snowbeltmom Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 My son did not want to have a graduation party. Instead, he wanted to have a small party to thank various people who have helped him growing up. He has invited some of his childhood coaches, doctors he has conducted research with, his mentor, etc. The invitations went out weeks ago. They were all addressed as Mr. & Mrs. (or some variation depending on title). The party is tomorrow night. My son is planning to recognize his guests individually and is working on preparing what he is going to say. I just received a text message from one of the guests saying that he wants to make sure that it is ok for him and his wife to bring their three kids. I hate saying no to people, but I really don't want three kids under 7 at the dinner. Is it rude of me to say that this is an adults only party? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ethel Mertz Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 I don't think it is rude to say that, but keep in mind that if you do say that, it may mean that the guest and his wife may not be able to come. 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 No, it is not. It is rude of people to ask, at the last minute, to bring uninvited guests. Jumping to conclusions here - I bet they forgot or otherwise neglected to get a babysitter. So it would not be rude to say "sorry, we can't accommodate children" at all. But be prepared for them not to come. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slipper Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 I would reply that as far as you know, none of the other guests will be bringing their children and you have not made any arrangements for a sitter or entertainment for kids (especially those that young!). I would then suggest to them a few names they might try to contact to babysit that night (assuming that you know some sitters). 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 My son did not want to have a graduation party. Instead, he wanted to have a small party to thank various people who have helped him growing up. He has invited some of his childhood coaches, doctors he has conducted research with, his mentor, etc. The invitations went out weeks ago. They were all addressed as Mr. & Mrs. (or some variation depending on title). The party is tomorrow night. My son is planning to recognize his guests individually and is working on preparing what he is going to say. I just received a text message from one of the guests saying that he wants to make sure that it is ok for him and his wife to bring their three kids. I hate saying no to people, but I really don't want three kids under 7 at the dinner. Is it rude of me to say that this is an adults only party? Technically, only the people whose names are on the envelope are actually invited, so it would be rude for one of the guests to ask to bring his children. You may say, regretfully, that you are only having adults. And yes, he might not be able to attend because child care is not available. Such is life. FTR, I love your son. Well done. :-) 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heatherwith4 Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 I would just say, "I'm sorry, this is an adults only party." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SereneHome Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 What does your son thinks? Is he going to be OK if this person doesn't come, bc I think others are right - there is about 99% chance that they don't have child care 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Butter Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 I'd go with what your son wants. Chances are very good they will not be there if they can't bring their kids. Also, you do not know for sure no others will bring their kids. Many people do not pay attention to or keep the outer envelope of an invitation. I know I don't. I'd never even notice if something was addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Us. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
plansrme Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 I see their point. A sitter would cost them $60 minimum around here, and that is a lot for a high school graduation party. Most graduation parties my kids have attended have been informal, festive affairs, not formal seated dinners, and plenty of people have brought their kids. So I do not think it was rude of them to ask for clarity on that point, but as others have noted, I would expect there is a strong possibility that the couple or at least the mom would stay home rather than spring for a sitter for something that is probably more important to you and your son than it is to them. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 I'd go with what your son wants. Chances are very good they will not be there if they can't bring their kids. Also, you do not know for sure no others will bring their kids. Many people do not pay attention to or keep the outer envelope of an invitation. I know I don't. I'd never even notice if something was addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Us. But then how do you know who is included in the invitation? We just received an invitation to a graduation party, addressed to Mr and Mrs. Whew! We don't have to drag our kids! (But they don't need a babysitter.) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Butter Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 But then how do you know who is included in the invitation? We just received an invitation to a graduation party, addressed to Mr and Mrs. Whew! We don't have to drag our kids! (But they don't need a babysitter.) Honestly, I always assume the whole family is invited, particularly for something like a graduation party (we're talking mailed invitation - birthday parties for little kids and such are different). I've never had a relative have an adults only wedding. We don't know people who don't invite full families to things, actually. Of course now that we have built-in baby-sitters, if it's not something they kids would enjoy/have friends who will be there, we just leave them home anyway. They prefer it that way. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Serenade Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 for something that is probably more important to you and your son than it is to them. I think this is a valid point. If it were important for my son to honor this person, then I'd be OK with the kids coming along. I wouldn't want the honoree to have to spend money to attend. I'd see if it were OK to serve the kids a pizza with a movie in another room. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 I think this is a valid point. If it were important for my son to honor this person, then I'd be OK with the kids coming along. I wouldn't want the honoree to have to spend money to attend. I'd see if it were OK to serve the kids a pizza with a movie in another room. But, I'd be annoyed if I went to the trouble of getting a sitter and Joe was allowed to bring his kids. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vonfirmath Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 But, I'd be annoyed if I went to the trouble of getting a sitter and Joe was allowed to bring his kids. Why? Did you ask to bring your kid and was told no? That's the only circumstance I can see being annoyed someone else had kids when I got a babysitter. But even then there may be circumstances I don't know about. There are events I choose to NOT take my kids to and get a babysitter and get there to find other parents and other kids. But my first reaction is not "Shoot, all that money I wasted on a babysitter" -- it is often peace. Because I don't enjoy an event in the same way when I am watching/worrying about kids and their behavior. And these events are also ones my kids enjoy having fun with the babysitter rather than be on their best behavior with us. (husband and I) 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 I think it's fine for people to ask for clarity - exactly who is invited - but not the day before the party. The invitations went out weeks ago. They should have asked when they got theirs, so that if the answer was no, sorry, no kids, they would have time to plan ahead. Or, they could have declined immediately which would have given the hosts time to brainstorm a solution. For example, OP might know someone who could come to her house to watch their kids so the parents (or one parent) doesn't have to stay home. The day before is just too late to be doing that. And, yes, then there will be the problem of people who did get and possibly pay for childcare, only to find that they didn't need to after all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snowbeltmom Posted May 8, 2015 Author Share Posted May 8, 2015 Thanks, everyone for your replies. I never have figured out how to multi-quote, but here is some more information that I didn't put in the OP. This is not a graduation party, and the invitations made that clear. The invitation said it was a "thank you" party and that my son was requesting that no one bring a gift for him as this was a dinner to thank them. The dinner is not going to be held at our house; it is going to be held at a country club. The invitations stated that there would be a cocktail hour followed by dinner. I honestly thought that addressing the invitations only to "Mr. and Mrs". would have made it clear that this was for adults only. My son wants this person at the dinner. I have texted back and said that no one else is bringing children, but his children are welcome. I have not heard back, and am hoping that they are able to find childcare because, honestly, I would prefer not to have a toddler running around. That being said, in the grand scheme of things, I know this shouldn't be a big deal. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 Thanks for the update. Given the additional details - that the invitation was clear it is not a graduation party but a thank you dinner, mention of cocktail hour, and the venue itself - it should have been clear to the people that it was an adult occasion. Or at least, they should have asked sooner. You are a good person to let them bring their kids. I would be really annoyed but probably would have done the same, through gritted teeth and with much seething. I hope they do find a sitter, but if they don't, I hope the kids behave beautifully and everyone has a lovely time! 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gracefor5 Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 I always check the envelope address. Our family is super large so it's very common for wedding or dinners like you are describing to be adult affairs only. Unless there's an "and family" I assume it's going to be a nice peaceful evening with only my hubby. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snowbeltmom Posted May 8, 2015 Author Share Posted May 8, 2015 . I hope they do find a sitter, but if they don't, I hope the kids behave beautifully and everyone has a lovely time! Thanks. I just realized that if they bring their kids, there won't be enough room at their table. Ugh. I guess it is good that they checked with me today rather than the 5 of them showing up tomorrow night and not having enough seating for everyone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 Thanks. I just realized that if they bring their kids, there won't be enough room at their table. Ugh. I guess it is good that they checked with me today rather than the 5 of them showing up tomorrow night and not having enough seating for everyone. Could you ask the venue to set up a kids' table, and recruit a young family member to supervise them? I realize they are most likely not close friends so that might not work out - the kids may not be comfortable at a table separate from their parents. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snowbeltmom Posted May 8, 2015 Author Share Posted May 8, 2015 Could you ask the venue to set up a kids' table, and recruit a young family member to supervise them? I realize they are most likely not close friends so that might not work out - the kids may not be comfortable at a table separate from their parents. Thanks for the suggestion, but I am not sure the toddler would want to be separated. I think I am going to ask that another table be set up and if the couple brings their kids, I will place the 5 of them at another table since each table only seats 6. The party is under 30 people so there will be enough space in the room I have reserved to put up another table. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 I vote for asking your son about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lynn Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 There is nothing wrong with having an adult only party and to tell this person that the party is adult only. I have had to decline a couple invites because I did not have a sitter for adult only invites. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QuirkyKapers Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 Can you text the guests the day of the party to confirm they are or aren't bringing their children? This way you would know whether the extra table would be needed or not. I think your response was very diplomatic. :) Are you having assigned seating? I would put the family on the side or near the back. That way if they need to leave quickly with one of the kids they can and it won't be disruptive to your son's plan. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Butter Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 Given the venue and details, I'd've been really happy to get a sitter and have some adult time... even if my kids were invited. But some people don't do baby-sitters or can't afford them or whatever. The good news is by them asking you've got a heads up and have been able to think through what to do with the seating if the kids do come! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldberry Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 The invitations stated that there would be a cocktail hour followed by dinner. I honestly thought that addressing the invitations only to "Mr. and Mrs". would have made it clear that this was for adults only. These two things together should have definitely made it clear. (I wanna come... :) sounds like a nice evening!) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 As the guest I would probably send the parent being thanked and the other would stay home with the kids. I would not want to pay for a sitter to attend (as the non-honoree), and I would not want to take my children and inconvenience you. If we were both being thanked, I would send whichever of us was truly most engaged in the graduate's life. My guess is that this is what will happen. But of they being the kids, being accommodating and good natured about it is probably a great way to say 'thank you.' 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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