Tell me about Foster Care and Foster-to-Adopt.

[Ginevra]

It's on my mind. It isn't a practical option for us. Dh has been against this for the past ten-plus years, so I have no reason to imagine he might reconsider. We're getting older. I am a fan of stability and simplicity, not PITA court dates and bio parents whom I want to throttle and kids that have been damaged.

 

The idea does not let me go, though. It keeps cropping up in front of me every time I turn around.

BTDT people? Am I being stupid?

[Ottakee]

We have been foster parents for most of the past 20 years and have fostered over 100 children.

 

I can tell you it is NOT stability or simplicity.  It IS court dates, social workers, difficult bio parents, maddening rules, and some very hurt children. 

 

That said, it is also a very rewarding thing.  We have fostered to adopt all 3 of our children---------and amazingly the one who came to us at the oldest age was the easiest adjustment and overall the easiest to parent while the one who came the youngest is our most challenging.

 

I will say that in order for it to be successful BOTH of you need to be totally on board with this.  It can NOT be the "mom's thing" or the "dad's thing".  While not nec. a decision for the kids to make, it is also important for your kids to understand as it WILL change their lives...........some for the better, some not.

 

There are MANY ways though that you could be involved in this kids lives and help other foster parents even if you can't be a full time foster parent.  You could do respite where you take the foster child(ren) for a day, overnight, weekend, week, etc. to give the foster parents a break or allow for family emergencies.  Many of these kids could benefit from a mentor a few hours a week.

[kubiac]

I know NOTHING but my semi-sister-in-law volunteers as a CASA. It's Court Appointed Special Advocates (CASA) for children, and it seems like that program is a middle ground between fostering/adoption and nothing?

 

Maybe see if it exists in your area?

[Ewe Mama]

If you want simple and stable, fostering is not a good fit. Foster to adopt is even more harrowing. Every grey hair I have sprouted during the foster to adopt process with Simon and Theodore. It is not for the faint of heart. Having to hand children i grew to love back over to what I knew were bad/dangerous situations still causes me to have nightmares.

[Guest]

If you want simple and stable, fostering is not a good fit. Foster to adopt is even more harrowing. Every grey hair I have sprouted during the foster to adopt process with Simon and Theodore. It is not for the faint of heart. Having to hand children i grew to love back over to what I knew were bad/dangerous situations still causes me to have nightmares.

And I have seen this. I have seen this happen with friends/family who have fostered. I know this is grievous.

[Guest]

I know NOTHING but my semi-sister-in-law volunteers as a CASA. It's Court Appointed Special Advocates (CASA) for children, and it seems like that program is a middle ground between fostering/adoption and nothing?

 

Maybe see if it exists in your area?

My ex-SIL is a CASA. I do think they have such a thing here. I know she sees some serious horrors. I don't know if I could do that...

 

I just feel like I want to do something about children who are not getting love and family that all should have. It kills me.

[Momling]

Perhaps your husband might consider short term emergency placements or respite care?

[mamakelly]

My ex-SIL is a CASA. I do think they have such a thing here. I know she sees some serious horrors. I don't know if I could do that...

 

I just feel like I want to do something about children who are not getting love and family that all should have. It kills me.

 

My gf fostered and eventually adopted a child. The boy had a CASA, and it was the CASA's job to check in with the foster parents, take the boy to do fun things with him etc...I'm sure the CASA saw some pretty awful stuff, but not much worse than the foster parents saw.

[Melissa in Australia]

I can only talk about how it works in Australia, Victoria

 

We have just been placed with twin 3 year  old boys for permanent care. They will be with us until they are 18 ( after that they can choose)

How it works here in Australia is that once a child has been in foster care for 2 years ( it is currently being reduced to one year) then their parents loos all chance to gain back their child. They then go up for permanent care. A child will only go up for adoption if their parents sign away their parental rights - something that very rarely happens. in fact in my state (Victoria) annually there is only about 70 children who go up for permanent care/adoption placement  per year.

 

The permanent care/Adoption training and background check is more intense than foster care training.

 

We waited over 3 years for our placement - but often people are placed with a child earlier we were one of the longer waits. Mostly because we were open to a sibling group and not many families are.

 

We are so excited with our twins. they are  so cute and have fitted into our family so well. Next Tuesday they will have been with us for 5 weeks.

[katiejane]

I work in Foster Care. I do the supervised contact visits with the bio parents. I would NOT foster unless you had the full support of your husband. It is very challenging to parent children that have been damaged. You can not parent them the way you would your own children and it can be very very disruptive to your other children. I would suggest waiting until your children are older and "have their own lives" because foster kids take up a LOT of time. It can be hard for younger children to understand why this kid gets "all the attention". In saying that fostering can be very rewarding. I have some great foster parents I work with who do an amazing job. I LOVE the foster kids I work with.

[EmilyGF]

My friend, who is getting a PhD in social work, told me recently about a group called Safe Families. Basically, Safe Families provides a safety net for families who have no safety net. Without help, these situations will escalate and the kids will "qualify" for foster care. With help, the family may be able to get their lives back together.

 

For myself, there are times when my mom comes and stays with us for a month because we're going through a rough spot, our friends watch our kids, or we hire a sitter. What if my mom were a drug addict, my friends inconsistent, and my money nonexistent? 

 

Safe Families is short term, not directed at adoption, but at helping families who need a hand for a bit.

 

 

[Carrie12345]

I don't think you're being stupid.  It's an idea I don't seem to be able to let go of, either.  (Despite two relatives who work with foster families and tell me I'm stupid!) But I do have to remind myself that it just can't happen now, and maybe won't ever.  To help, I do tell myself that maybe, way down the line, emergency and respite care may be a more appropriate option for me.

[katilac]

My ex-SIL is a CASA. I do think they have such a thing here. I know she sees some serious horrors. I don't know if I could do that...

 

I just feel like I want to do something about children who are not getting love and family that all should have. It kills me.

 

If you don't think you could work with CASA, I'd say you definitely could not be a foster parent. It's true that CASA volunteers often work with the toughest cases, simply because there aren't enough volunteers for every child, but it's a much lower level of commitment than actual fostering, and it serves the same general community. 

 

You could volunteer to help CASA in other ways, though. They have some examples on their main website, but you have to contact your local chapter to see what their exact needs are. 

 

Most counties also have training for respite care, but you have to be prepared to deal with difficult and/or traumatized children then as well. Respite care is also a volunteer commitment that affects the entire family, not just you. 

 

I would look into things like Safe Families, Big Brothers/Big Sisters, the local Boys and Girls Club, running a scout troop in underserved areas, and so on. There are many ways to help at-risk kids. 

[TechWife]

If fostering isn't what you can do right now, consider being a guardian ad litem - they spend time with the child and work with the social workers and courts to make sure they are in an appropriate placement and make recommendations on proposed changes. They represent the child in the process and make their representation on what they believe is in the best interest of the child as opposed to having a reunification goal, a placement goal or anything else that might bias the social workers and court systems. 

[LMV]

I agree with others who have suggested that for this to work for your family both you and DH have to really believe that you can make this work and committed to turning your belief into reality.  In our case, in some ways DH was even more motivated towards our journey than I was because we initially got licensed so we could legally raise his godson after his dad's death. Overall, our experiences have been positive.  DH's godson technically aged out of the foster care system in our home but he was an integral part of our family then and continues to be today.  We've adopted our DD14 from foster care and will eventually adopt DFD10 and DFD6 once we and their caseworker manage to dig ourselves out from under the newest avalanche of paperwork [in our state medically fragile adoptions have all these extra forms and hoops]. We've also had other children for emergency and respite placements and few other longer term placements where ultimately the children were able to be safely reunited with their parents.

 

Although our overall experiences have been positive, and at this point I can't imagine our lives without DH's godson, DD14 or DFD10 and DFD6; I would never say that our journey has been easy, smooth, or even largely linear.  With the exception of DH's godson who DH has known all of his life, our children have this whole other life that they lived before they met us.  We know there significant loss, instability, uncertainty and fear in all cases.  Significant abuse on top that also exists in other cases and the aftermath of all of that can certainly feel overwhelming at times.  We've been fortunate that the kids that have grown into our family have really grown into our family. They want to have a second chance family and they're willing to work with us on that relationship.  I really think this is a very critical piece.  It seems that when we hear of foster/adopted kid horror stories the common theme is that a healthy family connection just never developed. I think the reasons behind why that doesn't develop are varied.  Some kids may be in place due to impact of alcohol and drugs in utero, mental illness, brain damage due to trauma, or some mixture of the above that they just can't make that connection.  Some foster parents may never be able to get past the reality that their kids did have prior parents and that no matter how awful those parents may have been on paper or even in daily life being removed from them represented a loss. I suspect that one of the big issues for DFD10 with her first foster parents was that she couldn't call them mom and dad and they saw that inability and grief (for biological parents who were never abusive and I believe were warm and loving) as disobedience and punished accordingly. I also think that some kids are just bad fits for certain families or some families are bad fits for certain kids.  

 

We've always told caseworkers that we'll just have to see how things work out because we've always felt that trying to force a kid into our family when they don't fit there or don't want to fit there is unfair to them and our other children.  We adopted DD14 because she became our daughter and we couldn't do anything else.  We got to that place with DFD10 once we helped her process the grief for her parents that had been ignored for years.  She got to a point where she acknowledged that in her ideal world her parents would still be alive and raising her but since she had to live in the real world she believed that her parents would be glad to see her become part of our family.  At that point, if she hadn't had a younger sister who we believed she had a healthy bond with and needed to be raised with, we would have adopted her.  But she did so we let things play out with her sister and eventually got to the point where we believed that we could be the parents that DFD6 needed as well and could see her assimilating into our family. Now if we can just get through the mounds of paperwork we need to do regarding DFD6's medical problems we will adopt [and we will ultimately get there I'm just feeling frustrated on that point this morning].

[Incognito]

We considered being respite foster care parents - that means you take kids as respite to either the foster parents or the biological family (if that family is deemed able to parent with the support of respite).  I think that type of thing could be a good in-between (but only if your husband was willing/open).  We ended up not doing it because we had another baby and we didn't have room then.

 

[Heather in OK]

 

 

I would suggest waiting until your children are older and "have their own lives" because foster kids take up a LOT of time. 

This.  And never foster a child who is older than your youngest biological child.

 

My Mom has been a foster parent for about 20 years.  She started the year I left for college and I'm glad she didn't start before then.  Not because I would have wondered why the foster kid(s) got all the attention but it just takes SO much out of the foster parent and the entire family.  Kids who are yelling obscenities (and I'm talking about 3-4yo kids as well as tween/teen), kids who are physically violent with the foster parent (my mom...who has training on how to properly restrain…has had SO many bruises and scratches from kids…LITTLE kids), kids tearing up the house, having to call police on kids who were so defiant she couldn't control them or they tried to run away….etc and etc.  

 

If it's something your family is supposed to do then you both MUST be on board with it.  Foster parenting can be a great thing only if it's something you know in your heart you're family is supposed to be doing.  

[KrissiK]

We fost/adopted all 5 of our children. We had very good experiences each time (3 sets), but I know families who have not. And while we have had good experiences, it is not for the faint hearted.

[Guest]

Thank you all so much for sharing your thoughts and experiences with me. Strangely enough, dh brought up the possibility of adopting this morning. It was so unexpected, I don't think I even responded in any coherent fashion. I don't know if anything will come of it, but I guess I am open to seeing what unfolds.

[Ottakee]

http://thosesweetbarefeet.wordpress.com/2014/11/03/i-hate-adoption  This is a powerful article and I think that often people forget the impact adopting children beyond infancy has on the other children in the home.

[Ottakee]

Quill----wonderful that your husband brought it up.  As others have said, it is not for the faint of heart.

[Catwoman]

Quill, could you do something like volunteer to be a Big Sister to a child in need? You would still get to help a child, but it's something you could do without your dh having to be a part of it. It would also be a part-time thing, which would be much less disruptive of your normal family routines.

[KrissiK]

http://thosesweetbarefeet.wordpress.com/2014/11/03/i-hate-adoption This is a powerful article and I think that often people forget the impact adopting children beyond infancy has on the other children in the home.

That was a powerful article. I am not only an adoptive mom, but an adoptive sister. Although I have only 1 brother and he was adopted when I was 2 and he was an infant, I hadn't gone through quite the trauma she did. But, she has a good perspective on it.

[lexi]

http://thosesweetbarefeet.wordpress.com/2014/11/03/i-hate-adoption This is a powerful article and I think that often people forget the impact adopting children beyond infancy has on the other children in the home.

Thank you for this!

[Laurie4b]

My ex-SIL is a CASA. I do think they have such a thing here. I know she sees some serious horrors. I don't know if I could do that...

 

I just feel like I want to do something about children who are not getting love and family that all should have. It kills me.

 

So great that you have a heart to help Consider respite care. They leave your home and go back to their foster parents.

 

I also very strongly wish that there was more respite care available for parents of kids with special needs. All parents need respite and typically get it via grandparents, babysitters, etc. But if your child has certain kinds of special needs, it can be hard to find anyone in your natural network who feels willing or equipped to take them on. This in turn creates a situation that can lead to abuse: a parent with more demands than other parents is "on" 24/7 with no relief, no "down time" except when the child is in school--and even while in school, they are "on call" should any issues arise. If it's a single parent, so much the worse.  The ARC used to provide respite care. You could check in with them if they are in your area and see if they still do--or maybe just google respite care for your area.

 

The need for this was made very salient for us when we fostered a very difficult special needs child. We were so burned out, but family and friends didn't feel confident to take him for a while and CPS provided no respite. Fortunately we were young and pretty resilient and had no other kids, but the experience changed the way I interacted with parents of other special needs kids in my job with mental health.

[NoseInABook]

It is one of the most difficult things you will ever do. It tears your heart out and stomps on it repeatedly. You'll be busy, you'll be exhausted from dealing with social workers, child workers, licensing workers, CPS workers, bio parents, etc, etc, etc... but it's all worth it for the child or children that you're caring for. I swore up and down that I'd never be a foster parent but I wanted to adopt. God must have thought that was funny because we've been fostering for 2 years now. I wouldn't change it for the world. I'll take bio parents screaming obscenities in my face if it means that for right that moment, there is a child who is safe in my care. A child who is being loved. A child who is gaining the trust that they need to succeed in life. So, yes, if your husband is on board too, it is 100% worth it.

[Pamela H in Texas]

Well, I'm so traumatized by the system that I can't even form a post about the topic.  

One option would be to do straight adopt.  You'll wait longer with no real progress being seen. And most kids who become adoptable are adopted by their foster parents.  BUT, there are some great kids out there, infants, toddlers, preschoolers, schooler, preteens, teens.  You'll avoid a great deal of the trouble of fostering that way.  

But really?  That is kinda like running off to Vegas to get married.  You eliminate the months and months of planning, spending money, arguing about tastes in decor, mother-in-law issues for that time period, etc.  But in the end, you still have the marriage that will require your commitment.  Sure you don't go nuts with the post-visit behaviors, two years of pre-TPR court hearings and such, whatever.  But....

 

But it is *very* important to understand that trauma (abuse,  neglect, substance exposure/addiction, mental health issues, being removed from first family, etc, etc, etc) does not completely go away.  People can heal to some degree or another; but individuals are different so there is no way to tell what they'll do.  And you may well be dealing with some of the effects of those things forever more.  My children and I pay for what their birth family and the system did to them EVERY SINGLE DAY without fail.  We never get a break from it.  We don't get to just forget that it happened, not even for ONE day, no matter how typical or boring or exciting or fun or whatever. When you decide to adopt through fostercare, you are committing to a hurt child from a broken system.  You are committing to learning to do whatever it takes to help your child with the understanding things may or may not improve significantly.

 

Two illustrations...

 

You make an important list or a beautiful painting or paint a gorgeous sculpture or work on a project for a week straight.  Now break it apart.  Tear it, crumple it, throw it on the ground, put it through the paper shredder.  Stop arguing, just do it (in our class, every one of us balked at this assignment). How did you feel?  Fix it.  Glue it back together, tape it, straighten it out, etc.  It isn't completely fixed, right?  It can't be.  You may or may not be able to make it not show.  Some restorations are amazing and strong!  Others are quite fragile and "ugly."  

Last night, some strange men came into the house, took you out kicking and screaming, pushed you into an airplane and flew you to a remote area of the world.  Everyone there looks different, smells different, eats differently.  Everyone uses words you don't know.  They expect you to dress differently, listen to different music, change religions, bathe on a different schedule and in a different manner.  They won't let you do things you've done forever.  They expect you to do things you've never done before.  Your new husband is kind and understanding but he expects you to quickly get with the program also.  He needs the kids taken care of while he is at work.   The dishes need to be done.  Supper would be awfully late if he had to do it.  And there really is only one bed you can use even though that is the most uncomfy blanket you've ever felt.  Pretty quickly, the new husband expects you to start behaving in a wifely manner.  How do you feel?  Will this ever feel normal? 

 

Anyway, soooooooooo many times people think that just being gentle, firm, and loving will be "enough."  And it simply isn't.  This is much like an arranged marriage in many ways.  It can be worked out in time but it is WORK.  And then, these kids just have so much going on.  And younger does NOT mean "less baggage" as so many want to believe.  In fact, I'd say that preschoolers have it the *worst* by far because they often don't have words for their trauma, often don't remember it either, and yet it effects them day in and day out.  

You cannot read too much before you get kids.  Empowered to Connect has LOTS of videos online.  Karyn Purvis is good.  Her book is The Connected Child.  Heather Forbes' Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control (vol 1 and 2) and Dare to Love are a good place to start also.  Daniel Hughes has a few books about attachment.  Daniel Siegel's Whole Brain Child and No-Drama Discipline are good general parenting books that give you good ideas about connecting before correcting.  Gregory Keck has books about Parenting the Hurt Child and Adopting the Hurt Child.

 

And you simply HAVE to have the whole family on board. The children need everyone on board, but YOU will need that support.  

 

[Guest]

http://thosesweetbarefeet.wordpress.com/2014/11/03/i-hate-adoption This is a powerful article and I think that often people forget the impact adopting children beyond infancy has on the other children in the home.

I relate to some of the comments on that article: the title and phrasing the piece begins with bothers me. I also hate that there would ever need to be such a thing as adoption; I hate that there are messed up parents who mess up their kids and the cycle continues. I hate that there is AIDS and poverty and disease and civil unrest that leaves children with no family, no one to care. All of these things I detest. But to me, redemption is the entire point. It is why I have been drawn to adoption for a long, long time. I hate that people are thrown away in our world, but I love that adoption can redeem that reality. Admittedly, not for all, but some is better than none.

 

I do wonder how my kids would be affected, especially my youngest. But at the same time, if everybody thinks this way, no children can be helped. No difference can be made. Truly, the biggest hurdle for me if we do go forward with foster/adopt is that I do fear the unknown. I do fear difficulties I have never faced and at present, have no idea how to handle. My children have been raised with practically every ideal a child could be blessed with. I confess I have no idea how to help a child who has had the opposite - every disadvantage. I confess I do not know and that is the scariest part. But if no one can find the courage to embrace a child with so many unknowns, then those children cannot be helped. This is what bothers me, disturbs me, even. It makes me wonder how I could consider sitting pleasantly on my comfy couch, knowing there is hurt I could do something about, yet sit here saying, "Eh. Not much I can do. I'm raising my own kids as well as I can; too bad that isn't possible for all."

 

Anyway...I am rambling now.

[Guest]

Well, I'm so traumatized by the system that I can't even form a post about the topic

.

 

Thanks for your reply. I almost mentioned you in my title, because what I know of your story is there in my mind, representing the hurts that can be included in foster/adopt. The arranged marriage is a very good analogy.

[Ottakee]

I don't like everything in that article or her exact phrasing either but I do think she brings up some important viewpoints.

 

On the flip side, it can work and work very very well.

 

One of ours has fetal alcohol, had almost no spoken language when he went into foster care at 5 1/2, has mild CP, a cognitive impairment, etc. but he has made the transition very very well.  He shows the affects of his early life in his special needs but emotionally he has been great with no real baggage.  He can have contact with birth family members but still considers our home his family first of all.

 

I think that if you do foster care, it is important to realize that most of the time these kids are 2-3 years BEHIND emotionally even if they have been exposed to things even you as an adult have not even known about.  That is one reason why they suggest keeping a foster child at least a few years younger than your youngest bio child.  It is harder when the foster child is older than some of your own children but not emotionally ready for more choices and activities.

[KrissiK]

I relate to some of the comments on that article: the title and phrasing the piece begins with bothers me. I also hate that there would ever need to be such a thing as adoption; I hate that there are messed up parents who mess up their kids and the cycle continues. I hate that there is AIDS and poverty and disease and civil unrest that leaves children with no family, no one to care. All of these things I detest. But to me, redemption is the entire point. It is why I have been drawn to adoption for a long, long time. I hate that people are thrown away in our world, but I love that adoption can redeem that reality. Admittedly, not for all, but some is better than none.

 

I do wonder how my kids would be affected, especially my youngest. But at the same time, if everybody thinks this way, no children can be helped. No difference can be made. Truly, the biggest hurdle for me if we do go forward with foster/adopt is that I do fear the unknown. I do fear difficulties I have never faced and at present, have no idea how to handle. My children have been raised with practically every ideal a child could be blessed with. I confess I have no idea how to help a child who has had the opposite - every disadvantage. I confess I do not know and that is the scariest part. But if no one can find the courage to embrace a child with so many unknowns, then those children cannot be helped. This is what bothers me, disturbs me, even. It makes me wonder how I could consider sitting pleasantly on my comfy couch, knowing there is hurt I could do something about, yet sit here saying, "Eh. Not much I can do. I'm raising my own kids as well as I can; too bad that isn't possible for all."

 

Anyway...I am rambling now.

You are so right. I didn't really like her phrasing "I hate adoption" because adoption really is redemption. And none of us are perfect paintings anyway. All of us have had things happen to us or made some really poor choices that have caused us to be broken, but the healing process in all of us can be beautiful. And you are right, if we are afraid to get into the ugliness of others' lives, how can our world be changed? How can anything be changed?

 

My kids were all adopted out of "the system". They were all pretty young, though. And to me, they are all normal kids. If we're a dysfunctional family and if they are all traumatized from being separated from their birth mothers, then I don't know about it. Sure, they have their have-ups, but most kids do. Most people do. I hear all these stories about attachment disorder and all of these psychological issues, but I don't see it in my family and I've had some of these kids a long time now, so it's not always a given that it's going to happen. My kids sing in the shower and fight with each other and play sports and have friends and eat too much candy and are always wanting hugs. IMO, the only thing that's really different about us is the wide variety of skin color and the fact that nobody looks alike.

[Guest]

I think that if you do foster care, it is important to realize that most of the time these kids are 2-3 years BEHIND emotionally even if they have been exposed to things even you as an adult have not even known about. That is one reason why they suggest keeping a foster child at least a few years younger than your youngest bio child. It is harder when the foster child is older than some of your own children but not emotionally ready for more choices and activities.

This is good advice. I would intend to have the age(s) well below my youngest bio child. A friend of mine who is fostering in my county told me there are only 2? Or 3 families certified in our county that have a SAHM. This friend had two unrelated infants at once because of this. She is one IRL person whose brain I want to pick.

[Ottakee]

My kids were all adopted out of "the system". They were all pretty young, though. And to me, they are all normal kids. If we're a dysfunctional family and if they are all traumatized from being separated from their birth mothers, then I don't know about it. Sure, they have their have-ups, but most kids do. Most people do. I hear all these stories about attachment disorder and all of these psychological issues, but I don't see it in my family and I've had some of these kids a long time now, so it's not always a given that it's going to happen. My kids sing in the shower and fight with each other and play sports and have friends and eat too much candy and are always wanting hugs. IMO, the only thing that's really different about us is the wide variety of skin color and the fact that nobody looks alike.

 

We don't have the attachment issues here either.  My kids are well attached and bonded to each other and dh and I.

 

We do have residual issues though due to bio parents drinking and mental health (and genetic) issu

 

[Kristie in Florida]

I've been trying to decide what to say since I first read this thread. It is giving me the other side of what I grew up in. I was in the foster care system for most of my childhood. I was a "damaged child." (That label hurts, but I guess it is true and I understand how it could be used.) I would rather not post details here. But I had foster parents who were awesome, and some that were truly absolutely awful. We need more awesome parents. I'm willing to answer questions via PM.

[Ottakee]

Kristie----thanks for sharing even that much.  I always said I would love to have a foster parent training where former foster kids come back and give their side to the story......telling foster parents what is the most helpful, what is hurtful, etc.

I always struggling with finding the balance between promoting adoption and foster care and warning about the possible issues that might arise.  So often it is the "system" that is much more difficult to deal with than the foster child.

To the extend possible, we try to treat every foster child as we do our own......taking them on vacation with us, buying them similar things (taking into consideration age, etc). 

 

THanks again for sharing.

I've been trying to decide what to say since I first read this thread. It is giving me the other side of what I grew up in. I was in the foster care system for most of my childhood. I was a "damaged child." (That label hurts, but I guess it is true and I understand how it could be used.) I would rather not post details here. But I had foster parents who were awesome, and some that were truly absolutely awful. We need more awesome parents. I'm willing to answer questions via PM.

 

[Kristie in Florida]

Ottakee... there are so many things that I could say. So many stories. Both good and bad.

 

I can only speak for my sister and I, but we absolutely noticed when bio children got better things than we did. We usually had to go to respite when they went on vacation. I would dread Christmas. As a parent now I can see their side of it, if I try, but it really really hurt, then.

[Evan]

http://thosesweetbarefeet.wordpress.com/2014/11/03/i-hate-adoption  This is a powerful article and I think that often people forget the impact adopting children beyond infancy has on the other children in the home.

 

I think, or perhaps just hope, parents who adopt do look at how the adoption will impact the family.  I know my wife and I did.  When we went into foster placements and adoption our kids were involved in the assessment process in ways that were age and developmentally appropriate.  We have turned down placements because we knew at the time that we weren't in a position to take on anything else and still be the parents the children we currently had in our home needed.  

 

I generally believe that we are all entitled to our own perspectives and our perspective on our experiences so please understand that I am not attempting to refute Ms. Puckett's experiences or feelings.  I do note that it appears she went from being an only child to suddenly having two adopted siblings and then eight more adopted siblings that followed.  I would imagine that some of the transition issues were not specific to adoption but just the reality that family dynamics do alter and shift when families expand whether by birth or adoption. If I was offering advice to someone considering adoption, I would encourage them to pay attention to the needs of all of their children both as individuals and as a family unit.  I would encourage parents to look at their emotional, physical, and financial resources. I would encourage them to look at their own strengths and needs individually and as a couple and to then evaluate adding another child to the family in the context of all of the above.  

[Evan]

I've been trying to decide what to say since I first read this thread. It is giving me the other side of what I grew up in. I was in the foster care system for most of my childhood. I was a "damaged child." (That label hurts, but I guess it is true and I understand how it could be used.) I would rather not post details here. But I had foster parents who were awesome, and some that were truly absolutely awful. We need more awesome parents. I'm willing to answer questions via PM.

 

My fourteen year old daughter came into our family through foster care and subsequent adoption.  She is truly one of the great blessings of my life and I know that my wife would say the same.  

[imagine.more]

We did foster-to-adopt and just finalized adoption on our 12 year old daughter. And yes, we broke the 'rules' that say you should never adopt out of birth order. We also adopted an "older child". And she's not white and we are white. And she's got special needs (hearing impaired and some learning disabilities we're just figuring out with a good neuropsych). But honestly, the worst parts were the stress of the time before she came to live with us, waiting and hoping and agonizing over different children on the waiting child lists, and the transition to her moving in. Now don't get me wrong, SHE was absolutely fine, totally normal kid making a transition and has needs outside of her control and never had any truly bad behaviors, just normal kid stuff like being hyper or lying about homework or arguing with siblings. It was hard because it was a big transition for me to have a whole new fully-functioning tween in the house, lol! It was exactly like bringing a baby home (emotionally) but without the easy bonding opportunities that nursing and bathing and dressing provide. As the adults, my husband and I had to make lots of adjustments and in trying to make sure all 4 kids' needs were met (including a 9 month old baby at the time) we got very little sleep and were very stressed. It was somewhere more stressful than bringing a normal baby home but less stressful than bringing a colicky baby home :) I've done both so i should know, haha!

 

Anyway, we were very nervous and we prayed and prepared for 5 years to adopt before we finally were in a  good position to do it. And though it's been hard I'm glad we did. Our daughter is totally our meant-to-be, I'm so glad she's here safe with us. I grieve for the past when she wasn't cared for or protected many times but I'm so grateful to have the chance to make sure she will always be cared for and protected from here on out. And our biological kids have adjusted to the new situation but have not experienced anything scary like being cursed at or anything. They love Ana and she loves them. Sometimes they squabble but never has she said anything truly mean or way out of line like that she hates them. She's never once hit anyone, said a swear word, or stolen their things. Their adjustment has been not much different than a new baby, except the birth order thing. Even that, our oldest is the only one who had adjustments to make and he's done beautifully. We talk him through it and we talk her through it (it's a big adjustment for her! She was a middle child and is now the oldest!). We have tried to treat her like our own child from the moment she moved in, even before parental rights were terminated. Our situation was less complicated than most because her birth parents abandoned her completely once she was taken into foster care....never came to visitation, never did anything on their list of goals, never called. For her sake I wish it had been complicated. I wish her birthparents could have at least tried to fight for her. 

 

If you are consistently thinking about foster-adopt then I'd suggest just praying about it and occasionally talking with your husband about it. if he changes his mind then you guys can go ahead and if not then I highly recommend doing things like CASA work, the Safe Families thing someone else mentioned, Respite Care, or just volunteer or donate things like backpacks and such. Foster kids often have to move a lot and good luggage is nice to have, otherwise they have to move their stuff in plastic trash bags. They also often need school supplies and foster parents don't get a big stipend so many would be thankful to have someone who donated basic school supplies. That also helps when they get a new school-age kid and need to get them supplies overnight practically. You could also work as a mentor. If you are talented in photography offer to do free photos of kids! Oftentimes they have no personal artifacts from childhood, or very little, and their waiting child photos are often blurry, dark, and badly done candid shots from school or court hearings. A nice photo would really help their personality shine so they could get adopted.

[Kristie in Florida]

My fourteen year old daughter came into our family through foster care and subsequent adoption. She is truly one of the great blessings of my life and I know that my wife would say the same.

:) I love to hear that. I turned 18 before I found a forever home, but my younger sister did find one and they are truly amazing. She calls them Mom and Dad, I don't, but they always said that I could.

[Evan]

Ottakee... there are so many things that I could say. So many stories. Both good and bad.

 

I can only speak for my sister and I, but we absolutely noticed when bio children got better things than we did. We usually had to go to respite when they went on vacation. I would dread Christmas. As a parent now I can see their side of it, if I try, but it really really hurt, then.

 

We have always focused on making sure that all of our children whether biological, foster, or adopted have gotten all that they needed and a decent amount of what they wanted.  We try to be fair but not necessarily equal and generally I think that works.

 

The vacation issue can be hard. I know that in some states there are problems with traveling out of state with foster children and that respite may be necessary for logistical reasons.  We've been fortunate that in our area as long as the caseworker is in agreement most judges will grant guardianship and then traveling out of state is not an issue. 

[Kristie in Florida]

We have always focused on making sure that all of our children whether biological, foster, or adopted have gotten all that they needed and a decent amount of what they wanted. We try to be fair but not necessarily equal and generally I think that works.

 

The vacation issue can be hard. I know that in some states there are problems with traveling out of state with foster children and that respite may be necessary for logistical reasons. We've been fortunate that in our area as long as the caseworker is in agreement most judges will grant guardianship and then traveling out of state is not an issue.

That makes a lot of sense, this particular family did travel out of state. I wish I remember if they told us it was because of legal issues. We did go on vacation with them once though, out of state. So I'm not sure.

[Guest]

Ottakee... there are so many things that I could say. So many stories. Both good and bad.

 

I can only speak for my sister and I, but we absolutely noticed when bio children got better things than we did. We usually had to go to respite when they went on vacation. I would dread Christmas. As a parent now I can see their side of it, if I try, but it really really hurt, then.

Holy moly. It would not even enter my mind to go on a "family" vacation and not bring the foster child(ren). It is actually one of the logistics I have thought about, i.e., thinking about could we still take our annual ski vacation, because I would not even consider going if we could not all go.

[Ottakee]

Ottakee... there are so many things that I could say. So many stories. Both good and bad.

 

I can only speak for my sister and I, but we absolutely noticed when bio children got better things than we did. We usually had to go to respite when they went on vacation. I would dread Christmas. As a parent now I can see their side of it, if I try, but it really really hurt, then.

 

That is really sad.  In our area, there are great programs to provide foster children with gifts, etc.  When one of mine was still in foster care she got a $100 doll house along with some clothes and other toys when she was 3.

 

When we have had foster children over the holidays it can be hard as we don't have unlimited funds and our kids usually get about $50 in gifts while the foster children might get $100-200 worth of stuff through the agency program and we try to get them something from us as well..........so it is my own kids that end up with way less.

 

The vacation thing can be tricky.  Depending on the case, court order, visitation schedule, etc. it can be impossible to take a foster child on vacation because they must be at court ordered visits every week (or twice a week) or they can't be allowed out of state, etc.  In other cases it is easier to work it out to get permission to take them for 1-2 weeks and even out of state.

 

It is also harder if the foster family has planned a "once in a lifetime" vacation to Disney or something as it could cost a thousand dollars or more extra to take the child if it means extra airfare, a larger hotel room (costs more money--esp. if the child must have their own bed and not share), extra tickets, etc.  Not saying the foster child shouldn't go along but there should be some sort of support for this. 

 

In our area foster parents are paid $15-17/day for the care of the child............which sadly is much less than the rate for doggy day care, baby daycare, etc.