Tweens:Teens - What is Normal? Share you Experiences

[kathy_overman]

My son has been horrific to be with lately.  I was calling schools this morning - as a way to fantasize about days without his attitude.  Then it occurred to me, this may be tween/teen behavior.

 

He is rude, disrespectful, and cannot take any advice, coaching, or teaching.  Last night he was arguing with his gymnastics coach, and I was appalled.  But I have been reading Duct Tape Parenting, so I did not say a word. 

 

He thinks he knows everything, and if I correct him, it results in a complete meltdown.  Is this normal tween behavior? 

 

I would love to hear other's experiences with tweens (especially boys)  - what is to be expected?  How do you cope?  How do you "teach" a kid like this?  What books do you like regarding typical tween behavior? Share the things you noticed in your tween. 

 

For example, today he said  "I feel like you are taking advantage of me, since I don't have gymnastics practice, you are making me do more schoolwork."  First of all, this was at 1pm in the afternoon - his practice is normally at 5pm, and I was only asking him to complete the science that is due on Monday.  Again due to Duct Tape Parent, I said nothing - I just listened to the nutjob kid.

Is he getting enough sleep?  Just recently, mine started to need a lot more sleep, and if that doesn't happen, well, all of a sudden, I've got a different kid.

[kathy_overman]

He does need lots of sleep, and it impacts his mood - but lately, the mood, has been off the charts "know it all." :cursing:  :cursing:  :cursing:

[SarahW]

How much input does he have re: his schedule, activities, or schoolwork?

 

Just throwing that out there. "Know-it-all" could be a reaction to feeling that his own life is out of his control. He may feel that he should be responsible for himself, but is confused by it.

[freesia]

He is rude, disrespectful, and cannot take any advice, coaching, or teaching.  Last night he was arguing with his gymnastics coach, and I was appalled.  But I have been reading Duct Tape Parenting, so I did not say a word. 

 

He thinks he knows everything, and if I correct him, it results in a complete meltdown.  Is this normal tween behavior?

Nutty/backwards/non-logical conversations where somehow you--Mom--are always at fault--totally normal. Sometimes I actually laugh ( I wish I could come up with one of my arsenal of examples but it's been a long day.

 

Rude, disrespectful,--well-- I think it's normal in that tweens get grumpy (see sleep advice and I'll add food--my ds falls apart if he's hungry) and think they know it all. I don't think it's "normal" in the sense that it should be tolerated as a phase. Think of a two year old testing the limits. When it is toward you make sure their is a consequence. And, while I wouldn't intervene at gymnastics if I witnessed my son being disrespectful to another adult I would also have a consequence at home. Kids feel safer when they can't get away with being rude and disrespectful.

 

Not being teachable, thinking they know it all--yeah, this is normal ("When I was young I thought my father was a fool. .. . ")Let him suffer the consequences of being wrong. Don't let him being disrespectful as he goes along this path. Give him wise guidance, but make sure he has plenty of chances to try his wings.

[kathy_overman]

Nutty/backwards/non-logical conversations where somehow you--Mom--are always at fault--totally normal. Sometimes I actually laugh ( I wish I could come up with one of my arsenal of examples but it's been a long day.

 

Rude, disrespectful,--well-- I think it's normal in that tweens get grumpy (see sleep advice and I'll add food--my ds falls apart if he's hungry) and think they know it all. I don't think it's "normal" in the sense that it should be tolerated as a phase. Think of a two year old testing the limits. When it is toward you make sure their is a consequence. And, while I wouldn't intervene at gymnastics if I witnessed my son being disrespectful to another adult I would also have a consequence at home. Kids feel safer when they can't get away with being rude and disrespectful.

 

Not being teachable, thinking they know it all--yeah, this is normal ("When I was young I thought my father was a fool. .. . ")Let him suffer the consequences of being wrong. Don't let him being disrespectful as he goes along this path. Give him wise guidance, but make sure he has plenty of chances to try his wings.

 

 

Thank you!  The nutty, nonsense conversations always end with me at fault.  I am learning that I need to not engage in these crazy conversations at all.  Understanding, that this is 'normal-ish' helps tremendously. 

 

I struggle with feeling strong enough to stand up to him, he has a very strong/emotional personality.  This is a huge challenge for me, but I know it works.  He does do well with strong boundaries, and I 'tolerate' less - I wish this came more naturally to me.  I have seen progress in his behavior when I am firm, yet kind.  

 

I am learning so much about how I enable, and try to control, when I need to teach and train. I am learning to let him 'fail' and try to trust that he will learn his lesson, instead of me always preaching to him - which is so not good for our relationship.   This is a growing up process for me too.

 

Thanks for the feedback.

[freesia]

Thank you!  The nutty, nonsense conversations always end with me at fault.  I am learning that I need to not engage in these crazy conversations at all.  Understanding, that this is 'normal-ish' helps tremendously. 

 

I struggle with feeling strong enough to stand up to him, he has a very strong/emotional personality.  This is a huge challenge for me, but I know it works.  He does do well with strong boundaries, and I 'tolerate' less - I wish this came more naturally to me.  I have seen progress in his behavior when I am firm, yet kind.  

 

I am learning so much about how I enable, and try to control, when I need to teach and train. I am learning to let him 'fail' and try to trust that he will learn his lesson, instead of me always preaching to him - which is so not good for our relationship.   This is a growing up process for me too.

 

Thanks for the feedback.

Sure.

 

Does he have a father at home? When I am feeling weak about boundaries, I let dh take over. Ds really responds to his Dad and doesn't try to push back.

 

Firm, yet kind. That's it. Try, try, try to stay a bit emotionally detached and not let him "get to you." Things always go better when I am that way. It helps also if I think out consequences for rudeness or disrespect and use them BEFORE I am fed up. "You may not speak to me like that--go do 3 laps around the house (laps have the added positive of endorphins!)"

 

A growing up process--yep! I was just saying to a friend who said that parenting was just much harder than she thought it would be that actually what I thought was the hardest was that when I had pictured parenting somehow I was mature and totally together--firm, patient, all of that. The reality is that I am imperfect and don't always respond the way I should so all I "know" doesn't matter. I guess that's the way it is for everyone.

 

All the best.

[LLMom]

Lots of exercise, good food, physical labor, and fun help but don't eliminate completly.   It is such a hard age to deal with.  Almost every child (5) in my home is a tween or teen.  Only the 9 1/2 year old is still pleasant.  Makes me  :willy_nilly: .

[Scarlett]

I have been going through it with my 14. He is about to drive me insane. He had me in tears this week...and I don't cry normally.

[Tanaqui]

Well, let's just see what Mark Twain has to say on the subject.

 

“When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.â€

 

Yeah, if Twain says it, it's gotta be true. Sounds absolutely normal to me! I try to remember (operative word here is "try") when the girls are going through difficult developmental stages that if it's universal there's probably a good reason for it. I have no freaking idea what is served by having teenagers be total brats, and I might be pushing the idea of evolution to concepts it's totally not supposed to be used for, but it makes me feel better to think "it's important, it's important, they have to go through this stage and it's nothing to do with me, it's important". (I suppose you could think the same thing if you don't believe in evolution - no debates! - just substitute "God" or whatever in that role and roll with it.)

[MrsH]

For dd12, I've also noticed that it helps when I can have some private time with her regularly. Usually this is after the younger ones are in bed, I just sit with her and we chat about her day. I try really hard to not give any advice at this time (unless asked), and instead to ask questions, reflect feelings back to get, and occasionally share a story about a time that I felt similar. When we do this regularly, it really helps. Though occasionally she goes through periods where she just about acts like it's torture to have me visit! So I leave... :-)

[Hedgehogs4]

I've got a 13 yo who is very fragile right now. When he's good he is wonderful. When he is tired, hungry, overwhelmed......... (smh) ugh.  :huh:

[MEmama]

We went through a very rough patch for about 6 months--it started and ended suddenly, totally out of the blue as far as I can tell. My main mantra was Damage Control, Damage Control, Damage Control. There were times I would leave the house because I couldn't stand his attitude, times when I'd banish him from my sight until he could be less abrasive, and times when I'd just cry privately and wonder where my sweet loving kid went. And just as suddenly as it happened, the attitude and ugliness disappeared overnight (literally) and our relationship is back to normal. For that matter, HE is back to normal and then some--he's even MORE than he was, if that makes sense. Hello hormones!

 

Hold in there, ride it out the best you can in the moment (it's not always going to look right later, but that's okay), and make sure the relationship suffers minimally. Be his safe place, no matter how hard it is. I think it's totally appropriate to be honest with them at this age -- "Your behavior/attitude/words/snarkiness are not acceptable. It is acceptable to feel frustrated/angry/confused, but you may not take it out on me/dad/your coach/the rest of the world.". Keep the focus, when possible, on the attitude and not on his person. If he doesn't already have a book on the special hell that is puberty, this might be a good time to quietly place one next to his bed. Some kids want to talk about, others don't, but if they can understand the biological reasons that it feels like they've been possessed by aliens, it might reduce the discomfort a bit.

 

Good luck. It IS a phase, it WILL pass. And copius amounts of chocolate for you are totally justified.

[Guest awhite]

Sounds like you need to throw out Duct Tape Parent.

Communication is vital in any relationship. Choosing to ignore the situation teaches him nothing. I'm not suggesting nagging or anything like that, but learning to treat people with respect and decency begins with how he treats you.

Giving him an out due to his age is nonsense. Yes, we all have our grumpy days and that's normal. Everyone is accountable for their actions no matter the age.

[happypamama]

Re: arguing with the coach. I might not intervene in that arena. I might let the coach deal with that one. I know I would be appalled if my child was disrespectful to another adult, but in a coaching situation, sometimes letting the coach deal with it on his/her own will yield better results. The difference between "my mom thinks I'm being obnoxious, but that's just *her* opinion" vs. "oh, crud, I really need to shape up because the coach is annoyed with my attitude." Our kids' martial arts instructor is pretty clear that he handles any issues in his studio, because it's necessary in order for the kids to respect him as the authority. If my child were rude to the instructor, any disapproval from the instructor would drive a message home harder than anything I could say. It does depend on the situation, though, but you might talk to the coach to see if he/she has ideas.

[kathy_overman]

Again, thanks everyone.  I decided to stay out of the issue with the coach.  I don't like it, but my lecturing has not changed anything to date, so I don't think my next lecture will either.  I think I heard that the definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over, yet expecting different results. Also, I just witnessed it from a far, so it really feels like butting in.  I will trust the coach will deal with it, and my DS will  learn (or will eventually learn).

 

I always wonder .... how do I, "not tolerate" disrespect?  What does this look like in your house?  How do you "not allow it?"  What really stops the disrespect?

 

I get some of junk is venting, age, etc., and I am relieved to know some is developmentally appropriate, but when he crosses the line, what do I do? 

 

Currently I take away screen time, when it happens - helps a little.  Previously, I talked too much to him - does not work.  I sometimes walk away from him - helps a little.  What solutions have others found to be most effective?

 

[Guest awhite]

Have you ever read books by Dr. Kevin Leman?

Awesome books with great ideas on dealing with this stuff. He has on called Have a New Kid By Friday (another called Have a New Teenager By Friday). The books have great suggestions on how to deal with these types of things and also helps them understand why their attitude or actions are wrong.

I know it's an uphill battle. It will get better.

I just think it's important to connect actions with how it makes you feel.

Growing up in my house it was not explained to me. I got punished for stuff, but the punishment and the action never connected in my mind. I always felt more rebellious because of that.

As a parent I try to not use the same punishment for offenses, but rather have the punishment fit the offense.

If you can, check out the book at the library. I can't tell you how encouraging and insightful I found them.

[Hot Lava Mama]

Thank you!  The nutty, nonsense conversations always end with me at fault.  I am learning that I need to not engage in these crazy conversations at all.  Understanding, that this is 'normal-ish' helps tremendously. 

 

 

I reached a point of exasperation with my teens when they were always blaming me for "fill-in-the-blank."  One day I told them that if I "actually" had all the "power" they give me (by virtue of everything being my fault), then I would rule the world!  (said with a rising voice-cue the loud, powerful music!)  And, if I ruled the world, then they better behave better and make better choices or else they will not be my heir to the throne!  They usually laugh at this and realize how incredibly stupid their comments are!

Hot Lava Mama

[Excelsior! Academy]

Have you ever read books by Dr. Kevin Leman? Awesome books with great ideas on dealing with this stuff. He has on called Have a New Kid By Friday (another called Have a New Teenager By Friday). The books have great suggestions on how to deal with these types of things and also helps them understand why their attitude or actions are wrong.I know it's an uphill battle. It will get better. I just think it's important to connect actions with how it makes you feel. Growing up in my house it was not explained to me. I got punished for stuff, but the punishment and the action never connected in my mind. I always felt more rebellious because of that. As a parent I try to not use the same punishment for offenses, but rather have the punishment fit the offense.If you can, check out the book at the library. I can't tell you how encouraging and insightful I found them.

 

Didn't he write some of his parenting books before he had children? He has some good advice and some not so good. I am not a fan of his love and logic, especially for the youngest set.

[HeWillSoar]

My oldest son was like this, and there is light at the end of the tunnel. I prayed a lot for him and his attitude.  It was a rough time!!!  At that time, I didn't know how it was going to turn out or whether I was doing things right but we managed to get through it and he's doing pretty well.  Full disclosure, he wasn't homeschooled so I didn't have that to deal with. 

 

It wasn't until he turned around 15 that I wasn't walking on eggshells around him and he was actually pleasant to be around again.  I was like that at that age, and I used my experience to try to best help him.  I wanted to make sure that he knew that I loved him unconditionally, and that although I did not like his attitude and there would be consequences for offenses that crossed the line, I made sure to not ever say things about him personally.  I told him that he was going through a hard time due to his age and hormones and growing up and it was all normal to be feeling like he did and I tried not to make any personal attacks, ridicule or judgements towards him.  Also remind yourself that at this age, their brain is not fully developed and you are not dealing with someone who can rationalize like an adult would.   I totally agree with the above poster who said that you want to try to keep your relationship with your son intact. 

 

As far as consequences, that was always hard because there is a fine line in allowing them to voice their feelings and opinions and that area where it goes too far.  I would tell him that he is allow to respectfully voice his opinions but if he gets rude and disrespectful, he will not be heard and he goes to his room--just to get some distance between you and him, not as a punishment.  Just, "I will not allow you to be in this room speaking to me like that so spend some time in your room and you can come out when you are ready to be more respectful."  I've also had times when I was so upset with him that I told him that he can come out of his room once his father was home from work. 

 

As moms, we usually get the brunt of their attitude because we are their safe ones that they can unleash on. This will pass and he will mature and grow with the right guidance.  Support, love and be understanding but also stay strong with consequences.  Be matter of fact and don't engage his arguments. Take some time for you too!

[RootAnn]

Nothing is ever dd#1's fault and if it goes well, it is all because she is awesome. 

 

Firm, yet kind. That's it. Try, try, try to stay a bit emotionally detached and not let him "get to you." Things always go better when I am that way. It helps also if I think out consequences for rudeness or disrespect and use them BEFORE I am fed up. "You may not speak to me like that--go do 3 laps around the house (laps have the added positive of endorphins!)"

 

Agree with this 1000%.  :iagree:  Putting it into practice consistently is the toughest part.  :crying:  When we can keep from blowing and enforce the physical cooling off period (because going out for a walk or a bike ride really does make things better) first, things end up so much better.

 

Sometimes, the hardest part in our house is just learning to shut your mouth & not say that next thing that comes to mind. Some of us don't realize when to quit and that always turns into:   :cursing: