 

ETA: I don't think I'll be shocked if most of the "impostors" turn out to be INTJ's or INFJ's. 

Edited December 29, 2015 by Critterfixer

[Farrar]

I could agree with everything you wrote, Farrar, including the inability to charge appropriately. But I'm not sure that it is so much that I don't feel that I deserve to be paid. I've got to eat and buy books after all! But it is more that I don't feel that there is a connection between what I do and payment. Money really doesn't seem like anything that could come close to compensation for work. It's totally irrelevant for that purpose.

 

ETA: I don't think I'll be shocked if most of the "impostors" turn out to be INTJ's or INFJ's. 

 

I'm an INFJ... usually. Sometimes I'm an INTJ or INFP... depends on the test. That is interesting.

[Critterfixer]

The best praise I ever got came from a piano teacher. She simply told me that what I had played that day was beautiful. I'm no great shakes at playing, and practicing was never my favorite thing. But I did pour a lot of myself into what I played that day--really got into it--and that the product was recognized as being beautiful was a wonderful thing for me. She didn't spoil it by saying that the outcome was the result of talent on my part (clearly not!) or a product of my practicing (it wasn't--totally botched the piece for the recital!) just that it was beautiful.

To this day, I feel "praised" by the outcome, not by anything that is attached to that outcome. I'm happy if the result reflects my work, I guess. Not when I'm personally praised or compensated in a monetary way.

[Carol in Cal.]

In another thread someone attributed part of the imposter syndrome to perfectionism.  I found that profound and possible, which is interesting, because I always attributed it entirely to being female in male professions in which I had to really put myself out there to even participate.

[Guest]

 

ETA: I don't think I'll be shocked if most of the "impostors" turn out to be INTJ's or INFJ's. 

 

I would! One dominant aspect of being INFJ is trusting that you're correct about things, even if you're not certain how you know it is correct.

 

If you know you're right, you're not going to feel like an impostor.

[Critterfixer]

 

If you know you're right, you're not going to feel like an impostor.

 

Oh, I don't feel like an impostor for being correct. It's the praise for being correct that is doesn't seem right in some way. It's like being praised when what you did was simply what was right for the situation, nothing big. If the outcome is correct, then problem was answered appropriately, and having anything more than the satisfaction of having made the right call feels inappropriate somehow.

[regentrude]

High standards + perfectionism + personality makeup? IME, it has absolutely nothing to do with praise - or with personality type.

Impostor syndrome runs epidemic in our family. My ISTJ mother suffers from it as well as my ESFJ self and my ENFJ DD.

My mother, who was a very successful singer and voice professor at conservatory, was glad to finally retire "without having been found out".

And I could never understand why my advisors praised my thesis and postdoctoral work; I thought it was nothing special and I was just average.

 

It has taken me decades to accept that I am actually pretty darn good at what I am doing, and that things I succeeded at and which I did not find noteworthy would, in fact, be considered fairly big accomplishments by most people. (For example, I find absolutely nothing remarkable about having a PhD in theoretical physics; most of my friends have them.)

 

OTOH, high standards and perfectionism do not explain everything. It has to be combined with a certain personality makeup. My DH has extremely high standards for himself and is a perfectionist, too; he is vastly more successful than I am and rests secure in the knowledge that he is really good. He is not plagued by self doubts about it.

 

More women suffer from Impostor syndrome than men. I consider it very likely that this is due to cultural conditioning that does not encourage women to be proud of their own achievements.

Edited December 29, 2015 by regentrude

[Critterfixer]

 

It has taken me decades to accept that I am actually pretty darn good at what I am doing, and that things I succeeded at and which I did not find noteworthy would, in fact, be considered fairly big accomplishments by most people. (For example, I find absolutely nothing remarkable about having a PhD in theoretical physics; most of my friends have them.)

 

What do you think helped the most in becoming comfortable accepting praise? If there is one way to run me off, to make me distrust a person strongly, it is hearing them praise me to my face. I'm a little better accepting the praise through a second party, but direct praise really, REALLY bothers me.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I think I have imposter syndrome.  It has nothing to do with praise as such, for me.  It has to do with faking it very very well.  I test well.  I know enough of a lot of things to be dangerous.  I am often afraid that people will be disappointed when they discover that I really do not have comprehensive knowledge of things.  I'm afraid that they will go "Aha!  An imposter!"

 

For example, I can play music well enough that it took my piano teacher months in college to realize that I wasn't reading a note.  I was playing along and all of a sudden he stopped me and asked me to point to where I was playing on the music.  The wind had blown the page over and I hadn't even noticed!  He was also my music theory teacher and he told me that he now knew why I was struggling in theory. 

 

Another example:  I speak Japanese fluently.  At one time I spoke it well enough for someone to assume that I was Japanese if they spoke to me on the phone. (They may or may not do that now - my accent is still good but I've lost fluency due to not speaking it for years at a time now.)  Anyway. . . .  even back when I was immersed in the language I was afraid that I would be overstating my ability because I have never formally learned Japanese.  I have gaps in my understanding because of it, just like our kids might have some gaps in their education.  ;)  Those gaps are what made me worry about being labeled an imposter. 

 

ETA a comma.

Edited December 29, 2015 by Jean in Newcastle

[regentrude]

What do you think helped the most in becoming comfortable accepting praise? If there is one way to run me off, to make me distrust a person strongly, it is hearing them praise me to my face. I'm a little better accepting the praise through a second party, but direct praise really, REALLY bothers me.

 

I was going to say hearing my performance judged repeatedly by very different people in very different capacities, but I guess that is not really true. Being appreciated by my students and colleagues certainly helps, but being appreciated by my advisors and instructors before did not help, so I don't think I can pinpoint this as an external cause.

 

I think I am able to have a more realistic view of my abilities simply because I have become more mature and more content with myself as a person. It is all internal: feeling at peace with myself and my place in the world. To get there took a lot of introspection and - for lack of a better word - spiritual work, and just a lot of... living I guess.

Of course, seeing repeatedly that I am able to meet any goal I set myself reinforces this feeling of accomplishment.

 

How is that for a fuzzy answer? I'll have to think about this a bit more.

Edited December 29, 2015 by regentrude

[Mrs. A]

I guess for me it boils down to not thinking I'm all that.  A lot of people think they are much better at stuff than they are.  You know the person who says they speak another language because they took two years of it in high school (and yet we know they probably can't speak more than a few words).

 

 

Funny that you say this. I always have this sneaking suspicion that everyone around me knows way more than I do on whatever happens to be the topic of discussion and I'm continually surprised when I discover that I sometimes know more than they do!

 

My mom is constantly praising me for things that are easy for me and it makes me very uncomfortable. I wonder if it has to do with the fact that I am always looking ahead at how I can improve and I am very conscious of those who are better at it than me. So, yes, perfectionism. :D

 

Fwiw I'm an INFJ.

[Carol in Cal.]

See, what I have observed in business is that women engineers are very capable but they also have some luck like everyone else, but male engineers take the luck as their due and part of the package but women put themselves down for it.  That's been the imposter syndrome with which I am most intimately familiar.

[Another Lynn]

I'm enjoying and identifying with all the replies!  Thank you!

 

I feel like perfectionism and lots of praise in my youth are partly my downfall.  I'm thinking of the kind of praise for things that seemed like no big deal - i.e. when the youth choir sang at church (I showed up every week; I sang my part; big deal.)  But I feel like I got that kind of praise a lot.  Or maybe as an introvert, that kind of attention seemed like a big deal, when the people giving it thought they were just being polite and encouraging.

 

I do feel like it kept me from pursuing things I might have.  I was minoring in piano in college and dropped it one semester shy of finishing.  For that matter, I sometimes think I should have majored in it.  But I was scared of the amount of work it would take and I didn't think I had it in me.  I got nervous for performances, but I also really liked performing.  After playing beautifully I would always kind of think "whew! got away with it again!"  Maybe that was the perfectionism causing self-doubt. 

 

In parenting, I have deliberately tried not to over-praise, and I think I tend to view my kids' accomplishments as something expected rather than something to rave over.  I wonder now if I have not encouraged or supported as much as I should. 

[Dmmetler]

See, what I have observed in business is that women engineers are very capable but they also have some luck like everyone else, but male engineers take the luck as their due and part of the package but women put themselves down for it. That's been the imposter syndrome with which I am most intimately familiar.

That's what I see in DD vs the guys in the pre-bac program. (DD is currently the only girl-the prior girl is now officially a college student)-DD tends to assume that it's just luck and coincidence that she's there as opposed to someone else. The guys tend to assume they're there because they're really, really good. DD also assumes that a lot of her honors are "building up the cute kid" or "because I'm a girl", not that they're actually earned. And, unfortunately, there is just enough truth in that to support her assertion-which in turn feeds her devalueing what she does.

[Carol in Cal.]

That's what I see in DD vs the guys in the pre-bac program. (DD is currently the only girl-the prior girl is now officially a college student)-DD tends to assume that it's just luck and coincidence that she's there as opposed to someone else. The guys tend to assume they're there because they're really, really good. DD also assumes that a lot of her honors are "building up the cute kid" or "because I'm a girl", not that they're actually earned. And, unfortunately, there is just enough truth in that to support her assertion-which in turn feeds her devalueing what she does.

It was really interesting (as in 'a breakthrough' type interesting) to ask myself what a guy would think of an award I got that I wasn't sure I deserved.  The fact was, what a guy would think was, "I'm even better than I thought!" and he would put it on his resume.  Whereas my inclination was to say, "I didn't really deserve this; it was awfully nice though." which is about as ineffective as going to sleep on the job.

[Bluegoat]

I feel this way all the time.  As if I am coming off as competant when erally I am faking it.

 

A significant part is that even in things that I have some natural ability in, I tend to underachieve as far as the work that needs to be put in to become really good at it.  I almost always sabotaged myself with these things as a young person.  But this may be in part because I already felt like an imposter.  I also have a constant fear of having missed something important that would change everything, and looking like an idiot as a result.

 

I'm an INTP for what its worth.

[Arcadia]

In another thread someone attributed part of the imposter syndrome to perfectionism.  I found that profound and possible, which is interesting, because I always attributed it entirely to being female in male professions in which I had to really put myself out there to even participate.

 

 

It was really interesting (as in 'a breakthrough' type interesting) to ask myself what a guy would think of an award I got that I wasn't sure I deserved.  The fact was, what a guy would think was, "I'm even better than I thought!" and he would put it on his resume.  Whereas my inclination was to say, "I didn't really deserve this; it was awfully nice though." which is about as ineffective as going to sleep on the job.

 

Perfectionism drives me to being a workaholic.  I think more like a guy, I deserve all my performance bonuses :lol:  If I get the work done, I deserve the bonus that comes from project completion even if it requires less effort from me than from my fellow male engineer.  The way I see it is that my bosses are not paying me for my talent, they are paying me for what I get done that boost the department's bottom line/cash flow.

 

I do think that being born in a family of engineers (both male and female) who are small business owners of manufacturing plants helped.  It is like a legacy thing. No one questions the abilities of my aunts, lady cousins, nieces or me.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Ds is  both gifted and ADD.  I probably am too.  It helps contribute to the Jack of All Trades, Master of None thing we have going on.  I think it is the Master of None part that makes me feel an imposter. 

[Carol in Cal.]

But to a perfectionist 'master' is insanely high.

I mean, not even an Olympic silver medal would count.

[Critterfixer]

There are things I simply will not do because I know, deep down, that I couldn't even begin to approach competence, let alone mastery.

Chess is one of them. DH thinks I should try, and that I would be good at it. I'm pretty sure he's wrong about that. :laugh:

 

ETA: Because I never said, but I score INTJ, with the T almost balanced equally with F. Almost.

Edited December 29, 2015 by Critterfixer

[Critterfixer]

Perfectionism and competition for grades were always something that I struggled with as a young person. I wasn't pushed to do either of those things, though. They were just part of my makeup, I guess.

Edited December 29, 2015 by Critterfixer

[Mrs. A]

I also have a constant fear of having missed something important that would change everything, and looking like an idiot as a result.

.

Yes! That's the number one reason that I almost never raised my hand to answer in school. I didn't feel this way until we moved to a new state and I entered 7th grade halfway through the year. It was clear that I'd missed some things and I never got over the feeling of being behind.

 

When I tell people that I took calculus in high school I always make sure to let them know that I didn't really belong there. I almost failed and the only reason I passed was because I opted to take the AP test rather than the end of year final. I still don't know how I ever ended up there!

Edited December 29, 2015 by Mrs. A

[Critterfixer]

So far, the biggest think I am seeing as a common denominator is an intense drive to be, if not a master of the material, to achieve a high level of dominance before asserting any kind of authority of subject material. Is it possible that the unwillingness to accept praise sets off an intense reaction of self-condemnation? Even if it isn't recognized formally as such? 

Mine is always a visceral reaction: I literally squirm inside. I get hot, almost shivery, and want nothing more than to escape, and if I can't escape, I will try to deflect in any way that I can. I will usually try to heap the praise on someone else if I can do it.

[Sarah0000]

Some of the issues described here sound more like low self esteem than perfectionism.

 

I also don't appreciate praise much, but not because I think I don't deserve it, but because its uninteresting to talk about. I'd much rather discuss the methods, reasoning, possible alternatives behind the accomplishment. I guess I often feel like praise is a social nicety.

 

Sometimes, though, praise does feel like sincere amazement, and that irritates me a little because....well I guess because I don't want others to expect more from me than they'd expect from anyone else especially for anything I'm doing to earn money.

[Critterfixer]

 

 

Some of the issues described here sound more like low self esteem than perfectionism. 

I'm perfectly happy to praise myself. I can pat myself on the back all I like and enjoy it thoroughly. I just don't want anyone else doing it.

[Sarah0000]

Could someone please link to a website or something explaining all the INTJ and other acronyms? Is there a free online test?

[Mrs. A]

No self esteem issues here. I've actually always had trouble understanding people with low self esteem. Totally incomprehensible to me. :D

[Critterfixer]

 

Could someone please link to a website or something explaining all the INTJ and other acronyms? Is there a free online test? 

 

 

I would if I was competent at linking.

It's Myers-Briggs personality testing. Jungian, isn't it?

INTJ is introverted, intuitive, thinking, judging. Sort of.  The F stands for feeling, E is extroverted, S is sensing, I think? P is perceiving. 

There seem to be quite a few free online tests. I like the one on 16personalities.com, but I'm sure someone here has a better free one to link to.

 

Anyway, it was a thought on my part--it may not hold up. I do think that as regentrude suggests, the "impostor" syndrome could have multiple factors, and not just be personality alone. I do think personality plays a role, but it's may not even be more than just an interesting aside, or just factor into a predisposition for perfectionism.

[Carol in Cal.]

Some of the issues described here sound more like low self esteem than perfectionism.

 

 

I don't think it's that.

 

I think it's the deep seated criticism of 'bossy' girls at a very young age, that sort of imprints women with the idea that being a leader is problematic.  And it's also the slap down of bragging, not that people should brag, but girls get criticized for it earlier and more harshly than boys as a rule.  Those start so early that they are deeply rooted and hard to pull out.

 

I consider myself very fortunate that I figured out early on that dumbing myself down was counterproductive, so I never threw a test in school or failed to try to excel, but it took me a long time to get past the other stuff.  It's interesting.  Thankfully I mostly got past it by outworking people to the point where I earned accolades, instead of by giving up; but I have no doubt that had I also tooted my own horn better I would have gotten bigger raises, for instance.

[Jean in Newcastle]

For me, I think it's partly from not having learned how to admit mistakes without slinking back into my corner and feeling like a failure. I've gotten a bit better with age at the "oops!  I messed that one up" thing but it is embarrassing when the mistake is in something you are supposed to be good at. 

[Critterfixer]

So to recap so far:

Perfectionism seems to be a common denominator.

Personality-maybe, in that some personalities are predisposed to set high standards for themselves and others, and have a tendency to analyze more than is good, and might be overly judgmental of themselves and/or others

Cultural pressures--girls over-represented? (I know at least one man who struggles more than I do with the problem) Girls shouldn't brag about themselves, girls can't be leaders, girls get special treatment (this burns me up dmmetler about your exceptionally talented daughter feeling that she doesn't belong!)

 

I might add one thing to the last part of cultural pressures. Does anyone who has struggled with feeling unhappy about praise ever had the sense that accepting praise from anyone other than yourself amounted to giving another person power over you? That if you accepted it once, you might lose the ability to evaluate yourself to your own personal standard? Or does that make sense?

 

 

[regentrude]

So far, the biggest think I am seeing as a common denominator is an intense drive to be, if not a master of the material, to achieve a high level of dominance before asserting any kind of authority of subject material. Is it possible that the unwillingness to accept praise sets off an intense reaction of self-condemnation? Even if it isn't recognized formally as such? 

Mine is always a visceral reaction: I literally squirm inside. I get hot, almost shivery, and want nothing more than to escape, and if I can't escape, I will try to deflect in any way that I can. I will usually try to heap the praise on someone else if I can do it.

 

For me, it is not unwillingness to accept praise, or that praise makes me uncomfortable.

It is more a feeling of "what's the big deal? If I can do it, anybody can, right?"

 

Throughout high school, I succeeded at everything without effort. So I did not consider finishing a college prep high school a big deal. It's something one just... does. Every single one of my friends managed. OK, I was top of my class, but not that much different from my friends.

In college, I had to work hard, and my first semester was rough, but after that I ended up doing extremely well. So, I did not consider finishing college a big deal either. After all, every single one of my friends managed. And I married my most brilliant classmate who is a much more gifted physicist than I am - so it is obvious that I am not that special.

Grad school? Really, nothing to write home about; anybody who applies himself can do it. Most of my friends have a PhD.

 

So, the red thread was always being surrounded by people who did well. If all of your friends have graduate degrees, that's a normal thing and no special accomplishment. If your DH is genius level smart, it's hard to feel proud about being just normal smart, YKWIM?

 

And then, there is the very closely related feeling: "If I am not good at something, it's because I have not worked hard enough at it". Which has been true for everything I have attempted so far.

I know that my level of vocal performance is currently limited by a lack of effort and practice time on my part. I did a very difficult solo performance in the spring and had to work hard in the weeks leading up to it, but I could pull it off and I learned, once again, that it is only my own laziness that keeps me from excelling. I have not hit the ceiling that is set by innate talent.

I make great progress at my French when I put in time and work because I have a gift for languages; so, my French is bad not for inherent lack of talent, but because I am slacking and messing around on the Internet when I could be reading French books.

I would be a much better rock climber if I climbed more; I know that I get better when I get more time on task. My poetry would be better if I wrote more. I could master complex culinary techniques if I just gave it a try. And there are plenty more examples where I have not maxed out my innate talent, but simply have not put forth enough effort to achieve the level of mastery that would alleviate the impostor syndrome for me.

So, I go through life knowing that I can do really really well in many different areas if I apply myself. Consequently, anything less is a direct consequence of me choosing not to put the effort in. That's a lot of pressure. OTOH, it is also good because it does not permit me to place blame on anybody but myself.

 

I feel this is all directly related to the impostor syndrome issues.

Edited December 29, 2015 by regentrude

[Sarah0000]

I can't quote right now.

 

What Regentrude just said is exactly how I view things, but I still don't feel like I have imposter syndrome. I don't do something to my maximum potential because I didn't put in the work...so? That's fine by me. There's only so much time and energy one can expend on things.

 

I wonder if this has to do with feeling pressure to succeed, especially from other people. I never felt a huge amount of pressure from family or society. Eh, it was probably there but I was too self absorbed to feel it. Boy do I feel the pressure from myself though!

[regentrude]

That's exactly why I never thought I would become a teacher. I was asked to tutor French horn after high school and I could not understand what their problem was. I taught myself over the summer, why can't they just keep working at it and figure it out for themselves?! I didn't have any patience for people not trying their best all the time.

 

Yep. I am a college professor. It is very hard for me to have patience with, and sympathy for, people who are not applying themselves.

 

ETA: Slight tangent: neither has anybody in our family. Which, we believe, is why we unanimously hate the book Catcher in the Rye; we cannot muster one ounce of sympathy for Holden Caulfield.

Edited December 29, 2015 by regentrude

[stutterfish]

"A significant part is that even in things that I have some natural ability in, I tend to underachieve as far as the work that needs to be put in to become really good at it. I almost always sabotaged myself with these things as a young person."

 

Yes, self-sabotage is a biggie. Fear of success, or near-success, can be just as crippling as fear of failure. Achievement attracts attention, praise and increased expectations from others, so success can heighten that feeling of being a fraud/imposter.

[Rosie_0801]

I don't really know why I have this attitude. I have a horror - an absolute horror - of being 'found out'. Better to out myself as a foothills girl. 

 

Hide nothing and you can't get caught for perjury?

 

That's pretty much how I roll. And I'm an ambassador for authenticity. It's hard to develop a reliable internal yardstick when everyone else behaves as though they haven't got one either.

 

The downside is I completely suck at job interviews. 

[Rosie_0801]

I am thinking this taste for self flagellation maybe comes from too much reading of My Little Book of Saints as a wee, impressionable girl. 

 

I can't remember which saint put pebbles in her shoes as a young girl so that her feet were bruised and yet she did not cry out with pain as she walked - but boy, did she make a big impression on me. 

 

That's just sick.  :crying:

[Critterfixer]

Apparently the dislike of personal praise and compliments is not uncommon. I've been doing some looking around.

One thing that struck me forcibly was the idea that when one deflects a compliment or refuses to accept praise, one is actually refusing to allow another point of view to have value.

That was interesting.

 

As an example, if someone were to pay me this compliment:

"You did such a great job. We really love the way you take care of -------"

Automatically I judge the first statement as untrue. It can't be great, because it would be the same thing I would do for anyone. Thus, anything dependent on the first statement is invalid. 

I need to work on not taking my point of view and applying it to another person. My own rather peculiar way of looking at the world is not going to be the same way someone else looks at things. It's given me an idea of how I should work on accepting praise. I need to quit assigning my view of things to people who can't possibly see things my way.

[JoJosMom]

I think Lynn is awesome.

 

(Perhaps a non-sequitur, but I posted. :wacko: )

[Arcadia]

Hubby and I were brought up to view giving and receiving praise as social etiquette. The "try to say something nice or don't say anything at all" and to say a simple thank you when praised. Maybe that is why I don't have any reaction to praise.

 

Perfectionism is like being the first to score a perfect 10 for gymnastics (Nadia Comăneci) and still feel like there is room for improvement. You (general) can feel that you deserved the perfect score/rating you received but at the same time feel that you have not reach your pinnacle.

[Another Lynn]

Apparently the dislike of personal praise and compliments is not uncommon. I've been doing some looking around.

One thing that struck me forcibly was the idea that when one deflects a compliment or refuses to accept praise, one is actually refusing to allow another point of view to have value.

That was interesting.

 

As an example, if someone were to pay me this compliment:

"You did such a great job. We really love the way you take care of -------"

Automatically I judge the first statement as untrue. It can't be great, because it would be the same thing I would do for anyone. Thus, anything dependent on the first statement is invalid. 

I need to work on not taking my point of view and applying it to another person. My own rather peculiar way of looking at the world is not going to be the same way someone else looks at things. It's given me an idea of how I should work on accepting praise. I need to quit assigning my view of things to people who can't possibly see things my way.

 

Yes, I think similarly.  I think they are exaggerating, or not being truthful.  We are expected to do our duty and we do it (whether we're talking about grades, accomplishments, or a job, whatever).  Why should that be special? 

 

And, thinking back to whether I praise my own children or not....  When they accomplish things, I know I should say something positive or praising, but I feel like it comes out so insincerely.  I feel so fake when I say it.  I want them to do well and to succeed, but praising them when it happens feels fake. 

 

[Another Lynn]

I think Lynn is awesome.

 

(Perhaps a non-sequitur, but I posted. :wacko: )

 

:lol:  :blushing: :001_wub:

 

[Critterfixer]

 

 

And, thinking back to whether I praise my own children or not....  When they accomplish things, I know I should say something positive or praising, but I feel like it comes out so insincerely.  I feel so fake when I say it.  I want them to do well and to succeed, but praising them when it happens feels fake. 

I am always thanking my boys for their help, but it is rare that I pay them a personal compliment. Not only does it feel fake, it makes me wonder if they receive it the same way I do. I do compliment their "products". I am very willing to praise a drawing or a story, and to pick out things that are worth notable mention. And I'm quite sincere when I do that, and they seem to appreciate that. 

[Rosie_0801]

Maybe the trouble is not being taught what sort of responses we're supposed to give in return.

 

[Donna]

I always think everyone else knows more about any one topic than I do. I tend to be quiet especially in groups and rarely IRL offer an opinion on anything unless directly asked. I tend to listen to everyone else's opinions in group settings. I will only disagree or correct someone on something if I am absolutely sure I am correct. If I achieve something I always downplay it in my head. I absolutely hate for someone to praise me. I don't want to be noticed. When my kids are performing, I would rather be a fly on the wall watching than have anyone come up to tell me how wonderful they think my children or I am.

 

Perfectionism? Maybe. Personality? Maybe. I am INTJ for those polling the personality types of those with imposter syndrome. 

[JoJosMom]

:lol:  :blushing: :001_wub:

 

 

 

:001_wub:  right back atcha!

 

I'm glad there's smart people for the deep posts for you!