3in9th Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 ETA: deleting Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lawana Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 I am sorry for what you are going through. Bottom line: put up with her the way she is or leave. She isn't changing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JFSinIL Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 Could the kids switch to a different activity that is whole body, like martial arts or gymnastics? Or would everyone be happier with a nicer, yet less high quality, instruction elsewhere? Let your kids know this is a possibility and see what they think and want to do. They may want to stick it to with this jerk teacher if they value the instruction itself, since they have so much time invested in it. Make it their call. If they want to stay with the jerk, feel free to come here to vent as needed about her. Good luck! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
.... Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 My youngest does ballet and it looks like we're doing this long-term. I would seriously just find another dance studio. Our ballet school is not the greatest. They really need new floors and some new equipment. But, the teacher is so calm, positive and laid-back...it's priceless. Your school might be a good one, but kids learn so much more when they aren't stressed out by the teacher/environment, too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 I am super sympathetic. We have been at our studio for like 5+ years and my 10 year old dances 4 days a week + rehearsals. The artistic director I have had my eyes on for years and she has hurt my daughter in many ways this year. She seems to be a narcissist and runs her performances with extreme nepotism involved. There are a number of kids in dd's age range that have parents with close ties to the studio. The kids there on scholarship with parents doing work exchange also have generally a good relationship with AD and get special treatment. We pay full tuition which is not cheap. I am up to my eyeballs. On the other hand, some of the teachers here are sweet and amazing and it is a strong studio. The people on artistic director's good side are happy as clams. Some of them acknowledge she is a jerk in small ways. I want to punch someone when I walk through the door at this point. I have been a huge volunteer the past years and supporter, but I have had to back way down. They are currently in show rehearsals and I do not want to complain or confront while it is still going on or I may come off as the insane parent. I literally could write a bulleted list with the ways my dd has been hurt and $crewed over there this year. We are for sure there through spring recitals, but I am not sure what to do from there. At a minimum dd will not be auditioning for the big show and the summer intensive run by the artistic director next year. Dd actually loves this studio and wants to stay. I get the feeling every studio has it's own set of politics and issues. As a parent, I am just ready for some different drama. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 If the quality of instruction is worth the drama, stay. If it isn't, leave. Your own choices are the only thing you have any control over. We also are at a dance studio with the best instruction in the area, but everyone knows that the price you pay to be at this school is "putting up with (teacher) ..." Not quite the same issues as yours, but definitely a challenging to work with personality. My DD is thriving so it is worth it to us; if you are past the point of thriving and are instead just barely coping, it's probably time to move on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 If you need to stay, get her properly fitted for shoes by someone else. Either at your current studio, another studio or a dance shop. Your dd's feet are important. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
merry gardens Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 The words "Artistic temperament" come to my mind when the dance teacher with a difficult personality also manages to be capable of helping your daughter to dance her best. That's not to say that everyone who achieves excellence in the arts is crazy, but there's a certain amount of crazy often found in those areas. You found it. Personally, I'd switch dance schools after the spring performances. While we like dance, but we do it primarily for enjoyment. The kind of thing you described would seriously detract from our enjoyment. I'd also buy another pair of dance shoes that fit properly, but I'd find another place do the fitting and buy the shoes from there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
3in9th Posted February 6, 2015 Author Share Posted February 6, 2015 ETA: deleting Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skimomma Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 We were in a similar situation with an extracurricular activity several years ago. We chose sanity over excellence. My dd was quite good but was never going to be a professional in the activity so we were OK with taking lesser instruction. Our decision may have been different if it were something that could really go somewhere long-term....but probably not. I have little tolerance for that sort of drama and even less for anything that is verbally/emotionally abusive to the students. "Artistic temperament" is not an excuse for unprofessional behavior. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 I would find another studio or if there is none, another sport. Really the ball is in your court as the parent, to protect your daughter's emotional and physical health. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 I would find another studio or if there is none, another sport. Really the ball is in your court as the parent, to protect your daughter's emotional and physical health. See I think this depends on the age of the child too. I also think it's damaging to just completely override my 10 1/2 year olds thoughts and desires. In our case, my kid knows this person is a jerk and that I do not approve of her behavoir or modus operandi. I have no problem calling out bad behavoir to my kids even if it isn't something we can really do anything about. There's a generally nice group of kids there (although, we have also recently had some mean girl crap and it stems from some of favoritism garbage that happens there) and some very sweet teachers. We may or may not be there in a year. I would love my dd to try some classes someplace else this summer and maybe fall in love with another studio. She already auditioned with another studio and performed with the Moscow Ballet, which was a great experience. I find this kind of thing a balancing act. If my child were 6 and new to dance and just trying out different activies, I would switch in a heartbeat. When your child has invested years in a skill set and is doing relatively well with it and wants to continue, it's quite a bit harder. Even for my own kid who will not likely go on in dance but I'm pretty sure would like to continue through high school. Who knows? I can't really speculate at this point. Now that I've watched dance for 6 years at a number of local studios things can really shift around during puberty. Some really strong 8 year olds can become very awkward 12 year olds and vice versa. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haiku Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 My kids play competitive hockey. There is a certain coach that a lot of parents try to avoid. He turns out good hockey players, but he also makes them miserable. Not worth it, imo. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanaqui Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 Are your kids planning becoming professional dancers? If not, it doesn't matter if they go to the second best dance school. If so, then you should remember that the dance world is oversaturated with highly trained, talented young dancers. If they reach adulthood and are totally burned out because of having a bad experience with a crappy, melodramatic teacher when young, they won't have a chance - if they even still want to by then. So they're better off with the second best dance school. Either way, sticking with this school is a bad choice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TechWife Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 Parenting decisions like this are not hard to make once you determine to make them with the best interests of your children and the entire family in mind. Every decision we make comes with an opportunity cost. If we choose A, we cannot do B, B is the opportunity cost. You have to decide if the quality of the instruction is worth the aggravation. If you choose the instruction, the opportunity to have greater peace of mind is the opportunity cost. If it is worth it to you, fine, but you have to find ways to deal with it that don't adversely affect your daughter or by extension, the entire family. Whether or not you leave this studio, you will need to get your daughter a new pair of shoes that fit. Don't dilly dally about it - just do it. It doesn't matter if this lady thinks they fit, they don't and you know they don't, so get a new pair of shoes. You said that the teacher measured her feet incorrectly - if the teacher isn't the studio owner, then you need to take the shoes to the studio owner and deal with her directly, asking for a replacement pair or a refund. This is a business issue, not an instructor issue. How they deal with it from a business perspective should inform whether or not you stay or go. Either way, she needs a new pair of shoes. Yes, they cost money, I don't doubt that, but you will need to count this as part of the cost of dealing with unreasonable people. If you decide to stay, then you need to have a plan to get her shoes elsewhere for the duration and you need to be able to make that decision and deal with any blowback from the studio in a professional manner, whether or not they are being professional about it. Additionally, i think you need to stop engaging this teacher about her behavior. It isn't productive and the chances are slim to none that you would have any impact on her at this point in her life. I'm at the end of my intense parenting journey - my son will go to college soon. I am living with a lot of mistakes that I made in dealing with other people in regards to my son and there are a lot of situations where I should have stood up for him more strongly than I did. This inaction directly affected not only the particular situations, but it also affected my relationship with my son. The bottom line is that the health and well being of your child and family are much more important than this teacher or your daughter taking lessons at this particular studio. Ballet is hard enough on the psyche and the feet, so it's up to you to solve the problem for her. This really isn't a hard decision when your child is your priority. I had to learn to take myself and my feelings out of the equation. Once I did that, parenting decisions became much easier, I just learned this lesson too late. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 What is your end goal? Are your kids going to be professional dancers or is this just a fun, healthy activity? Keeping the end in mind always helps me make decisions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reefgazer Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 Get fitted for shoes by someone else and find a new dance teacher? Hi, all! I've never posted on this board before, but as I can't really talk about this issue in too much detail IRL because I live in a small community, I thought I should reach out and ask advice/get commiseration here. My kids' dance teacher is, in a word, a narcissist. Like a clinical definition of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I first began to pick up on this years ago, but it has become increasingly worse over time and finally her behavior came to a head recently. She mismeasured my daughter for shoes. The shoes are so poor fitting that they won't even go on her feet. Throughout this process, the dance teacher has disregarded what my daughter has said about the shoes not fitting and my daughter is old enough to be trusted and also old enough that her feet are no longer growing. Not only that, but twice she has said my daughter is a "princess and the pea" regarding the shoe fitting, the latest directed toward another dance teacher. When we brought up both issues- the poor fitting shoes and the snarky comments- she was 1- not apologetic in the least and 2- absolutely refused to admit the shoes didn't fit. In fact, she admitted to the princess and the pea comments, but went on a tangent about them not being said behind my daughter's back. She also has a tendency to yell at students, my kids most especially. She is impossible to deal with. She is unprofessional and makes so many mistakes in her business that she is losing customers every year, which she compensates for by upping the prices of dance costumes, DVDs, and tickets sales to the recital rather than changing her behavior. Every year she becomes worse and worse. My biggest dilemma, however, is that her dance school provides the best instruction in the area. My kids are better dancers than I ever could imagine, but I can no longer deal with her craziness and it's really frustrating to pay her a couple thousand dollars a year for it. Any thoughts or help, I'm really torn up by all of this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Storygirl Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 How old is your child? Are these pointe shoes? It is imperative to get a good fitting for pointe shoes in particular, and for some dancers finding the right shoe is a difficult process. I would find a dance store where she could get a proper fitting from an expert. I would finish out this year at the studio, most likely, but would look around for some place else to dance in the future. We just switched ballet studios this past week, due to a move. Our old studio had a lot to offer, but we paid a price, and it wasn't all financial. There was a lot of stress and drama involved, and our Artistic Director was a difficult personality (though our family managed to stay on her good side). The training that DD (who wants to be pro) received was top notch, and my children had excellent performing opportunities, so we were willing to deal with the unpleasant parts. But they were still unpleasant, and I am relieved to be moving on to a studio that has a better environment. We are fortunate in that the new studio offers great training that will benefit DD in the long run, though the performing opportunities are much more limited. I am a firm believer in getting the best dance training that you can. I also think that dance benefits everyone, even those who don't want a professional career. But I also agree that going to the second-best studio in town is a better option than staying at the top studio while being mistreated. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
3in9th Posted February 7, 2015 Author Share Posted February 7, 2015 ETA: deleting Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G5052 Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 Thanks, everyone! Y'all have helped me make my decision and that's to finish out the year at the current studio and then leave for most pleasant pastures elsewhere. This teacher, who is also the owner so there's no getting around her, is toxic and causes weekly stress in our otherwise quite peaceful household. My daughter complains every single time she has her class and it's always about the teacher not the difficulty or anything else. Thanks again for your input; it's help me come to peace with determining what is the lesser of two evils in this case. Sounds like you have a plan :grouphug: . Having grown up with a NPD mother, I have very little tolerance for that sort of thing when my kids are involved. We are involved with martials arts with a group that is both demanding and supportive, and meet in a dance studio that is the same way. I've listened to the ballet teachers there while mine are in a different classroom, and you can demand a lot while being a decent human being. I'm always so impressed with how the ballet master there handles teenage angst in the more advanced classes. More than once I've heard him say in a firm but kind voice, "Your emotions are making it hard for you to dance well. Why don't you splash some water on your face, get a drink, and come back for the next song." Then he makes sure to complement them if they come back and are "together." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tsuga Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 Narcissistic people motivate others by putting them down. "See if you can be good enough for me." You have seen this in her interactions with you: by talking about the books, she is trying to see if she can get you to suck up to her, to want to be like her, perhaps by getting you to do free work for her. It is a very effective technique that works on nearly everyone, which is why some of the "best" coaches and teachers are actually narcissistic abusers. It takes much more talent to motivate people in a good way, but long term, it is the best way. Otherwise you risk turning out another narcissistic artistic temperament. I would not want my child in that environment but I understand that you are in a tough spot. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
3in9th Posted February 8, 2015 Author Share Posted February 8, 2015 perhaps by getting you to do free work for her. ETA: deleting Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tsuga Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 They're so bad, they belie her Ivy League education. She could be actually lying about it (people have been known to do so), though I've seen a few Ivy League grads who can't think or write. I have no idea what that is about. What is the professional ballerina like? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisbeth Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 Good choice! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
3in9th Posted February 8, 2015 Author Share Posted February 8, 2015 ETA: deleting Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tsuga Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 Oh darn. Still I could see staying in for the chance to practice with a real master. (What do they call masters of the arts if they are women? Still masters? Is that even an English term?) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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