How to get kids to just do something.

[Plateau Mama]

This is a serious question. How do I train my kids to just do something when I ask? Or even their chores for that matter?

 

Every time I ask them to do something there a big log debate as to why they shouldn't have to do it. I don't engage in the debate and I always point out they could be done with said request already but nothing works. Also, it typically takes 2-3 times if me calling them back to properly fulfill said request which is another long debate.

 

I don't ask a lot of them but when I do ask if like it to just get done.

[Plateau Mama]

Kids are 14, 12, 6.

 

6 yo is not really an issue. He is the only child that remembers to clear his dishes from the table. Typically complies with my requests.

 

12 yo is the debater. Two examples from today.

 

1. He came home from a boy scout outing and was asked to put his stuff away. He took his pack and put It in the laundry room. He was reminded that he was supposed to put everything away. This started the debate about it being done later. He was sent up to do it. When dh went to check he had taken everything out and tossed it in his floor. He was then asked to clean his room which started another debate about daddy being grumpy and yelling. So it took 4-5 tries.

 

2. He didn't put his dinner dishes in the dishwasher so I called him back to do it and said since he was already here to put the rest of the dishes in as well, maybe 10 dishes total. He said he shouldn't have to do it because he set the table. When he did finally do it only 1/2 were done.

 

14yo. She will typically do something when asked but it takes 2-3 tries before it's complete. She rarely does her chores w/a reminder. We are talking empty recycle daily, keep room vacuum ready and pick up after dog once a week.

[Ellie]

This is a serious question. How do I train my kids to just do something when I ask? Or even their chores for that matter?

 

Every time I ask them to do something there a big log debate as to why they shouldn't have to do it. I don't engage in the debate and I always point out they could be done with said request already but nothing works. Also, it typically takes 2-3 times if me calling them back to properly fulfill said request which is another long debate.

 

I don't ask a lot of them but when I do ask if like it to just get done.

 

Constant vigilance.

 

Each and every time you tell them to do something, you must require them to do it. Although you say you don't engage, you say there is a big long debate. You must not allow that.

 

And it is ok to *tell* them to do something rather than *asking* them to do something. When you *ask* someone to do something, there's an implication that he may choose not to do it.

[Plateau Mama]

I think I have started telling instead of asking. Instead of saying will you please "xyz". I try to say please "xyz"

 

I have only recently started calling them

Back to finish/redo something. As for the debate, trust me when I can say he can debate/grumble with himself for 30 minutes with no input from others.

[happi duck]

Constant vigilance.

 

Each and every time you tell them to do something, you must require them to do it. Although you say you don't engage, you say there is a big long debate. You must not allow that.

 

And it is ok to *tell* them to do something rather than *asking* them to do something. When you *ask* someone to do something, there's an implication that he may choose not to do it.

I agree.

 

It's so easy to accidentally sound optional or debatable.

 

"Could you take out the trash?"

"Take out the trash, okay?"

"It would help me if you'd take out the trash."

 

Better is:

"You need to take out the trash now."

 

With my dc I'm okay if they ask to finish a game or a chapter or whatever.

[SKL]

Maybe make a rule that they aren't allowed to do xyz until their chores are done?  Like, no technology / screen time or seeing / chatting with friends until chores for that part of the day are done.  And chores include picking up after oneself, taking care of one's own things.

 

If that doesn't work, save one or two nasty "extra chores" for whoever isn't being cooperative.  Like scrubbing the toilet or some equally lovely task.

[SKL]

And have set consequences if you have to ask the same thing more than twice before they start doing it.

[Plateau Mama]

Maybe make a rule that they aren't allowed to do xyz until their chores are done?  Like, no technology / screen time or seeing / chatting with friends until chores for that part of the day are done.  And chores include picking up after oneself, taking care of one's own things.

 

If that doesn't work, save one or two nasty "extra chores" for whoever isn't being cooperative.  Like scrubbing the toilet or some equally lovely task.

 they aren't allowed any technology until 3 or until their chores/schoolwork are done. Problem is they always "forgot" to do xyz and then get huffy when I make them stop and do them.

And have set consequences if you have to ask the same thing more than twice before they start doing it.

. Any thoughts on consequences? My son is very stubborn and his stubbornness overrides every currency I can think of. My daughters only currency is her softball. I have taken practice away and it helps for a bit but not enough for her to consistently do her chores.

[OneStepAtATime]

O.k. this may not help at all but when we started down a path that sounds similar to yours I started reading Smart but Scattered.  I honestly didn't believe they were resistant because they didn't know how to do their chores, but once I read that book and started an apprenticeship with each of my kids things really turned around.  

 

We started from scratch, essentially.  I told them we were starting over not because they had failed in any way but because I felt we had not effectively taught them how and why and were going to begin an apprenticeship instead.  I know this sounds silly but honestly it helped.  Starting an apprenticeship meant they were not expected to be perfect and that they would be trained.  I demonstrated EXACTLY what I expected from them for each chore, and I talked through what I was doing and why I was doing it and which things were just my personal preference and which things really did need to be done in a specific sequence for a reason, etc.    I did not bring up ANY past "failures".  I did not criticize past effort AT ALL.  I tried to make it as positive an experience as possible.  Let's face it, we are far more likely to choose to do something again if it is a positive, not a negative experience.  

 

After truly teaching them and walking through it with them, then we worked alongside each other for each chore.  We played music or sang songs or just shared stories but again, as we were doing the chore I talked them through what we were doing and asked questions to make sure they understood.  We worked as a team.  I praised effort and success.  I did not criticize mistakes.  If mistakes were made, I demonstrated again.  Then they did the chore with me nearby, and they talked me through what they were doing.  Then they did the chores completely independently.  Once they reached the last stage we had a mini celebration.  

 

It really did turn things around.  Chores are no longer dreaded and something to avoid.  Do I still need to remind them sometimes?  Yes.  But when I ask them to do it now, they do it.  No whining or avoidance and more importantly they do the chores with confidence and frequently do another person's chore just because they are nearby and it is more convenient for them to do it than the other person.  They see us all as part of a team now.  Was it a lot of work?  Yes.  But it was a lot more work to constantly be asking/telling them to do stuff and it not getting done or getting done poorly.  And they no longer see chores as truly dreaded, just as something that is necessary for the running of the household.

 

HTH....

 

P.S.  FWIW, consequences for not doing chores or doing chores poorly really wasn't terribly effective in my household.  Turning chores into a positive training experience was.

[SKL]

I seem to remember someone having a quarter jar where the kid started with x quarters each day, and every time they didn't do specific duties a quarter would be removed.  You could do a variant of this but with # of times they have to be reminded.  Frankly you should not have to tell anyone more than once per day (if that).  I would set the bar at 2x per day just to give them some grace.

 

You could require them to keep a checklist of chores, until they stop trying to tell you they "forgot."

 

You could also refuse to do their laundry (or other stuff you do for them) because there is no reciprocity and they are too old for that.

 

Before implementing these, I'd sit them down and explain that you're left feeling very frustrated with the fact that all the responsibility for remembering and following up on the chores is falling on you every day.  They are old enough to take responsibility, and responsibility means doing things without being begged or nagged.  Perhaps they don't realize just how much of your day is spent supervising their chores.

[Plateau Mama]

O.k. this may not help at all but when we started down a path that sounds similar to yours I started reading Smart but Scattered.  .  

.

  this is on my list to read, guess I should move it up on my list.

I seem to remember someone having a quarter jar where the kid started with x quarters each day, and every time they didn't do specific duties a quarter would be removed.  You could do a variant of this but with # of times they have to be reminded.  Frankly you should not have to tell anyone more than once per day (if that).  I would set the bar at 2x per day just to give them some grace.

 

You could require them to keep a checklist of chores, until they stop trying to tell you they "forgot."

 

You could also refuse to do their laundry (or other stuff you do for them) because there is no reciprocity and they are too old for that.

 

Before implementing these, I'd sit them down and explain that you're left feeling very frustrated with the fact that all the responsibility for remembering and following up on the chores is falling on you every day.  They are old enough to take responsibility, and responsibility means doing things without being begged or nagged.  Perhaps they don't realize just how much of your day is spent supervising their chores.

I've done a variance of the quarter jar. It was actually a point jar and they got certain points for doing chores w/o being asked. If they didn't earn 100 points they list electronics for the following week. This was actually pretty effective until they figured out the easiest way to earn points and it defeated the purpose.

 

My daughter has to do her laundry because she wasn't putting her clothes in the basket. My son enjoys doing laundry so I do his as a punishment.

 

I've done check lists and they ignore them or tell me they did them. When it isn't done and they are caught it's oh I. Was going to. I must have forgotten. Or, oh I thought I did it I must have forgotten.

 

I've talked to them adnasum about how frustrating/time consuming it is. My daughter apologizes and nothing changes. My son looks at me like I'm crazy.

 

I really feel that I need to start from square one and train them. But. I. Don't. Want. To!

[gaillardia]

There was a time, and seems to be a time again, where my kids will not cooperate or do as they are asked or told, when they are asked or told. When my requests or commands have been met with disagreement or mumbling, I add another chore. That's how I "ignore" the weisenheimer. Like this, "then when you're finished with that, you can sweep the front porch." "But MOM!" Followed by, "Then you will clean the bathroom." It has worked for me and they soon learn to stop back talking, arguing or grumbling.

Like others have mentioned, no technology, fun, etc. until the chores are done.

Chore charts are nice, handmade or otherwise, but they soon are ignored. It is something that must be met with diligence, as Miss Ellie said.

I've had the talk with my kids about chores many times and we are still not that organized at keeping up with everything all of the time, but they will do as I ask now that they are all older, pretty much, except for that litter box being cleaned...ugh

Lots of great ways to deal with it here. Good luck!

[Plateau Mama]

There was a time, and seems to be a time again, where my kids will not cooperate or do as they are asked or told, when they are asked or told. When my requests or commands have been met with disagreement or mumbling, I add another chore. That's how I "ignore" the weisenheimer. Like this, "then when you're finished with that, you can sweep the front porch." "But MOM!" Followed by, "Then you will clean the bathroom." It has worked for me and they soon learn to stop back talking, arguing or grumbling.

 

Tonight his back talking was met with, when you are done you can go to bed. It was 7:30.

[SadieMarie]

Once in a while it happens here. I guess if it is sort of a constant/chronic thing it is time to rethink. I like "you need to do xyz please" better than "would you please do xyz." I start all those directives with "you need". If it isn't a request but a directive that needs to be clear.

 

I also tie things together, like, "you need to do xyz before you have your snack or turn on the tv or whatever they want to do." When my dd was really balking about practicing her instrument I would wait until a half an hour before her favorite tv show and say all enthusiastically, "hey! You have just enough time to practice if you want to watch Arthur". It was amazing how fast she could hustle and get it done lol.

 

And apparently I have some sort of "mean voice." That usually goes something like, "this needs to be done right now and if I have to do it then xyz (with xyz being something they won't like)."

[Incognito]

OneStepataTime had a very good post.  I need to do that! :)

 

I have one child who is like this and I have found that explaining to them (outside the time of conflict) that it is my job as parent to teach them how to be polite, and that doing chores without complaining is polite (as is answering "yes Mom" and doing it right away or asking if they can do it after they finish x).  So if there are going to be problems with doing that, I tell them that I as a parent will need to give them more practice at answering politely and doing chores without complaining.  

 

So then if there are complaints I tell them we will need to do Z together after you are done with Y (the chore they are already doing), so you get practice being polite about answering me (or whatever the issue is that needs the practice).  This works as an absolute charm with this particular child (and works quite well with my other chore-doer, but there  aren't the same attitude issues with the other).  I have only had to do a second chore with this child twice and it stops the complaining for quite a long time.  Child doesn't do things happily, but there is no complaining and they do the job, so I'll take it for now!

 

FWIW, putting away the backpack stuff was probably overwhelming, so putting it off and doing parts of it was probably a subconscious avoidance method.  Stuff like that seems to go a lot better if I do it alongside or am at least present to give ideas or ask prompting questions (ex: After you put your dirty laundry away, do you want me to put the cups in the kitchen for you while you put away your bathroom stuff?).  

 

Also, you said you just started calling them back for a poorly done job - so they have years of practice doing it one way and you are needing to establish a new habit.  It will take time to develop the new habit.

 

[happi duck]

If my dc like a certain chore they take ownership of that chore. If they particularly hate a certain chore someone else in the family will take it on.

 

So I might dust my dd's room but I never even think about dealing with trash.

 

It all gets done between the four of us and no one feels punished.

[duckens]

I have no trouble with a child delaying a certain jobs (like putting away boy scout stuff) as long as they have a plan.  "WHEN do you plan to do it?"  And a specific time is expected to be listed.  At that point, it is a matter of their character; not my power over them.  If they do not keep their word, I remind them that they were the one who set the time, so it is time to do it now.  We discuss character and honor.

For jobs like emptying the dishwasher/dishdrainer, it is a little more complicated.

--Is someone waiting to wash dishes, and job 1 (emptying the dishwasher) is delaying job 2 (filling the dishwasher with dirty dishes)?  I would be less likely to negotiate as above (with putting away his own stuff) if he is interfering with someone else completing their tasks.

--The OP's son complained that he should not have to load the dishwasher because he set the table.  His chores need to be outlined specifically.  Either both jobs are his to do every day (and his siblings have other responsibilities) or some days (and his siblings are responsible for other days) or not at all.  None of us would like a boss who wondered why we didn't do Project X when we had been assigned Project Y for that day (or were on vacation).

Disclaimer: This is not about the OP being liked or disliked.  Just a matter of perceived unfairness (real or imagined on the OP's son's part) and how to remedy that.

[kewb]

I have a sign that I copied from someone on this site. It says:

I'm sorry there seems to be some confusion. I did not ask you to do it, I told you to do it. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to clear that up.

When the debate starts I point to the sign.

[Garga]

O.k. this may not help at all but when we started down a path that sounds similar to yours I started reading Smart but Scattered. I honestly didn't believe they were resistant because they didn't know how to do their chores, but once I read that book and started an apprenticeship with each of my kids things really turned around.

 

We started from scratch, essentially. I told them we were starting over not because they had failed in any way but because I felt we had not effectively taught them how and why and were going to begin an apprenticeship instead. I know this sounds silly but honestly it helped. Starting an apprenticeship meant they were not expected to be perfect and that they would be trained. I demonstrated EXACTLY what I expected from them for each chore, and I talked through what I was doing and why I was doing it and which things were just my personal preference and which things really did need to be done in a specific sequence for a reason, etc. I did not bring up ANY past "failures". I did not criticize past effort AT ALL. I tried to make it as positive an experience as possible. Let's face it, we are far more likely to choose to do something again if it is a positive, not a negative experience.

 

After truly teaching them and walking through it with them, then we worked alongside each other for each chore. We played music or sang songs or just shared stories but again, as we were doing the chore I talked them through what we were doing and asked questions to make sure they understood. We worked as a team. I praised effort and success. I did not criticize mistakes. If mistakes were made, I demonstrated again. Then they did the chore with me nearby, and they talked me through what they were doing. Then they did the chores completely independently. Once they reached the last stage we had a mini celebration.

 

It really did turn things around. Chores are no longer dreaded and something to avoid. Do I still need to remind them sometimes? Yes. But when I ask them to do it now, they do it. No whining or avoidance and more importantly they do the chores with confidence and frequently do another person's chore just because they are nearby and it is more convenient for them to do it than the other person. They see us all as part of a team now. Was it a lot of work? Yes. But it was a lot more work to constantly be asking/telling them to do stuff and it not getting done or getting done poorly. And they no longer see chores as truly dreaded, just as something that is necessary for the running of the household.

 

HTH....

 

P.S. FWIW, consequences for not doing chores or doing chores poorly really wasn't terribly effective in my household. Turning chores into a positive training experience was.

OP, I could have written your post. Every little thing around here takes 2-3 reminders or tries to get done. Well, 1 time out of 10 it might get done when asked. But the other 9 don't. I feel like I'm always dragging a ball and chain with me everywhere. I can't trust that anything will get done.

 

I haven't started it yet, but starting next Monday, our first day of school, I'm implementing the above quoted post. I have no idea whether it will work, but I'm tired of the "mean mommy" "poor victimized kids" routine that's going on in the house. I don't yell at the kids, but by the 3rd ask, I get flustered and critical. My DH, who is normally an even tempered man, is also getting flustered. The kids get defensive. No fun at all. I want us to be kind to each other and not have all this tension.

 

Next week, we'll start school and we'll be each other's shadows all day and work together with constant training on how to do schoolwork and how to do housework.

 

I don't know if it will work, but I am in the same boat with you and searching for solutions.

[Mimm]

It's the age. It's so frustrating. My 13 year old was told to help her sister in the kitchen, a chore she's a thousand times and done correctly, so she definitely knows how, and she just sat there on the couch. So as to not have the big debate, she was told to have it done by 8, 20 minutes later. At 8 she still hadn't moved. And then was angry at the consequences.

 

I've tried many of the suggestions on this thread. But sometimes no consequences will work. She'd rather do anything than unload the dishwasher. So at that point I send her to bed and do it myself. It's not perfect but it gets done.

[Chris in VA]

Your 12yo sounds like he's exhibiting typical logic stage behavior.

I agree with those who say to make sure you've outlined very well just what he needs to do, but one thing I found when mine were that age is they often have an increased sense of fairness--only it's pretty self-centered and "surface-y," not true justice.

 

I know there's lots of approaches to discipline, but I want to say, build up your relationships with your older two. It's the bedrock on which discipline for teens lays. (Or lies, I can never remember which is correct... :laugh: )

 

IMOE, I tried to get my child to obey me--when he didn't, I tried rewarding, "piling on" (don't want to do the dishes? Ok, now you can clean the bathroom, too!), explaining my feelings (When you don't do your chores, I feel disrespected!), appealing to his sense of teamwork (we're a FAMILY!), emphasizing his character development (It's to help you become a better person!), getting angry, taking away a privilege, and just leaving his work undone so he experienced the consequences (no dishes at dinner time!).

 

Nothing worked.

 

Everything escalated. Fighting, disharmony, blech...

 

With the next kid, I am--working side by side, asking for her solutions, and other things, but mostly I am working in other areas so that our relationship is strong. I mean, ideally, our darling little love bundles do their chores and obey our wisdom and requests because they respect and love us, right? LOL

So, even given that there are times everyone, even when we adore someone, doesn't want to comply with a request, in general, the goal is to have such a good relationship that we want to please and respect that person.

 

So I'd work a bit on that, even if your relationships are fabulous--they can always get better. It's sort of the bank you draw on when the kiddos get even older, and can find ways around obedience. (And I know that word is a trigger of sorts, but I mean it in the best way.) So, maybe brainstorm ways to spend time together, talk more, open up the bond more, etc.

[Joyofsixreboot]

Constant vigilance.

 

Each and every time you tell them to do something, you must require them to do it. Although you say you don't engage, you say there is a big long debate. You must not allow that.

 

And it is ok to *tell* them to do something rather than *asking* them to do something. When you *ask* someone to do something, there's an implication that he may choose not to do it.

Exactly! If they know I am going to get up and make sure they do it each and every time they will do it. We also have a couple things we say

1. This is not a debate.

2. I didn't ask you I told you.

 

Granted the older ones have bad habits and will probably push back. The key is to be more stubborn than they are. None of this has to be putative or mean. At a calm time explain you all live there and this is how it's going to be so your home will be more pleasant for everyone. My final phrase

 

3. Save that thought for your future therapist.

[Plateau Mama]

I have no trouble with a child delaying a certain jobs (like putting away boy scout stuff) as long as they have a plan.  "WHEN do you plan to do it?"  And a specific time is expected to be listed.  At that point, it is a matter of their character; not my power over them.  If they do not keep their word, I remind them that they were the one who set the time, so it is time to do it now.  We discuss character and honor.

For jobs like emptying the dishwasher/dishdrainer, it is a little more complicated.

--Is someone waiting to wash dishes, and job 1 (emptying the dishwasher) is delaying job 2 (filling the dishwasher with dirty dishes)?  I would be less likely to negotiate as above (with putting away his own stuff) if he is interfering with someone else completing their tasks.

--The OP's son complained that he should not have to load the dishwasher because he set the table.  His chores need to be outlined specifically.  Either both jobs are his to do every day (and his siblings have other responsibilities) or some days (and his siblings are responsible for other days) or not at all.  None of us would like a boss who wondered why we didn't do Project X when we had been assigned Project Y for that day (or were on vacation).

Disclaimer: This is not about the OP being liked or disliked.  Just a matter of perceived unfairness (real or imagined on the OP's son's part) and how to remedy that.

If we let him do it later he never remembers. That is why DH wanted to do it right then. For normal chores we discuss what needs to be done and he either makes a list or I make them a list before I leave.

 

As for setting the table/clearing the table. The older kids do this together. He did water, she did silverware and passed out plates after I served them. So it wasn't like he did a ton of work and she did nothing. If it hadn't been "I set the table.", it would have been "those aren't my dishes", or something. This kid cannot do anything he is asked without a reason why it's unfair. Seriously, I have color coded dishes so they can't say that's not my dish. That has saved a ton of strife and they all love it.

[Plateau Mama]

Today is a new day. I'm going to reserve Smart but Scattered from the library. I'm going to get my kids up in time to finish chores before we leave at 10:30. And I'm going to require compliance by the second request.

 

We shall see how I do.

[73349]

I really feel that I need to start from square one and train them. But. I. Don't. Want. To!

 

That's it right there. You have to define it as enough of a problem to follow through and fix it right now. If you don't, why would the kids?

 

NB It's 11 AM on Monday and my child is still in his pajamas, so I don't say this from up on a stepladder polishing my Mother of the Year trophy or anything ;) , just observing.

[JumpyTheFrog]

Color coded dishes. I like that idea. Maybe I should try it.

[Plateau Mama]

Color coded dishes. I like that idea. Maybe I should try it.

It was a genius idea I had about a year ago. Each kid got to choose their favorite color Fiestaware. They each got two big plates, luncheon plates, small plates and bowls. Well, little guy didn't get big plates and he got smaller bowls.

 

They are only allowed to use their color. Never a siblings color. If you allow a sibling yo use your dishes and they are left out it's your problem. If they run out of dishes they can ask permission to use my dishes or wash one of theirs.

 

This has revolutionized the mystery of who's plate has been left out. It has made middle child think before he uses 10 dishes for a meal. Revolutionary, I tell you.

 

Oh and when they go to college they get to take them with them. Also, if they break one they have to do with a lesser amount or buy a new one themselves.

[duckens]

 

Plateau Mama says:

If we let him do it later he never remembers. That is why DH wanted to do it right then.

 

I totally get that.  Then remind him that, "Last time it didn't get done at all when you said you'd do it 'later', so this time it needs to be done right away."  Setting a specific time (and giving him a set timer for that time) for delayed tasks clears up any confusion.

 

Character is like a bank.  If the child has a good track record (deposits) for doing XYZ when they say they will, then they can be trusted to do so (withdraws).  When my daughter wants to delay something, I tell her, "I trust you to do it because in the past you have always done so."

 

 

As for setting the table/clearing the table. The older kids do this together. He did water, she did silverware and passed out plates after I served them. So it wasn't like he did a ton of work and she did nothing. If it hadn't been "I set the table.", it would have been "those aren't my dishes", or something.

Ugh!  No wonder you are so frustrated!  Still, there seems to be some confusion that no matter what he did or did not as far as setting the table, his dishes are his own to place properly into the dishwasher.

 

 

This kid cannot do anything he is asked without a reason why it's unfair.

 

Watch.  In a decade, this kid will be on his way to law school. :)

[Plateau Mama]

 

Watch. In a decade, this kid will be on his way to law school. :)

I have been saying this since he was 3!

[Farrar]

I just don't debate.  Stop discussing.  Don't respond.  Follow them to make them do it.  Micromanage, but don't be annoyed, just be matter of fact.  End of story.  I'm with Ellie.  It's just constant vigilance.

[TammyS]

Kids are 14, 12, 6.

 

6 yo is not really an issue. He is the only child that remembers to clear his dishes from the table. Typically complies with my requests.

 

12 yo is the debater. Two examples from today.

 

1. He came home from a boy scout outing and was asked to put his stuff away. He took his pack and put It in the laundry room. He was reminded that he was supposed to put everything away. This started the debate about it being done later. He was sent up to do it. When dh went to check he had taken everything out and tossed it in his floor. He was then asked to clean his room which started another debate about daddy being grumpy and yelling. So it took 4-5 tries.

 

2. He didn't put his dinner dishes in the dishwasher so I called him back to do it and said since he was already here to put the rest of the dishes in as well, maybe 10 dishes total. He said he shouldn't have to do it because he set the table. When he did finally do it only 1/2 were done.

 

14yo. She will typically do something when asked but it takes 2-3 tries before it's complete. She rarely does her chores w/a reminder. We are talking empty recycle daily, keep room vacuum ready and pick up after dog once a week.

These are all, IMO, so you can take it for what it's worth. 

 

 

1. You should not have reminded him at all.  Just take the bag, throw it out on the lawn. 

 

2. Fine.  Go ahead and put the dishes in the dishwasher yourself.  Next time he wants something, the answer is no (yes, even if it's days later).

 

3. Pretty much same as #2.

From now on, when you ask them to do something, include this verbiage, "I want you to do X.  If it is not done on time and properly, I will not remind, scold, or debate you.  But there will, at some point of my choosing, be a consequence that you will not like."  Then walk away.  If they complain, they can complain to your moving back, because you aren't going to be there to hear it. 

 

[TammyS]

. As for the debate, trust me when I can say he can debate/grumble with himself for 30 minutes with no input from others.

 

That's fine.  Let him.  Just don't be there to provide him with an audience.

[TammyS]

 . Any thoughts on consequences? My son is very stubborn and his stubbornness overrides every currency I can think of.

 

My son is this way, too.  That's what led me to decide that set consequences aren't all they're cracked up to be.  Some kids just turn it into an economic exchange (as you say above, currency) "If I don't do this, I won't get that.  Ok by me."  That doesn't work for me, so I just wait until they want something and say no to it.  We aren't talking babies, so it's not like they don't know what they did or don't understand that they earned their consequence.  It's also more reality based.  Often in life we cannot predict the consequences of our poor choices.  They may as well get used to it.

[Excelsior! Academy]

Forbid them from doing it.  They will willing oblige. ;)