senior year stress -- worse for homeschooling moms?

[JanetC]

[edited out most of post]

 

Am I the only one who's going to be up in the middle of the night wondering, "What if I've totally messed this up???"

 

[Starr]

You are the mom, everything is your fault. :D  You let her dance and do what she loved. That's fabulous. She would have made decisions if in ps as well. Be proud of her and work together to decide the next plan of action. There are always what ifs raising children, move forward.  :grouphug:

[JennW in SoCal]

No real words of wisdom, just a warm  :grouphug:  :grouphug: for you.  The senior year stress is truly awful, and it is all consuming.

 

The good news is that college admissions people who you meet face to face will not be second guessing you -- they are too busy trying to woo a prospective student!  The good news is that you can package your dd however you want, in whatever manner you think shows her off.  

 

There are a million of cookie cutter kids out there.  There is only one of your dd with her passion for dance and her stick-to-itness in dance. That counts for something because it shows a true passion rather than resume padding.

 

If you aren't submitting applications right away, just save your drafts and take a break from it for a while.  I wrote and rewrote the homeschool supplement stuff a dozen times, then had to severely edit it because it was far too long!!  The stress will be there waiting for you when you get back to it, but somehow it becomes more manageable, well not manageable, but it becomes a familiar stress and obsession that doesn't quite overwhelm you. Until you are overwhelmed again and you come here looking for support!

 

Support and encouragement will be here all year, from the other moms in the trenches as well as from veterans who survived to tell the tale!

[Gwen in VA]

Sometime this fall or winter your dd will receive an acceptance letter. She will smile and move on with her life. You will cry, jump and down, and start dancing on the ceiling.

 

Why the difference in response?

 

Her education is a result of the millions of thoughtful decisions that you have made over nearly two decades. You poured blood, sweat, and tears into it. You own it. And that education will be judged. And that's a scary though -- all of us get nervous when our work is judged.

 

But you have walked with your kid. You have listened to your kid. You have adjusted her education so it truly fits her, not just some generic "person". She has received a personalized education that has been soaked in love.

 

She will do well. And if you have younger kids, you will sweat a lot less when they are seniors!

 

(My oldest two graduated back to back -- one one year and one the next. The following year I would literally wake up at night and thank God that I didn't have a senior in the house that year!)  BTW, I now have a 25yo who just graduated from grad school and is job-hunting. I think stressing over our kids comes with the name "mom"!

[J-rap]

You will be surprised.  My last one to graduate didn't have AP classes or advanced anything.  She was in one sport for one semester.  She had bit part in a couple plays.  Her grades were good but not amazing;  same with her ACT scores.  She did love to sing and participated in many choirs over the years.  We sat down one day and listed any and everything we could think of -- outside of school and traditional extra curricular activities -- to highlight on her college apps.  We started out with nothing, but eventually came up with a list two pages long!  It was nothing amazing, just all the little things that showed her interests, her dedication, her creativity, her perseverance, her thinking outside the box, her uniqueness.  I'm convinced that's why the five colleges she applied at accepted her.  I can think of no other reason.  You'll be able to come up with that list too!

 

 

[bettyandbob]

Would your dd look better with more DE/AP classes? Maybe. Maybe not  

 

Did you take a cookie cutter approach to  crafting  the perfect resume to get into the "right" school. It doesn't sound like it. And doing that can really backfire, with a kid who has no interest she's explored and no idea what she really likes. 

 

For one of my dd's classes this year i gave her a choice. The class that would really up her application is going to be difficult in terms of cost (we have to pay for DE in our state) and driving (we don't have a car for her). But we would make that work. My dd also dances. Because she is a senior her studio will guarantee she gets a solo during one of their performances this winter. She will not be dancing after this year. I asked her if she really wanted to give that up, because the college class (calc 2) would conflict with that. In the long run I believe she will have good memories of seeing her dance career through her last year of high school and that is important. In the long run it won't matter if she takes calc 2 in high school or college. 

 

Keep an open mind about colleges (erase all the "right" or "good" school stuff you hear). You and your dd can find a good fit. And you can know your dd will have a good sense of herself having had a chance to explore lifelong passions in your home. 

 

 

[ThisIsTheDay]

You focus on your own kid and her strengths rather than comparing to someone else--especially when you don't know the whole kid or the rest of their story.

 

It's true, your daughter may have done better academically in public school.  Mine too, but we (dd, me, dh) have never once wished she'd taken that path.

 

Your dd may not be Harvard material, but I think the majority of good schools out there are looking for well rounded kids who are a bit unique--exactly like a homeschooler who followed her passion and has test scores to back up a transcript.  THAT, I believe is what schools want and what a public school can't offer.

 

We've been there, done that.  My daughter followed a generally typical homeschool high school curriculum, not rigorous by any standards (especially here on the boards). In fact, we were v-e-r-y relaxed with school work.  Very.  She didn't work. She had minimal volunteer work and just a handful of extracurriculars. She had no SAT II, CLEP, IB, AP. She had four DE classes her senior year.  She also spent much time following personal passions that I highlighted on her transcript. Her uniqueness stood out, she was accepted by several colleges and chose to enter an honors program at a very good public university.

She transitioned incredibly well into college life. She's made Dean's List for 3 of 4 semesters. She's challenged herself and had fantastic feedback from many professors.  

 

Don't wish you'd changed the last four years just to look good for a college.  Be grateful for the opportunities your daughter had at home, for what she DID do!

 

Except her bedroom.  In my experience, it would have been a losing battle, and after two years of dorm life, dd kindly keeps her door mostly closed when she's home.  :D

[prim*rose]

Have you read the book, "How to be a High School Superstar" by Cal Newport? It mentions what ThisIsTheDay talks about above - focus on passions, and outside interests, not solely academics. I'm just reading it with my 14 year old, and it's a big eye-opener (especially when she was stressing out because one of the kids in her online class last year was taking 7 AP courses in one year). 

Hang in there!

[FaithManor]

I have to really look at self care this year. This past year was so hard on us since ds and I were recovering from a terrible auto accident and significant injuries on top of it being his senior year, and he in particular suffered terribly. It was hard, the stress was so thick, as the saying goes, "you could cut it with a knife."

So, I was looking forward to putting this behind us and having a much easier year with P who is a rising senior.

 

The best laid plans of mice and men.....

 

Ds has had a major set back with his leg, spasms, intense pain, new physical therapy regimen, and back on muscle relaxants and prescription pain killers. He can't drive. If this is not resolved before his first day of classes - at this point it does not look good - I will have to take on driving him to school four days per week, driving the hour back home, homeschooling the other two and doing all of the crazy that goes with having another high school senior, and then drive back to pick him up. U of MI has offered a driver and golf cart for getting him around campus this fall since he can't walk very far. A glimmer of hope - he road his bike for a mile the other day and only asked for Tylenol and not prescription med afterward.

 

I am stressed. Very stressed, and heartbroken for my son. I know this can snowball, and it could cause depression so dh and I are looking at scheduling not only counseling if I need it, but also down time specifically for me every single week. He is going to play hardball with his boss and stop working so much unpaid overtime - he is a salaried IT worker so the pressure to give wayyyy above and beyond the call of duty to the employer is huge - so that he can do some evening homeschooling with the other two thus relieving some pressure on me. My mom is going to help get ds back and forth to PT in between his classes, and we might get lucky and be able to schedule some evening PT which would be better for him and for me.

 

Our dd is having a baby in February and some how, some way, I have to find time to be with her. I want to...it's not a matter of that...just juggling it all. We are going to start up homeschooling on Aug. 3 so we get a month in before eldest ds's college schedule begins in the hopes that this will allow me to take time off in February. Thankfully my first grand baby is not due in the middle of fall college applications and scholarship competitions. I think that might have driven me right over the edge because I don't think there is any way I could go to New York to be with her after the baby is born.

 

I also need to remind myself regularly that this too shall pass. Don't get so bogged down in the day to day that I forget that this won't last forever. It's just a season, and relief is ahead. I also need to make sure that I don't allow my own stress to put a damper on the spirits of my very enthusiastic senior. So, down time and self care has to has to has to be just as important as everything else.

 

As a result of everything that is happening, we will probably not mentor the 4-H rocket team this year. That has really upset our youngest, but we don't see any other option, but we have been able to replace it with a robotics competition that is less demanding on our time, more flexible, and suits him well. He loves robotics.

 

I will be around a lot asking all of you to keep me accountable on both maintaining a strict schedule as well as the self care thing so I don't go off the rails.

[Luckymama]

Oh FaithManor :grouphug:

[MysteryJen]

(((FaithManor))). Senior year for ds1 was so, so stressful. It is worse for homeschooling moms just because of all the paperwork. You are reviewing everything you did or failed to do and comparing it with the perfect. The first acceptance really, really lifts the weight. Apply early to a safety that is affordable and has good options. That acceptance for us was like gold. It got us through the common app and scholarship days.

 

Dd1 is being bombarded by college programs. It is like compressing everything about senior year into three months. For me, the stress is less because I am done with my end (NCAA stuff) until she graduates. A few applications and that is it. For her, the stress is ongoing. She is on the phone with coaches most of the time she is not in the water or at a meet. Money talks, coaches wanting home visits (okay, that is stressful for me), the phone ringing at all hours, this has been crazy.

[8filltheheart]

I must have missed that email on hs2coll.  I haven't been reading them this summer, just hitting delete.

 

Really and truly, unless your goals are elite, competitive schools, none of those extra things matter.  They don't need APs, ECs, or anything beyond your standard high school transcript and avg test scores.  

 

Applying to college can be as high stress or as low stress as you make it.  I have had 2 college application processes that were pretty stress-free.  I had one that was over-the-top stressful.  I refuse to go that route again.  It was just so not worth it.    

[Miss Marple]

One thing I've learned through this process is that it is never too late.  Perhaps a student is unprepared for a competitive university...it's OK to go the CC route and transition later.  Our kids need to make their own educational choices after high school. Hopefully they will get advice and heed that which appears to be in their best interest.  But many times they don't.  And sometimes life happenings make it difficult to do the homeschool job as we would want to do it...but in the end, the student still has every opportunity that other students have.  It's just that they have to make the choice to do it....even if they are doing it later than other students.

 

I think our kids pick up on our stress...we all stress about doing it right...and they in turn stress over college selections, acceptances, scholarships, etc. There are so many voices out there telling us the "right" way to do it, the "godly" way to do it, the "rigorous" way to do it, the "gentle" way to do it...in the end, there is really only one way to do it and that's the way that works best for your family.  If I could give one piece of advice to any homeschooler, it would be to find your groove and work diligently in it.  Ignore all the other voices except the one inside you.  Second guessing ourselves is just part of being a mom; hopefully it leads us to make better decisions rather than demoralizing us about the job we are doing.

 

 

 

[MysteryJen]

I delete all hs2coll digests. By this time, you are the one who really knows your kid. Trust yourself. Easier to say than do, but really try to listen hard to your voice.

 

I am trying to take my own advice today.

[Miss Marple]

This article just came across my facebook feed.  Thought it was timely :)

 

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/04/24/opinion/david-brooks-love-and-merit.html?smid=fb-share&_r=0

[JanetC]

Thanks for all the responses. I don't think unsubscribing to hs2coll is the answer ... there are a lot of people here on WTM who are way more academic than my family, too. It's good to keep the ego in check sometimes, I just don't want to be sinking in a pit of despair!!  I don't let my kid pity party, so I shouldn't do it myself, either!!!!  :nopity: Most of the schools on her list have at least a 60% acceptance rate, so she will get in to places. It's just stressful right now, trying to take stock of everything we've done and figure out what it is really "worth."

 

To FaithManor, special hugs!  Wishing your son health and healing. :grouphug:

[justkeepswimming]

I read your original post, but just now had the time to reply. I'm in the same exact boat. DD is plugging along, working her hind-end off  and I'm in the background, chewing my fingernails (figuratively, lol) and second-third-fourth guessing every single decision I've made since she was in 1st grade.

 

I truly feel that 100% of the POSITIVE things are dd's alone. HER accomplishments, HER achievements, HER hard work...

 

But those things I'm wondering about/worrying about now... man... those decisions were mine and mine alone. No one else I can pawn it off on. And, man, there are one or a dozen of those. :mellow: 

[bettyandbob]

 

But those things I'm wondering about/worrying about now... man... those decisions were mine and mine alone. No one else I can pawn it off on. And, man, there are one or a dozen of those. :mellow:

 

That is the hard part of homeschooling. 

 

You will get through senior year. It's truly hard not to second guess everything along the way. 

[-M-]

This article just came across my facebook feed.  Thought it was timely :)

 

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/04/24/opinion/david-brooks-love-and-merit.html?smid=fb-share&_r=0

 

This:

 

On the one hand, many of the parents in these families are extremely close to their children. They communicate constantly. But the whole situation is fraught. These parents unconsciously regard their children as an arts project and insist their children go to colleges and have jobs that will give the parents status and pleasure — that will validate their effectiveness as dads and moms.

 

Gosh. I used to write about the "professionalization" of motherhood. This is the result. The kids become the parents' report cards or year-end reviews.

[-M-]

[edited out most of post]

 

Am I the only one who's going to be up in the middle of the night wondering, "What if I've totally messed this up???"

 

Everyone has experienced some doubt, and I think it may, in fact, be a bit more stressful for the home educator. It's not easy to trod an unconventional path and then hope to arrive at a conventional destination, after all. As another poster so wisely pointed out, though, even if there have been missteps, contrary to what too many maintain, it is *never* too late to redress educational "wrongs." If you can't get there this way, try that way. That way is blocked? There's another.

 

[JanetC]

 

Gosh. I used to write about the "professionalization" of motherhood. This is the result. The kids become the parents' report cards or year-end reviews.

 

Literally! Gotta put this article up for those who haven't seen it yet...

 

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/05/17/opinion/sunday/poor-little-rich-women.html

 

 

A wife bonus, I was told, might be hammered out in a pre-nup or post-nup, and distributed on the basis of not only how well her husband’s fund had done but her own performance — how well she managed the home budget, whether the kids got into a “good†school — the same way their husbands were rewarded at investment banks. .

 

 

[elegantlion]

When I gave ds his diploma, I reminded him this was his accomplishment, not mine. He did the work, he found some interests, his diploma has his name on it, not mine. I accomplished something too, but it was outside of his. 

 

Senior year was a wild ride. My dad was hospitalized numerous times, me being at school all day for 2-3 days a week. Trying to figure out the guidance counselor thing. 

 

In the end, I have an average student with non-average interests. He ended up applying just to my school, low stress admittance, and may transfer out in a few years. He wants to get done with college and move on with life. He will need a degree to reach his goals and knows that. He also wants as little debt as possible. 

 

His high school years weren't everything I hoped. I had to deal with a divorce, aging parents, me being a full-time student, and balancing all that with the disappointment. He's laid back and happy with the trajectory right now. That makes a huge difference to me. 

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I spent my son's senior year not even caring about his academics nor about his future career. I just wanted him to survive his illness and heal, emotionally, spiritually, physically...just to "be there" for his own future. The details didn't matter.

 

We graduated him ahead of schedule, applied to colleges, filled out the forms, said "Wahooo" over scholarships and awards...yet all of it was secondary to the real stress going on. 

 

I guess I'm saying that "senior stress" did not apply more to me, as a homeschool mom, with our extenuating circumstances. Instead, the homeschool reality of not really giving a durn about status or competition, opting out of the game and being ourselves, as long as the child is healthy and happy -- that's what kicked in and saw us through.

 

So much so that I'm planning on emphasizing that difference for my other children, as they approach the end of their homeschooling experience. We don't become hoop jumpers and people pleasers at the expense of self-actualization and personal growth. We take the other end of the stick: Know ourselves, and grow and learn, and then look up to see what our place in the world might be.

[Mom22ns]

Sometime this fall or winter your dd will receive an acceptance letter. She will smile and move on with her life. You will cry, jump and down, and start dancing on the ceiling.

 

This. This is exactly how it worked here.