Can we "heal" Christmas?

[JennifersLost]

Since we've been talking about Christmas anyway, I'm wondering - I can't be the only one with anxiety around Christmas because of things that have happened in the past. Perhaps by talking it over together could we "heal" some of these residual qualms?

 

My issues stem from when I lived with my ex. Christmas was not pretty during those years. I used to love everything about Christmas - the decorating, the tree, the cooking, giving gifts, but when you live with an addict that all changes.

 

One of the worst Christmas we had was when we lived on the farm. On Christmas morning we got up with my 1.5 year old first-born to open presents. My ex was never a morning person; he needed a couple of hours and to get high before he functioned well. But he got up and we began opening gifts. As the gift-opening went on, he became more and more furious, ripping open all the packages addressed to him. He was looking for something. I didn't figure it out until later.

 

He'd expected cash from my parents, since they often sent me cash for holidays. But they'd sent me the money early and told me to buy gifts for him since they didn't know what he'd like. I don't remember all I got him, but I do remember that I bought him a few pairs of jeans and a razor, which he'd asked for specifically. When he realized he wasn't getting cash (with which he could buy drugs) he was furious.

 

"Look at these!" he said about the jeans. "They're so cheap!" and he ripped the pockets off of the first pair. He took the second pair and tore them apart at the zipper. Then he took out the razor. Thank God he took it (and me) upstairs to the bathroom so this didn't happen in front of my son, but he plugged it in, tried one swipe on his face, said, "This is a piece of &*#$!" and smashed it to pieces on the windowsill.

 

It was a very long day.

 

That was 14 years ago. My life is so different now. But I cannot describe the feeling I get about CHristmas. It is a kind of dread that saps my strength and my ability to make decisions. I find that the holidays go best when I get a running start and plan the heck out of them, but even now the aren't the holidays I want.

 

These days we only have my FIL around. But we work around him for Christmas. He raised dh in a fairly dictatorial manner, and things in his family were always just so - including the kids couldn't make a mess or much noise. So these days we wait for FIL to arrive, open presents, and then the kids disappear down to the family room with their loot.

 

We usually end up watching a WWII film, FIL goes home after lunch and we all reconvene at dinner for turkey.

 

For the most part it's okay. I just wish we (the kids and I) felt comfortable enough to all hang out together for Christmas. The kids are getting pretty big. Maybe they'd disappear anyway. I just wish they wouldn't.

 

FIL has relaxed A LOT in the last few years. He's really trying with the kids. The kids don't trust that, though, and dh is still really on edge about "what he thinks".

 

I'd love to hear any suggestions, and thank you for letting me put my old, bad Christmas story out there so that it loses some of its potency being dispersed among a crowd, so to speak. I thought I was past that, but it occurred to me this morning how much I'm NOT, LOL.

 

Here's to all of us, striving for holidays that our kids can remember with love. We're all doing our best. We have to give ourselves credit for that!

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

Since we've been talking about Christmas anyway, I'm wondering - I can't be the only one with anxiety around Christmas because of things that have happened in the past. Perhaps by talking it over together could we "heal" some of these residual qualms?

 

My issues stem from when I lived with my ex. Christmas was not pretty during those years. I used to love everything about Christmas - the decorating, the tree, the cooking, giving gifts, but when you live with an addict that all changes.

 

One of the worst Christmas we had was when we lived on the farm. On Christmas morning we got up with my 1.5 year old first-born to open presents. My ex was never a morning person; he needed a couple of hours and to get high before he functioned well. But he got up and we began opening gifts. As the gift-opening went on, he became more and more furious, ripping open all the packages addressed to him. He was looking for something. I didn't figure it out until later.

 

He'd expected cash from my parents, since they often sent me cash for holidays. But they'd sent me the money early and told me to buy gifts for him since they didn't know what he'd like. I don't remember all I got him, but I do remember that I bought him a few pairs of jeans and a razor, which he'd asked for specifically. When he realized he wasn't getting cash (with which he could buy drugs) he was furious.

 

"Look at these!" he said about the jeans. "They're so cheap!" and he ripped the pockets off of the first pair. He took the second pair and tore them apart at the zipper. Then he took out the razor. Thank God he took it (and me) upstairs to the bathroom so this didn't happen in front of my son, but he plugged it in, tried one swipe on his face, said, "This is a piece of &*#$!" and smashed it to pieces on the windowsill.

 

It was a very long day.

 

That was 14 years ago. My life is so different now. But I cannot describe the feeling I get about CHristmas. It is a kind of dread that saps my strength and my ability to make decisions. I find that the holidays go best when I get a running start and plan the heck out of them, but even now the aren't the holidays I want.

 

These days we only have my FIL around. But we work around him for Christmas. He raised dh in a fairly dictatorial manner, and things in his family were always just so - including the kids couldn't make a mess or much noise. So these days we wait for FIL to arrive, open presents, and then the kids disappear down to the family room with their loot.

 

We usually end up watching a WWII film, FIL goes home after lunch and we all reconvene at dinner for turkey.

 

For the most part it's okay. I just wish we (the kids and I) felt comfortable enough to all hang out together for Christmas. The kids are getting pretty big. Maybe they'd disappear anyway. I just wish they wouldn't.

 

FIL has relaxed A LOT in the last few years. He's really trying with the kids. The kids don't trust that, though, and dh is still really on edge about "what he thinks".

 

I'd love to hear any suggestions, and thank you for letting me put my old, bad Christmas story out there so that it loses some of its potency being dispersed among a crowd, so to speak. I thought I was past that, but it occurred to me this morning how much I'm NOT, LOL.

 

Here's to all of us, striving for holidays that our kids can remember with love. We're all doing our best. We have to give ourselves credit for that!

 

Hugs. I'm dealing with some anger stuff right now, too, and it's So. Hard.

 

One suggestion would be to open all your own presents together before he arrives, or on Christmas Eve, just you. Leave all presents to him and from him under the tree for when he arrives, then open those together.

 

Perhaps both of you could practice saying together, "Oh, we *are* getting a bit loud, aren't we? Look how late it is! We can drive you home -- let me just get your coat."

 

Love him, but don't allow him to set the tone for your OWN HOUSE and your OWN FAMILY. Take back that control, even if it is temporarily uncomfortable.

[OnTheBrink]

I hear you. My EX would ruin holidays, too, if he didn't get what he wanted, or if my parents gave me more than they gave him.

 

My mother also ruined Christmas a LOT. She'd either stay in bed all day, "depressed" (IMO, it was more "selfish" than depressed, because she's a total narcissist) She'd not get up to be with us to open gifts, she never got what she wanted, she hated cooking so the meal was paltry at best. It was just an ongoing depressionfest.

 

Sometimes she'd cry and throw a fit and throw things around, blaming me (mostly) and my dad for ruining her holidays. She'd cry over missing her late mother, whom she claimed to have hated. It was usually a nightmare at our house for Christmas.

 

So, for my kids, I keep it low key, no outrageous expectations, and keep them informed and prepared if things have to be low-cost, or whatever. We plan a meal we all would like and chuck the traditional (expected) turkey feast. We open gifts sometimes on Christmas eve, sometimes on Christmas day. I try to make is as relaxed as possible. We don't need the stress or the drama. To me, that's far more healing than trying to, on some level, recreate the holidays from my childhood.

[Paula in MS]

Can you have dinner with FIL on Christmas Eve and then have your family Christmas on Christmas Day? I think you need to be in complete control of your Christmas Celebration and make it your own. Maybe you could do something special as a family on Christmas eve? Just carve out a day and do what YOU want to do. Also, explain to your family what you want and how you want it to go. I guarantee they will have a blast, but you need to set the tone. Maybe you should tell FIL what you envision (not WWII movies.) I know I am just rambling.

 

Paula

[JennifersLost]

These are all good suggestions. I'd also like to hear what other people "do" on Christmas - especially those with older kids. They're not getting new "toys" to play with as much, you know? More often they're getting one or two big gifts - a camera or some such - not enough to fill a day with.

 

So - what do you do? Games? Movies? Other stuff?

[Jen500]

We've always set up a card table and chairs and had a big jigsaw puzzle going. Lots of board games and card games. Christmas music. Making homemade candy. I think you can have a nice Christmas-just do what makes sense for your family. :)

[Anne]

One idea I heard that I always thought was good: Have everyone in the family think of something they would like to *do* during the Christmas break or season (has to be something that is actually *doable*!). Make it a family project to make those things happen.

 

Poll your family - what would each of them like to have happen on Christmas Day that would really say "Christmas" to them??

 

Take Christimas out of the "Christmas Box" - Make it unique to your family! Start some new "traditions"!

 

Anne

 

ETA: Things we do (mine are older): eat, play games, eat, go for a walk, have friends over for dinner, eat, go skiing, sit around reading, kids watch movies downstairs, eat some more.....

[Carol in Cal.]

and Christmas Day with our extended family. This is because Christmas Eve means much more to me than Christmas Day, so I don't have to care how Christmas Day goes. If you feel the opposite, why not switch the time that you spend with FIL?

 

Also, we spread Christmas out a lot, which takes a great deal of the pressure off of it. We start with Advent, lots and lots of Advent. Special concerts, decorations, Christmas caroling, extra church services midweek, more decorations, baking, Christmas music, Christmas decoration viewing trips (usually several of them), Christmas festival downtown, etc.

 

The tree does not go up in our house until the weekend before Christmas. The lights are put on at that time. The ornaments wait until Christmas Eve, and it is part of our celebration to put them on then. That way the tree stays fresh throughout the 12 days of Christmas. Also, presents do not all get opened at once. We have a few on Christmas Eve, stocking stuffers Christmas morning, extended family gifts on Christmas Day, and then sporadic gift opening thoughout the 12 days, culminating in one family gift on 12th night.

 

We use devotion books and Advent calendars. We have an outdoor Christmas tree as well as the indoor one.

 

So Christmas itself does not take on the weight of the entire season, and that is really helpful.

[partyof5]

Jennifer,

I'm sorry Christmas is so difficult for you--I feel your pain but under different circumstances. My plan has been to do as some others have suggested and make sure that I don't let others drive my day, so to speak. I am at the wheel (with dh of course) and we set the tone. My kids are younger but even as they grow older, I will still:

 

1. Refuse to entertain guests or leave the house before noon on Christmas, allowing us to have quiet gift time, a special breakfast, etc. without the pressure of others. This has been something we fight HARD for every year with my in-laws who just can't understand why we won't drive to their house at 9am.

 

2. Maintain our Christmas Eve traditions, which for us is dinner with my parents and church services, followed by stories at home, opening one gift, etc.

 

3. Make sure to not put the pressure on the ONE day. We plan other special things and then re-hash them on Christmas again to remember what fun we've had together. We spend a little time doing something during each day of Advent, we make baklava as a gift for friends (which then involves delivery & visiting), we take advantage of local caroling, Nutcracker ballet, and other festivities, and we shop for other families who may need gifts for Christmas morning. In fact, I have made small albums for our kids of these pre-Christmas activities and this becomes a Christmas day gift from us to them, and a fond memory of the whole season.

 

We don't do this yet, but you might consider serving a meal to seniors or at a homeless shelter on Christmas day. Perhaps you FIL would join you, and if not, it would place some boundaries on your time together and give you a little more influence on your family's activities.

 

If you're into movies, plan an afternoon at one of the new releases that happens on Christmas day every year.

 

Just some thoughts...

[Janet in Toronto]

I'd also like to hear what other people "do" on Christmas - especially those with older kids. They're not getting new "toys" to play with as much, you know? More often they're getting one or two big gifts - a camera or some such - not enough to fill a day with.

 

So - what do you do? Games? Movies? Other stuff?

 

We have two teenage boys. We play games like Scrabble or Scattergories. We always have a jigsaw puzzle on the go. We often go for an outing: a "Christmas walk", snowshoeing, tobogganing, or cross-country skiing. We nap. We listen to or watch the Queen's address to the Commonwealth. We call extended family members that are not with us. And we often catch a Christmas movie if there is one playing on TV. We own a few (It's a Wonderful Life, Elf, etc) if the broadcast pickings are slim. We sometimes bring the videogames up from the basement and the adults make fools of themselves with the Wii.

 

The last two Christmases, we've had non-traditional meals to make it easier on everyone. It was great! Last year we had a burrito bar with lots of fillings. It was relaxed and fun, and no cooking pressure on anyone.

[Peela]

I'd also like to hear what other people "do" on Christmas - especially those with older kids. They're not getting new "toys" to play with as much, you know? More often they're getting one or two big gifts - a camera or some such - not enough to fill a day with.

So - what do you do? Games? Movies? Other stuff?

 

My dh likes to make a big deal of opening presents, and we all take turns opening one, and we all watch that person open theirs. Not how I did it as a child, but it does rather stretch out the pleasure.

The Christmas before last, I knew I wasn't going to get much, so I bought myself several presents and put them under the tree. It felt good!

After present opening, we tidy up a bit and have breakfast.

All of us are perfectly capable of filling in an hour or two doing our normal email stuff, as well as just pottering about tidying, maybe going for a walk etc, so filling in the morning is never a problem.

 

Then we do a family lunch somewhere. Last Christmas it was at our place. Dh's family members are not exactly intimate most of the year, but they do rally together for a reasonable Christmas. Mine are too far away, so we do phonecalls sometimes during the day, and I must admit to a twinge of jealousy because I would prefer to be with them than Dh's family.

 

Last Christmas and Boxing Day were 42 degrees C, (well over 100F) and the airconditioning broke down. Not pleasant, but somewhat "bonding" I must admit. We are in a hot climate so Christmas is mostly salads and cold meats and seafood (prawns, fresh fish) and fruit. Everyone brings a plate of food.

 

Then by mid afternoon once the festivities are over and people are drifting off to other functions, we go and have a nap! The kids are fine with playing computer games or out on the street with their friends, or in the pool! They are very independent.

Evening is just leftovers and our normal routine.

I guess we dont make too big a deal out of Christmas, not too high expectations, keeping it simple, and the extended family seem to feel the same. We don't do presents for the adults- only the kids- of the extended family. It is not too stressful.

 

As a kid, Christmas was pretty fun - my mum is a good hostess- she would BBQ turkey outside, or we would have seafood. I do have memories of my grandmother getting drunk, but it was all very fun. We would play cards and board games and just sit around telling jokes and talking. I was the oldest of 9 grandchildren who all adored me, so I spent a lot of time playing with them. I remember lots of laughter, probably fueled by copious good wine! I think Christmas was a very big deal to me as a child, but I try not to make too big a deal out of it for my kids.

[SquirrellyMama]

Someone asked how to fill up the day. I have younger kids still but this can work with older kids just as well. We bake a bunch of cookies, candy, etc... and take them to the Long Term Care unit at the hospital. It is just a nursing home at the hospital. We take them around to the rooms on either Christmas Eve or Christmas Day and talk with the residents for a bit. After that we head to the Chinese restaurant for lunch or dinner depending on the time of day.

 

We started doing this because I wanted to teach our kids that it was more important to be giving gifts to Jesus not each other during this time. I tell them that by going and spending some time with these sick, older people who don't have visitors and family we are giving gifts of happiness to Jesus. I'm trying to get our schedule worked out so we can go through out the year.

 

You can also take gifts to kids who are in the hospital for Christmas. Their families might not have the money to do it if they are paying a hospital bill.

 

Last year when we were done at the nursing home and finished at the buffet we had the funniest conversation started by my then 4 yr old ds. He was sure God didn't like women because God didn't have a wife :001_smile:

 

Kelly

[Dayle in Guatemala]

We are fairly relaxed about when we open gifts, some on Christmas Eve, some on Christmas day. We play games and watch movies, relax! On Christmas Day afternoon, we have an open house for our friends here in Guatemala and have them over for food, games, movies, football, whatever! It's fun. But, Christmas Eve night and Christmas morning is for our family.

We also go caroling.

 

In the States, we would do things before Christmas, baking (we do this now, too), go to The Nutcracker, go caroling with friends, make homemade gifts for friends (we do this now, as well), and watch a lot of Christmas movies. We celebrated the entire holiday and didn't just focus on the Day. There's so much to Christmas. Because of this, my dc, who love gifts and don't get presents all year except Christmas and their birthdays, don't focus just on the time we open presents. They really love the whole environment of Christmas. It's what they remember every year.

[lighthouseacademy]

I am so sorry to hear of your horrific Christmas. My father was abused as a child and he hates Christmas. Basically he puts up with it for the sake of his Christmas loving wife and children (especially me). One of the best things my dad did to help capture some Christmas enjoyment was not have a traditional Christmas a few years ago... my parents have a timeshare in Park City, Utah. They invited us all to their timeshare (my 2 kids and dh and me, my sister and her dh, and my twin brothers) and we went skiing (or rather the boys went skiiing but I was pregnant so I didn't go). We had a very low key Christmas at my sister's after that with minimal gifts. The gift was the vacation. It was a lot of fun.

[GSMP]

First...here is what we do now for Christmas.....last years post.

 

Christmas at our house....

 

It was the first stress free Christmas we have ever had due to his parents no longer being aloud to come over.

 

We had Christmas pizza.....and are considering Turkey tacos....with a side of pecan pie.....

 

Holidays in general along with birthdays have always been difficult for me. I was determined to have fun for my kids. It was all about them when they were younger. Now they try to make it about me....or special for me.

 

We taught them the gratification one receives in giving a gift. They don't mind just getting a couple of gifts but it would kill them to not be able to give a gift.

 

That is one of the things we do to make it special. We also find people that we know that can't afford things and sneaky purchase those items.

 

We have taken all of my horrible memories and created some special memories by teaching them what Christmas is really all about. They will tell you how fun it is to give gifts. I am so proud of that.

 

I am dealing with a lot of things right now....and I know the holidays are looming.....It has gotten easier over the years....but that was the best way for us to change the memories....literally do more for others.....spread the joy.

 

This was an exceptionally big gift year in the above post.....our normal spending on gifts is usually no more than $100/child.

 

We were given an extra blessing so bought my daughter her computer. My husband is very specific. Birthday's and Christmas is for toys only.....you need clothing...you go buy it.

[StephanieZ]

I'm thinking all holidays need to be healed when it involves extended family. Dh, dc and me are all so good together, but boy when you add anyone else into the picture, we need some major healing here!

 

I somehow have agreed to host my brother (and dear mom) this Thanksgiving year after a 4 year hiatus since the *insane* Thanksgiving when my brother stood in the driveway yelling at me for an hour about what a horrid person/mom/sister/wife I was -- and besides I'd be better off to lose some weight as well -- (all this 6 months after we'd flown 5000 miles to his south american wedding with 3 kids. . . and hosted the bridal shower the month before. . . etc etc.)

 

Anyway, now he's divorcing, realizing that his nut case wife helped poison him against his family. . . etc and I am all about forgiveness and healing (I need it plenty so I work hard to offer it graciously) and I do know there is a lot of goodness in his heart, so we're starting again.

 

Bit, I am already *freaking* out about Thanksgiving. I do really believe in my mind that it will be a good thing and don't expect him to ever behave that way again nor would I tolerate it. . . but nonetheless I am freaking out. A big reason why I want to heal with my brother is that the last 4 years all holidays have been so sad for my mom b/c she just couldn't move on and let go of her desire for us all to be together and happy (it's a small family!) . . . She is a spectacular person and I'd do nearly anything for her, so this healing Thanksgiving with my brother will hopefully also heal Christmas and all the other holidays that we always spend with mom . . .

 

So, what are the tricks?

 

Do we need a Beyond the Bean Dip intensive course? I want something beyond just ignoring/being civil (that I save for the in-laws, a whole nother load of nonsense). I want connection, healing, happiness. Even with the brother who yelled. . .

[Rosie_0801]

Ah well. I'm feeling better now I've decided not to attend my extended family's Christmas do anymore. They're not horrid, it's just boring. And people who talk like stones shouldn't hang out with people built like glass houses. Me being the one who talks like stones, obviously. Not sure what I'm going to tell my dear mother when she starts on about family values, how they really do care about me (not sure what that has to do with actually getting along and having anything in common) and how I shouldn't deprive my daughter of her family. Anyway, Mum moved to the opposite side of the country with her boyfriend, so I don't feel I have to pay much attention to her!

Not at all sure what to do about dh's family. His parents are only staying home for Christmas instead of escaping on a cruise to avoid it like last year, because their daughter is 'manipulating' them. Having lived through one of their Christmases once and nearly died of boredom, a worse boredom experience than any maths class with the monotone teacher because I had to put effort into being polite, I ain't gonna do that again. Dh intends to put in a compromise proposal, but I know how that will end up. Him doing exactly what dear sister says, and being unhappy with me because I won't go along with it. Obviously dd should go with him, but I'm not happy about sending her with him to spend the day with a group of people I really don't like, when he turns into the little boy as soon as he is with his family. I suppose it'll be his problem if he lets them rev her up on sugar, but she doesn't really deserve for that to happen. It seems silly to drag a small girl two hours by public transport (dh doesn't drive) plus another half an hour by car if they pick him up from the station, in the middle of summer, when her grandparents would rather be on a cruise anyway. Silly of them to give in to their daughter, in my opinion.

At least cutting down on my family is cutting down on half the Christmas chores that I'd rather not do. Funny to spend a special occasion having a worse time that one has on a boring housework day. Our intention is to spend our Christmas Eve, as usual, watching the Muppets Christmas Carol. Yay for the Muppets!! Then have my brother, one of our aunts and dd's godfather over on Christmas Day and I will cook my best dishes in a blatant attempt at fishing for compliments :D My dad and sister may want to see dd, so might mooch in at some stage. Dh's family will have to have their turn either Christmas Eve or Boxing Day.

Glad we Aussies don't do Thanksgiving. I don't know how you handle these two occasions so close together!!

:)

Rosie

[Fourmother]

And people who talk like stones shouldn't hang out with people built like glass houses.

 

One day, I'm going to learn how to embroider, or cross stitch, or something. Anyway, I'm going to learn. And when I do, I'm going to stitch up this quote. Then I'll hang it on my wall for my children and my children's children, and my mother, and my in-laws.

 

Glad we Aussies don't do Thanksgiving. I don't know how you handle these two occasions so close together!!

It's more than a notion, that's for sure.

[Harriet Vane]

Coming from a sad, sick, dysfunctional family, I have had more than my fair share of unhappy holidays. And, to this day, my relatives often behave in remarkably self-centered ways and manage to dampen the holidays.

 

There are two things that have helped me a great deal.

 

First, my husband's family really know how to enjoy each other and make the holidays lovely. They are my model. They do a big feast for the larger family gathering and include in that feast Polish food to celebrate our heritage. At the larger family gathering we almost always play a game in addition to the meal--things like Charades or Cranium or whatever.

 

We always have a smaller party, too, at Christmas. This one is just us, dh's sister's family, and dh's parents. It started when dh and his sister were kids. The host does not cook on that day--we have soup and sandwiches. If I am the host I like to make homemade soup ahead of time, but the original idea was to have canned soup so that the hostess doesn't have to cook. When dh was growing up they always watched a Christmas movie together. We don't usually do that as a group now, though I know dh's sister watches a Christmas movie with her kids privately. Then we spend the day playing games (board games, charades, card game, whatever), opening gifts, and goofing off. We might read a story out loud if we feel like it. It's a lovely time--very laid back, lots of laughter. The key, I think, are the expectations to do something together, and to go ahead and play games.

 

The other thing that has helped me has been setting boundaries with my own family and limiting time with them. I felt terribly guilty about it at first, but over the years have grown very firm about how important this is.