HELP! How do I get away from this woman?

[Tohru]

Please don't quote because I'll probably delete later, just in case she's here too.

 

I've known this person for awhile, we aren't great friends, but know each other and are on friendly terms. Our children play together when they see each other.

 

In the past, I tried to be friends with her, but I'm at a point that I don't want to invest more energy into the relationship because she's a bit superficial, sometimes she makes these cynical, passive-aggressive remarks to me, and her actions indicate she's only looking out for what can benefit her.

 

Summer is upon us. I see her often already, but a few weeks ago she started asking me about the activities we're doing and as the gullible, friendly person I am, I thought it was out of interest or casual conversation. Well, she has now signed her child up for everything we're signed up for too.

 

I am in tears, of frustration. It feels like she's stolen and taken over all my resources. I want my child (and myself) to have a social life that doesn't include her or her child, but now I get to see her several times a week for the entire summer. :( I feel intruded upon and there isn't anything I can do.

 

How do you get away from some one like this? What would you do? Am I reacting incorrectly?

 

 

[Jyhwkmama]

Wear headphones and read a book while at the activities. Say something like. "I have been waiting for summer when I can catch up on my reading!"

 

From here on out, stop the info train.

[Cammie]

Deep breath.

 

She hasn't taken or stolen anything from you.  She has piggybacked on your ideas for sure.

 

Be kind.  It is a lesson for your kids.  Sometimes in life we have to be around people we don't enjoy.  We can still be nice people.  You don't have to be best friends with her.  You don't have to agree to any extra time/activities with her.  Bring a book along and tell her it is your only time to read.  Save certain phone calls you need to make until you will be around her.

 

Everything will be fine.

[KungFuPanda]

I'd be tempted to change a camp plan if possible just to reduce the exposure.

[SKL]

Can you drop your kids off and scram?  :p  Or bring your laptop and have some really important work you need to do?  Or get someone else to drive your kids to the camps / activities?

[mathnerd]

I usually excuse myself to step outside and make a phone call at my child's activities if I see someone like this who I want to avoid. I might just call my DH and say that I am trying to avoid this person and so he can just ignore me while I talk nonsense :) (we speak a language that is not commonly understood, so I can get away with it). I also wear my jogging clothes when I drop off my son at his activity - I just say that I am going out for a run or walk and take off. Take a deep breath - use this as a learning experience - next time, just say that you are so confused about what options to pick as there are so many available, if she asks.

[klmama]

Do the kids get along?  Does she live close by?  I might be tempted to see if you could work out carpooling with her for at least one of the activities so your dd could still go, but you wouldn't have to interact with the mom while there and could have some REAL free time.  You could alternate weeks for who drives to the Thursday class, or have one of you always do the Monday event and the other always do Thursday. 

[Cammie]

I've been thinking a little more.

 

If it was me, I would try to see this as my personal growth challenge for the summer.  Every day I would try and think of one nice thing to say to her.  I would try to think of one nice thing about her each day as well.  And I would try and remember that everyone we meet has personal struggles we would never know about.

 

I know it is HARD.  I have people in my life I find challenging too but for various reasons we are thrown together frequently. (Same social circle.)  Sometimes it is more difficult than others but I try to conduct myself in a way I can be pround if someday I learn about their struggle.

[SKL]

There is a lady whose kid does dance and gymnastics with mine, and she latched onto me one day, thinking we were soul sisters WRT being used, abused, unappreciated, self-loathing, trying to find ourselves, etc.  Not sure how that happened, but I found something else to do during those classes, LOL.  She eventually got the hint.

[Tohru]

I've been thinking a little more.

 

If it was me, I would try to see this as my personal growth challenge for the summer.  Every day I would try and think of one nice thing to say to her.  I would try to think of one nice thing about her each day as well.  And I would try and remember that everyone we meet has personal struggles we would never know about.

 

I know it is HARD.  I have people in my life I find challenging too but for various reasons we are thrown together frequently. (Same social circle.)  Sometimes it is more difficult than others but I try to conduct myself in a way I can be pround if someday I learn about their struggle.

 

Yes, I've tried this. I've known her for awhile, we're friendly to each other. I just don't want to give more energy to some one that keeps sucking and sucking it and doesn't reciprocate. She's stepping into my social circle and using me as the person that invited her, but I didn't: "Tohru said ya'll are getting together for park day, I'm going to join the group and RSVP to all of them too."

[Joker]

I think the only thing you can do is to stop telling her your plans. She's not wrong for hearing about something her dc would like and then joining. I would just stop telling her my future plans and make sure my dc did as well.

[Katy]

People who are passive aggressive are usually, but not always, desperately insecure. Sometimes they just have a personality disorder.

 

Your kids are friends, or are at least friendly.  I wouldn't outright ruin that for them. 

 

I'm thinking she at the very least admires and wants to be more like you, and possibly wants to be friends.  Even if she has no social skills and is obnoxious to be around. So if you can't change all the activities, you can try to change her by being the opposite of passive aggressive.  Create amazing boundaries.  Like, the next time she says something insulting, screw up your face and say something like:

• "Ouch"
• "That was harsh"
• "That was rude"
• "I'm sorry?" (Incredulous tone)
• Repeat what she said with a WTF look and a questioning tone

 

Basically, act as if you absolutely understood what she just said and you're not going to put up with it.  If she has no social skills and didn't mean to be a complete #itch, she'll apologize.  If she's a passive aggressive personality disorder nutcase, she won't be able to deal with being called on her crap and she'll start avoiding you.

[Tohru]

People who are passive aggressive are usually, but not always, desperately insecure. Sometimes they just have a personality disorder.

 

Your kids are friends, or are at least friendly.  I wouldn't outright ruin that for them. 

 

I'm thinking she at the very least admires and wants to be more like you, and possibly wants to be friends.  Even if she has no social skills and is obnoxious to be around. So if you can't change all the activities, you can try to change her by being the opposite of passive aggressive.  Create amazing boundaries.  Like, the next time she says something insulting, screw up your face and say something like:

• "Ouch"
• "That was harsh"
• "That was rude"
• "I'm sorry?" (Incredulous tone)
• Repeat what she said with a WTF look and a questioning tone

 

Basically, act as if you absolutely understood what she just said and you're not going to put up with it.  If she has no social skills and didn't mean to be a complete #itch, she'll apologize.  If she's a passive aggressive personality disorder nutcase, she won't be able to deal with being called on her crap and she'll start avoiding you.

 

Oh goodness! You are amazing. I busted up laughing, Absolutely, yes, these are great ideas and good points. Thank you. I guess it's never too late to start asking for blunt clarification :)

 

[Katy]

Thanks.  Though I should clarify, when I said people who are passive aggressive are usually insecure, what I meant was women who are passive aggressive are insecure.

 

If a husband is acting passive aggressive, that's a completely different dynamic.

 

 

ETA:  Just noted in case someone here (not the OP) is dealing with a passive aggressive husband.

[bettyandbob]

Drop off early and run.

 

Be sure all directors/counsellors know that your child and the other child are not BFFs. Ask them to pair your child with others for partner and group activities.

 

Have specific errands you run, so you don't sit and wait. Or know where good places for you to be are nearby (library, coffee shop)

 

Be first to pick up and have plans after activities.

 

Get grandma, dh, or pay someone to pick up sometimes.

[Cera]

I had a similar situation last summer and wound up speaking with the directors of a couple of our activities about the situation and having my child switched to another activity offered by the same organization.  

 

They were very understanding about it.  

[Closeacademy]

Other side of the story could be:

 

You know, her kid might really like yours and want to be friends and she may be lonely and is hoping that maybe this time it might actually work out for her.  And that by signing up for the same activities they can develop friendships.  But it sounds like it probably won't and she will be out of the loop yet again.  I kind of feel bad for her and that the passive-aggressive thing is probably something that she uses to protect herself because she knows that they are going to be hurt and rejected yet again.  But she keeps hoping that it may be for real.

 

Or at least that's what I would feel like in that situation.  Sorry, but I'd try a little harder to maybe see if there is a relationship worth salvaging and maybe she's reaching out hoping for a friend.

[DawnM]

I am sorry.

 

At this point you may have to just put up with it.  

 

How did she find out what activities you were signed up for?  Did she ask you?

 

If she asks in the future I wouldn't tell her.

[Mimm]

Aw that is a drag. Stop telling her things in the future but she just make be unavoidable this summer. Can you change what day you're doing something? Like if you signed up your kids for Tuesday swim lessons, can you change to Wednesday or something? Then just tell her you had a scheduling conflict and it messed up a bunch of things if she asks. Some other good suggestions on this thread.

 

Though it's clear she actually likes you. Maybe she doesn't realize she's making those comments and honestly confronting her and saying, "Hey, do you mean to sound like you're saying XYZ when you say that? That's kind of hurtful." Might help her realize how she's coming across and help you tolerate her more. But I know it can be hard to bring up that kind of thing.

 

[kbutton]

Though it's clear she actually likes you. Maybe she doesn't realize she's making those comments and honestly confronting her and saying, "Hey, do you mean to sound like you're saying XYZ when you say that? That's kind of hurtful." Might help her realize how she's coming across and help you tolerate her more. But I know it can be hard to bring up that kind of thing.

 

:iagree:

 

And I'm sorry she's horned in on your territory. 

 

I've tried the blunt thing mentioned earlier (didn't go well), and I this is a better approach in case she's clueless (not everyone is neurotypical). The person I tried the blunt approach on has turned out to be very much not neurotypical, and it's not helped at all. It makes things worse and brings on more passive-aggressive behavior. In my case, it's extended family, and there is no avoiding it. It colors every big family event with that part of the family. We've shut down the information train a lot, and that does help, but there is not way to completely avoid.

 

I hope, for your sake, that she's just a bit clueless or sensitive, but in a redeemable way. It would be lovely if a conversation about this turned her into a great friend. It can happen.

 

Ignoring would be my last strategy. I hate being ignored, especially if I'd read things wrong and honestly didn't mean to intrude or be offensive. I am not socially clueless, but some people are hard to read, and give off mixed signals. Not that you are doing this, but she could have experienced that elsewhere and be really edgy about it going forward. I've shown up for things where there was no formal meetup--everyone in said group was invited and going to be at a certain event, but no one was really going to be pairing off. Wrong. It was clear they'd all divided up ahead of time. My husband was with me, and even he could feel the arctic blast of being left out in the cold. I tend to be kind of edgy in the future after such things; it's hard to not be jaded or bring that into a situation where I feel less than sure of the outcome.

[Tammyla]

You can't change her, but you can change you and your reaction to her.  That of course doesn't mean you need to be rude, just put up some boundaries and remind yourself of who she is when you are spending time together.  

 

(Double remind yourself to keep a lid on your plans for any future activities if you want a little freedom.  You could vague or give her false info, but that seems a little harsh and probably not necessary if you can set some boundaries.)

 

Try to enjoy your summer.  I've found that setting boundaries can be a relationship saver or an ender.  The book(s) BOUNDARIES by Cloud and Townsend as really good resources at setting healthy boundaries.