Luanne Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 (edited) ...to not try to be friends with someone anymore? In this case I am referring to my sister. We are just too different. Sometimes I think we can be friends, but as soon as I feel like we are getting along well, she starts acting squirrelly again. It doesn't help that her husband does not like me or my daughter and doesn't even know how to be civil about it. Edited November 23, 2015 by Luanne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elinnea Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 That's a difficult question to answer without knowing the details and even then everyone is going to have their own criteria. For me, as a general rule of thumb, I'd say that when the relationship is causing me distress and pain on a constant basis then it's time to let go. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: If staying "friends", as in lots of contact, is not working and is painful, and you feel you have tried to open the lines of communication and work out any issues, then letting go may be the healthiest option. Since she is family I would try not to burn bridges, though. Just let things gently die if that is an option. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 I think you're there, Hon. :grouphug: If you're in a relationship where you have to subordinate yourself all the time to keep the peace with people you're not actually dependant on, you're justified in going elsewhere. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robin M Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 When it is no longer healthy for you or your family. As long as you don't live close to each other and don't see each other frequently, it is easier to cut ties. I love my sister, but I don't like her. She flies off the handle, says mean things, then walks away for a time. When she reestablishes contact, which can be anywhere from two weeks to two years, she doesn't remember doing anything wrong and issues are never her fault. Fortunately she lives in another state. You have to be honest, let them know, whether in person and through a letter, the how and why you need to step away from the relationship. I can be adult and get along when at family functions, but other than that, I avoid contact. I feel sorry for her, because she just doesn't get it. she is older and doesn't accept she has short term memory loss issues. So when someone swears they are mentally fit, I have to hold them responsible for their words and actions. Loving someone unconditionally doesn't necessarily mean letting them get away with being rude. You have to establish boundaries and stick to them. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 I think as long as you are friendly at family gatherings, and lend an ear when she needs to vent or brag, you're good. :) 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tsuga Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 ...to not try to be friends with someone anymore? In this case I am referring to my sister. We are just too different. Sometimes I think we can be friends, but as soon as I feel like we are getting along well, she starts acting squirrelly again. It doesn't help that her husband does not like me or my daughter and doesn't even know how to be civil about it. Sisters are always sisters. You don't have to be confidantes or besties. As SKL said, as long as you are kind at family gatherings and friendly, and can deal kindly and justly with your parents, there's no need to be close. Sorry about that though. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 I'm not friends with one of my brothers. I love him but we don't get on and I can't be close to him because he's an abusive addict. I have a strict no-contact and no-visit policy unless he wants a ride to rehab. Other than that our relationship is limited to texts about his kids schedule (I take care of them. A lot). He's not allowed to come here for any holidays, which apparently hurts him but as much as I, in a fit of sentimentality, might like to see him, my kids (and his kids) come first. Save for a family member being abusive, I'm pretty loyal to my family. You might not be close but that relationship is always there. My other brother and I can go a while between visits but when we get together, we make each other laugh as only we can. I don't have much in common with him and his husband and I dislike some of the people they are close with but that doesn't stop us from being siblings. If her husband is uncivil to you and your daughter, you can always limit your interactions to just her except at family gatherings. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 I think you're there, Hon. :grouphug: If you're in a relationship where you have to subordinate yourself all the time to keep the peace with people you're not actually dependant on, you're justified in going elsewhere. Well said! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 (Hugs) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 My sister and I are not friends. As children we were night and day. Our relationship improved greatly when she left for college. We love each other but neither of us is who the other would choose to be friends with. We live a few states apart and have separate lives. We chat every few months. Touch base about what is going on in our lives and if we are on the same page in regards to mom's health. When we get together we can make a weekend of pleasantries. Any longer then 3 days and the edges start to get frayed. Sometimes we both wish we were closer and we have tried but it just isn't who we are. A lot of family baggage, personality conflict, different places in our lives, etc. It is okay not to be best friends with your sister and you can give yourself permission to see her at family functions and be pleasant. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lmrich Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 If she weren't your sister, would you still want this relationship? She will always be your sister, and you will always love her. Just the let relationship go where it needs to go. You also never know what she (or even you) will be like in 10, 20, 30 years from now, and you and your sister will still be your sister. Hope you have peace soon. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 I'd treat it a little differently since she is family. That is, I probably wouldn't be making an effort to get together with her anymore, but I would not cut off ties completely. I'd leave things open, just in case. People can change (on the rare occasion, but I've seen it happen!) And you never know -- someday you may be all she has, or you may just need each other. Sorry you're going through that! 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trulycrabby Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 I think you're there, Hon. :grouphug: If you're in a relationship where you have to subordinate yourself all the time to keep the peace with people you're not actually dependant on, you're justified in going elsewhere. Excellent advice. :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Donna Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 For me, whether it is family or not, when I have tried to keep the lines of communication open and been rejected, I tend to stop trying and let it go quietly. I don't like to see friendships end but I am not one to continue if I feel like it is one-sided. I also do not get along with my sister. We are too different. For years I tried to maintain a relationship with her…not besties or anything but called, sent gifts, visited but it always seemed one-sided because she would not make any effort to reciprocate so a few years ago I stopped initiating contact (she lives far away from me). Sometimes she claims to want a relationship so I try but then she stops communicating or does something that is very not friendly so I stop trying and wait for her to claim she wants a relationship again. She's my sister so I will listen if she wants to talk (which is rare unless she is in her "I want a relationship" phase) but I have stopped sharing anything with her and at this point, would not initiate contact with her. It always seems she wants a relationship when she wants something from me and I am not playing her game anymore. My other criteria, when I will end a friendship without regrets, is when someone acts repeatedly in a way that is painful to one or more of my kids. One or two issues, I would try to work out but if we've talked about things and the person knows where I stand but continues the behavior, I avoid them. I don't like conflict so I have never had it out with someone but when I feel like the relationship is not healthy, I avoid. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlsdMama Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 Sisters are always sisters. You don't have to be confidantes or besties. As SKL said, as long as you are kind at family gatherings and friendly, and can deal kindly and justly with your parents, there's no need to be close. Sorry about that though. This. Sometimes sibling relationships are sibling relationships and not friendships. I think that's okay. Friends are your friends because of like-mindedness in some area. Siblings have a different relationship and it's okay to have that. Boundaries are a good thing - it allows you to find and maintain a relationship that does work. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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