Would this put up more red flags?

[Only me]

I posted before about my 21 year old daughter and her online relationship.  I have since changed my user name since I am concerned about her finding these posts.  I know that she would be uspet if she knew that I was talking about her online but I have no one else to talk to irl except for my dh and of course he is also very concerned.  In case you didn't read my other post this is a brief summary:  DD is 21 and a college senior, although she won't be graduating for at least another 1 1/2 years due to a double major and also due in some part to her poor planning.  She met a boy online through a twitter page he set up for people with depression.  He is 18 and a senior in high school.  I'm not sure when he turned 18 but I'm assuming it was somewhat recent.  My dd has anxiety, depression and OCD.  She has also threatened suicide in the past.  I have mixed feelings whether it was right or wrong (husband feels that is was wrong) but I looked at her twitter account and was able to find his twitter page.  She does not know that I did this.  On his twitter page he talked about cutting as well as talked a lot about wanting to kill himself.  Even though he claims he set up the page to help others he posted a picture with a bunch of blades with the caption "which one should I choose".  I feel that this boy is in a dark place.  My biggest concern is the fact that she has fallen in love with a guy that she has never met.  She claims that she knows everything about him since they talk constantly (text, phone and skype).  In this day and age, I know that people aren't always as they appear.  I'm also concerned about their age difference.  Five years from now it probably wouldn't be as big of a deal but he is still a senior in high school.  Even if he is mature as she claims I really feel that a senior in high school and a senior in college are worlds apart.  I'm also concerned about his emotional problems.  I have nothing against him and of course know that he can't help it.  My daughter is very unstable and I feel that she needs someone who is stable in her life-not someone that makes her depression even worse since she has to worry about him.  My daugter told me about him 2-3 weeks ago but apparently they have been talking for 4 months (she originally told me 2).  She is home for break and we had a discussion that did not go well.  She says that they are both adults and will do what they want and there is nothing I can do to stop them.  Of course legally there isn't anything but of course I'm still very concerned.  There have also been a few more developments which have put up more red flags for me:

 

My 18 year old daughter also follows him on twitter.  He abruptly deleted his twitter account last week.  She asked her sister about this.  Apparently his mother asked him where he had met my daughter.  When he told her that they met on a depression twitter account that he set up she said it was silly since he isn't depressed.  She told him that he doesn't have emotional problems and made him delete the account.  So according to his own words this kid was cutting, has been to a psychiatrist and is on meds yet his mom apparently didn't know.  I can understand him hiding it if he was older but I'm assuming that it has been going on for awhile and he was under 18 when it started so I would think that his mom would have brought him for treatment.  Also my daughter made it sound like his mom has known about the relationship for awhile (at least a month).  If she already knew about the relationship why was she just asking him now how they met.

 

When my dd first told me about this she said that at first his mom wasn't very happy but then after he explained it to her she was on board.  She said that his mom even wanted to talk to me.  I said that was fine and told dd to give her my contact info.  She had it for 2-3 weeks and I never heard from her.  Yesterday I asked my dd why I hadn't heard from his mom if she was so on board with this and she said his mom was just taking her time to figure out what she wanted to say.  Ironically I received an email from her an hour after dd and I talkied.  In the email she expressed her concerns due to the online aspect as well as the age difference but then she went on to say that her son is so happy and that she likes to see him this way.  At the end of her email she gave me her phone number in case there was ever an emergency or if I wanted to talk yet she said that she really hates talking on phones and would rather I not call.  That really sets up another red flag for me.  I'm not sure if I believe that this was truly the mom sending the email.  She sent it with a mobile device so it doesn't even show her email address.

 

My number one concern is that this guy is truly who he says he is.  Since they have skyped and my 18 year old daughter also skyped for a few minutes with him apparently he is a young guy.  I'm still not 100% convinced due to recent news stories about this type of thing happening.  Is there a way that I can find out if the phone number she gave me truly belongs to her?  It came back unlisted.  Is there anything else I can do to find out who these people truly are?

 

I'm also concerned about the fact that my dd has kept so much of this secret.  She has never lied to us until now.  She told me that they had been talking two months when it was actually 4 months.  Since she told me that they met on a depression twitter account I asked her what kinds of things he was going through but she refused to tell me.  She says that it is private and of course that is true but I also think that she may have gotten in over her head with this guy and doesn't know how to deal with the cutting, etc.  She knows that if we knew that we would be even more concerned.

 

I asked her what her plans were.  She said that she eventually wants to meet this guy-probably spring break or over the summer.  She said that if we don't make it possible for him to come here that she will go to him (1000 miles away).  I know when I mentioned this before someone said that I should drop everything and find  way for them to meet over Christmas.  Of course I feel that this is important but I also have a lot of other things going on.  My mom is dying of cancer and I definitely want us to spend time with her (including my daughter).  My daughter will be going away next semester for the Disney program so we need to get her ready to go by the first week of January.  I have medical problems of my own and quite honestly I feel that I'm about to have a breakdown.  There is so much going on and I'm very overwhelmed. 

[Starr]

Offer for you to fly out with her and meet his family. 

[Incognito]

Wow.  Well, I don't have much, but one thought is that how about you invite him to visit and say you'd like to get to know him a bit.  He likes (is in a relationship with) your daughter, so you want to get to know him too.  You skype with him.  Ask him all sorts of stuff about life and school (well not insanely much but be friendly and interested).  If he is willing to talk with you and share these things, he may well be who he says he is, and you can investigate on your own as well (perhaps even hire someone to do that, if it is within your means).

 

Other than that, I don't know what I'd do.  Whatever you can to pour the love on your DD.  DH too.  

[Guest submarines]

My gut feeling that this person has created an elaborate and despicable hoax to possibly trigger suicides in those who are depressed.

I have no advice. This is a horrible situation. I hope your DD gets into a safe place, emotionally and physically.

[Kathryn]

Yes, very big red flags. I'd try to do more investigating, even if I had to pay for it.

[Guest submarines]

Yes, very big red flags. I'd try to do more investigating, even if I had to pay for it.

 

Yep. I'd hire a private investigator.

 

[kroe1]

Let me get this straight. Are you asking if the overly stressed mom and dad, who control the pocketbook, should let a high school stranger in California and a depressed adult daughter dictate their better judgment? I know I sound caddy, but I do not see any thing good out of depleting your wallet over this. If your DD wants to go, fine. Let her earn her own money.

 

At this point in your life, you and DH should be focusing on hoarding your money for your own retirement. If you choose to spend some of it to educate your adult children so you won't feel obligated to keep your adult children living in your wallet, so be it. But really, why would you think adult children are entitled to more than that? If you and your DH are rich and already have your nest egg! then please forgive me. Do whatever you want with your money. Otherwise, you owe it to your adult children to provide well for yourselves so your adult children do not have to let you live out of their wallet later on.

[Forget-Me-Not]

Third vote for a PI. I'd be extremely concerned at this point.

[Heidi]

Did you call the number that his mom gave you yet?

[Dashka]

I will preface this with my experience. I met my husband online. I am 4.5 years younger than him and we were at an age where that mattered. I was depressed and almost committed suicide, except he stopped me. He has never experienced depression. I lived with my grandmother, and she saw the difference in me, and invited him to visit for two weeks. The rest is history; there were more visits and eventually we got married. We've been happily married for 7 years :)

 

That said! Definite red flags. Teenagers and young adults are wily, and it would be beyond simple to fake that email. Especially since it came shortly after you talked to your daughter. I would either call (understanding that he may have a friend to pretend to be his mother..) or if you had the money, hire a P.I. In this situation I would find it worthwhile, as your daughter's safety could be at risk. Whether or not you go the P.I. route, be proactive. Do not let it advance to her going to visit him. Extend the invitation for him to visit you. You and your husband will be on guard and will have your parent-senses on high to see if he is what he says he is. If she goes there, you will worry about her during that time, and when she comes back you will be no wiser as to whether he is genuine. If you give him the chance, your daughter will realize that you aren't telling her "no" just to be in control, and you will have gained the opportunity to have a real talk with her about observations you have made instead of what you assume from conservations with her.

 

Good luck in this and I hope all works out as well for your daughter as it did for me. Whether with this guy, or someone else :)

[Joanne]

This is alarming on many levels. Since I can only talk to you, I will do that.

 

Your dd is developmentally "behind", at risk and vulnerable. You are too caught up in the quagmire of dubious details to reasons healthfully.

 

Assume NOTHING you hear about this "boy" and family are accurate or real.

 

Tell your dd that she is treading dangerous water and that you love her. Tell he because you love her, you are not going to in any way finance the absurdity - not with electronics, cash, or electricity. And follow through.

 

Give her a list of resource sites and numbers and distance yourself. She won't find stable and healthy until SHE is stable and healthy.

[Little Nyssa]

What is the Disney College program? Is it an enclosed program where she will not be able to have much contact with him? I hope she will make some great friends there and forget about this one.

I agree with everyone that the situation is strange and not good.

[Dashka]

Oh, and I forgot to add that I would not withhold financial support from her during this time. All you will do is alienate her. If she were doing something illegal, then yes, but she is not. And you currently have no proof to offer her that she is/could harm herself. She will almost assuredly find her own way and have little or nothing to do with you. Tread carefully, lovingly but carefully, and you will serve yourself and your daughter so much better :)

[AmyontheFarm]

I would be calling that phone number so fast the wires would burn up! :)  I would then ask Mom where she would like for you to email her.  I would be telling his Mom about your concerns for your dd and share with her the lies or miscommunications that have been shared with you.  I would tell her that you are very concerned about the many red flags that are popping up and ask her if she had any concerns.  She should.

 

I would join that group she was on. Straight up!  I would tell my dd that I was wanting to understand what she was going through and I would join it.  Then I would invite him to Twitter with you also.  If in the future he wants to come visit YOUR home, then he can become online "friends" with you also.

 

I would not ever, ever, ever, ever over my dead body pay a single cent to allow her to travel there period. If you do let her travel there then not without your husband chained to her.   Sorry, Mom, but Daddy are more imposing to a boy.   But, of course he would be welcomed to pay his own way to come visit your daughter.  You and your daughter could arrange for him to stay at another church member's home (think youth pastor) and help to pay for his keep there for 1 week.  Then he goes home.  At no time do these two dear children get more than 15 minutes alone together and even then, it's while she drives him from point A to point B with half the army following them.  (ok, I might be a bit extreme there, 1/4 of the army will work)

 

 

[unsinkable]

I doubt like hell he is who he says he is. I would bet that any attempts that your DD makes to meet him in person will somehow "fall through."

 

If for some reason the plans don't fall through, I wouldn't let DD anywhere near him alone unless I had thoroughly vetted him. Given what he's "shared" with her, even after I vetted him, I'd be leary of her being alone with him.

 

(((Hugs)))

 

I'm so sorry.

[unsinkable]

What is the Disney College program? Is it an enclosed program where she will not be able to have much contact with him? I hope she will make some great friends there and forget about this one.

I agree with everyone that the situation is strange and not good.

The Disney College program is a combination job and college class program. In Orlando, the participants live in Disney dorms with other participants. They work at the parks and take classes.

 

It is a wonderful program for the right kind of person. It is also very intense and exhausting.

 

I'd be worried about her DD being able to be successful with this kind of outside stress hanging over her.

[unsinkable]

I would be calling that phone number so fast the wires would burn up! :) I would then ask Mom where she would like for you to email her. I would be telling his Mom about your concerns for your dd and share with her the lies or miscommunications that have been shared with you. I would tell her that you are very concerned about the many red flags that are popping up and ask her if she had any concerns. She should.

 

I would join that group she was on. Straight up! I would tell my dd that I was wanting to understand what she was going through and I would join it. Then I would invite him to Twitter with you also. If in the future he wants to come visit YOUR home, then he can become online "friends" with you also.

 

I would not ever, ever, ever, ever over my dead body pay a single cent to allow her to travel there period. If you do let her travel there then not without your husband chained to her. Sorry, Mom, but Daddy are more imposing to a boy. But, of course he would be welcomed to pay his own way to come visit your daughter. You and your daughter could arrange for him to stay at another church member's home (think youth pastor) and help to pay for his keep there for 1 week. Then he goes home. At no time do these two dear children get more than 15 minutes alone together and even then, it's while she drives him from point A to point B with half the army following them. (ok, I might be a bit extreme there, 1/4 of the army will work)

I agree, except about 1/4 of the army. All you'd need is a few Marines. :-)

[Mona100]

^{You guys, she is 21. She is an adult. If she really wants to, she could go off and meet him herself. I would not finance any trips for either one but it is a bit extreme to go the PI route. I understand also if she gets along better with people younger than her peers, I was that way when I was younger and my daughter who is 18 is also that way too. It is a hard place but your discussions with her sounds like you are alienating her. My daughter also talks to people on Skype. I have also discussed with her about legal age limits (she is an adult) and also people are not what they seem online. I hope she is listening but I am not harping on it either. She doesn't hide who she talks to online though so I think that is a good thing. The only person she talks to who is not local is someone in Washington State. I always joke with her that it is some middle aged fat guy but we do discuss in all seriousness that it could be a middle aged fat guy. I have also told her not to expect any money from me to get him to come here or her to go out there. Even though I haven't talked to him. I know if I asked I could talk to him.}

 

^{But OP, is your daughter in school full time or just part time? Does she work? It does seem she has a lot of time to invest in this online relationship. I know when I was 21, I was in school and had a preschooler to look after. I was also involved in talking to people online but it could not take up all of my time because I had other responsiblities. I think she needs to start to own her adulthood.}  

[Scarlett]

Yes, very big red flags. I'd try to do more investigating, even if I had to pay for it.

 

 

This.  I was sick to my stomach reading the story.  Please please gather irrefutable evidence...as much as you can....not just red flags or alarming things but hard and fast evidence.

 

Something is very very wrong here.

[zoobie]

That's very, very fishy. He hides his depression, anxiety, cutting, psychiatrist visits, and psychotropic medications from his mother yet deletes his Twitter account when she tells him? No. Not realistic. Even with great insurance, how would a 17-18 year old afford a psychiatrist and medications without his parents knowing? How would he get to/from the doctor and pharmacist? I find it hard to believe a 17-18 year old could manage arranging that kind of care for himself without having mental health issues. It's a PITA for me to arrange medical therapies for my kids! I can't imagine knowing how to navigate the system at 17-18. Someone that self-sufficient and that deceptive would not delete his Twitter account at his mom's request either. He may indeed be suffering from some mental health problems, but that's about the extent of what I believe.

 

I'd be very concerned he is not of age and his parents could think she's a predator. Or maybe he's older and phishing for a young, vulnerable girl. Something isn't right. Lots of somethings. :(

 

I doubt the email is from an adult female parent. Would you be all happy and friendly if you found out all of that and that your 17-18 year old is dating some 21 year old he met under those circumstances? I'd definitely not be sending chipper emails.

[JustEm]

It sounds like he is trying to get attention from people online by doing the things he's been doing. It sounds similar to what people with munchausens have been known to do online. They start blogs or twitter accounts to get attention and then they just feed off of the attention they get.  There are usually so many lies that they can't keep them straight so random things seem to not overlap.  Like his mom being all excited about the relationship and now she is making him close his twitter because she's upset about it. 

 

When things get boring for them they make up another lie to get people's attention. So he closes his Twitter account in hopes that people will worry about him and contact him to make sure all his well (feeding the attention he needs.)

 

Unfortunately,  your dd sounds very involved with him and you will really need to catch him in something big that he can't talk himself out of if you want her to notice all the red flags.  I would hire a private investigator if you can afford it.  

[Moxie]

I think your only option at this point is to call that number. The timing of the email is too coincidental. Call and take your next step from there.

[Supertechmom]

  You can google the phone number and it can pull up some info sometimes. IF you can get an address, you can search property tax records and find the owner and contact them and tell them the story.  

 

But otherwise, she's 21.  If she wants to meet him, she will.  She would just have to do it on her own dime as I would be too busy spending money on educating her and providing her with stuff to spend on a trip.

[lavender's green]

There are so many things going on here, and I'm not experienced enough to offer any advice.  I'd just want to know more about the Disney program.  Do they have mental health resources?  Do they keep a good eye on the kids (both for running off and for depression/suicidal thoughts)?  Maybe the program will be awesome for her and give her the break and fresh start and intensive work she needs to move on with life.  Or maybe it'll make her feel even more isolated and depressed, in which case I'd hope Disney has a really strong support system in place.

[Lisbeth]

Honestly, I would investigate this to the max. I would have an intense intervention with my daughter. I would do all legal and necessary thing I could to scare this person off. I would impress upon this person that he...she...or they picked the WRONG girl and it would be in everyone's best interest for him, her, or them to go away.

[Eagle]

Call the number. Ask something his mom should know the answer to without hesitation.

 

If it really sounds like his mother, I would tell her about the photos and posts you saw about cutting and let her know he needs help. But I doubt the number really is for his Mom. This whole thing sounds way too sketchy.

[ThisIsTheDay]

I just want to add in that anyone can get a phone number through Google with just about any area code.  I could live in Texas but get a New York phone number, It would take me about a minute. You can use the google phone app to call or receive both calls and texts from that number.

 

This is just a general word of warning.  NEVER give credibility to someone you don't know just because of an area code.

[Joanne]

Coming back to add some words about online relationships. A session about it was part of when I ran treatment. Those clients were vulnerable to "new" relationships, and getting into one distracted them from the work and healing they needed to concentrate on.

 

Online relationships develop along a "false" and "accelerated" timeline. Even assuming everyone IS who they say they are, online relationships move quickly to a feeling of intimacy that is not supported by actual interaction and time. Many people who have online relationships are absolutely convinced of their authenticy - to the point of saying "I love you" and making committments, marriage and cohabitation plans without ever having been in each other's actual company.

 

I'm not against online dating and relationships - but it helps to 1) be in a place where a relationship makes sense psychologically and 2) be aware of the superficiality of online created feelings and intensity.

 

That said, the woman in the OP is a grown woman. Granted, she is not acting her age. She IS at risk. She IS vulnerable. But much of the advice in this thread is more appropriate for a teen. That is why I suggested pulling back on funds that finance these poor choices. If she wants to "go there" after appropriate discussions and talking, she needs to back up those autonomous decisions with funding it herself.