Does she do this to be rude?

[mom@shiloh]

So, there's this fellow homeschooling mom who has kids about the same ages as my kids.  Our kids are involved in many of the same things, so we end up being in the same company often.  Recently, we chatted briefly and in the conversation she included the fact that she had plans to do something with a different mom who has a dd about the same age of one of my dd and the same age as the other woman's dd.  This wouldn't be a big deal if it only happened once, but in almost every conversation I have with her, she mentions something that her kids are doing that my kids are excluded from.  

 

Is it just me, or is that rude?  

 

When there's something that we've been invited to (whether it's for kids or families) I try to be pretty careful about not mentioning it to someone else who didn't get an invitation.  Does she do this on purpose to be rude, or is it possible that she's just that clueless?  

 

Just venting.....

[Spryte]

Clueless.   :001_rolleyes:  (The eye roll is for her, not for you.  I think she's really just totally clueless.)

 

If you want to put a super positive spin on it, maybe she's round-a-bout hinting to get your kids together, too.  Sounds like she's a bit socially challenged.

 

 

[Mrs Mungo]

I vote clueless or harmless, at least.

I could understand if there was a party or something that you/your kids weren't invited to. But, I might mention going to the museum or somewhere else with another mom and her kids without thinking twice about it. Unless it's a large social gathering, I see no reason to never mention any other outing with another mom. I would assume she's doing it to make mini-connections with you, implying a "oh yes, we're friends with them too" type of thing.

[MysteryJen]

"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity."

 

She is clueless.  Doesn't make it easier though, I know.

[Evergreen State Sue]

I would say something like, "Boy, that sounds like fun.  Would you mind if my dd and I meet up with you there.  I bet the girls would have a great time." Either she would be glad to invite you too, or she would make an excuse and think before mentioning an event you aren't invited to the next time.

[regentrude]

I don't see why mentioning "I am doing x with y" should be considered rude, or why it should be construed as "exclusion".

When a friend tells me "Paul and I went hiking last weekend" I do not feel excluded from the outing either, or suspect that he wants to be rude - he just happened to do this with (mutual friend) Paul and wants to tell me about it, because they had fun or saw something interesting.

 

If you feel that you might like to join, speak up and say something along the lines: "That sounds fun. I bet my DD would like that too. Would you like to come along another time when we go?" and thus open the door for her to say "Oh, why don't you just come and join us".

But I think as adults, we should be OK if some of our friends socialize with other friends without including us. I would assume this is not about you; they are not conspiring to be mean, rude, or excluding towards you - they probably have not given you a single thought when they arranged to meet.

[poppy]

"Things my kids are excluded from"???   I can't think of a more negative spin to put on it. 

She's just talking people you mutually know in a positive and non-gossipy way.

She's talking about outings and places her kids enjoy, which is a friendly way to connect with you.  I'd be more "Oh I've been there,  try the ice cream" or "Did you know it's half priced on Tuesdays?" than silently seething at not being included.

 

I wouldn't act the way she is, not my style. But I'd say it's clueless at worst. She's trying to talk about people & places within your circle of interest, not trying to make you feel jealous. 

[mom@shiloh]

"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity."

 

She is clueless.  Doesn't make it easier though, I know.

That made me laugh.

 

It really wouldn't bother me if it only happened once or twice.  It bothers me that she does it every time we even briefly happen to talk.  I really don't want to be included because I just don't enjoy spending time with her very much, so it's not that I'm jealous of being excluded. And  her children are um.... difficult, so it doesn't bother me that my dc aren't invited. 

[Mrs Mungo]

That made me laugh.
 
It really wouldn't bother me if it only happened once or twice.  It bothers me that she does it every time we even briefly happen to talk.

Maybe she's hinting at getting together with you, but is not a natural planner/inviter, maybe she's usually the invitee?

[HRAAB]

Are they public events such as gym classes, field trips, etc. that all homeschoolers could attend, or are they events that your children would not be able to attend due to not receiving an invitation or something private? If they're events open to all kids or homeschoolers, I would ask for more information. Normally I don't mind people mentioning events that I haven't been invited to, but if this was happening in every conversation, it could get a little frustrating.  I would assume she's just clueless and try my best to ignore it. I really don't believe most people do things like that to cause jealousy or make someone feel bad; they do it without thinking.

[HS Mom in NC]

I often ask my  friends what they've been up to lately or if they've done or plan to do anything particularly fun or interesting.  That often has them mentioning different things they do or will do with other people that I've not been invited to. I'm just taking an interest in them and their lives.  They're just sharing their lives with me. I've never been hurt if someone initiated a conversation about what they're going to do with someone that doesn't include me.

[weddell]

I know someone who does this and I think for her it is a mix of cluelessness and wanting to make her child seem popular. Of course people mention things they have done that don't include you, but this woman does it EVERY time we talk. It does make it a bit odd. I definitely don't feel excluded, more relieved to not be included!

[Guest submarines]

You don't like her that much, she probably doesn't like you that much either. You are trying to make a polite conversation, and she's trying to make a polite conversation. I think talking about activities is like talking about the weather. She probably doesn't want to strain her brain or talk about anything meaningful. Her kids' activities are on her mind--an easy subject. If her kids have other friends and are meeting that at other times, why is this necessarily rude? As it is, she probably estimated, and quite correctly, that you don't want to be friends with her and therefore wouldn't want to be included. She keeps her friends and her acquaintances separate in her mind. She's friends with the other woman, and she's just chatting with you.

 

It would've been rude if you really wanted to be included, and she knew it.

 

 

[fdrinca]

I kind of relate to this. We've recently joined a co-op of families that have been meeting for 10 or so years, and in the beginning (and still now, frankly), there's a lot of getting together and planning other activities that we're not party to. It's never done hurtfully, but is an odd little twinge of feeling left out when I see adventures posted on Facebook or people talking about it later. It actually has become more open as I've gotten to know them more - going on this playdate, this class, this Girl Scout troop, this hiking club, etc

[skeeterbug]

I can't quite tell from your post: Do you know the other woman and her dd or not? If you don't, your friend probably wouldn't think to invite you. If you do, why wouldn't you express interest in getting together with them?

We don't know this woman, and maybe she is the type to be bragging and purposefully making you feel excluded. If so, I imagine you have other clues to lead you to that conclusion. But under normal circumstances, I'd say (nicely) it isn't about you. She's just telling you about her life, chatting, keeping up the conversation. It isn't about your kids at all. She's telling you about hers and that says nothing about yours. (Again, that's in the absence of any contrary behaviour.) Why should she think you feel excluded? She might think you're not interested in coming along because you've never said anything.

:)

[WishboneDawn]

It think that in order to find offence you have to be emotionally invested. That can be positively or negatively and it sounds like, for you, it's negatively. You don't like her.

You don't like her so she irritates you. She irritates you so you focus on her repetitive behavior. Her repetitive behavior annoys you even more and you start to ascribe motive to it. Because you are invested in the relationship you assume she is and that motive is a negative one.

She may just be falling into the pattern of small chat you guys have established. All you've got in common is homeschooling so she shares what is ofinterest (a run down the week's seat work would pretty boring) and generally some outside activity. She doesn't know you well enough to talk about much more. She may not even be aware of how much of a pattern it's become.

[Chris in VA]

I have felt this when a dear friend talked about her family getting together with another (mutually) dear friend  for a bible study and dinner.

It hurt and I felt, not purposely excluded, exactly, but sad that my family couldn't and wouldn't have that sort of relationship with them. 

 

But that doesn't appear to be happening in your case. 

 

ITA it's just chatting and a bit clueless--maybe not even clueless, just a different style. 

[Miss Tick]

I think she is (subconsciously? trying to prove she is worth spending time with. You probably aren't the only one who "doesn't really want to spend time with her" and her "difficult" children.

[alef]

Friends tell me about things they do with other people. I tell friends about things I do with other people. Not an issue.

[mom@shiloh]

I think she is (subconsciously? trying to prove she is worth spending time with. You probably aren't the only one who "doesn't really want to spend time with her" and her "difficult" children.

 

This is probably true.  Recently there was a birthday party and her dd wasn't invited, but most of the other girls were.  We are in the same social circles often.  I wish I could like her because we're around each other often, and honestly, I almost always like people.  

[Catwoman]

That made me laugh.

It really wouldn't bother me if it only happened once or twice. It bothers me that she does it every time we even briefly happen to talk. I really don't want to be included because I just don't enjoy spending time with her very much, so it's not that I'm jealous of being excluded. And her children are um.... difficult, so it doesn't bother me that my dc aren't invited.

I think it all depends on the way she says things. I'm getting the impression that you think she is bragging about how wonderful and popular she is, and trying to make you feel like you're not worthy of being invited along.

But here's what I don't understand...

If you don't like her, why do you care that she's "excluding" you and your dd from activities? I truly don't mean this in a rude way, but maybe she realizes you don't like her, and she doesn't like you all that much, either, so it wouldn't occur to her to invite you to go places with her. She may be just trying to make pleasant conversation with you, not necessarily trying to one-up you by talking about her upcoming plans that don't include you.

I feel like I'm missing something here.

But whatever the case, you're not going to click with everyone. There will always be people with whom you will never be friends. It doesn't sound like you're missing out on anything by not seeing this woman socially, so I think you should just forget all about this and just be pleasant with the woman when you see her -- and try not to read any hidden meanings into her words. It's not worth the trouble, because you don't really like her anyway.

[Trish]

If she started inviting you we'd need a new thread on how to Say No Without Hurting Disliked Acquaintance's Feelings.

[LucyStoner]

Because you don't really like this person, I think you may be attributing negative intent to basically harmless banter. If you don't want an invite, it wouldn't bug you to hear about it. Honestly, I think you need to let it go.