Can we talk about self-discipline--specifically, about developing it from scratch?

[melissel]

As an adult with responsibilities beyond caring for just myself, I'm finding that, frankly...well, I have none. I always sort of knew it, but since it was just me for so long, it didn't matter much. My parents both worked, I was an only child and very self-reliant, no real demands were ever put on me. Now, here I am, rather bereft and trying to create a schedule and routine by sheer force of will, and it's just not really working. I'm a procrastinator of the highest degree, and also, it seems, an optimist. I always think I'll have enough time or something will come along and save me or ah, we didn't really need to do that thing anyway. It stinks, and I'm very unhappy with it, but I'm not entirely sure how to go about changing it.

 

Suggestions? Books? Etc.?

 

All advice is welcome. TIA.

[Mom2legomaniacs]

Start small. Pick one thing to start with. Don't try to do too much at once lest it set you up for failure. That's the best I can come up with for now. I understand. There are parts of what you said that ring somewhat true for me at times as well.

 

I don't have any advice for books or anything though. Some others may have ideas.

[flyingmommy]

You might try taking a look at Flylady.net. I know it looks like a "house cleaning" site but it's so much more than that. The founder, Marla Cilley (a.k.a. Flylady) basically decided to finally "get organized" and ended up creating a program (totally free BTW) that now has almost a half a million subscribers. She gives great advice on how to start small and build routines, then build on those routines. She's also really good at helping you change the way you think about yourself and your abilities.

 

J

[JennifersLost]

I don't have good suggestions for books off the top of my head, but I find I have to read them over and over again, and now some of the ideas are seeping in.

 

For example, I do menu plans for a month at a time. That's become second nature after a few years. When I make my menus I write all the staples on one huge list and visit the local warehouse store for all that stuff. I also make weekly shopping lists for "perishables". If I simply follow my lists and menu, I don't have to think about food pretty much for the rest of the month.

 

My struggle comes from being project-oriented. So, I keep my schedule for awhile, then get immersed in some project and everything goes to heck in a handbasket. Then when I resurface I have to start all over.

[NevadaRabbit]

As an adult with responsibilities beyond caring for just myself, I'm finding that, frankly...well, I have none. I always sort of knew it, but since it was just me for so long, it didn't matter much. My parents both worked, I was an only child and very self-reliant, no real demands were ever put on me. Now, here I am, rather bereft and trying to create a schedule and routine by sheer force of will, and it's just not really working. I'm a procrastinator of the highest degree, and also, it seems, an optimist. I always think I'll have enough time or something will come along and save me or ah, we didn't really need to do that thing anyway. It stinks, and I'm very unhappy with it, but I'm not entirely sure how to go about changing it.

 

Suggestions? Books? Etc.?

 

All advice is welcome. TIA.

 

I'm a list girl. I have lists everywhere. I write out schedules, mark up calendar sheets with what's coming, keep a weekly journal of what I need to accomplish and when. Like you, I procrastinate like crazy and somehow manage to get things done even if it is at the eleventh hour. Y'know, one thing is to maybe just accept that about yourself - I do better when I feel pressure to get it done - I can concentrate better, and seriously I'm smarter at that eleventh hour!

[Peri]

You need to go little by little. I am very much like you. I was an only child and was pretty much self reliant as well. I had no structure growing up and therefore have had a hard time applying it to myself as an adult. The one thing I learned after I had my first child was that it is sooo important to set up routines. But if you aim too high then it becomes too hard and you end up giving up. So you start with a little bit at a time. Start with a basic thing like waking up and sleeping at the same time everyday then after a week, or maybe moredepending on how well you've adjusted to the first change, you add meal times. Have breakfast, lunch, and dinner at the same times everyday. Then you figure out what chores you need to do on a daily basis and you set up a time for that. At this point, I think you pretty much get the picture. A good site to get you started on hosehold routines is Flylady.com. Real slow and real easy. Fly Lady says it takes about a month for you to really get 1 routine down and get real used to it so that's how they take it. HTH!

[LaxMom]

Hmmmm, that sounds eerily familiar. Maybe it's an only child thing. In any event, I have the same trouble and still struggle with it every day. As an example, 18 months ago, I searched for laundry every day. Searched! We went on vacation, I came home, threw the laundry in, done. I changed the sheets every couple of days (including pressing them) because I needed something to do with laundry to keep up my routine.

 

Then we ripped out the kitchen. Not only was I involved in the demo and building, but the laundry room is off the kitchen and it was a total pain to drag the laundry through the construction zone. So I figured I could skip it for a while... that was Bastille Day 2007. I.am.still.not.caught.up.

 

Not sure I have a panacea for you, but I can share what has helped me at different stages.

 

 

• What I like to call "the village idiot scavenger list" in which I write things on post-its and place them in various places, like "Get dressed" on the coffee pot, "bathroom" on my bedroom mirror, "cat box" on my bathroom mirror, etc. So, when I'm getting coffee, I am reminded to take my cup and go get dressed. While I'm getting dressed, I am reminded to go directly to the bathroom and get the grooming done, while I'm in there, I am reminded to go scoop the cat box, etc., until I have completed the circuit and come back downstairs.
  
• More post-its with the to-do items for the day, which I line up on the bottom of the microwave (it seems to have no other purpose). One by one, I pick them off and stick them to the glass, set the timer, and get that job done. When I've finished, I stick them on the fridge so I have a list of what I've done. Sometimes, I have a friend work with me, by phone. We check in every hour, chat a few minutes, say what we're going to do in the next hour and hop to it.
  
• Schedule! Make one, follow it, don't let anything get in your way. I have made one that smacks of OCD, and if I don't keep it, the whole mess falls apart. Again. I'm now at the place where I am going to have to will myself to ignore the phone and designate a time to call people back because that is beginning to suck up a lot of time that I need to focus on other things.

Your girls are still young, which is a double-edged sword. You don't need to spend a great deal of time sitting with lessons, but they need to be supervised and led in activities... (on the other hand, they're the same ages mine were when everything was in order.)

 

Good luck!

[Alana in Canada]

I have no suggestions, really.

 

But I too was an only child--but I was left to my own resources.

 

I just wanted to say, I know exactly how you feel. Exactly. I started flylady and did well with that for about three months--and then, everything was so nice and "caught up" --and I was bored. I let it go. And it's still out there somewhere....

 

I liked the suggestion of going to bed and getting up at a consistent time FIRST before expecting more (though so much more needs to be done, of course.)

 

Still that's pretty basic...and it isn't handled.

 

Thanks for this thread!

[Stacy in NJ]

As an adult with responsibilities beyond caring for just myself, I'm finding that, frankly...well, I have none. I always sort of knew it, but since it was just me for so long, it didn't matter much. My parents both worked, I was an only child and very self-reliant, no real demands were ever put on me. Now, here I am, rather bereft and trying to create a schedule and routine by sheer force of will, and it's just not really working. I'm a procrastinator of the highest degree, and also, it seems, an optimist. I always think I'll have enough time or something will come along and save me or ah, we didn't really need to do that thing anyway. It stinks, and I'm very unhappy with it, but I'm not entirely sure how to go about changing it.

 

Suggestions? Books? Etc.?

 

All advice is welcome. TIA.

 

 

By nature I'm not an organized person. I've had to develop it over the years. The biggy for me is rewards and punishments. I don't allow myself my daily rewards until I've completed my tasks. Like one of the other poster, I'm a list and written schedule person, these keep me organized and focused.

 

I don't drink my morning coffee until after I exercise. I don't use any computer or phone time until school, chores and daily meal planning is completed. I don't eat my evening desert until dinner dishes are cleaned. Previously I would get really side tracked with my own interests and lose sight of the my daily responsibilites, now I don't allow any indulgence in interests until my jobs are done.

 

Really, it's about setting aside what you want to do for what you need to do.

 

HTH, Stacy

[klmama]

Sink Reflections, by Marla Cilley. She's the FlyLady. I couldn't stand her emails interrupting my homeschool day, but the book was helpful. The best thing I did was make a binder with lists for all of us (dc and I) to work from in the morning. Everyone has chores, and breakfast doesn't get eaten unless those chores are done. Lists are in clear sheet protectors and attached to dry erase markers.

 

I didn't get everything caught up this way, but it sure helped.

 

As for developing the self-discipline, I think little steps help. Pick something you don't really want to do, and then do it. You'll feel good that you accomplished something and did the right thing, all at once, and it will make you feel better about doing it again and again.

[Peela]

I was going to suggest Flylady too. It helped me.

 

I don't find discipline to be about willpower and forcing myself to do something. Or at least, thats a rare expression of discipline for me. Usually, its a change of mind or heart that makes me want to go in the direction of more order, more efficiency, beauty, peace etc

To be more specific, in order to keep my bedroom tidy, I don't "make" myself tidy it. I walk in there, realise it will literally take 5 minutes to make a difference, have a desire to have a clean room, start tidying and putting away, and then have the reward of a tidier more peaceful room at the end of it. There was never any forcing myself. I have to want to- not idealistically, but really, in the moment. Same with exercise. I just went through a period of very little exercise, but I trusted that at some time the inspiration would come back, and it has- just enough to walk every day and do some yoga when I am up early enough. No pushing myself, no hurting myself with expectations- a gentleness and wanting to love myself. I don't use self flaggelation for motivation any more.

But it took Flylady for me to realise how much can actually be done in a short amount of time, and that the little bits all count, and for me to stop feeling overhwhelmed with that feeling I had to do everything right now.

It's all about babysteps, and lovin' yourself.

[melissel]

My struggle comes from being project-oriented. So, I keep my schedule for awhile, then get immersed in some project and everything goes to heck in a handbasket. Then when I resurface I have to start all over.

 

Yes, I have the same problem.

 

I'm a list girl. I have lists everywhere. I write out schedules, mark up calendar sheets with what's coming, keep a weekly journal of what I need to accomplish and when. Like you, I procrastinate like crazy and somehow manage to get things done even if it is at the eleventh hour. Y'know, one thing is to maybe just accept that about yourself - I do better when I feel pressure to get it done - I can concentrate better, and seriously I'm smarter at that eleventh hour!

 

I make lists too...and then I never follow them :confused: And that's how I've survived these past 6 years, but oh, the pressure is so intense, and like Peela said just above me here, the self-flagellation is just awful. I also work from home, so I have the added pressure of performing well there too, because I have to satisfy my employer, and too often their needs are at cross-purposes with my home responsibilities. It just really, really stinks. I guess I'm trying to find a better way to keep that from happening?

 

Hmmmm, that sounds eerily familiar. Maybe it's an only child thing. ... [snip]

 

[*]What I like to call "the village idiot scavenger list" in which I write things on post-its and place them in various places, like "Get dressed" on the coffee pot, "bathroom" on my bedroom mirror, "cat box" on my bathroom mirror, etc.

 

Oh my gosh!!!! I literally just had this same idea the other day, but it just seemed so wrong that an adult would need such a thing--like, why would I need a reminder to shower? But I think it's not so much a reminder as it is a visual cue as to the priority each step needs to take. I love it--I think I'm going to do it, thank you!

 

But I too was an only child--but I was left to my own resources. ...

 

[snip]

 

I liked the suggestion of going to bed and getting up at a consistent time FIRST before expecting more (though so much more needs to be done, of course.)

 

I'm sure a LOT of it has to do with being an only. If I only had my DD5, my life would be SO much easier. She's like a mini adult and always has been. I think it's very easy to leave an only to their own devices, but factor in even one other kid, and the responsibilities multiply exponentially!

 

And yes, that's the first step I'm working on. I just hate going to be at night! It's the only quiet time I get all day--I hate giving it up :tongue_smilie:

 

I don't drink my morning coffee until after I exercise. I don't use any computer or phone time until school, chores and daily meal planning is completed. I don't eat my evening desert until dinner dishes are cleaned. Previously I would get really side tracked with my own interests and lose sight of the my daily responsibilites, now I don't allow any indulgence in interests until my jobs are done.

 

Really, it's about setting aside what you want to do for what you need to do.

 

HTH, Stacy

 

This is good advice. I teach the kids this, but I don't do it myself. I don't know why it didn't occur to me.

 

I don't use self flaggelation for motivation any more.

 

Great point. This seems to be my primary motivation these days, and it doesn't feel good.

 

 

Alright, all you Flylady people. I just happen to have the book sitting in my library bag right at this moment. I started it, but was put off by the beginning and was just going to return it. Now I'll renew it and just power through it, OK??? :D

 

And to those who gave me rep and left comments about this thread, :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: to you all too. We can do it!

[melissel]

But, I also have to add...I got up at 6 a.m. this morning to start my day--shower early, do some of my paid work, clean out the dishwasher, etc. 6 a.m., people!!!!! I spent some time in the bathroom, came out, settled in on the couch to respond to this thread and check my e-mail...and here comes my DD5 down the hall, ready to start the day with me :crying: :banghead: This is a kid who normally doesn't wake until 9. The toddler was a weeping, wailing mess last night and took over an hour to get to sleep, and I ended up sleeping in her bed accidentally, so I didn't get any work done last night. I was counting on this morning time. I feel like I just can't win :(

[5kidsforME]

But, I also have to add...I got up at 6 a.m. this morning to start my day--shower early, do some of my paid work, clean out the dishwasher, etc. 6 a.m., people!!!!! I spent some time in the bathroom, came out, settled in on the couch to respond to this thread and check my e-mail...and here comes my DD5 down the hall, ready to start the day with me :crying: :banghead: This is a kid who normally doesn't wake until 9. The toddler was a weeping, wailing mess last night and took over an hour to get to sleep, and I ended up sleeping in her bed accidentally, so I didn't get any work done last night. I was counting on this morning time. I feel like I just can't win :(

 

Melissa you sound so much like me!!!! I too stay up way to late at night because it is the only "me" time I get, to get certain things done and have no interruptions on other things. Then when I try to make a go at it and get up early, what do you know?? Here comes one of my kids walking down the hallway ready to start the day waaaaay earlier then any other day. :glare:

 

I have no advice :001_huh:, but am reading everyone elses, just a "Right there with ya Sistah!"

[Trivium Academy]

Have you ever tried an accountability partner? You could even use the boards for it. You tell someone one thing you will accomplish in a day and no matter what happens you have to report on it.

 

Guess who weekly reporters started? I decided to report on my blog once a week what we were doing- the pressure to do so provided accountability. I was just doing it for myself but others saw it and decided they wanted to do the same, voila 60+ homeschool weekly reporters. A lot of us need help. :D

[Beth in IN]

Okay...I started reading this thread and became fascinated with the only child connection. Hmmm. I am an only and struggle with these issues but never correlated it with having no siblings. I always thought my selfishness resulted from that or my wanting to have much "alone" time. But my lack of self-discilpline...never saw that connection. Fascinating!

 

You just never know what you are going to get on these boards:001_smile:

[WTMindy]

My suggestion is accountability!!!! It is my favorite word because I tend to not have great discipline. For example, meet someone at the gym, ask your dh to make sure you do something, have your kids provide some accountability. Any way you can build it in, it really helps!!!

[Rosie_0801]

"No my dear girl, there is not a chance I'm going to let you play on the WTM message boards until you've washed those dishes. No good complaining. It's not going to happen. But look on the bright side, you can tell them all you've washed all your dishes, and they'll tell you what a good woman you are. If you wipe the stove, I'll let you have a coffee while you play."

;)

Rosie

[Michelle T]

Okay...I started reading this thread and became fascinated with the only child connection. Hmmm. I am an only and struggle with these issues but never correlated it with having no siblings. I always thought my selfishness resulted from that or my wanting to have much "alone" time. But my lack of self-discilpline...never saw that connection. Fascinating!

 

You just never know what you are going to get on these boards:001_smile:

 

 

Technically, I'm not an only, but my brothers are much older, so growing up I was pretty much the only kid around.

 

I also struggle with these same issues, I relate completely to the OP. I had no particular structure, guidance, or any real parenting for that matter, growing up, and it is very hard for me to discipline myself now. I also always have detailed schedules and charts, but never follow them. I've always just thought I was very lazy and undisciplined, with no will power.

Michelle T

[scrappymom]

WOW!!! This is an AWESOME thread!!! I was just discussing this with my therapist this morning...

My mom got sick when i was 11, with chronic depression/chronic fatigue/fybro...and was essentialy useless...leaving me to do "everything" until i left home at 19...I am now 28, married with 2 kiddo's and trying to homeschool! My hubby has a very easy schedule at work and only works Fr/Sa/Su/Mo nights and Wed lunchshifts...so it's hard for us to find a routine with all the freetime that we have together...

I just don't really know where to start or why...I wish with all my might that i would not be like this, but i didn't have anyone to watch or show me how or what to do...(i don't have a memory prior to the illness, but don't think that she did much before she got sick either...she was a single mom with a stressful management job).....Anywho...I'm just so thankful to see that I'm not the only one who has no idea what they're doing! YAY!!! lol.

I have all the Flylady books and get the emails..but i just can't seem to get the whole routine thing down...I should definitely try again...i need this homeschooling thing to work!!!

[kalanamak]

Start small. Pick one thing to start with.

 

:iagree:

 

One that is not the hardest, biggest thing, but the one thing that will help you in other ways, e.g. starting school ON TIME, or cleaning the kitchen before you go to bed....something that will make other things go more smoothly.

[runninmommy]

I have struggled with discipline as an adult as well. For me..(maybe I am a little weird) Getting into a good exercise routine is the only thing that does it for me. I alternate running or weight training daily. Doing this gives me the energy I need to start my day right and be in a good mood. The constant building up training for a race or specific mileage goals carries over to my daily routine. It clears my mind, helps me in my spiritual life, plan short/long term goals and I get more done in a day. It also helped me to get into a good sleep schedule b/c I am really tired by the time I need to go to bed and I wake up w/o an alarm in the morning.

 

There have been many times when I have fallen off the "exercise wagon" and let me tell you, it messes up my whole life.:glare: I am so crabby everyone runs away from me. I am lethargic and unmotivated and unscheduled. I feel horrible and make my family feel the same. It is such a world of difference when I exercise.

 

I started out just trying to run a mile. After a few weeks, I was running two miles..I increased by about 10% each week and before I knew it I was running half/marathons, 5ks and now about to run my first full marathon.

 

I am not saying you need to be a marathoner, but maybe finding a exercise routine you enjoy would help a little. My good friend buys DVD's of Guillermo Gomez kickboxing. She thinks he is just so cute and loves to do everything he says.:lol: Here is a link so you can see him.

http://www.amazon.com/South-Beach-Boxing-Guillermo-Gomez/dp/B000NVIGGG

 

Whatever works ya know??

 

I hope you can find something that will work for you. :grouphug:

[Staci in MO]

A couple of things for encouragement. First of all, the "getting up early with Mommy" thing tends to be less of a problem as they get older. They're less likely to want to get up with you, and when they do, they can go off and do their own thing.

 

Also, if you are consistently getting up early, it's likely to wake them up. I used to tip-toe around like mad to keep from waking my dc up in the mornings. Now, they're used to hearing me and they rarely get up with me.

 

I've heard of families where the dc are taught to stay in bed (other than to go to the bathroom) until the mother calls them in the morning. I've never implemented that, but it would also be a possibility.