When it's a "mandatory" parent meeting....

[SparklyUnicorn]

There still may be info missing.

 

And part of the reason for a meeting is for people to ask questions.  There is nothing more annoying than me taking a lot of time out of my schedule to have a meeting and answering a lot of questions only to have Jane, who didn't show up for the meeting, email me about 10 of the same questions that were already answered.  Only this time I need to type them all out and email them to just her.

 

 This is a huge sore spot for me.  

 

Maybe, but she is sending someone with her daughter.  It's not like she is completely ignoring it.  At the parent meetings I've been to, nobody took attendance.  They wouldn't have known if I was the mother or the aunt or some random stranger on the street.  All very important questions were answered on the printed information and the e-mail information. 

 

Nobody at the meeting asked anything.  The only thing I would have missed I suppose was meeting all of the long time volunteers.  Which was good because these are the people who are in charge of a lot of the behind the scenes stuff. 

 

I only have 2 kids and I don't work outside the house.  I do homeschool so that's something, but that's also fairly flexible.  Some people have a lot more going on so it is difficult for some people to juggle everything.  If they need other people in their lives to help them make it work, why should they be dinged for that?

 

And then there are people who you know will show up to those meetings and still manage to be late, miss information, etc.  Some people can't get their act together and nothing you do will change that about them.  One of the things they asked us 100,000 times in a 100 different ways was to not be late for rehearsals.  Still, EVERY single time there are people who are late.  Some people don't know how to be on time.  And they were at the parent meetings. 

[SparklyUnicorn]

There still may be info missing.

 

And part of the reason for a meeting is for people to ask questions.  There is nothing more annoying than me taking a lot of time out of my schedule to have a meeting and answering a lot of questions only to have Jane, who didn't show up for the meeting, email me about 10 of the same questions that were already answered.  Only this time I need to type them all out and email them to just her.

 

 This is a huge sore spot for me.  

 

For example.  This last week there was a meeting for the parents whose younger kids are going on a campout.  The meeting was to discuss the menu and plan the activities.  One mom said to "just email her."

 

Fine.

 

We all planned the menu, how to cook it, what the activities were, etc......

 

The details were then sent out via email.  WELLLLL.......Miss Jane didn't want that menu as her son couldn't have X or Y.  And then she wanted to change the activities because her son didn't like W or P.

 

Well, tough......you didn't come to the meeting, nor were you involved in the planning, nor did you give any input.  

 

Again, huge sore spot for me.  

 

I totally hear you, but no matter what you will encounter this.  It's par for the course.  And it's a big reason I don't volunteer for some stuff.  I can't stand that either.  Some people are better than me at letting stuff roll off their back. 

 

 

 

[Lisbeth]

I think I have an auditory processing issue (undiagnosed) on top of my adhd (diagnosed). I just have a h*llish time processing verbal instruction. The truth is, unless it is in writing, it is not going to stick for me. I know it is probably an unusual exception, but I resent mandatory meetings because they are largely a waste of my time. :(

Also I can read and process an email in about 1/10 the time a meeting takes, not including drive time, etc. Just my pref.

Also meetings once in a while seem somewhat reasonable, but for some leaders and/or activities, my INTJ self thinks it is just a matter of extroverts who love to talk to a captive audience. INTJ tolerance for time-wasting nonsense approaches negative numbers.

One more thing...I am saying all of this to this board, but in person I am much more polite. I don't seethe and glare in meetings. When needed, though, I skip without apology. I also tend to suggest an email instead, rather than in addition to the meeting, politely. Usually ignored.

[Haiku]

One of the things they asked us 100,000 times in a 100 different ways was to not be late for rehearsals.  Still, EVERY single time there are people who are late.  Some people don't know how to be on time.  And they were at the parent meetings. 

 

Yeah, as I have gotten older (and older, and older, *sigh*), one of the things that I have realized is that people are imperfect, and if you expect them to behave perfectly and get bent out of shape when they don't, you will just be angry and frustrated most of the time.

[StephanieZ]

FWIW, I agree that ideally the mom would have a sitter (SIL) stay with her nappers, but, if her kids were like mine, babies under a year were pretty much inseparable from Mom due to exclusively nursing and not being remotely interested in a bottle with pumped milk. (And a club/whatever should really not be a motivator for Mom to supplement with bottles anyway, IMHO.) Now, my babies got dragged along to whatever I wanted to do all day long, with no firm schedule at all. So, nap times were never an issue for me. The babes always just tagged along. However, some families I've known put their young kids on such strict schedules that they only broke nap time or bed time schedules for truly life threatening emergencies or incredible major events (such as weddings). My goddaughter was one of these kids, and it drove me nuts hearing nap/bed schedule for scheduling ANY event EVER, plus she went to bed early (7?) and had fixed meal times and bed time preparation routines, too. It was NUTS . . . BUT, it was their kid, their life, so I sucked it up. She had been a cranky newborn and this was how they coped and they felt the schedules were imperative to their child's and family's wellbeing. Can't argue with that.

 

So, anyway, personally, I'd not DO what the mom did, but I'd readily accept it. She's sending the kid and a responsible adult, which is more than many bother to do.  

[bettyandbob]

There still may be info missing.

 

And part of the reason for a meeting is for people to ask questions.  There is nothing more annoying than me taking a lot of time out of my schedule to have a meeting and answering a lot of questions only to have Jane, who didn't show up for the meeting, email me about 10 of the same questions that were already answered.  Only this time I need to type them all out and email them to just her.

 

 This is a huge sore spot for me.  

 

For example.  This last week there was a meeting for the parents whose younger kids are going on a campout.  The meeting was to discuss the menu and plan the activities.  One mom said to "just email her."

 

Fine.

 

We all planned the menu, how to cook it, what the activities were, etc......

 

The details were then sent out via email.  WELLLLL.......Miss Jane didn't want that menu as her son couldn't have X or Y.  And then she wanted to change the activities because her son didn't like W or P.

 

Well, tough......you didn't come to the meeting, nor were you involved in the planning, nor did you give any input.  

 

Again, huge sore spot for me.  

 

To me this a risk you take when you don't go or take measures ahead of time on the issue. At that point it is up the organizer to say "You didn't come and didn't inform us ahead, the event is planned. Perhaps next time you can participate in a meaningful manner".

 

I have kids with special needs. I know with dietary restrictions, sensory issues, other crap, etc. unless I was involved I was going to have to pack alternative food and figure out how to coach my dc through an activity. I accepted that. I don't know why other parents expect you to plan around their dc when they don't take the time to get involved.

 

I didn't go to every meeting. When I could I told organizers "Ahead dd or ds cannot eat XYZ. If you can handle making substitution, alternatives for XYZ are ABC. Please let me know if I can help with shopping." Sometimes substitutes were made, sometimes not. I didn't expect a substitution made every time.

 

Anyway, I understand a kid having special needs, but that means the parent has to try harder to participate and make things work for the kid. The parent should not pull "woe is me, I can't handle participating" but you, persons who can participate and eat bon bons, must fix things for me after the fact."  And like I said participating can involve communication BEFORE planning meetings, especially if the parent cannot attend such meetings.

[SKL]

So, do mandatory meetings really stop people from asking questions and being a pain afterward?  ;)

 

I never get all my questions answered in a meeting.  Whether it's because time for questions is limited, the organizers don't know the answer and have to get back to me (but never do until I follow up with an email), or I forget or fail to think of the question at the time.  Or the question / concern is of a nature that it needs to be voiced privately.  Or I assume everyone else will think it is a lame question because I am new or whatever.

 

I really wish people were better at communicating in writing, or just communicating in general.  I get the schedule and I mark my calendar and change everything else around, only to find out (at the last minute) that the organizers decided to scrap that event or replace it with something else at an unworkable time / place.  Or, I want to understand how xyz is done, something that everyone in the nationwide organization has had to do many times, and there is no explanation in writing anywhere.  So I have to be the 1000th parent who asks the same question.  Then the leaders act annoyed at having to spend the time answering my ignorant questions.  The guilt trip - maybe I should have to volunteer to do something to make up for all the trouble I'm putting others through.  Blah.

 

Sometimes I think I should be more like my mom, and tell my kids "NO" if it's anything requiring parent involvement.

[KungFuPanda]

This is actually not my story, my friend was complaining about this and I was curious how others viewed it. My friend has a few "issues" I was wondering if I was off base in thinking she was making a big deal about it. I think I'll steer clear of her for a while.

Your "friend" does seem a little out there on this one, but I guess we all get a few Flake Passes in this life.

 

Put me in the category of folks who believe that "mandatory" with no consequences means nothing. It's a misuse of the word.

[LucyStoner]

If the SIL has a child in the program herself presumably she will be equally as attentive as a parent.

 

Hellz, in some cases more attentive than the parent.

[Annie G]

Mandatory meetings are a pain for parents who follow rules and know the drill. But for newer parents, those who try to bend the rules, or for the organizer, mandatory meetings are helpful. 

 

Our kids spent years performing with a theater group.  80-100 kids in every cast, so that many sets of parents PLUS the step parents.  We had two mandatory meetings per show to make sure everyone was told the same info at the same time.   That way, when things happen, the coordinator could remind the parent that the info was given out at the meeting. For instance, parents would drop their kid off an hour after rehearsal started, forget that there were school day shows and not allow their kid to miss school to perform, miss tech rehearsals,  not send money for the kid to buy dinner, send the kid to a performance without base makeup or hair done, etc.   When dealing with 80-100 kids, there are just too many things going on and parents have to either commit or not. 

 

When kids were old enough to drive, we'd occasionally have kids who would skip rehearsal or show up really late. After a certain number, they were dropped from a scene and potentially the show. That changes things- someone needs to assume that role, choreography changes, etc.  Parents would get mad because their kid was cut but then claim they didn't even know there was this policy....which is stated at every meeting and signed off on at auditions.  It didn't necessarily eliminate problems but it did help coordinators when kids had to face consequences.   I was grateful for those rules being clearly stated- parents were catty enough about whose kids got which roles. I was just an assistant and sometimes had to pull a kid from a scene and it could get ugly very fast. 

 

Mandatory meetings for parents who are veterans of a group could probably be managed better- they are annoying when you hear the same stuff over and over. There's usually a little bit of new info- dates, costs, etc.  But veterans sometimes miss that because they zone out because 90% of the discussion is a repeat of what they already know. 

 

 

[SKL]

I don't really understand how being able to say "we told you at the mandatory meeting" is helpful.  The problems still occur, because people either didn't hear / understand / remember what was said at the meeting.

 

Would it not be even better to put the crucial requirements in writing (along with consequences for noncompliance) and make each parent sign and return the paper?

 

Even so, I would provide brief reminders of important stuff in emails, posted signs, etc., because it would seem to make compliance more likely.  Isn't that the whole point?

 

I really appreciate organizations that communicate in a variety of ways, especially online, including:

 

Email

Facebook page, which I can "like" and thereby follow

Website that is kept up-to-date and includes FAQ, rules, schedules, forms to fill out, contact info, friendly reminders, etc.

Texts for really urgent, time-sensitive stuff

 

Also, if something is important for us to do, tell my kids in case I didn't get the memo.

[Annie G]

Sometimes the issues weren't even performance related.  For instance, there are show bears, which are little stuffed bears that are dressed like a character in the show. There are moms who make these costumes for these bears and many cast kids buy one from each show they were in as a keepsake. The orders had to be made in advance- there is a coupon given out to each parent at the meeting with these optional items, prices, and deadline to turn it in w payment. And every single show, there would be parents who claimed they never heard there was a deadline and couldn't the moms make one more for their kid? Only it wasn't really one more...usually there were about five kids who wanted one.  This sounds totally minor but tell that to the moms who worked for 8 weeks making a hundred of these bears- now go make 5 more.  

 

Or the costume moms who at every parent meeting give out the costume needs for your kid- on paper- and then during show week the parent claims not to have been told the kid needed tan character shoes.  

 

Parents are actually required to sign the 'here's what you're agreeing to' at auditions, and sign in at parent meetings when they pick up their handout that details what's being presented. And yet we still had problems every single time. 

 

I guess for us we felt the meeting was a way to try to get the info out and the questions asked all at once instead of individually. So at the meeting a parent would ask if there were going to be meals provided between shows on Saturday and Sunday. Asked once, answered once, for everyone there. That saves the coordinator from having to answer it 80 times.   

 

Our group did ten 2 hour shows during a typical four day run.  Some of these kids were as young as eight so that's a lot of time to be at the theater. It can be stressful for kids to juggle performing and school, and for parents to juggle work and their kids' commitments.  It just helps if we're all on the same page. 

 

Would emails work as well as a mandatory meeting?  Do you just ask parents to reply so you know they're read the email?   The theater group should try that and see if it impacts the issues they have. If the issues don't get worse, I would consider that a success and save the time it takes to arrange and hold those two meetings. 

 

 

 

 

[swellmomma]

Ok, she is sending her child with an adult that would already be there because her daughter is also in the troupe, so someone is not really coming in her place.  I just feel like if you have a child and it's a parent meeting, then you need to do everything to attend.  If this person is a first timer for the troupe and her daughter gets a better part than my daughter but did not follow the "rules" to do so, it makes me upset. 

I am going out on a limb to say I don't think that mom is the special snowflake in this situation.  Your friend being petty imo about this.

[swellmomma]

I have attended many a parent meeting, missed many too, and have even run a few.  THe #1 thing I tell organizers whether I can be there or not is put it in writing.  IF it is not written down it doesn't exist to me, I simply can't remember.  THe vast majority now email me the info either before or after any meeting, especially if dates or times are being discussed.  I have not attended a single parent meeting this year despite the kids being in activities 7 days a week, It has nothing to do with being a special snowflake and everything to do with the fact I work 3 jobs (plus a 4th one on a very casual basis), have 4 kids in activities that over lap, 2 of them have special needs enough that have to monitor their participation in things, am taking 3 college courses plus schooling the kids.  Last night I was scheduled to attend 3 meetings at the same time.  I attended my staff meeting for 30 minutes (so only 1/2 of it), grabbed the teens from drama and dropped at cadets, I missed the parent meeting(we have them monthly-always the same night as staff meetings it seems), but had to talk to the new CO a bit, drop off some paperwork etc, my third I discovered at that point was cancelled, or I would have gone zooming from cadets to the 3rd meeting before heading back to pick up the teens.  I already burn the candle at both ends and in the middle, I might give what sounds like a lame excuse to get out of things mainly because I have no desire to list out how awesome I am :P  Generally I lay it out at registration day though "I will not be at meeting, I will not be able to sign up to volunteer for much, etc this is why, blah blah blah, if there is things I can do to help you from my home in the few minutes I have to myself in a day let me know" THis has worked well, reduces my need to give any excuses on a per meeting basis and when I have told organizers at the start of the year why, they never have a problem with it knowing there is only so many hours in the day, it is important to my family that my kids participate in things but that doesn't mean I can handle anything further on my plate at that time.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Yeah, as I have gotten older (and older, and older, *sigh*), one of the things that I have realized is that people are imperfect, and if you expect them to behave perfectly and get bent out of shape when they don't, you will just be angry and frustrated most of the time.

 

Well the lateness thing is a major pet peeve of mine, but apparently some people just don't know how to be on time.

 

I think the way the choir people have handled this is they tell people to be there way earlier than actually necessary so even the late people aren't late.  The woman who has been running it has been doing it for something like 30 years so it's a pretty well oiled machine at this point. 

[songsparrow]

I think the way the choir people have handled this is they tell people to be there way earlier than actually necessary so even the late people aren't late.  The woman who has been running it has been doing it for something like 30 years so it's a pretty well oiled machine at this point. 

 

As someone who makes it a point to be on time, I *hate* this.  I arrived at the "mandatory" parents' meeting for the swim team a couple of minutes before it was scheduled to begin.  The room was less than half full (small room for a fairly large number of swimmers).  I wondered what time the meeting would actually begin.  At ten minutes after the scheduled meeting time, a *huge* group of parents walked in.  The meeting started after they got settled.

 

Similar thing with back-to-school night.  It started 10-15 minutes late.  I get that sometimes people (myself included) get held up in unexpected traffic or have trouble finding a parking spot or for whatever reason life interferes.  But once people know that things will be starting 10 minutes late, people don't even try to get there on time any longer.  So should I get there at the scheduled time? 10 minutes late? 20 minutes late? 30 minutes late?

[SparklyUnicorn]

As someone who makes it a point to be on time, I *hate* this.  I arrived at the "mandatory" parents' meeting for the swim team a couple of minutes before it was scheduled to begin.  The room was less than half full (small room for a fairly large number of swimmers).  I wondered what time the meeting would actually begin.  At ten minutes after the scheduled meeting time, a *huge* group of parents walked in.  The meeting started after they got settled.

 

Similar thing with back-to-school night.  It started 10-15 minutes late.  I get that sometimes people (myself included) get held up in unexpected traffic or have trouble finding a parking spot or for whatever reason life interferes.  But once people know that things will be starting 10 minutes late, people don't even try to get there on time any longer.  So should I get there at the scheduled time? 10 minutes late? 20 minutes late? 30 minutes late?

 

Yep.  I'm in the same boat.  It kinda stresses me out.  Like the one time I decide not to be exactly on time because they never start exactly on time they will decide to start exactly on time and then I'll be late and upset about being late and won't stop thinking about it for like 10 years after the fact.  LOL

 

Happened this week.  I arrived at the time stated.  We were sitting around twiddling our thumbs. 

 

It's ok though.  I'd rather have that extra time to twiddle than to be late.  But I do totally understand what you mean.

I know people say, oh well nobody is perfect and stuff happens.  Absolutely.  Except the people who are late are the same people week after week.  So it's not that something came up and they aren't perfect and hey stuff happens.  Whatever their issue is, I do not understand it.  I try to, but I don't. 

[SKL]

The late thing - it's genetic.  I know because it runs in my family.  :leaving:

 

I'm a lot better than I used to be ....

[SparklyUnicorn]

The late thing - it's genetic.  I know because it runs in my family.  :leaving:

 

I'm a lot better than I used to be ....

 

I'm starting to believe it.  I think some people don't have a good sense for how long stuff takes.  I tend to think things will take a lot longer than they do so I'm always early. 

[Haiku]

If I arrived at 6:55 for a 7:00 meeting, and the meeting hadn't started by 7:10 (maybe 7:15 if I'm feeling generous), I would leave.

 

"Sorry I can't stay for the meeting, but since it's starting late I can see it's going to run late and I would rather not have to walk out while you're talking."

 

I'm responsible for me and no one else (well, except my kids, but that's not really what I am getting at).

[SparklyUnicorn]

If I arrived at 6:55 for a 7:00 meeting, and the meeting hadn't started by 7:10 (maybe 7:15 if I'm feeling generous), I would leave.

 

"Sorry I can't stay for the meeting, but since it's starting late I can see it's going to run late and I would rather not have to walk out while you're talking."

 

I'm responsible for me and no one else (well, except my kids, but that's not really what I am getting at).

 

Well to give an example of the last time this happened to me.  They told everyone to arrive one hour and 15 minutes before the show.  So I did.  I waited at least 15 minutes before there was even anyone ready to have me check my son in for the show.  They do need some warm up time, but I can't imagine it takes more than 10 minutes to warm up.  I think an hour before is enough time.  But I suspect they say an hour and 15 minutes with the hope that people aren't too late.  This is my first year with this gig so I guess I'll learn how they roll. 

[swellmomma]

haha I am perpetually late, even for work.  Never by much but always a few minutes.  SOmething always happens, I give myself 30 minutes to make the 15 minute drive and still end up late, or for appts in the city, I will leave 3 hours before the appt which is 2 hours away, and still end up 30 minutes late.  Something always happens, if I leave even earlier it doesn't help, I still end up a couple minute late.  I like to be on time so it is frustrating, because I have not been on time in over a decade no matter how much I try.

[SKL]

LOL I have to have my kids at the pool in 7 minutes.  Ha!

[Ellie]

If it's a *mandatory* meeting, then there should be some sort of penalty or consequence for missing it. If it's not mandatory enough for that, then it shouldn't be called "mandatory."

 

Group leaders need to think long and hard about saying that a meeting is mandatory.

[swellmomma]

haha I am perpetually late, even for work.  Never by much but always a few minutes.  SOmething always happens, I give myself 30 minutes to make the 15 minute drive and still end up late, or for appts in the city, I will leave 3 hours before the appt which is 2 hours away, and still end up 30 minutes late.  Something always happens, if I leave even earlier it doesn't help, I still end up a couple minute late.  I like to be on time so it is frustrating, because I have not been on time in over a decade no matter how much I try.

Yeah, so I gave myself 45 minutes to get to work today, got half way and my tire shredded while doing 110km/hr down the highway, tried to put on spare could not loosen lug nuts.  Old german man stopped to help me, he got the lugs off but then the rim wouldn't budge, so he flagged down a semi and that driver brought a hammer over and loosened the rim.  THey worked together to put the spare on.  Loaded the kids back into the car (only had my youngest 2 with me), continued on to town, still had to drop ds11 off at the library.  GOt to work, I was 40 minutes late after giving myself so much time (again it is only 15 minutes down the highway from me.) Yeah, it's always something that makes me late, though this time I was much later than just a few minutes

[katilac]

So, do mandatory meetings really stop people from asking questions and being a pain afterward?  ;)

 

 

I can assure you that it does not, lol. 

 

I don't mind people emailing me after a meeting, whether they attended or not. The planned information will already be in written form, and the unplanned information (from people asking questions) might as well be put in written form, for clarity and because others will have the same question. So emails don't bother me at all, it's just cut and paste, repeat repeat repeat, and replies are sent at my convenience and without interrupting my day. 

 

Phone calls are an interruption and inconvenience for me, so I don't answer questions that way unless absolutely needed. Emails and texts? No big deal. I have often forgotten or misplaced information, so I expect that others will do the same. 

[Rebel Yell]

Well to give an example of the last time this happened to me.  They told everyone to arrive one hour and 15 minutes before the show.  So I did.  I waited at least 15 minutes before there was even anyone ready to have me check my son in for the show.  They do need some warm up time, but I can't imagine it takes more than 10 minutes to warm up.  I think an hour before is enough time.  But I suspect they say an hour and 15 minutes with the hope that people aren't too late.  This is my first year with this gig so I guess I'll learn how they roll. 

 

SweetChild's show choir has a call time 1 hour before performance time. The featured vocal solos and dances are triple-cast, so if someone is missing the have to re-cast the leads and sometimes run through dances with different partners. They also do vocal and dance warm-ups, set costumes and accessroies for quick-changes. 1/2 hour would be plenty of time if everyone actually got there exactly on time and completely ready to go onstage... :glare:   but an hour seems to work.

[SparklyUnicorn]

SweetChild's show choir has a call time 1 hour before performance time. The featured vocal solos and dances are triple-cast, so if someone is missing the have to re-cast the leads and sometimes run through dances with different partners. They also do vocal and dance warm-ups, set costumes and accessroies for quick-changes. 1/2 hour would be plenty of time if everyone actually got there exactly on time and completely ready to go onstage... :glare:   but an hour seems to work.

 

Yeah for the next show I got an e-mail today with quite an elaborate staggered schedule.  I am pretty sure I know how that will go.

[inmyopinion]

This is actually not my story, my friend was complaining about this and I was curious how others viewed it. My friend has a few "issues" I was wondering if I was off base in thinking she was making a big deal about it. I think I'll steer clear of her for a while.

Ok, I am confused, so it is not your child in the acting group?  Or are you referring to another part off the story?  

[Prairie~Phlox]

My daughter is in the group, but I am not the one that had the issues with things, a friend was venting to me. She has her own issues.