How many clothes should DD14 have?

[goldberry]

DD is a mess with her clothes and does not take care of them.  Every day she tries on probably 5 outfits and throws 4 on the floor.  I think she has too many clothes and want to weed down, at least until she can manage them better.  She does not think she has too many.

 

Granted, DD is a total fashionista and always has been.  She wears "outfits" even when we are staying home.  So how many clothes should a style-conscious 14yo really have?

 

We have 2 church meetings per week, so that's 8 dress/skirt outfits.

 

I'm thinking she should have enough clothes to get through 2 weeks plus a few days for everyday outfits.

 

That would be say 18 shirts or shirt/layered combos, plus 4 jeans/colored jeans.  I would allow an extra 2-3 non-seasonal shirts (for right now in winter when it's warmer and she wants short sleeve).

 

Shoes - out of control right now!  She has 36 pairs. :eek:   I'm thinking for dress/church shoes, 1 black, 1 cream (for winter), 1 brown.  1 pair black boots, 1 pair other boots (which she wears boots with both church and casual outfits).  For casual shoes, in addition to the 2 pairs of boots, 1 pair tenny-shoes, 1 pair a little nicer.

 

What do you moms of daughters think of this?

 

I won't even go into the amount of scarves and hats she has but rarely wears - it takes up an entire wall in her room. :(

[Jennifer in MI]

I really shouldn't answer as I have teen boys.  But your dd has more clothes than I do!!!!  I have to say, I'm a little jealous!  (I think I dress pretty well.  I have a few base things and I accessorize a LOT.  So, I have very few base shirts and pants.  But, I have a number of sweaters, necklaces, and scarves.  So it always looks like I'm wearing something different.)

 

[texasmama]

What specifically bothers you?  The mess?  The lack of care for decent clothing that was bought for her?  I think that will help in your approach.  Just know that there is a whole lotta "normal" going on here.  When my dd was a teen, I just closed her door.  Once, when I went in her room, she had only one item hanging in her closet.  The rest of them were on the floor or piled on a chair in her room.  I gave over her laundry duties to her at about the age of 13, when the clothes became an issue..

 

Also, from a BTDT perspective (my oldest dd is in college), she may have a need for these clothes which is emotional, an attachment to them and to the ability to change her outfit if she isn't feeling "her best".  I would respect that need because, IMO, it can be a true developmental need for teen girls.  Since you describe her as a fashionista, it sounds like the clothes are probably a big part of her identity. 

 

I would start slowly and ask your dd to pare down shoes first, since there are so many.  I would ignore the scarves and hats on the wall.  Though she does not wear them much, they are likely part of her identity, something that she can "see" in front of her, KWIM?

 

As always, this is my perspective so take what you need and leave the rest.  I do feel your pain.  :)

 

 

 

[ChristineP]

I can't get over the number of shoes! Wow!! My dd is the exact opposite almost so no btdt from me.

[Tiramisu]

All any girl needs is one nice dress for church on Sunday and one other one to wear for the rest of the week. Something serviceable, calico, perhaps. Same for shoes. Barefoot in summer. Two pieces of ribbon to tie her hair. Send the rest out West in a mission barrel.

[goldberry]

Also, from a BTDT perspective (my oldest dd is in college), she may have a need for these clothes which is emotional, an attachment to them and to the ability to change her outfit if she isn't feeling "her best".  I would respect that need because, IMO, it can be a true developmental need for teen girls.  Since you describe her as a fashionista, it sounds like the clothes are probably a big part of her identity. 

 

IThough she does not wear them much, they are likely part of her identity, something that she can "see" in front of her, KWIM?

 

 

 

I'm speechless.  You just totally described what's happening.  Especially the part about changing her outfit when she isn't feeling right.

 

But is that healthy?  I am working with her in other areas about self-confidence, being too sensitive to other people's opinion, etc.  Should I just ignore the clothes for now and keep working on the other issues?

 

It's mainly the mess that bothers me, plus I interpret it as her not appreciating the clothes, although she is very good about being thankful and says she does appreciate them.  Also I hate the constant her not being able to find something because it is in a pile somewhere.

[73349]

I would like to suggest as a gift for her the book 7 by Jen Hatmaker. Let her think it over and you can work together to set a reasonable goal.

[texasmama]

I'm speechless.  You just totally described what's happening.  Especially the part about changing her outfit when she isn't feeling right.

 

But is that healthy?  I am working with her in other areas about self-confidence, being too sensitive to other people's opinion, etc.  Should I just ignore the clothes for now and keep working on the other issues?

 

It's mainly the mess that bothers me, plus I interpret it as her not appreciating the clothes, although she is very good about being thankful and says she does appreciate them.  Also I hate the constant her not being able to find something because it is in a pile somewhere.

You know, I was that girl.  And my older dd was that girl.  I think I would encourage you to think of this not in "healthy" or "unhealthy" terms but as part of the outward expression of the things she is working on inside her teen head, as a developmentally normal place to be, you know?  Not good or bad, just "it is what it is".

 

IMO, she probably is grateful for the clothes and does appreciate them.  IMO, you can choose to make this as much of an issue as you want.  I don't think it will address the things going on in her heart.  Time fixes that.  My best advice is to work on the other stuff, the stuff inside her head and heart as much as a mama can help a girl do that.  Some of it, we just have to do on our own, you know?

 

As an almost 47 year old recovered teen girl ( ;) ), I will say that I look back and appreciate the grace my own parents showed to me when my room was a mess and I had more clothing that three people needed.  I think my college girl will appreciate me someday for this, as well.

 

Being a teen is hard.  Being the mama of a teen is hard.

 

What should you do?  I don't know.  Everyone has a different approach, but I will tell you that I don't regret my approach of not making it an issue with my teen.  And, as an adult, I am neat and clean and don't pile my clothes on the floor, even without my mom making me straighten up my room 30 years ago.  :)

[bolt.]

I think I'd just "limit find" -- take away any clothes that become your problem. Have her earn or buy them back, as she thinks of them and wants them. Whatever settles out as manageable for her -- that will be fine.

 

She's still growing, so her wardrobe will pare itself down if you change your buying habits.

 

Also, make it clear that you are not going to worry about what she can and can't find -- unless you are thd one who took it away. It really shouldn't matter to you if your DD is well dressed of not (within reason) so it should be solely her worry if something is missing that she'd like to wear.

[goldberry]

I would like to suggest as a gift for her the book 7 by Jen Hatmaker. Let her think it over and you can work together to set a reasonable goal.

 

Interesting, I'll check into it.

[goldberry]

Texasmama, you've eased my heart tonight...thank you!

[texasmama]

I would like to suggest as a gift for her the book 7 by Jen Hatmaker. Let her think it over and you can work together to set a reasonable goal.

What a cool book this sounds like.  :)

[texasmama]

Texasmama, you've eased my heart tonight...thank you!

You're welcome.  (((hugs)))

[tshirtyogapantmama]

My girl will change her outfit 2-3 times a day if I let her. Already she changes 1/2 the time before we go out of the house. She use to not keep her clothes sorted and organized, I quickly took all her clothes and only left a few basics. She got the rest back over a period of time but she has to keep them off the floor, organized, and sorted. Just an idea...

[justasque]

I think it's useful at this age to start to teach wardrobe skills.  Some ideas:

 

~ Go through her whole wardrobe twice a year.  Put away anything that's not going to be worn for the upcoming season.  If things you aren't going to wear aren't there, it's easier to see what might work for the day's outfit.

~ Try on what's left.  Consider - Does it fit?  Is it in style (vs. horribly out of style)?  Does it fulfill a specific need, even if it's not going to be used frequently (long undies for skiing)?  Does it make her feel pretty and confident?  Is there anything that makes her put it back in the closet each time she considers wearing it (itchy, etc.)?  Is it in good shape (vs. needs repair)?  Put the things that are unlikely to be worn in the give-away pile.  Put the rarely used items separate, so they aren't mixed in with everyday choices but can be found when needed.  Respect her opinions as to what she is likely to wear vs. not.  If you don't want to give certain items away (because you think they may be handy) but she doesn't like them, at least store them separately.

~ Put together some outfits with the pieces that are left.  Try things on!  Take pics!  Have fun!  Are there any pieces that really can't be worked into an outfit?  If so, consider whether to purchase the needed complementary item or to give away the unmatchable one.

~ Look in magazines, catalogs, etc. and see what styles and trends you both like for the upcoming season.  Think about getting a piece or two, or an outfit, to update her wardrobe.  The season is only 3 months or so, so don't overbuy - you usually don't need much but having *something* keeps your wardrobe fresh and stylish.  

 

~ Choose a theme for each season's "capsule wardrobe"  - maybe blue and white for the summer, or chunky funky for the fall, or whatever.  Use Polyvore.com to explore trends, looks, and identify key pieces.  By having a theme, you can mix-and-match pieces and get by with much fewer items.  You can also be much, much more targeted in your shopping, and less likely to end up with a lot of mismatched pieces.  

~ Remember accessories!  Shoes, bags, jewelry.  If you have a wardrobe theme in mind for the season, you can be sure they will match (both match the clothes and match the season and likely activities).

~ As part of the above, talk about style vs. fashion, and fads vs. classic pieces.  Also discuss quality vs. price tradeoffs.  When you shop, point out items at both ends of the spectrum and how you can tell which is which.

~ Make a list of what she needs to update the wardrobe for the upcoming season.  Shop together and have fun!

~ This process works just as well if you're working with hand-me-down bags and shopping at Goodwill than if you've got an open account at Nordies and Anthropologie.  It can actually be a useful way to make thoughtful purchases, and thus have fewer things, of higher quality and usefulness.

Clothes are fun, but there are a surprising number of skills involved in dressing well.  Teens have to go through the trial-and-error process of learning them.  Be kind, understanding, supportive, and loving.  And maybe buy a little something for yourself!

[nd293]

Dd14 has a couple of pairs of jeans, a fair few t-shirts, some nice skirts/dresses, a few pairs of shorts, some cute cardigans and that's it. She always looks cute.

 

We all have a pair of good shoes and a casual pair for each season. Plus runners/dance shoes.

That's pretty much dd13's wardrobe. I'd say she has a dozen tops (Tshirts, tank tops and button-ups - it's summer here), and that's more than I think necessary, but that does include stuff that's ready for the junk pile. In winter she'd probably have less long sleeved tops but keep some of her summer tops for wearing with a cardigan or jacket - we have many mild winter days.

[nd293]

I wanted to add that I think that dealing with the whole sloppy, don't-care, dump-it-on-the-floor, issue is important. Dd is at a Montessori school and they really try to look at the development of the whole child. Her latest report shows excellent academic and social development, but a lack of organisation, care of environment and focus at times. I just looked at her and pointed to her room. I think it was helpful, or at least illuminating, for her to realise that what Mom complains about is visible to other people in other areas of her life, and isn't just an issue of 'I should be able to do what I want in my space' and 'Mom's just being picky'.

[Rachel TX]

Before I learned "quality over quantity," I had too many clothes as a teen. It takes a while to mature and learn how to manage a wardrobe. You can add short-term solutions such as shelves in her room to display her shoes and free up closet space. More closet rods to hang up clothes instead of dresser drawers.

[fdrinca]

I also did this as a young teen. I'd change my outfit several times a day. I remember once, spending a week at my grandmother's house, changing my clothes so often that she called my mother to see if everything was OK with me. If I think back about it now, it was exactly the time my body was changing. My salient memory of that time period is being uncomfortable. I'm not sure I realized at the time that I was uncomfortable in my own skin, and no amount of clothes-changing could have changed this.

 

But now I'm a mom and can see how this situation would drive me insane from the other side. The mess! The waste!

 

I'm sure you'll figure out a way to manage her poor care of clothing situation. I'd recommend helping her find clothes that are flattering to her - perhaps that's the problem? Maybe a field trip to a department store where she could learn more about dressing for body sizes, etc. As a 14-year-old, I really would have appreciated that. (As a 34-year-old, I'd really appreciate that!) 

[Annie G]

Our youngest dd was JUST like this- the clothes and accessories multiplied and took over her room. Drove me crazy since I'm a minimalist. I have three pairs of shoes but two are worn perhaps five times a year total. 

 

When dd went away to college, things changed. Within about a month, she completely dropped all but her favorite few accessories, and pared her clothes down to what fits in a laundry basket. She doesn't wear pajama pants outside her room (and I'm glad!)  but she has seriously become choosy about what she wants to wear (and take care of since she's on her own now!). It was an amazing transformation. 

 

I had never really considered that the excessive clothing and accessories was emotionally necessary for some teens. I just saw it as stuff they wanted. That opened my eyes- interesting stuff I read here!

[goldberry]

Thanks for all the advice and experiences. 

 

Her clothes are all very flattering on her, she has very good taste!  So it does make more sense that the constant outfit-changing is more "uncomfortable in her skin".  Which I guess is pretty normal, I didn't see it connected to the clothes, though, so thanks for helping me see that!  She has been in there cleaning most of the afternoon, and I think even she is getting a little frustrated by it.

 

Justasque,  I like the idea of wardrobe management skills......  Funny you mentioned polyvore, she is a polyvore addict - her page is myredstar if you are ever on there.

 

Thanks everyone!

[MysteryJen]

She should read Tim Gunn's A guide to Quality, Taste, and Style.  He has a great chapter on closets, what you need, and how to take care of clothes. I had my girls read it and then we went through their closets.

 

She should have what she loves in her closet (Tim calls them Soul Stirrers) only. Even if it is only a few things.

[Cammie]

Wow - my dd is only 13 but you all are making me very grateful for the fact that she has a uniform at her school!  I cannot imagine wardrobes of that size and complexity at this point!!  Even with uniforms she has a small amount of choice, however, and I have to say I still see the issues of her not feeling comfortable in one shirt vs. another or shorts v.s pants on particular days.  I have to agree this is a developmental/getting comfortable with your body and your image thing.  Hang in there!!

[swellmomma]

based on dd14s dresser and closet apparently they need about 5 times what you think they should need.

[justasque]

...

Justasque,  I like the idea of wardrobe management skills......  Funny you mentioned polyvore, she is a polyvore addict - her page is myredstar if you are ever on there.

 

...

 

Oh wow - she is actually very talented!  And now I understand the shoes LOL!  

You know, fashion (and how one presents oneself in public) is *very* important to some people, in a way that others don't always understand.  

 

I think if you focus on her *feelings*, and take them seriously, you'll be on the right track.  And I double my suggestion to consider "fashion management" skills to be a serious subject in her education.  She may very well end up in the fashion field, career-wise.

[LibraryLover]

Assuming none of it is stolen ;), it's her clothing. So she enjoys fashion? That's not a moral issue. Some of us aren't into fashion, but that doesn't mean it's wrong.

I recommend hooks - - lots and lots of hooks. Easier than hangers. I am assuming what you mean by not taking care means not putting them on hangers,
not that she trashes them.

I think it's fine to go through items with her to clear out what doesn't fit and what she no longer wears. IMO, it would be wrong to arbitrarily weed through just because.

Don't jeopardize your relationship, but do help her organize and donate items she agrees to donate/give to friends. You might be raising an artist/designer. There is nothing wrong with that!

[J-rap]

My youngest is a little like that.  She didn't necessarily change her clothes several times a day, but she had way too many clothes -- most of which she got as hand-me-downs from three older sisters!  She just liked all of them and wanted to keep them, whether they fit her or not.  Combine that with the fact that she kept a very messy room, and it quickly became a disaster!  ha   I would try and help her figure out a system that was quick and easy, but even that didn't seem to work.  What we do now is about twice a year we do a major sorting/organizing/folding, and between-times I go in and just get rid of clothes that are obviously too big (she's very petite) or redundant, and she never seems to notice!

[kroe1]

A 14 yo should have clothing that her parents can comfortably afford and feel is appropriate for her, no more, no less.

 

In the OP's case, it is not about number of clothes but a child who does not appreciate what she has. Every time clean clothes get thrown on the floor, they should disappear for 2 weeks.

[heartosunshine]

My dd doesn't have tons of clothes but every time we were out, she'd beg for more. We instituted a clothing allowance using the teen checking account. Every month, money is automatically deposited into her account & that's all she gets. There are things that I'll buy like winter gear or a special occasion dress, but she's responsible for everything else, including undergarments. It's only been about 3 months but already she's learned so much! She's very selective about what she buys now and is much more careful with her clothing, such as checking the washing instructions instead of mindlessly mashing it all into the washer.

 

Also, perhaps she needs a better closet system? Doesn't have to be pricey, it just needs to work for her.

 

ETA: I'm answering your original question with a question: Does she have so many clothes that she can't (or doesn't want to) care for them all properly? If so, then she probably has too many and perhaps some thinning is in order.

[justasque]

A 14 yo should have clothing that her parents can comfortably afford and feel is appropriate for her, no more, no less.

 

In the OP's case, it is not about number of clothes but a child who does not appreciate what she has. Every time clean clothes get thrown on the floor, they should disappear for 2 weeks.

 

But in this case, the child is 14.  That means she's four years away from college and living on her own.  At that age, as much as possible, the goal is to help the child develop their own solutions to problems, with mom's guidance, rather than mom imposing solutions.  Because in four short years, they will *have* to do this - better to get some practice under mom's roof first.  

 

If mom takes over and solves the problem *for* her, then she may learn the habit of putting her clothes away (at least for as long as she lives at home) but once the punishment (clothes being removed) goes away, the habit may also lapse.  More importantly, she's lost the opportunity to dialog with mom (who owns the problem? --> what are the issues for mom, vs. what are the issues for dd), do her own problem identification (what exactly are the issues involved - hard to vacuum, clothes get wrinkled, possible extra laundry or wearing dirty clothes, etc.), brainstorm solutions (culling of clothes, seasonal switch-outs, chair for clothes that aren't clean but not yet ready to go in the wash, better hanging habits, choosing outfits a day ahead or a week ahead, etc. etc.), and implement the solutions that she feels may best address the identified problems (and change up the solutions if they aren't working).  These experiences will help her have a much richer and more in-depth set of skills and experiences than just "I have to do it because mom will punish me if I don't".  

 

As teachers, we can implement rote learning, or we can help students have a much deeper, wider, and personal appreciation of and experience with the subject matter - even if the subject in question is fashion or housekeeping.  As a future mom, the OP's dd will have to manage these things for and with her own kids one day.  The richer her experience with gradually taking over some of the clothing/household management jobs, the better prepared she will be to take on this role in the future.

 

(Also, I second the poster above who suggested a clothing allowance.  I've seen that work very well, and for a fashionista it is a critical part of an education in resource management.)

[goldberry]

Well, she is doing a big room cleanup this weekend, and we've agreed on winter break to remove seasonal items and purge some of them.  In addition, we are going hard-line on "item in = item out", meaning anything new that comes home, one older thing of the same type has to go. She agrees that's a good plan.

 

 

 

 

[MAIMOM]

HUgS to you! AT&T his stage of life as long as. attitude is good we can work around a messy floor. That is what the door is for, I close it when it bothers me.

 

Just one thing to add. Many times we find it easier to get rid of things when we think in terms of "blessing" someone else. I have items I do not use or do not love so I will donate them to bless someone else. I think this also raises awareness beyond ones self to think about others and how we can help others. I have found it helps me and my kiddos when a cleaning out needs to be done. They actually get excited to see how many things they can bless with. There is joy as the pile grows not dread and resistance.

[Melissa in Australia]

My almost 14 dd has 1 pair of jeans, 2 pairs of shorts, 6 skirts, 3 dresses, 5 tee shirts, 2 blouses,3 long sleeve tops,  1 jacket,  1 windcheater, 1 basketball outfit, 1 swimmers including board shorts and rash top and 2 sets of summer PJs, 2 sets of winter PJs. for shoes she has 1 pair of flip-flops (called thongs here), 1 pair of gumboots, 1 pair of runners for basketball, old runners for whatever, 1 pair of sandals.

 

 

 

As I live in a mild climate we do not have any need for heavy winter gear.

[MolleenCarie]

I just want to echo everything justasque posted. Your dd is talented! I looked at her polyvore site, and she has "Your awkwardness is adorable" on her collage titled "Warmth in the Darkness," which goes to show fdrinca may be right about being uncomfortable in her skin. Weren't we all? I've learned a lot from this thread.