Does anyone else have a "hoarder" in training teenager?

[Ottakee]

My kids are at camp this week so I decided to do a BIG cleaning upstairs as we are getting 2 foster boys later this week.  Upstairs consists of 17dd's room, 18dd's room, a small loft type room (has a door but sloped ceiling and only a sky light--no window that opens) and a full bath.

 

17dd's room is TERRIBLE.  Way beyond what I expected.  I have found 12 cereal type bowls, cups, lots of food, all manner of papers, junk, broken things, bits of craft stuff, etc.  So far I have filled a lawn and leaf size bag and am only 1/2 way done.  That isn't even stuff that belongs in other areas of the house, stuff that we can donate, her clothes/shoes, etc.

 

I appears like when she has "cleaned" her room she has just put all manner of anything and everything into bags, boxes, etc. and stuffed them under the bed, in the closet, etc.  One container (thankfully Rubbermaid type with tight lid) had old animal bedding in it that had bugs growing in it.

 

So far dh and I have come up with the following rules:

 

1.  daily room check

2.  no allowance until/unless the room is clean

3.  no shopping at goodwill (her favorite) or gas stations (where she is buying a lot of junk food), etc. unless the room is clean and then within limits

4.  trash out weekly at least

5.  gecko cage cleaned at least weekly and old stuff directly out to the trash outside

6.  no food or drink upstairs besides water

 

We can seriously see her being a hoarder like you see on TV someday if she were to live on her own.  She has also gained 8 pounds in the past 3 months (which is being closely followed by her doctor).

 

She does have special needs (boarderline IQ/functioning and many health issues) but the above is all within her capabilities.

 

Any other tips or support?  I am NOT a super clean, neat freak of anything.  In fact, I am more lax on cleaning than I should be but I am a minimalist at heart.

 

[alisoncooks]

My oldest (she's only 8!!!!) has always been this way.  She's crafty/imaginative and has big ideas about what she's going to do with her "stuff."  Which means I find all sorts of trash in her room that she's saving.  Especially shiny trash -- she's like a magpie.  Candy wrappers, tin foil, etc.  I routinely walk through and toss any random items I find; she never even notices.   :001_rolleyes:

[OneStepAtATime]

She may need some help structuring how to determine what to keep and, when it is kept, where to keep it.  I have a whole family that are challenged in this area, going back generations.  :).

The following books REALLY helped me help the kids and some of my family (not all are interested in improving their situation).

 

1.  Smart but Scattered Teens

 

and

 

2. ADD Friendly Ways to Organize Your Life (and no we don't have ADD, at least that I am aware of, but it is a great book)

 

Both books really, really helped me to better understand where the issues lie and how to effectively address them without it becoming a battle.  These are life skills that are not always intuitive even though it seems they should be.  Providing some of the helpful suggestions in this book is really turning things around for us.

[Anne in CA]

All three of my kids HATE to throw out trash, lol. But then, my mom was a hoarder and transferred her hoarding passions to politics and dh's mom is a hoarder so they probably come by it honestly. But even my 18yo cannot clean without me helping him organize the tasks. 

[Ottakee]

She is very ADHD do we do need to restructure things a bit and help her keep a handle on this stuff.  She loves PAPER......anything paper.  I found an avon magazine (never ordered from there) that is several years old, a bulletin from 1 1/2 years ago, math papers from classes a few years ago, etc.

 

I do this deep clean about twice a year but somehow she still manages to keep/save/hide all of this stuff.

 

Part of the problem is is that the girls bedrooms are upstairs and ours in on the main floor so I don't get upstairs that much.........thinking I need to do a daily check for a while and then at least a weekly one.

 

She just loves to go to carnivals, shows, fairs, etc. where they hand out all of this plitzy stuff--brochures, little do-dads, samples, more papers, etc. and then she keeps them forever even though they are useless.  I need to watch that one too.  Harder with a teen as they can easily cart stuff upstairs when I am not watching.

[prairiewindmomma]

Walk through the process of how to decide whether something is worth keeping or not.

Provide a limited space for special treasures.

Inspect regularly, discuss over items that weren't handled as they should've been.

Stick to the no food upstairs rule.

 

When clutter isn't an executive function issue, it's often an anxiety one.  Because she has already gained weight, I wonder about not-normal eating as a means of coping with anxiety as well. It's hard to distinguish whether it's just because of added junk eating or whether she is hiding food up in her room to eat.  Whenever eating becomes a thing to hide, it becomes worrisome, imo.

[happi duck]

Walk through the process of how to decide whether something is worth keeping or not.

Provide a limited space for special treasures.

Inspect regularly, discuss over items that weren't handled as they should've been.

Stick to the no food upstairs rule.

 

When clutter isn't an executive function issue, it's often an anxiety one. Because she has already gained weight, I wonder about not-normal eating as a means of coping with anxiety as well. It's hard to distinguish whether it's just because of added junk eating or whether she is hiding food up in her room to eat. Whenever eating becomes a thing to hide, it becomes worrisome, imo.

Well said!

 

 

A sibling has hoarding tendencies and they are definitely more pronounced when under stress. I think the above could have helped.

[Laura Corin]

Here's another thought.  I was more-or-less that teenager.  I think it was an unspoken rebellion against everything that was (good-naturedly) imposed on me and every other child - schedules, lessons, rules....  My room was my place that worked by my rules.  My parents only insisted on food not being taken in there, and I think they were right.  Otherwise, it was mine to do as I wished.

 

Once I had left home and gradually taken control of my own life, I learned to be reasonably tidy and reasonably clean.  

 

L

[Laura Corin]

I agree.  I think the only rule I would impose is no food and nothing that can rot or attract bugs.  Otherwise, I'd just close the door.  I really don't care what my kids do with their rooms.  Except food.  And yes I have had that issue with one of mine.

 

I will say that one of my sons is being required to tidy and clean his room this week: it stinks.  There are limits to my laissez-faire....

 

L

[Ottakee]

Well, the room is CLEAN and smells good........and I have another load of laundry to do and a 1/2 load of dishes that were up there.

 

I think this is mainly an ADD/executive functioning thing, not anxiety as she doesn't show that at all.  Dh and I decided that we will just help her stay on top of this, not as a punishment type thing, more as a helpful training thing.  She is like a 10 year old in many ways.

 

Part of it is health as well as she has allergies and asthma and having used pet bedding that is growing bugs, old food, etc. up there is not healthy.  If it was just typical clothes all over the floor type thing it wouldn't be a big deal.

 

Tomorrow is other dd's room and hopefully the bathroom.  her room is not nearly as bad.  She collects things but in a much neater manner.  She too has special needs and is like an 8-10 year old.  She does not have the food in there but rather stuff from the cat that needs to be really cleaned well.

 

I just need to remind myself that despite having 17, 18 and 26 year old kids, with their special needs it is much more like having 8,9 and 10 year olds.

[Catwoman]

Is she a hoarder or just plain too lazy or disorganized to put things away and throw garbage into the trash?

 

I think a kid can have a disastrous bedroom without having any serious hoarding tendencies.

[J-rap]

How does she feel once you clean it out?  Is she glad, or upset?  I have one who is kind of like that.  She is always very busy and happy and I wouldn't call her lazy, but I don't know -- her room always ends up looking like the one you describe.  About twice year, we'll go in and start in one corner and clean out the whole thing, top to bottom.  She is always very glad to have it all clean and organized and simplified.  I try and help her come up with a system for keeping it tidy and organized that is easy to keep up.  It usually doesn't make a difference and six months later it's at the same place!  I'm not sure why it's so hard for her to keep up...

[nd293]

I would make sure you remove boxes and bags she can hide clutter in.

 

Dd has a tendency to chaos and I have resorted to multiple daily checks: every time I walk past her room I have her stop what she's doing and put away food bowls, clothes on the floor etc. I figure eventually a tidy environment will become 'the new normal' and she'll find keeping it tidy easier. That's how it's worked in my own life, anyway.

[gardenmom5]

address the mentallity behind hoarding.  it is often tied to a feeling of insecurity, wanting to be in control (and feeling out of control in other areas of their life), having felt deprived, etc.   there may be underlying depression that her dr may want to address.  let him know she is hoarding.

 

my sympathies.  my mil is a hoarder.  some of it's for control, some of it was insecurity, some wanting to be in control. she also would squirrel away sugary snacks to eat when she wanted - she'd hide them and get upset and angry if anyone found them and ate anything. she would also frequently keep junk and get rid of things of value. 

 

eta:  there is a difference between chaotic and hoarding.

[kewb]

Both my teens are hoarders. They always have been. I really try to be hands off in their rooms. My mom was always on my case when I was a teen. I was quite the slob and her constant comments probably made me even more a slob. Basically, no food allowed. Clear path to the door. Dusting and vacuuming at least once a month. Ds with more frequency. His room takes on a dirty laundry smell if I don't remind him to put stuff in the hamper and that is gross.

[bettyandbob]

Walk through the process of how to decide whether something is worth keeping or not.

Provide a limited space for special treasures.

Inspect regularly, discuss over items that weren't handled as they should've been.

Stick to the no food upstairs rule.

 

When clutter isn't an executive function issue, it's often an anxiety one.  Because she has already gained weight, I wonder about not-normal eating as a means of coping with anxiety as well. It's hard to distinguish whether it's just because of added junk eating or whether she is hiding food up in her room to eat.  Whenever eating becomes a thing to hide, it becomes worrisome, imo.

:iagree:

 

I have one with executive function problem who also has anxiety and probably depression. The same child has a tendency to eat for comfort. 

 

I think you've gotten good advice on this thread. I would suggest in addition to the "rules" and teaching her decision making, you figure out what activity helps calm her and try to include it in your daily routine. In my house exercise seems to be the thing, although no one loves/seeks out exercise, it is the behavior change after exercise that shows the need. The "thing" that calms your dd might be completely different. 

 

It sounds like a pet is being kept in the room. I would use checking on the pet as part of the room check, simply to make sure the pet bedding gets out of the room regularly. 

[Ottakee]

Maybe I shouldn't have used the term hoarder as I dont' think she has that mentality.  I think it is more executive functioning and her idea of "clean" is out of sight.  The boxes and bags are out of her room.  SHe might complain a moment when she gets home but in reality will be glad she didn't have to do it all.

 

Now to tackle the bathroom and other dd's room today.  Neither are that bad but need a mom's attention.

 

I just need to make sure I am staying on top of these things and remembering that they need help and supervision........so easy to miss it when their rooms are upstairs and I don't go up there often.