Learning not to let judgments effect you

[abba12]

I'm struggling to not let others judgments effect me. People have said it's because I am still young, that it gets to me more than it should and as I grow older I will learn to ignore what people think of me. But it doesn't seem that easy to me right now!

 

My family is going through a hard time at the moment. My husband has been diagnosed with Narcolepsy, and EVERYONE has an opinion on it, many of them crappy. Even his best friend has told him taking medication for it is a mistake, despite having no idea how severe it is because my husband works hard to control it around others. We've even got one friend putting serious pressure on us to move house because he thinks it would be better for us, and constantly pointing out the negatives of where we live. My husband has been told off for doing the right thing by multiple people (informing his job of his diagnosis and surrendering his license. Multiple people are telling him he shouldn't have done either)

 

I have my own 'invisible illness' of CPTSD so I have been getting these sorts of opinions for years, but it's a new one for my husband to be the target of people who think they know everything about a condition they can't see, don't understand, and quite often can't even remember the name of!

 

On top of that we are having issues with doctors and have had to send a letter to two of them which will probably result in getting us what we need, but them not liking us all that much anymore

 

I have also recently spoken to a friend who I recently regained contact with about some sensitive stuff that needed to be spoken about, but I don't know how well he will take it and what he will think of me, I still haven't gotten a reply to my very long email

 

And to add on top of it, people have taken the opportunity of my husband losing his licence to remind me why I definitely need to not have any more children for at least 4 or 5 years or I will end up completely neglecting the ones I have if I even live through the pregnancy because my body definitely can't have another baby, apparently. Losing his licence means I definitely can't have kids now according to these people (I can't drive, so they're right, there will be some challenges short term)

 

Now with so much judgment coming our way I am feeling anxious about everything. Thinking things like 'oh no, I forgot to message so-and-so, they'll be upset with me' or 'I said the wrong thing to such-and-such, now she won't want her kids around mine'. Usually I am not this anxious, truly I'm not. I guess the stress and direct judgment I've been getting lately are just putting me seriously on edge. My CPTSD is not helping anything either.

 

It's easy to say its our life, don't worry if people say DH shouldn't take medication or I shouldn't have more kids, but we have very few friends, and a very divided family. If we dismiss the friend that is anti-meds immediately, maybe he will just decide not to bother with us, and that would hurt a lot. If we upset the doctors they might not help us. If we completely ignore the family member nagging about not having kids, they might decide we are too much trouble and disappear. I've just realized typing all this out that this is in part, for me, a separation anxiety thing... I'm scared of people leaving me. That makes sense. My mum distanced herself emotionally from me when I refused to be who she wanted me to be from the age of 12. When I was 16 and she moved away with her new boyfriend, she didn't even tell me she was leaving. I guess that's where some of the fear is coming from then. I don't cope well with losing friends or family, she's not the only person who has left me either.

 

Help me to stop caring what they think of us. I know we are making the best decisions we can. I know that I know far more about the situations being commented on than anyone commenting. But I can't help it, I feel overwhelmed by pressure to be who everyone else thinks I 'should' be.  I just want them all to shut up and support us instead of telling us what we 'need' to be doing or not doing in their eyes.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Can you tell them that's what you need? Tell them you can't even sort between all the conflicting opinions and you are getting very stressed out, so shut up and let you and DH hunker down and deal?

abba, nice people take that pretty well. If you aren't angry, even if you ARE a little hysterical, most people will say, "I'm sorry, I just care about you so much," and they will try to reign it in.

If they don't, have all phone calls go to voicemail. In real life, if people are cornering you, tell them you're sorry but you have developed spastic colon due to stress. Then you can run off to hide in the bathroom for 15 minutes. Avoid them when you come back out.

I'm not even kidding!

For real anxiety, which you might be working up to (and who could blame you), see your doctor. People sometimes need some help during extremely stressful times. There is help.

 

[Jean in Newcastle]

It sounds like they know an awful lot of personal stuff about you?  Very few people in real life know my diagnoses - except for my doctors, of course.  

[Rosie_0801]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Justmeandyou]

I would stop sharing so much information with everyone. 

[Mrs Mungo]

Can neither of you drive now? Are you in a walkable area or are you relying on other people a lot? I am just wondering if the need for assistance is driving the over-sharing. Are there local services that could help instead?

[texasmama]

(((hugs)))  Slowly take a few steps back.  Now is not the time to try and work out old hurts with people.  Divert conversations that are unhelpful and unsupportive.  Don't answer the phone.  If you need to interact with people, keep it at a surface level - "Thank you for your concern.  How is your aunt Susie?  Have some bean dip.  I have to go to the bathroom.  Would you like me to get you some water while I'm up?"

 

IME, it does help when you get older, but you are not older now, and you can't fix that, obviously.  You are anxious due to some specific things that have happened which are reason for upset and anxiety, and it sounds like that specific anxiety is spilling over into more general anxiety, which is not at all atypical.

 

Take care of yourself, mama.  (((hugs)))  Lean on some folks who will not tell you what you need to do but will just listen and offer support.

[Mrs Mungo]

I will say that people constantly try to armchair quarterback illnesses they know nothing about. Just be glad they aren't trying to well you essential oils or something crazy to cute you both.

[Jen in NY]

((abba))

 

I say this very gently... the last thing you probably need is someone else's uninformed opinion about your situation.

 

But..... sometimes, people are just trying to talk things out. They are concerned for you and if you bring up what's going on they are going to try and connect with you and give voice to their concern. Would it be possible for you to reframe what is happening in these interactions with the people in your life that care about you? If you respond in a neutral way.... "hmmm, I'll have to think about what you said..." or "I hadn't thought of that" ... it may be easier  to accept their concern without perceiving it as judgement. Then, just take it all in and make your own choices with your husband.

 

(((hugs))) to you both.

 

 

[elegantlion]

I learned to keep my mouth shut about a lot of things. I found trusted advisors in areas where I needed it. I still do that, Not everyone knows the details of my life. It's hard sometimes and you can feel like you're not being honest if you're used to sharing, but it's part of learning to put on your own oxygen mask first. 

 

I've been separated for over 18 months, there are still relatives that don't know despite the fact my mom talks to them often because they would spew judgment. She's the one that doesn't want to tell them, so we don't. 

 

There is also a point of not accepting every piece of information you've been given. Short phrases to deflect back, yet still be polite. 

 

Age does help, because you get thicker skin, you realize that your journey through life is not like others. It helps you realize that while most are well-intentioned they are not experts or even well-informed on a subject. They may be lovely people and experts in other ways, but their advice made out of ignorance can be ignored and still enjoy them as people. 

 

During times of chaos, certain people are let into my circle of trust. It's a lot smaller than it used to be. 

[Tammi K]

No advice, except Tibbie's is great!!!!! But, :grouphug: s. You have a very full plate. I'll be thinking of you. 

[LucyStoner]

Firstly, I am so sorry. 

 

Second, I have found this workbook to be very helpful in letting go of what I think others may be thinking and accepting myself.  My therapist recommends it a lot to people with PTSD and a lot of anxiety. 

 

http://www.amazon.com/Dialectical-Behavior-Therapy-Skills-Workbook/dp/1572245131

 

Third, I second (third? fourth?) Tibbie's post. 

 

Finally, I would just say that there is no shame in seeking help.  It sounds to me like you might be reaching out to people for support but in doing so oversharing with people who have no viable way to be helpful.  There's no reason to be seeking help from people who can't help you.  Limit who you discuss certain things with.  I have a fantastically stressful family thing going on right now.  I share the details with very few people IRL.  I make it a policy to not discuss it negatively with anyone else in the family.  I vent to my husband, one friend and my therapist.  Beyond that IRL there's little to be gained from discussing more than the neutral matter of fact need to know basic details.  I do share some of it online but in a relatively closed space.  This really helps to minimize my stress level.  Telling everyone is just too draining.  Getting appropriate professional help is key.  See your doctor.  Find a therapist.  Take care of yourself and your family. 

 

It's not easy.  Lots of virtual hugs here. 

[abba12]

Yes part of the issue is necessary over-sharing on a practical level. I am blind so cannot drive, and DH not driving is a huge blow for us, even though it is only, hopefully, temporary. So all close (distance) family had to know what was happening just so we could get basics sorted like groceries and doctors appointments. We don't live in built up area so walking wont get us anywhere, we do have access to one fairly limited bus. DH can get to work so that is good. There are some services but they are all catered to the elderly and can't offer transport for children, so the kids and I are basically housebound for the next 6 months. 

 

We only told two close friends on his side, one has been great, the other has been terribly judgmental even though he is DH best friend and we thought we could trust him. DH had to tell some workmates because he works in a small company, less than 15 employees, and suddenly being dropped off in the mornings is very noticeable, especially since they know I can't drive, so it's someone outside the family going out of their way to do it. He couldn't claim it was simple carpooling, we live way too far out in the country for that. He didn't want to lie, and in our area people are pretty open about their lives. People were also wondering why we stopped going to church, so much of the church now knows as we were put on the prayer list. We don't mind, we both come from very open families and communities, and have never been among the sort of people who bottle a lot up, it's just not the culture we grew up in. We pray for people at church all the time in specific circumstances like this, and in the past the support from the community has been a huge help and the encouragement has outweighed the negatives. I have always kept very quiet about my CPTSD because I know that would be received very differently as a mental illness, but otherwise we were raised to support our friends and family, and expect support in return. Perhaps we're just too old fashioned. 

 

As for the conversation with a friend, it wasn't old hurts as such, it was... a period of time we went through together, but they experienced it quite differently to me, if that makes sense. It's awful timing, I know that, but I can't be around them without dealing with this, and they came back into my life, not the other way around. I could have pushed them away but, I didn't want to. This situation is a good one, it needed to happen, I just wish it hadn't happened NOW is all.

[texasmama]

I think you are coping very well considering, and I'm sorry that this is such a hard season. (((Hugs)))

[Catwoman]

I don't have any advice for you, but I'm so sorry you're hurting. It's bad enough that you have the actual physical issues to deal with, but feeling that you are being criticized and betrayed by people you thought you could trust makes everything so much worse. :(

 

I hope things start to improve for you and your dh very soon. :grouphug:

[Rosie_0801]

In situations like this, my grandfather used to tell us to say "Shut up you mad bugger, I'm sick of listening to you!"

 

That might burn bridges, so perhaps you should just think it. :D

[Catwoman]

In situations like this, my grandfather used to tell us to say "Shut up you mad bugger, I'm sick of listening to you!"

 

That might burn bridges, so perhaps you should just think it. :D

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Mrs Mungo]

If you really feel you must talk to people about it, then I would suggest finding a way to shut down well meaning but uninformed opinions. It's just like other reasons for passing the bean dip. Just let the suggestions slide over you and say, "that is something to think about," or "we should ask his doctor about that" or whatever. In the end, it's mostly just something for people to talk about with you. Most of them won't be truly invested in their suggestions.

[brehon]

(((Hugs))) agreeing with everyone else.

 

Unfortunately, rhino skin (ask our old friend Peek termed it) usually develops (for better or worse) after long, hard experience. Not helpful for you right now, though.

 

You've read lots of advice about "pass the bean dip". I just wanted to ensure that you understood that the phrase doesn't simply mean saying non-committal things like "hmmm...we'll ask his doctor" or whatever. Those sorts of replies are good to have, don't get me wrong; however, passing the bean dip is really about establishing and maintaining appropriate boundaries with people who are being inappropriate with you. Not meanly, but firmly.

 

Dh's "friend" going on about meds - not appropriate. His consequence is you don't share info with him.

 

People "helpfully" telling you to stop or delay having kids - generally inappropriate. Don't engage them on the subject other than to tell that it isn't a conversation you're going to have.

 

I realize your community is one that is open and sharing. And when people can be supportive without overstepping what should be socially understood boundaries, that's wonderful. Passing the bean dip is for when YOU have to place and enforce boundaries other people should already be observing.

 

Dh should tell his friend to lay off talking about a condition & it's treatments that he (friend) obviously knows nothing about. If/when friend won't, dh should simply not discuss the issue. If friend brings it up, dh changes the subject or walks away.

 

For the friend bugging you about moving tell him that you thank him for his concern, but that's not something you're considering right now (if that's true) and to don't bring it up again. If/when he brings it up again, don't discuss, defend, etc; change the subject or walk away.

 

It isn't easy to enforce boundaries, especially if you haven't had to do that before. Know that people may become irritated, angry, take your boundary as a personal challenge, blame you/tell you you're over-reacting, etc. Again, don't engage, discuss, or defend.

 

You and your family are going through a very tough time right now. I hope you have people who can be supportive without the need to lecture or offer unwanted advice.

[texasmama]

Good advice.  It is also perfectly fine to say, "I understand where you stand on that."  And leave it at that. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

It's also ok in the future to answer in more general terms.  

 

Why are you being dropped off at work?  "My doctor thinks it's best right now."  

Why?  "Oh, he just does."

What do you have?  "We're still figuring out all the details and how it affects me."  

Then pass that bean dip.  

[gardenmom5]

my first suggestion will be to get some books on 'boundaries'.  study them, and learn what they are, how to set them up for *you*, and how to enforce them.

 

This book:  "boundaries, when to say yes, how to say no and take control of your life" by henry cloud is a good place to start.  it also has a workbook that goes along with it.    (I'd link - but I can't on this browser)