Giving up the dream

[A home for their hearts]

Our homeschooling journey has been far from what I ever dreamt it would be.  We've had many struggles.  Learning hasn't come easy to my kids and teaching hasn't come easy for me.  I thought we would be able to overcome these obstacles.  I thought finding the right curriculum, the right educational philosophy, the right attitude would make my dream come to life.  I would have even settled for something that looked even remotely close to the dream.  However what I am living now is far from what I ever wanted.  I wanted my kids to love learning, they hate it.  I fear I have made them hate it.  We curriculum jumped too much, bounced back and forth from unschooling, Charlotte Mason, classical.  I was never secure enough in myself as a teacher and a mother to stay with one method or one curriculum too long.  Went something wasn't working I I would blame it on the method or the curriculum instead of looking inside and coming to the conclusion that I'm just not cut our for this.  I could probably write a whole book on my failure as a homeschooling mom.  Instead I'm writing this small post here to vent, to see how it looks in black and white, to try to refocus myself for what's ahead.  

 

My dd7 has told me on and off for the past year that she wants to go to school.  My husband and I have decided to let her.  Part of it breaks my heart. There was so much I wanted to do with her, I really wanted a second change to get it right.  Then I think to myself, I would probably just mess up again.  It's probably better that she has the desire to go to school, and go now while she's still young and still has a love for learning and doesn't feel stupid and is excited at the idea of getting to go.  

 

My heart breaks for now getting it right, for not doing a good job.  I see my children suffering.  My oldest two have done great this year.  We are still homeschooling them but things are finally beginning to click with them.  They still have some struggles but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.  My heart just breaks that I was never able to really enjoy this journey.

[OneStepAtATime]

Huge, huge hugs!   :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

 

[merry gardens]

(((hugs)))

Have you considered the possibility that these struggles may involve learning disabilities? After having felt pride, joy and success in my homeschooling my older children, I encountered dyslexia--and feelings of failure and discouragement.

[OneStepAtATime]

And have you ever read the book Homeschooling Your Struggling Learner by Kathy Kuhl?  It might help, even if you put your 7 year old in ps.

 

And I agree with Merry Gardens, you might want to consider the possibility that part of the issue is your children have some learning challenges or differences.  BTDT.  Read The Mislabeled Child by Brock and Fernette Eide.  See if anything in there speaks to you.

 

Best wishes.

[Critterfixer]

How is it failing to decide what educational opportunity will give your child the ability to make the most of it? Doesn't sound like failure to me.

[Elisabet1]

Home schoolers are the only ones to let their kids pick where they go. I never hear of private schoolers or public schoolers doubting their choices enough that they would allow the kids to demand to home school and go with it. 

 

I do not think you should send the child. I did. I regret it big time. It was a huge mistake. He was there almost 2 yrs and now he is almost 2 years behind academically.

[hornblower]

So - I have perhaps a controversial view of this but IMO, kids don't get to make this decision, no matter how much they beg.

 

I have definite reasons why I didn't send my kids to school & I don't think a child that age is anywhere near capable of understanding those reasons. 

I suspect kids that age think school is just lots of fun, they want to giggle with their friends & play. It's possible this is a child that is more social or perhaps even downright peer oriented.

I would be exploring ways to provide safe social outlets, while also continuing to homeschool.

I also wonder if you're trying to do way too much. At that age, 'school' for us was short. A short phonics lesson & some math activities. The rest is field trips, & hands on activities, & audio books & nature journals & hatching butterflies, & doing an art project & going to the park with friends.....

I would suggest that the curriculum hopping & the lack of confidence is perhaps a result of being too attached to product & not trusting the process enough? There has to be a balance there, otherwise no goals can be worked towards, but at the same time, I honestly believe you have to embrace the process & trust that learning does happen, all the time.

[Storygirl]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

I'm not sure we will make it all the way through homeschooling, either. My kids can be hard to teach, due to both personality and learning differences, and I can get very discouraged. I often wonder if they would do better with a different teacher. I often feel that I'm not doing enough. My days do not look anything like my homeschooling dream, either. I've been known to cry often.

 

So I get it. And school may be a good option for your children. If you try it and it doesn't improve things, bring them back home again. If you have reached the point of giving up homeschooling and putting them in school, it really is okay. I know you feel like you have failed, and I will feel that way, too, if we make that choice. But if they receive a good education at school, it's okay. Really.

[73349]

To me, homeschooling is a means to an end: a great basic education. If it is not working, then finding a better means to that end is a win.

[City Mouse]

Home schoolers are the only ones to let their kids pick where they go. I never hear of private schoolers or public schoolers doubting their choices enough that they would allow the kids to demand to home school and go with it.

 

I do not think you should send the child. I did. I regret it big time. It was a huge mistake. He was there almost 2 yrs and now he is almost 2 years behind academically.

Lots of parent doubt their choices no matter what those choices are, and some of do let our kids have a say in schooling choices at certain times. When my DD switched from a private catholic school, she did get a vote. When she changed from the local middles school to a small charter school that was further away, she did get a vote. When my DS switched from his local public school to an online pcharter school, he had a large part in that discussion.

 

What the kids don't have a choice in is attending some sort of school whatever that may look like, and I include home schooling in that.

[nansk]

OP, don't despair. You can still afterschool your dd in certain subjects. You can read Story of the World, or do living math, or interesting art projects on weekends and make some memories.

[Mom22ns]

I have met in person and read on these boards, so many parents who are failing at homeschooling, whose children are begging for the opportunity to learn, and the parents refuse because they are unwilling to admit their dream has failed. I'm terribly sorry that things have not gone well, but I am equally proud of you for being willing to admit that and give your dd a chance to do something different.  :grouphug:

 

If you hang out on the high school boards, you will see kids that have homeschooled, gone off to school of one kind or another and then choose to come back home. It happens all. the. time. This is not the end for you. This is just the next step. You are continuing your homeschool journey with the older kids and you never know when you might continue it with the youngest too.

 

In the mean time, keep learning and evolving and growing and as parent and as a teacher for the children that are still home. If your youngest comes home later, you will be a better teacher, more prepared for her then.

 

Btw as far as who makes the decision, I think it is a parental decision. However, not taking the children's feelings into account benefits no one. You doubt yourself enough OP. If this is your decision for your dd, go for it. Try it. Don't be afraid to reverse it too though :).

[Guest]

Ummm, lots of kids in public and private school have a say in where they go to school. Homeschooling isn't always the best choice. Kudos to the op for doing what is best for her child despite her dream of homeschooling.

[JustEm]

Home schoolers are the only ones to let their kids pick where they go. I never hear of private schoolers or public schoolers doubting their choices enough that they would allow the kids to demand to home school and go with it. 

 

I do not think you should send the child. I did. I regret it big time. It was a huge mistake. He was there almost 2 yrs and now he is almost 2 years behind academically.

 

Maybe you just haven't met the right people.  My parent's started home schooling one of my brother's because he begged them to take him out of school.  My other brother and I were in private school and asked to be put in public school, having good logical reasons for requesting it.  My parents eventually listened to us and we were much better off.  Currently, I'm teaching my nephew because he wanted to homeschool instead of remaining in public school because it was stressful for him and he was falling behind because of learning issues.  I know plenty of families who ended up home schooling because their children asked for it and had good reason to. 

 

Making blanket statements like "home schooler are the only ones..." is not very helpful to the OP situation.  

[LLMom]

I was the same as you about 8 years ago.  I wanted them to love learning, I broke my back (and bank) trying to find the perfect curriculum.  I thought I was a failure because my homeschool ideal did not match my reality.  I held on longer than I should have, and I still get teary eyed over it all.  But sometimes school is better for some children.  You won't know that until you give it a try, but it is not a permanent decision.  You are not a failure as a mom; you are finding the best educational choice for your children.  Homeschooling does not make a person a better (or worse) mom.  :grouphug:

[BlessedMom]

:grouphug:

[OneStepAtATime]

Btw as far as who makes the decision, I think it is a parental decision. However, not taking the children's feelings into account benefits no one. You doubt yourself enough OP. If this is your decision for your dd, go for it. Try it. Don't be afraid to reverse it too though :).

 

:iagree:

[KrissiK]

I'm sorry! ((Hugs)). I've had to give up on a lot of homeschooling dreams, too. I wanted my kids to have a great classical homeschooling experience, too. And now, things are looking very boxed. I wanted to give my kids the education I wanted, but never had. But, my kids don't want it. My kids really aren't in to school. My boys hated history the way I wanted to teach it - lots of biographies, timelines, etc. we're doing A Beka now for 5th and 6th grade history and they actually kind of like it. I'm not going to tell you what to do regarding educating your kids. But, I think that consistency with curriculum, and meeting them where they're at and yes, letting go of your dreams (or maybe trying to fulfill them through yourself and not through them) would turn things around.

[RoundAbout]

Both my son and I loved homeschooling but trying to provide social opportunities in this very urban, professional, over scheduled community became a full time job and it left little time for my own self care (I'm a strong introvert). When my son got admitted to a great magnet school 10 minutes away we opted to try it. So far it's been great.

 

The thing that I didn't expect is that having 6 hours a day to myself has totally re-energized my ability to provide learning opportunities at home. I no longer feel any need to drive around town for activities and play dates so we have plenty of time in the evening for family time and after schooling. A single evening might see us doing a geography puzzle, Beast Academy, cooking together, and doing fantastic read alouds. It's not the same as homeschooling (and we may return to that in the future) but right now it's great compromise for us and you might be pleasantly surprised at how things work out.

[kiwik]

Home schoolers are the only ones to let their kids pick where they go. I never hear of private schoolers or public schoolers doubting their choices enough that they would allow the kids to demand to home school and go with it.

 

I do not think you should send the child. I did. I regret it big time. It was a huge mistake. He was there almost 2 yrs and now he is almost 2 years behind academically.

Not true. I hate that I have to send my child to public school so I can provide us with enough money to live. If they really wanted to home school I would do everything I could to make it happen. Right now though neithet of them are miserable so I am concentrating on enrichment and debt repayment.

[EmilyGF]

My friend homeschools each of her kids for 7th grade only. Sending your daughter to school isn't a forever decision any more than homeschooling has to be a forever decision. Because she only homeschools one child at a time, they do some really neat things that I can't.

 

Emily

[ZeeMommy]

OP, you have 6 kids - even if all of them were in school, you'd still have a lot of work to do just as a mama!  Sounds like you're banging your head against the wall and needing a break.  My dd7 has told me that she wants to go to school, even though it seems to me that she doesn't mind doing education at home.  She's a more social creature, and I think the idea of being around a lot of other kids her age all day is appealing.  Throw in two little brothers, and she would probably like to be around more girls too.  I can even remember as a child and teenager in private schools that there were kids who loved being at school and those who hated it, no matter what grade or how awesome/awful the teacher was. 

 

Now - go make a list of all the successes you have had as a mother, ways you've seen your children excel or what their talents are, things that they have actually enjoyed when you were teaching them (even if it seems small), what they are capable of doing that you've taught them to do.  Take a couple of days to do this.  It might not be as dreadful as you think.  If it is as dreadful as you think, then you can move ahead with whatever changes you need to make.  Go do something that you know you're good at doing - that will help too!

 

[Wind-in-my-hair]

I have tears in my eyes from reading this because you have pinpointed my feelings about my current situation. I have hopped from unschooling to classical to CM... I have been swayed in drastically different directions philosophically. I know how it feels to see your child's future at stake. I am really not enjoying these formative years like I thought I would, either. I want my child to outshine his peers and get good money from colleges when he applies, years from now but at the forefront of my mind today.  I want him to be highly employable as an adult.  I want my child to value work not because it is inherently enjoyable, but because he is capable of both doing it and enjoying it if he is willing. I do not have any religious or political motives for homeschooling, and I am measuring my successes only as far as they seem to support those said goals. If I could hire tutors for him, I would in a heartbeat. I am already planning to have him study piano all the way through to college, and possibly add violin next year. He does best in those subjects that he likes, can practice freely, and has an outside tutor for. He benefits from tutoring at his age. And he is not some gifted pianist, he just had the right teacher and the right interest. 

 

My job, as his mom, isn't to give him the best curriculum out there or the most fun school experience, I am learning. It is to get him to take to his work so that harder work isn't some obstacle before him later down the road. And to teach him that interesting things may develop in our minds about our work; it isn't always plain enjoyment but requires appreciation, and that requires knowledge, and practice. Of course, I would still try to find reasonably good curricula, but it shouldn't be an obsession. TWTM lends itself nicely to efficient and targeted education. It is not joy-filled like AO or other CM-inspired products, but it can be enjoyed even if its just the sense of getting it done together, mom and child. TWTM top-recommended products target skills that can be developed incrementally, such as writing, spelling, grammar, and sense of historical progression. Its no wonder TWTM strongly recommends Saxon math which seems to follow the same idea: small steps toward higher thinking. Critics of TWTM, or of the trivium model, say that it underestimates young children's ability to gain conceptual knowledge if the trivium "grammar stage" is taken too literally. Critics say skills and facts ought to develop in the mind along with rather than distinctly before conceptual understanding, whilst the trivium places skills and memorized content ahead of connections and discussions occurring properly in the logic stage; but the curriculum in TWTM, if used intelligently, will not hold this supposed flaw.

 

AO has its virtues, too: That it takes only a brief part of the day to formally educate a very young child and emphasizes a certain type of immersion that can be summed up in the quote, "Education is an atmosphere, a discipline, a life," by Charlotte Mason. It is rigorous on the literary front and encompasses primary source material for the study of humanities. AO offers a lot of nice material for free but there is also alot of work to be done by the teacher. Some people say that the teacher must model the kind of thinking and attitude toward learning, demonstrate proper language use, and model the kind of character expected of the student, that it is "caught rather than taught" as someone once quipped in the AO forum. Unschoolers may both love and hate this idea because it gives them credit for modelling good learning and behavior, but it also may seem to try to make the whole family culture fit someone else's ideal. RightStart Math has been specifically endorsed by certain members of the AO community, and I can see how it fits the model of natural, role-model centered, workbook-less learning. The mostly oral and hands-on format of RightStart, plus the activities and games that can morph into playtime math, make it easy to have a math-y culture and immersion at home. However, this approach, RightStart or the whole-learning approach, is not for everyone.

 

I don't know how this turned into a review of methodology, but I hope it helps you consider that its easy to slip with one step, or skip, into a new direction without making sure there is firm ground. It happens to me often.  But the key ingredient to a child's education is the constant support and love that she finds in her family, who reward her good work and give her reprieve if work is overwhelming her from time to time. The most successful schooled students typically have that type of support from within their homes, and I am sure if you lay that good foundation, it will be easier on your daughter either way she goes. It takes tremendous discipline to homeschool effectively, and it sounds like you are having success with your teenagers. Well done for getting thus far, and I do hope it gets better!