Farrar Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 I can't rant thing on FB where I wanted to respond to someone, but really can't, so I'm going to randomly rant here. If you get divorced and it's messy and horrible and everyone needs lawyers and therapists and it's years later and it's still dragging on, then do NOT try and do every holiday together "for the sake of the kids." You're just punishing yourself, your kids, and giving whoever the more manipulative party is the chance to manipulate more. My parents divorced when I was young and I do not for the life of me understand this. It's like they're trying to fool the kids into thinking a family that doesn't exist anymore in that configuration still exists. And the adults are both miserable. How can you have a happy holiday when the adults are both dreading it? I mean, if the divorce was truly mutual and happy and there's no custody issues or kids whose one desperate wish is to have mommy and daddy back together, then okay, go forth and do what you like. But otherwise, what the heck, people! Stop it! Stop punishing yourselves! Your kids won't thank you when they grow up. I'm certainly glad my parents didn't try to pull that off. It would have been stressful and awkward and horrible - and they even had a pretty nice divorce. But, honestly, part of it being nice was them not trying to spend a ton of time together. :rant: Thanks. I just needed to get that off my chest. 19 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 sigh. Divorce is awful. My family is dealing with a new divorce this year and it's so sad. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 I'm sorry. :grouphug: I dealt with that with a brother, years ago. It was horrible for everyone. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
applethyme Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 :hurray: :hurray: So true! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
medawyn Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 That would have been my childhood nightmare, and my parents are cordial enough. As insane as it can be juggling two sets of parents (and now the in laws), I vastly prefer it to what a "one big (pretend) happy family" holiday would look like. Rant away! 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SebastianCat Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 Wow - I shudder to think of what that would have looked like if my parents had tried to get everyone together after their divorce. Not good. Many years passed and they were civil to each other for my wedding and for grandkids' birthdays, and for that I am grateful. I know several families this year who are either newly divorced or going through a divorce, and my heart just hurts for them. Divorce hurts. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 That would have been my childhood nightmare, and my parents are cordial enough. As insane as it can be juggling two sets of parents (and now the in laws), I vastly prefer it to what a "one big (pretend) happy family" holiday would look like. Rant away! Word. They're not fooling anyone and probably just stressing everyone out! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cinder Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 I mean, if the divorce was truly mutual and happy and there's no custody issues or kids whose one desperate wish is to have mommy and daddy back together, then okay, go forth and do what you like. My sister's X-ILs were like this. They practically lived together--she was in the big house and he was in the small unit at the back of the property but spent a lot of his free time in the big house. As such there were no custody issues and the two got along just like old friends. But my own parents could barely be in the same room together and made no attempts to pretend otherwise. It was better that way. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfunnybunch Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 Horror. And my ex and I, and families, managed to celebrate our dd's birthday together every year. I even looked forward to seeing his family, as that was often the only time I'd see them. Our relationship is still amicable, and we still celebrate grandbaby's bday all together. But holidays together???? Shudder. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted November 25, 2015 Author Share Posted November 25, 2015 Horror. And my ex and I, and families, managed to celebrate our dd's birthday together every year. I even looked forward to seeing his family, as that was often the only time I'd see them. Our relationship is still amicable, and we still celebrate grandbaby's bday all together. But holidays together???? Shudder. Birthdays, sure. That makes more sense to me. Especially a birthday party for extended family. On the other hand, the same person who inspired this rant allowed the kid who wants mommy and daddy back together to make just the three of them have a birthday meal together for the birthday. Ugh. I was like, why would you give in to that wish? It's asking for trouble to do a special just the three of us - mom, dad and kid - meal when you know the kid is having issues with understanding that this is just the way things are now. Not every childhood wish gets to be granted. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 I get it. My brother and his ex couldn't manage watching their boys' hockey game without a meltdown so holidays were brutal. I used to feel so bad for my nephews. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tess in the Burbs Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 I asked my parents to come together the first year we were back on the east coast and the kids were 1 1/2 and 4 months. It was awful. Both were remarried, but it was so awkward. Even though it was over a decade old divorce they hadn't moved on emotionally from all the hurt and anger. We haven't seen my dad at Christmas since that year in 2003. Divorce is awful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tsuga Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 We didn't even do birthdays. He couldn't respect boundaries. And yes. Don't do it. It does not help. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjand6more Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 My parents divorced when I was 18. I was an only child(well I had 2 VERY older brothers-by 19 years) They spent all the holidays together with me and my family that they could. They are both gone and I am so thankful for that. My exh and I took my ds trick or treating many times and had birthday parties together. We did not spend any other holiday together though. I have invited him to every Thanksgiving and Christmas, though. He chooses to work the holidays and not be reminded that he does not live with his kids. Divorce is awful. I am blessed we could get past so much of the emotions. I know that is not possible for many. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted November 25, 2015 Author Share Posted November 25, 2015 I asked my parents to come together the first year we were back on the east coast and the kids were 1 1/2 and 4 months. It was awful. Both were remarried, but it was so awkward. Even though it was over a decade old divorce they hadn't moved on emotionally from all the hurt and anger. We haven't seen my dad at Christmas since that year in 2003. Divorce is awful. That's really unfortunate. I'm sorry. I think the ideal is divorced parents who can be nice at the inevitable weddings, graduations, christenings, and so forth. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tm919 Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 (edited) I know some divorced couples who vacation together with the kids, i.e., even if one or both has a new boyfriend/girlfriend and things aren't that amicable. It always sounded like a trip to purgatory to me... Imagine a week at Disney with just you, the kids, and your cheating ex + 1. I do get that in some rare cases it works. I also knew a couple who divorced and went on as housemates (with the kids) for ages, and they honestly seemed fine. I think they were in that house for over 5 years after the divorce. I think it's really rare that it can work that way. Edited November 25, 2015 by tm919 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted November 26, 2015 Share Posted November 26, 2015 (edited) I can't rant thing on FB where I wanted to respond to someone, but really can't, so I'm going to randomly rant here. If you get divorced and it's messy and horrible and everyone needs lawyers and therapists and it's years later and it's still dragging on, then do NOT try and do every holiday together "for the sake of the kids." You're just punishing yourself, your kids, and giving whoever the more manipulative party is the chance to manipulate more. My parents divorced when I was young and I do not for the life of me understand this. It's like they're trying to fool the kids into thinking a family that doesn't exist anymore in that configuration still exists. And the adults are both miserable. How can you have a happy holiday when the adults are both dreading it? I mean, if the divorce was truly mutual and happy and there's no custody issues or kids whose one desperate wish is to have mommy and daddy back together, then okay, go forth and do what you like. But otherwise, what the heck, people! Stop it! Stop punishing yourselves! Your kids won't thank you when they grow up. I'm certainly glad my parents didn't try to pull that off. It would have been stressful and awkward and horrible - and they even had a pretty nice divorce. But, honestly, part of it being nice was them not trying to spend a ton of time together. :rant: Thanks. I just needed to get that off my chest. I get it. I think there's a lot of pressure these days to force people who don't like each other (or even enjoy each other) to be in the same room at *any* family gathering. It's already hard enough when we haave to put up with our favorite aunt's only son but then to add divorced people to the mix is insane... (oops, did I saw that out loud?? ;) ) Edited November 26, 2015 by PrincessMommy 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommybee Posted November 26, 2015 Share Posted November 26, 2015 Imagine a week at Disney with just you, the kids, and your cheating ex Hi have you met me? I was that idiot in September. I hate divorce..... We don't do holidays or any of that together. It was more of a want to take that trip and not being able to afford it alone. It was a lot of fun, but I wouldn't do it again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnniePoo Posted November 26, 2015 Share Posted November 26, 2015 (edited) For little kids, I agree. But when the kids are all adults? No. My parents divorced maybe 5 years ago and I put my foot down to separate holidays. We either all do Christmas together in a neutral location or someone is going to have to wait until next year. B/c seriously...we can't be expected to do Christmas with each of my parents (who are divorced), my extended family, and Dh's family (his parents are divorced too BTW) and still try to have some family time. Edited November 26, 2015 by AnniePoo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cammie Posted November 26, 2015 Share Posted November 26, 2015 This is when it is easier to live far far away. My parents divorced 15 years ago. Dad is remarried to the suspected girlfriend. Dad and wife live in the gorgeous big house that my mother had to move out of. The whole thing is painful but like the good New Englanders we are...everyone sucks it up. No drama. No emotion. A pleasant little get together and then home. Divorce does suck. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted November 26, 2015 Share Posted November 26, 2015 My divorce process was fairly cordial. This is the first year the ex is back in town, so ds went with him to see family. I even drove them to the train station. I would not however invite him to my Thanksgiving meal and I have specifically told my mother he cannot be invited for Christmas. I'm not creating awkward situations. I may be crazy, but I'm not stupid. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melinda in VT Posted November 26, 2015 Share Posted November 26, 2015 And on the other end of the spectrum, don't take half the kids and move halfway across the world so that the siblings won't be together for any of the winter holidays after this year. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted November 26, 2015 Share Posted November 26, 2015 I get to wait and see if the court will let me have any Christmas this year or if I get to sit at home with no babies. Divorce sucks alright. I didn't birth two kids to be playing at empty nesting at age 35. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alicia64 Posted November 26, 2015 Share Posted November 26, 2015 (((Farrar))) :grouphug: If you're the result, I'm all for divorce. (Kidding, everyone, I'm kidding. Farrar's just really cool. I mean, we all are. Don't send posts!!) Alley Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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