Just Kate Posted August 2, 2013 Share Posted August 2, 2013 One if my very best friends was just diagnosed with stage 4 adrenal cancer. Sadly, the cancer has spread to her lungs, lymph nodes, skull, pelvis, and some other bones. She is only 36 years old and has a 9 year old daughter. Df and I used to live in the same town, but a few years ago I moved three hours away. We talk/text almost daily. My heart is breaking right now. I have no idea what to do or say. Please tell me what to do. How can I help my friend? I want to offer practical support and emotional support. I am just so sad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted August 2, 2013 Share Posted August 2, 2013 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: I'm so sorry. Just keep being her friend. Laugh with her and cry with her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chelle in MO Posted August 2, 2013 Share Posted August 2, 2013 Oh, no, Kate! I am so sorry. That is just tragic. I don't know what to tell you to do except to be available to listen. It has to be hard for her to process. I think if it were me, I'd want my df to just let me talk out my feelings. Hopefully in the coming days, she can let you know what she needs or you can get an idea just by listening to her. I can't give you enough hugs. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kim in Appalachia Posted August 2, 2013 Share Posted August 2, 2013 :grouphug: Keep being her friend. I'm so sorry. That really s*cks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Forget-Me-Not Posted August 2, 2013 Share Posted August 2, 2013 I'm so very sorry :( just be there for her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted August 2, 2013 Share Posted August 2, 2013 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Just be honest with her. Tell her you want to give her practical and emotional support, and it is up to her to decide what that encompasses because you are unsure. Each person is so different that support means something different to them, especially during such a traumatic time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted August 2, 2013 Share Posted August 2, 2013 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: I'm so sorry. Just keep being her friend. Laugh with her and cry with her. This. I'm so sorry. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dana Posted August 2, 2013 Share Posted August 2, 2013 I'm sorry. Listen to what she wants. Offer to be an ear. If you're in the same town, babysit if needed for appointments, offer to bring food or be a companion. Give her space if that's what she needs to cope. Cancer really really sucks. Give yourself time and space to be angry and grieve as well. It's terribly unfair even if she's able to go to remission...and it's okay for you to be sad and angry and scared as well. (Hugs) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Truscifi Posted August 2, 2013 Share Posted August 2, 2013 No advice, just :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: . Cancer sucks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twigs Posted August 2, 2013 Share Posted August 2, 2013 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elfknitter.# Posted August 2, 2013 Share Posted August 2, 2013 Nothing else to add to what's been already mentioned. Just many more :grouphug: 's. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Just Kate Posted August 2, 2013 Author Share Posted August 2, 2013 Cancer does suck. I am just so mad right now. I'm also in disbelief. I am hoping that I can figure out what to do for her as we go along. Since I live three hours away, I can't offer to babysit or deliver meals. But I hope to send regular packages (restaurant gift cards maybe?). If you have any ideas of items I might send her, I'd appreciate it. I'm probably the least creative person in the world. I will try to visit regularly. I guess I will work with her to see how she feels about that. I do have family in the area, so I can visit with her easily without having to barge in and stay. I wish I knew what to day to her. We have only texted (she just found out two days ago), so I have been even more careful with my words. They seem so empty though. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted August 2, 2013 Share Posted August 2, 2013 What are you able to do? Since the family just found out they may not know or think they need some things right now. Can you offer to relieve a caregiver one day a week, every other week or weekend? As this progresses can you coordinate meal delivery to the family through an online program like sign up genius. Sign up genius can also be used to set up care giver relief or short visiting times. Do they need someone to take care of updating everyone? Her dh can give current news then you can take of emails and phone calls to a list of people they give you. It can be exhausting for the family to constantly have tell people what's happening now, whether visiting is possible, etc. Can you make several different freezer meals with very simple directions and deliver them to her home from her family and caregivers. Is the daughter still participating in activities, but it's difficult for a parent to drive her--could you coordinate a list online for local friends/family to get her daughter to soccer and piano (a woman I know going through breast cancer recurrence told me it was really important to her tat the cancer not disrupt her sons' regular kid stuff activity--she's hoping it helps feel some normalcy. I don't know how much going to their activities helps the dc, but it seems to help the mom to know her kids got to go.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted August 2, 2013 Share Posted August 2, 2013 This is what I'd consider doing if it were my best friend. I'd put homeschooling on mini-hold and take one day a week and go be with her. Even if it were for lunch or something. I know 3 hours one way is a lot, but it's not like you have all the time in the world to catch up and enjoy each other's company. You can make that day for her to be a service to her. Does she need a ride to the doctors? Does she need a babysitter? How about girls day out to get a pedicure or massage? Just take her shopping (Christmas will be here soon). Do something that she wants/needs to do on that day. I'd call her on the phone almost everyday while she's able to talk. I think I'd tell her how sad I was at first... but then I'd try to make some fun plans with her. But right now I would imagine the discussion will be all cancer all the time...that may change. She's probably very sad and mad right now too. I'm so sorry this is happening to you and to your friend. What a devastating diagnosis. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lizzie in Ma Posted August 2, 2013 Share Posted August 2, 2013 I am so, so sorry. For my sister in law, she needed me to be the one person she could vent her anger and frustration to because she always tried to stay cheerful for her parents, husband and my dh, her brother. She told me time and time again how grateful she was that she could share her real feelings with me. Laugh, cry, send little things no one else thinks of that she likes or needs. Just be there. :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dana Posted August 2, 2013 Share Posted August 2, 2013 Article that has good advice.... http://articles.latimes.com/2013/apr/07/opinion/la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted August 2, 2013 Share Posted August 2, 2013 I'm so sorry. :grouphug: This might seem personal, so hopefully it's okay if I share this... Talk to her. Call her. Text. Email. Don't disappear. When I lost my best friend years ago, the disappearances were the most painful to her. The people who just didn't know what to say, or thought they'd be disturbing her, just disappeared. She missed them. She felt their loss. So if I could say one thing only... It would be, "Don't disappear." I love the idea of taking one day a week to be with her. For my friend, I was one of the primary caregivers, but we did have a standing weekly date. I'd take her to an appt every Friday, and it would give her a bit of a boost, so we'd go out to lunch. I didn't even realize it was a standing date until she made a point of letting me know she'd declined other invites on that date because it was "our" time. It was very meaningful for her, and for me. If you can't do it weekly, maybe you can do it biweekly. Oh, goodness, there's a lot more I could write here, but it might be too much here. Pm if you'd like to talk more, okay? Take deep breaths, and hug your kiddos tight. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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