*UPDATE IN OP* Tips on dealing with guest on the spectrum

[8circles]

Update:  It is going great!  Our friend seems to be aware enough to self-regulate as the very next day, he went for a 2-hour bike ride (his own idea) and also started a workout regime, both of which he has done almost every day since then - every day that we've been home enough.  I haven't spoken to him because it hasn't been necessary.  We also went to the pool yesterday (it hasn't been very warm here lately).  It's like night & day.

 

My own son had a bit more trouble adjusting but has come around - he just made himself scarce until he could handle it, which he is now doing well.

 

We leave tomorrow on a short vacation & I'm not worried at all.  We might have some snags but I'm now confident that we'll ride it out.

 

Thank you all so much for educating me & encouraging me.  

 

**********************************************

Some of you know, we are hosting a 17 yo friend of the family for the summer - just over 2 weeks to go. He has (mild?) aspergers. He is not American but does very well with English. He has already been here for about 5 weeks and we are having a really good time. This week, however, I think he has started to feel REALLY comfortable and his behaviors have been harder to handle. I'm doing OK (yes, it is getting annoying, but I'm handling it ok) but my oldest, ds12, has all of a sudden reached his limit. We've discussed it with him, before the visit as well as now. But we didn't really have any idea that it was getting SO difficult for ds until today.

So. Does anyone have any tips or even just encouragement for finishing this experience strong, without it being dragged down to something unpleasant?

Here are the behaviors that are becoming unbearable for some of us:
Not noticing a conversation happening right in front of him & loudly interrupting.
Singing one line from one song loudly at random times - like 20 times throughout one family dinner.

There are some others but those are the big ones. For me, what makes it incredibly frustrating is when I "scold" him, he seems to understand, apologizes even. But he does it again shortly after & laughs as if he's just joking. But it isn't a joke, its just doing what he was asked not to do.

I understand that he doesn't fully get it. He's trying to figure out the proper social behavior. He isn't trying to be annoying. I just don't know how to communicate better. The more firm I get, the more "mean" I feel and it doesn't even seem to be more effective. But I don't want to be mean. I like this kid. I enjoy his company. We really are having a great time. But this has been a tough week.

I have skyped with his parents and we've discussed some of this but it has gotten worse since then, not better.

Does anyone have anything for me? Ways to help my own kid cope?

Please assume only the best intentions here. Like I said, he's a great kid. We all like him. We just need some help.

Tia!

[Alicia64]

Without knowing every detail -- forgive me if I get this wrong -- but I'd take him aside on a daily basis in the a.m. and remind him of the two or three things he's working on that day. In private. Never embarrassing him in front of others. (I would approach him in a "you and me against the world" type of way as he's learning new behaviors. As in, "I'll quietly notice what a great job you're doing in not interrupting and I'll wink and smile. Or I'll quietly give a thumbs up."

 

And then I'd praise him privately and, for other reasons, in public. ("Did you know Daniel plays beautiful piano? He's been practicing for years.")

 

I have a child on the spectrum and he's easily embarrassed. Also, he ups his annoying behaviors if he feels ignored. Being ignored really sets off behaviors that normally are dormant.

 

I hope that's helpful. Every person is different.

 

Good luck. And my heart goes out to your son!

 

Alley

[8circles]

VERY helpful - thank you!

[WoolC]

Scolding and being firmer will not be effective. Learning new habits and how to stop certain behaviors can be very challenging and time intensive for someone on the Spectrum. As difficult as it is for your son, this may be a situation where you need to just get through it. My son is on the spectrum and while it is necessary to alter some of his behaviors it takes far more time, patience and effort than what we could accomplish in a 2 week period.

 

The repetitive singing could be a source of comfort for him. Interrupting is also very common for people on the spectrum and a very difficult habit to break. Trying to understand the behaviors and simply empathize with the challenges this young man and his family face on a daily basis can go a long way in renewing your patience.

 

Hopefully others will have more concrete strategies for you over the next two weeks so you can enjoy your time!

[zoobie]

I would focus on your DS. Give him space. Suggest and facilitate things for him to do without the guest.

[8circles]

Scolding and being firmer will not be effective. Learning new habits and how to stop certain behaviors can be very challenging and time intensive for someone on the Spectrum. As difficult as it is for your son, this may be a situation where you need to just get through it. My son is on the spectrum and while it is necessary to alter some of his behaviors it takes far more time, patience and effort than what we could accomplish in a 2 week period.

 

The repetitive singing could be a source of comfort for him. Interrupting is also very common for people on the spectrum and a very difficult habit to break. Trying to understand the behaviors and simply empathize with the challenges this young man and his family face on a daily basis can go a long way in renewing your patience.

 

Hopefully others will have more concrete strategies for you over the next two weeks so you can enjoy your time!

 

Thank you.  I have lots of empathy for his family as well as patience for him.  But I have a son who is struggling with it & I'd like to help him.  I also have 4 other children who I also have to help navigate.  

[justasque]

It may help to remember (and remind your ds) that these behaviors are HARD for a Spectrum-y kid to stop, and he's not likely to give them up after only a few weeks with you.  I don't think you should be expecting it to stop.  That's both an easy answer and a very, very hard one, especially for your ds. Can you brainstorm coping mechanisms for your ds?   For example, can he be allowed to leave the table when he's had his limit of singing?  Can you or your dh take him out for some respite time, or take the visitor out to give respite to those at home?  Can you talk about the difference between things you can't change (others' behavior) and things you can (your own choices)?  Can you talk with your ds more about autism and why some of these behaviors may be happening (and why you overlook them in your visitor but not in your own children) - basically a discussing about giving grace for others' struggles?  Can you together talk about how giving your visitor's family this break from him strengthens them to care for him when they are together, and how it is hard for all of you on a temporary basis, so how much harder must it be for them?  Can you do some kind of bonding activity to remember why you are all friends and like this visitor?

And, gently - scolding for this kind of behavior may make it worse (the singing especially).  Sometimes it is better to ignore it (while giving your kids a private heads-up that you will be doing so and why, so that they understand).

[Innisfree]

Sometimes the behaviors which seem odd to the uninitiated are coping techniques which comfort the person with ASD. People on the spectrum are often under an enormous amount of stress dealing with sights, sounds, smells, and the simple presence of lots of new people. It sounds like you've got a big family, and this young man is in a new country, speaking a language which is not his first tongue. These would be somewhat stressful situations for many, perhaps most, 17 year olds, but he's got an unimaginably greater amount of stress to handle.

 

I know you want the best for this young man, and I'm speaking gently....

 

 

What you see as getting too comfortable and behaving badly sounds very different to me. In our family, undesirable behaviors appear as a reaction to stress which has become overwhelming. Perhaps for the first few weeks he was able to keep things under control, but now it's all just too much. Generally, as hard as these behaviors are for bystanders, it's harder for the person with ASD.

 

Again in our family, and I can't speak for others, the least helpful action is to draw attention to these behaviors in the moment. He is already too stressed to control them. Embarrassment can be acute and further overwhelm him.

 

His parents can probably provide the best guidance. What did they suggest?

 

I agree to focus on getting your son some space. His frustration may be compounding your guest's difficulties. Could you find things for him to do away from the guest? Some reading material from the library about the challenges faced by people on the spectrum might also be helpful. Probably the behaviors you're seeing are not just based on lack of social understanding, but spring from acute discomfort.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Anxiety ups Aspie behaviors in my Aspie.  Calling him out on behaviors will up his anxiety.  So a vicious circle.  

 

Does he get any time alone to decompress?  Ds does a lot better socially if he has a lot of time alone with his computer.  It allows him to withdraw from the stress of the social.  More than any other thing, I think this would help my Aspie to handle time with a family at dinner or other times.  

 

 

[Mergath]

He may not be able to stop the behaviors, especially if he's stressed about being away from home. I don't have a child on the spectrum, but I used to work with severely autistic children and often, they want to be able to stop as much as everyone else wants them to stop. And perhaps it isn't so much that he feels more comfortable, but that he's more homesick?

 

Perhaps it would help for you and your ds to read this book, if you haven't already: http://www.amazon.com/The-Reason-Jump-Thirteen-Year-Old-Autism/dp/0812994868  It's a book written by an autistic Japanese boy about what it's like to be on the spectrum. Despite my years of work experience, I didn't truly understand what it was like until I read this. And then I sobbed after I finished it. The author is much more severely affected than your guest seems to be, but it might give you some insight.

[8circles]

Thanks everyone.  I'm reading everyone's response & will revisit them again as I brainstorm.  

 

Some immediate thoughts:

 

I have already decided not to scold because it wasn't effective but I appreciate the insight into why this isn't a nice way to handle it.  I am learning.  I want to be kind.  I like him and do empathize.

 

Regarding the behaviors & it being unrealistic to change them in 2 weeks - The behaviors have not been present - almost at all - until this last week.  So it isn't as if he was already entrenched.  In my inadequate understanding, this made it a possibility to correct.  If it isn't realistic to expect these behaviors to get better, we'll deal.  

 

There is a significant cultural difference in how families operate just in general.  The parents are GREAT with this kid - but they expect us to scold him when he behaves inappropriately.  I think this is partly that they don't have as many children so the private vs "public" scold isn't an issue for them.  IDK if that makes sense. 

 

He could very well be feeling homesick and that could be prompting these behaviors.  It would be somewhat surprising just because he talks about how he wants to stay.  He isn't looking forward to returning in 2 weeks.  He is... mildly obsessed, for lack of a better word, with America.  He has done things like - participated in a theater class, putting on a show at the end & speaking in front of DS12's boyscout troop (he is a scout at home).  So maybe it's just that he's being stretched by this experience & despite enjoying it, it's stressful.  Does that sound like a possibility?

 

At the risk of this sounding like a thread where I give more information & the whole picture changes (I have a tendency to be wordy so I try to truncate where I can & sometimes I truncate too much)... he is not here alone, his older sister is also with us.  She is not on the spectrum.  She also tries to be helpful with his behaviors - mostly with scolding - but again, there is a cultural difference & also, it is just the 2 of them, so the bigger family makes it a bit different.  I've spoken to her about it & we are on the same page & I can absolutely count on her to help in any way I would ask her to.

 

Like I said, I'll re-read the comments & continue to brainstorm.  But at this point, I'll try to speak with him privately and also make a point to get him some positive attention as a preventative.  

 

I really appreciate all the insight.  This is a new experience for me and I just want to do my best.  While this is a problem that I'm willing to work hard at to "fix", I want to make clear that this is in no way some kind of nightmare situation.  We're doing good, we could just do better with more knowledge.  

[justasque]

 

 

I have already decided not to scold because it wasn't effective but I appreciate the insight into why this isn't a nice way to handle it.  I am learning.  I want to be kind.  I like him and do empathize.

 

Regarding the behaviors & it being unrealistic to change them in 2 weeks - The behaviors have not been present - almost at all - until this last week.  So it isn't as if he was already entrenched.  In my inadequate understanding, this made it a possibility to correct.  If it isn't realistic to expect these behaviors to get better, we'll deal.  

 

There is a significant cultural difference in how families operate just in general.  The parents are GREAT with this kid - but they expect us to scold him when he behaves inappropriately.  I think this is partly that they don't have as many children so the private vs "public" scold isn't an issue for them.  IDK if that makes sense. 

 

He could very well be feeling homesick and that could be prompting these behaviors.  It would be somewhat surprising just because he talks about how he wants to stay.  He isn't looking forward to returning in 2 weeks.  He is... mildly obsessed, for lack of a better word, with America.  He has done things like - participated in a theater class, putting on a show at the end & speaking in front of DS12's boyscout troop (he is a scout at home).  So maybe it's just that he's being stretched by this experience & despite enjoying it, it's stressful.  Does that sound like a possibility?

 

At the risk of this sounding like a thread where I give more information & the whole picture changes (I have a tendency to be wordy so I try to truncate where I can & sometimes I truncate too much)... he is not here alone, his older sister is also with us.  She is not on the spectrum.  She also tries to be helpful with his behaviors - mostly with scolding - but again, there is a cultural difference & also, it is just the 2 of them, so the bigger family makes it a bit different.  I've spoken to her about it & we are on the same page & I can absolutely count on her to help in any way I would ask her to.

 

Like I said, I'll re-read the comments & continue to brainstorm.  But at this point, I'll try to speak with him privately and also make a point to get him some positive attention as a preventative.  

 

I really appreciate all the insight.  This is a new experience for me and I just want to do my best.  While this is a problem that I'm willing to work hard at to "fix", I want to make clear that this is in no way some kind of nightmare situation.  We're doing good, we could just do better with more knowledge.  

 

Just wanted to add that your willingness to seek insight, to listen, to learn, and to change what you're doing based on your emerging understanding is what has the potential to make this visit a life-changing experience for this young man.  I think you may have hit the nail on the head when you said that the new experiences may be stretching him, thus the need for coping mechanisms between the stretching.  Keep up the good work, mama!

[8circles]

Just wanted to add that your willingness to seek insight, to listen, to learn, and to change what you're doing based on your emerging understanding is what has the potential to make this visit a life-changing experience for this young man.  I think you may have hit the nail on the head when you said that the new experiences may be stretching him, thus the need for coping mechanisms between the stretching.  Keep up the good work, mama!

 

Thank you for seeing my heart in this. :)

[Kathryn]

I realize that you haven't seen these behaviors from him before now in the weeks he's been with you, but I really expect that they aren't new to him. As others mentioned, they're most likely coping mechanisms for stress/anxiety; ones he does unconsciously. Scolding will not help. He doesn't control starting them. A gentle reminder each time it happens is as far as I'd go.

 

I think your focus here should be in helping your own son navigate the situation and modeling patience and understanding for him.

[gardenmom5]

 The behaviors have not been present - almost at all - until this last week.  So it isn't as if he was already entrenched.  In my inadequate understanding, this made it a possibility to correct.  If it isn't realistic to expect these behaviors to get better, we'll deal.  

 

He could very well be feeling homesick and that could be prompting these behaviors.  It would be somewhat surprising just because he talks about how he wants to stay.  He isn't looking forward to returning in 2 weeks.  He is... mildly obsessed, for lack of a better word, with America.  

 

you've gotten some good advice - and I would like to address this specifically.  I agree the behaviors sound like stimming (means of self-calming/dealing with his stress. - especially the singing)

 

aspies tend to have sensory issues (among other things.) sometimes they are sensory averse, sometimes they seek it.  how much sensory stimulation they seek has nothing to do with getting their limit - they can be way over the limit of sensory stimulation and still want more and more and more.   He sound like he's having a great time - but is past his limit as to how much he can actually handle.

 

I would try to find some calmer activities - or ways to allow him to decompress and have more quiet time than he has been getting.  he may not "want" it, but it sounds like he needs it.  water can be calming - is it possible to go to a beach or pool without a crowd?

 

when an NT person reaches their sensory limit - they remove themselves.  when an aspie reaches their limit, they'll start stimming - but they will also continue to seek stimulation until they literally can't take anymore.  

 

 

eta: if you have accesses to a trampoline - they can be helpful.  I have a rebounder in my high-ceiling dining room.  dudeling  jumps when he feels the need. he might only spend 30 - 60 seconds, but can get on it a dozen times in a one or two hour period.  (otherwise he's also humming at the top of his lungs. he rarely sings as he struggles with the words. he hums or whistles.  loudly.)

there is also a brushing technique (can't remember the name.) that can help with nervous integration and calming.  even at 17, a weighted blanket (especially for a sensory seeker.) having him do heavy work - where he's carrying things that are heavy, etc. it helps to give the nerves an outlet.

[8circles]

gardenmom5, great explanation, thank you!.  he does get down time but we havent been to the pool in a few weeks.

[PeterPan]

Not what anyone else said, but I'd try singing WITH him, since singing seems to comfort him.  Also, try getting him out and doing something with good muscle input, like a long hike, going to an indoor rock climbing place, something like that.  Good sensory input can also be soothing.

 

Oops, just saw Garden pointed you that way.  :)

[OneStepAtATime]

Good luck, 8.  I don't have anything useful to add to the great suggestions above but I, too, wanted to offer my support and send you kuddos for trying to find ways to help this boy continue to have a good visit while also supporting your son and the other members of your family.  You have a good heart.

[LucyStoner]

Your oldest is 12, right?  IIRC our older sons are about the same age.  Anyhoo, I think I would do a couple of things:

 

-Find some space/time to do something just with your kids.  A 17 year old can be left to his own devices for a short time.  

 

-Do you have a bike the 17 year old can ride?  Getting in some exercise can be helpful for some kids on the spectrum.    Maybe some hiking or something?  

 

-Give everyone some downtime during the day.  

 

 

[Tap]

Can your son take a break for a bit?  Can he go to a friends house for a day or two or even stay a night at one friends home and then another friends, Giving you son a break may be beneficial for all of you.

 

 

For the ASD person....is he feeling extra stress right now? How aware is he of his triggers for behavior? I would pick one trait or skill to work on and then focus on that one trait.  It can be too overwhelming to work on multiple things at once, especially if he is struggling in several areas at once.  If dinner is really important to your family, then maybe pick the singing to work on but ask him to especially work hard to focus on not singing at dinner.  

[Jean in Newcastle]

 

 

He could very well be feeling homesick and that could be prompting these behaviors.  It would be somewhat surprising just because he talks about how he wants to stay.  He isn't looking forward to returning in 2 weeks.  He is... mildly obsessed, for lack of a better word, with America.  He has done things like - participated in a theater class, putting on a show at the end & speaking in front of DS12's boyscout troop (he is a scout at home).  So maybe it's just that he's being stretched by this experience & despite enjoying it, it's stressful.  Does that sound like a possibility?

 

 

Wow, that is a lot of intense social.  I mean, not only is it with a lot of people but it is in front of a lot  of people where you have to "perform" in some way (even speaking to a group).  

[Plink]

Just another voice reiterating that behaviors often increase when these kids are overstimulated, scared, over tired, or stressed in any other way. Reduce the stress, and you will reduce the behaviors.

 

Water is often a magical thing for these guys. If nothing else, encourage a shower not as discipline, but as a safe place to re-set when the behaviors peak.

[8circles]

Wow guys - some more great suggestions and support this morning.  What a gift to wake up to that.  Thank you!!

 

My list of possible helps:

We have a trampoline that I will suggest he use - it's been a while I think since I've seen him on it.

He also has access to a bike.  Unfortunately, he's been biking with DS12 so I won't suggest that again.  I'll have to send him out alone or with my 8 year-old.  We live in a quiet, secluded suburban neighborhood so that should work. 

Go to a friends pool.  

Go on a hike.

Maybe go to an extra TKD class (he does Karate at home & has been participating in our TKD classes 2x/week).

Speak to him privately about one particular behavior (the singing?) - although I like the suggestion to sing with him.  Unfortunately his taste in music is more in line with DH - heavy metal - or obscure spanish songs.  If I could find something that we could play & all sing along together that might be fun.  I'll ask his sister to try to find something appropriate.

 

I think this past week we kind-of lost our stride and maybe that also contributed to him feeling stress.  2 of my kids had pneumonia and more of us were on abx as well.  We seem to be all healthy now (yay!!) so we'll try to get back on track & help him feel less stress.

 

Thank you all, again.  I really appreciate not only the suggestions but helping me understand the why.  I really do appreciate it.

[8circles]

Wow, that is a lot of intense social.  I mean, not only is it with a lot of people but it is in front of a lot  of people where you have to "perform" in some way (even speaking to a group).  

 

Yes, I know.  He seems to really crave it & in the moment, he handles it brilliantly.  Really, he isn't my child but I feel so proud of him when I see how well he handles all this stuff.  It makes it hard to remember that he doesn't deal well with stress at home when he can do these things.  I need to not forget.

 

& just to clarify, we aren't pushing him to do these things, he is seeking these opportunities out.   He went to the boyscout meeting just to observe & participate as a scout, seeing how it differed to scouts in his home country.  He ended up speaking in front of the group for about 10 minutes (unprepared) about scouts & then leading the game for the night.  I mean, I couldn't do that as an adult so I find him pretty amazing.

[gardenmom5]

Yes, I know.  He seems to really crave it & in the moment, he handles it brilliantly.  Really, he isn't my child but I feel so proud of him when I see how well he handles all this stuff.  It makes it hard to remember that he doesn't deal well with stress at home when he can do these things.  I need to not forget.

 

& just to clarify, we aren't pushing him to do these things, he is seeking these opportunities out.   He went to the boyscout meeting just to observe & participate as a scout, seeing how it differed to scouts in his home country.  He ended up speaking in front of the group for about 10 minutes (unprepared) about scouts & then leading the game for the night.  I mean, I couldn't do that as an adult so I find him pretty amazing.

 

sensory seekers crave stimulation - even when they are way past what they can actually handle.  I found one of the things I needed to do as the mom - was know my child well enough to know when he was approaching/had-reached his limit and then redirect to something quiet. (redirecting is easier if done before the limit is reached.) 

 

he still wanted to whatever was stimulating, but he had reached his limit and needed the down time.  the limit has increased over the years, but I still have to pay attention.  

[8circles]

sensory seekers crave stimulation - even when they are way past what they can actually handle.  I found one of the things I needed to do as the mom - was know my child well enough to know when he was approaching/had-reached his limit and then redirect to something quiet. (redirecting is easier if done before the limit is reached.) 

 

he still wanted to whatever was stimulating, but he had reached his limit and needed the down time.  the limit has increased over the years, but I still have to pay attention.  

 

Yes - I think I need to be more "mom" with him.  I didn't realize it until this thread.  Thank you. :)

[Plink]

  2 of my kids had pneumonia and more of us were on abx as well.  We seem to be all healthy now (yay!!) so we'll try to get back on track & help him feel less stress.

 

Oh!  You may want to have him checked by the doctor.  They don't always self-report symptoms of illness, but may have an increase in behaviors when they are sick.  

[merry gardens]

As a mom with numerous children who frequently try to interupt, I want to add there's a difference between scolding and correcting. When someone interrupts, calming saying, "You're interrupting," acknowledges the person has said something. Then, when there's a more natural break in the conversation, you can go back to that person and ask, "Now, what was it that you wanted to talk about?"

 

Also, if you attempt "diplomatic" correction with lots of superfluous niceties, that may be contributing to your frustration. Blunt is not always rude or mean. My BIL who is on the spectrum needs blunt and direct. Lots of words can get in the way and just add to the confusion. Maybe even work out a simply gesture with him, like the finger over lips "sh" sign, to us as a reminder when he's iinterrupting someone, singing or speaking out of turn.

 

I also really liked the suggestion to join in with his singing sometimes. Learn the next lines to the song--maybe it will help get the line he's stuck on out of his head. Or maybe it will just be fun to sing with him.

 

And I hope you are all feeling better. I also agree that maybe you should have him checked out by a doctor if the several others in the house are sick. Illness is an additional stress that could make it harder for your guest to control his aspie - behaviors.

[8circles]

Oh!  You may want to have him checked by the doctor.  They don't always self-report symptoms of illness, but may have an increase in behaviors when they are sick.  

 

Yes, they've been checked.  If he gets what we had it would be hard to miss.  But we are keeping an eye out & I'm asking him about it daily.  Thx - I didn't know about the reluctance (?) to self-report.  That's helpful to know. 

[8circles]

As a mom with numerous children who frequently try to interupt, I want to add there's a difference between scolding and correcting. When someone interrupts, calming saying, "You're interrupting," acknowledges the person has said something. Then, when there's a more natural break in the conversation, you can go back to that person and ask, "Now, what was it that you wanted to talk about?" Yes - I see the difference and I definitely do more correct rather than scold.  It was just yesterday when I veered into scold & corrected myself because I recognized the futility & inappropriateness.

 

Also, if you attempt "diplomatic" correction with lots of superfluous niceties, that may be contributing to your frustration. Blunt is not always rude or mean. My BIL who is on the spectrum needs blunt and direct. Lots of words can get in the way and just add to the confusion. Maybe even work out a simply gesture with him, like the finger over lips "sh" sign, to us as a reminder when he's iinterrupting someone, singing or speaking out of turn. Yes, I do tend to be more diplomatic with him & do realize that more blunt would probably work better.  I'm getting better at it.

 

I also really liked the suggestion to join in with his singing sometimes. Learn the next lines to the song--maybe it will help get the line he's stuck on out of his head. Or maybe it will just be fun to sing with him.  LOL - this could be fun.

 

And I hope you are all feeling better. I also agree that maybe you should have him checked out by a doctor if the several others in the house are sick. Illness is an additional stress that could make it harder for your guest to control his aspie - behaviors.

 

Yes, we are all feeling much better, thanks.  See above about the doctor.  :)

[8circles]

I realize that you haven't seen these behaviors from him before now in the weeks he's been with you, but I really expect that they aren't new to him. As others mentioned, they're most likely coping mechanisms for stress/anxiety; ones he does unconsciously. Scolding will not help. He doesn't control starting them. A gentle reminder each time it happens is as far as I'd go.

 

I think your focus here should be in helping your own son navigate the situation and modeling patience and understanding for him.

 

Oh, yes - I meant that the behaviors were new for this situation - meaning he hasn't done them HERE until now.  I'm sure they aren't new to him back home.

 

& Yes, we are working with DS12.  He has actually done really well - he felt he had reached his limit & approached DH & me with it before he actually responded badly to our friend.  He should have said something sooner, but he did reach out in time.

 

Friend has actually gone for a bike ride this morning by himself - he'll be gone a couple of hours.  DS12 and I have had a heart-to-heart & he's been emotionally recharged at least for the time being.  We'll keep on top of it now that we know what's going on.

 

Again, Thanks for your help everyone!

[QueenCat]

 

 

Regarding the behaviors & it being unrealistic to change them in 2 weeks - The behaviors have not been present - almost at all - until this last week.  So it isn't as if he was already entrenched.  In my inadequate understanding, this made it a possibility to correct.  If it isn't realistic to expect these behaviors to get better, we'll deal.  

 

There is a significant cultural difference in how families operate just in general.  The parents are GREAT with this kid - but they expect us to scold him when he behaves inappropriately.  I think this is partly that they don't have as many children so the private vs "public" scold isn't an issue for them.  IDK if that makes sense. 

 

He could very well be feeling homesick and that could be prompting these behaviors.  It would be somewhat surprising just because he talks about how he wants to stay.  He isn't looking forward to returning in 2 weeks.  He is... mildly obsessed, for lack of a better word, with America.  He has done things like - participated in a theater class, putting on a show at the end & speaking in front of DS12's boyscout troop (he is a scout at home).  So maybe it's just that he's being stretched by this experience & despite enjoying it, it's stressful.  Does that sound like a possibility?

 

 

It is highly probable that he held those behaviors in for the first few weeks, to the detriment of his brain, and just can't anymore.That would be a very long time to do so. The interrupting is very hard for aspies. The singing is likely involuntary, even if it doesn't seem so to you, and is likely a huge calming mechanism for him. I find it incredibly sad that the parents expect you to scold him. That will NOT help him as he grows and becomes an adult. I hope the parents get better parenting help for parenting aspies SOON if that is what they normally do, especially since he is almost an adult. Granted, aspies do tend to move towards the next step in life later, so he isn't likely to be on his own anytime soon. Doesn't matter what culture they come from, you can't scold someone out of these type of behaviors in the long run. I really am glad to see you seeking advice, as you do seem to see that the scolding isn't working.

[8circles]

It is highly probable that he held those behaviors in for the first few weeks, to the detriment of his brain, and just can't anymore.That would be a very long time to do so. The interrupting is very hard for aspies. The singing is likely involuntary, even if it doesn't seem so to you, and is likely a huge calming mechanism for him. I find it incredibly sad that the parents expect you to scold him. That will NOT help him as he grows and becomes an adult. I hope the parents get better parenting help for parenting aspies SOON if that is what they normally do. Doesn't matter what culture they come from, you can't scold someone out of these type of behaviors in the long run.

 

See the explanation of scold vs correct above.  I meant correct rather than scold.  We all agree scolding is bad in this case.  Including his parents, who are gems.  

[QueenCat]

See the explanation of scold vs correct above.  I meant correct rather than scold.  We all agree scolding is bad in this case.  Including his parents, who are gems.  

 

I responded before reading through the whole thread. You are right, there is a difference. However, even constant correcting can be bad. The child might not see much difference between the two if it happens regularly. Note that I didn't say his parents weren't gems......... just that they may need parenting help. That's not an insult. Most parents of kids with any kind of autism need help learning productive techniques for working with their kids because the effective techniques are very different than what works with most "normal" kids.

[Kathryn]

For the singing at mealtimes, have you considered playing music in the background? People could talk over it, but I'd think that singing a different tune over it would be hard.

 

For the interrupting, that impulse doesn't seem to ever go away, but most of the time, my DS stops when I hold my finger up. He knows it's an acknowledgment that his turn will come when I'm done--he doesn't need to guess when that is. I will address him when I'm finished with the current conversation. It doesn't stop the initial interruption, but it shortens the length.

[8circles]

bump for update in the OP

[Guest]

I'm so glad he figured out a good coping mechanism. Boys, especially, need to move. I can count on one hand the ones I've met who didn't benefit greatly in focus and attitude from physical exertion, spectrum or not. I bet that goes double for your friend.

 

Yay!