How does the family you grew up in handle shocking family news? (Good or bad.)

[Maus]

Oh, it did work!  My first poll!

 

DH and I are trying to get a feel for what is "normal."  We have been surprised at how differently our two families react to similar situations.  Here are two parallel situations, one from my family and one from DH.  (We aren't fighting with each other about what's normal, so you aren't taking sides in an argument.  Just one of those things where we both took our families reactions for granted.)

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Each of our mothers announced a recently that she was getting married again.  Both announcements caught our extended families by surprise.  

 

Within hours after my mother made her announcement, I got phone calls from first one brother and then the other.  We talked it out.  We concluded we were happy for her, but had some concerns because we'd never met the guy.  We all felt more at ease after.

 

When DH's mother made her announcement, we heard nothing from his sibs, to the point that we wondered for a while if she had only told us.  They never have said anything, but she later said she told everyone within a few hours.  I find this particularly odd because she is marrying a foreign national and will be moving to his country.  She's lived in the same house since DH was an infant, and her house is the center of all family gatherings.  DH and I talked it over so he could sort out his feelings.  We have no idea what his siblings did.  One is married; one is engaged; and one is recently divorced.

[MyThreeSons]

I had to vote other. I think that with my siblings, in the situation you described, we would each first talk to our spouses, and then to each other.

 

About 25 years ago, before we had internet or cell phones, my Mom called each of us one day to tell us that our Dad had been diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease. That evening, my brother and I literally ran into each other in the library as we each began researching PD. We ended up joining forces in our research that evening and discussed it together, and then we each talked to our sister later (she lived in another part of the state).

[ErinE]

I chose other because for me, it's a multi-step process. First my SO, then my siblings, then the person involved. It helps me calm down (if i'm upset), clarify my thoughts, and consider multiple views before finalizing what I want to say and how I feel.

 

I'd be shocked if my mother was remarrying without having met the SO, but I wouldn't consider it my business to be anything other than congratulatory to her in person.

[Maus]

Hmm, I meant for the poll to be multiple choice.  I think I fixed that...

 

DH and I see a common pattern to all the shocking news processed by our families, even the bad stuff.  I picked the marriages to illustrate just because they are so parallel.

 

Another thing DH and I have found interesting is each family's reactions to the other family's reactions.  DH's family considers what my family does to be gossiping.  My family considers what his family does to be failing to be there emotionally for each other.  Such different perspectives!

 

 

I'd be shocked if my mother was remarrying without having met the SO, but I wouldn't consider it my business to be anything other than congratulatory to her in person.

Yeah, my brothers and I were like this.  We did feel the need to process, but when we spoke to her, we only said how happy we were that she'd finally found someone and stuff like that.

 

 

[Guest inoubliable]

I said "other". 

DH and I are both estranged from our families and we wouldn't be told or care if we were. I can tell you what our siblings' reactions would be and it would depress anyone reading. Let's just say the behavior that I know each side would exhibit is a big reason why DH and I are estranged from them. 

 

If we had "normal" families, I think I'd fall into the "she's an adult and can do what she wants" camp.

[Julie Smith]

In my family we will likely talk to each other. 

 

In my husband's family no one would talk to anyone. When asked they would say, "Well it's none of my business" ???? No one really talks to anyone. 

[BarbecueMom]

A similar scenario happened on DH's side of the family. He didn't call or talk to siblings. We're not estranged by any means, but he just doesn't realize most of the time he has family outside of this household. I'm still trying to convince him that yes, his grandparents do need to be told when we generate new offspring.

[Mom2Es]

I'd probably like talking out my feelings, but my family is a bunch of ostriches about most things and I've learned to comply.

[Robin M]

My side of the family talks to each other to sort things out and my hubby's side of the family just waits until the event is over, then announces it and doesn't care what anyone thinks nor do they really discuss it amongst themselves.

[MinivanMom]

I would talk to my husband, then my siblings, and then to the person involved.  I think it's a process when you get shocking news.  Talking it through with others who are affected helps me to work through my own feelings about it, so that I can then be completely supportive of the person involved (regardless of how I felt initially).  I would follow the same process with an actual tragedy.  I would talk to my husband first (to get emotional support for myself), then my siblings (if they were affected), and then I would talk to the person most closely affected (once I felt ready to fully support them without ever making it about myself and my feelings).  Of course you don't want to wait to long to offer support, so this is often a frantic series of phone calls to one another while driving in for the funeral.

 

In my husband's family they don't talk to each other.  Ever.  We are often not even informed of big news.  My husband does the same thing to them.  It drives me a little crazy, but it's his family so I defer to him in how we deal with them. 

[Julie Smith]

My Dad's Dad got married when I was about 13. We were driving down the the USA to visit him. I think it was a bout a 20 hour long drive, so a 2 day trip.

 

Well when he got to his place this woman was there. He forgot to mention he was living with a woman. ... Then years later he married her and didn't mention it because it never came up in conversation. That would NEVER happen in my Mother's side of the family. Heck, I get a phone call letting me know when my second cousin once removed is pregnant.

[Rebel]

I voted "other," because we do three of the choices.  Everyone first talks to their SO, then we all call each other to rehash everything, then we talk to the person in question who had the shocking news.

[NoseInABook]

I talk to DH first but no doubt I'm going to call my brother to talk about it too. 

[myfunnybunch]

We do all of those things. We usually talk to each other, to the person involved, to our spouses. I might run it by my longtime friends, who've known my family for years. But while we don't put it out of our minds, we also consider the person involved an adult and try not to be intrusive or gossipy.

 

In that situation, everyone in my family would call me and ask me what I know about mom getting remarried, because I am the one most likely to ask questions or the nosy one (depending on who you talk to). LOL But eventually everyone would have talked to everyone else, partly because eventually I get exasperated and say something like, "I don't know! Why don't you call and ask?"

 

Cat

[Tap]

My family wouldn't bother calling me.  They would talk to each other, but I am kind of a black sheep on both sides so I don't usually get told the current info unless my mother calls me.  (My mom had kids with her first husband, my dad had kids with his first wife that I have only met a couple of times, and I am the only one between the two of them.)  I have 8 half siblings, but am 6 years younger than the youngest, so I don't really have a connection to any of them. Including my grandmother's funeral, I haven't spent a total  of 4 hours visiting with anyone in my family in 5+ years. 

 

In fact, my 6yo dd is my great-niece.  I didn't even know her mom was pregnant until the baby was already over a week old.  We lived 30 minutes apart, so it isn't like we on other sides of the world from each other.  LOL 

 

 

 

DHs family would possibly call him.  He got a call when his brother's house burned down, but not when family was having major surgery, so it is a bit hit and miss. 

[kewb]

My family is all of the above.  It depends on the shocking news.  In the situation you described I would assume my mother is an adult and move on.  If I had some concern about the guy I would talk to my sister about it. If I felt put out for some reason I might discuss it with dh. If I met the guy and thought he was no good I may say something to my mother but maybe not. DH and I have been married for 20 years and I can still hear my mother voicing her concerns the night before the wedding.  We were engaged for a year and a half.  She had plenty of time to voice concerns.  She picked the night before we were getting married.

[wintermom]

Well, what did YOU do? You've only described what your siblings did (unless I misunderstood). You either received a phone call or you didn't. It looks like you're in the "not calling a sibling" category.

 

I guess it depends on the relationship you and your spouse have with your siblings and your in-laws. I would talk with my siblings on the phone or by e-mail, and I don't really know who would make the first contact, though it would probably be me.

 

For my dh's siblings, I would be very surprised if any of them contacted me personally, or even dh, as it just isn't in their nature to want to "talk things over" with either of us. They are much closer with other siblings within the family (there are 6 - 4 girls and 2 boys).

[ktgrok]

Hmm, I meant for the poll to be multiple choice.  I think I fixed that...

 

DH and I see a common pattern to all the shocking news processed by our families, even the bad stuff.  I picked the marriages to illustrate just because they are so parallel.

 

Another thing DH and I have found interesting is each family's reactions to the other family's reactions.  DH's family considers what my family does to be gossiping.  My family considers what his family does to be failing to be there emotionally for each other.  Such different perspectives!

 

 

Yeah, my brothers and I were like this.  We did feel the need to process, but when we spoke to her, we only said how happy we were that she'd finally found someone and stuff like that.

Lol...my sister would call me, and want to discuss, and would consider it being there emotionally for each other. I'd rather just discuss with my DH, and would consider it more gossipy. So even in the same family there are different methods!

[SproutMamaK]

I would talk about it with my husband first. THEN once I had a little peace about it, I would chat with my siblings. I would definitely chat with my siblings about it, but probably not right away. When I say "not right away" I mean not that day, but probably shortly thereafter. We wouldn't be waiting weeks to chat or anything like that.

[Cinder]

Mom's an adult--I wouldn't think on it too much. I would tell dh but I'm not sure there would be anything for me to sort out. But that's probably just me. Mom has remarried. And she called to tell me that after the fact. I did know she was in a serious relationship beforehand. My sister probably knew about the marriage before. She and mom talk nearly every day; they live near each other and see each other often while I live very far from them. Anyway I didn't ask sis about it; didn't think it was a big deal.

 

That's probably just me, though. A friend's mother recently remarried and friend was very bothered by it. She talked to her dh and brother about it a lot. And to her sil and me too. Perhaps our cases are ust different as her father died a few years ago and my parents divorced when I was young. Also her family is very close knit--geographically and emotionally. My family is not close knit--geographically and emotionally.

[Maus]

Well, what did YOU do? You've only described what your siblings did (unless I misunderstood). You either received a phone call or you didn't. It looks like you're in the "not calling a sibling" category.

 

I guess it depends on the relationship you and your spouse have with your siblings and your in-laws. I would talk with my siblings on the phone or by e-mail, and I don't really know who would make the first contact, though it would probably be me.

 

For my dh's siblings, I would be very surprised if any of them contacted me personally, or even dh, as it just isn't in their nature to want to "talk things over" with either of us. They are much closer with other siblings within the family (there are 6 - 4 girls and 2 boys).

[Maus]

Oh, good point! That's our usual order: youngest brother calls me, then calls the other brother, then the other brother calls me... I have initiated the first phone call a few times, like when my dad had a stroke, but I was the one who had the most information and I started the call to provide an update on the situation...

[Parrothead]

My sib and I only speak briefly at Christmas to make sure we have the correct email so we can pass the amazon gift card back and forth.

 

If something shocking happens and I can avoid telling my parents I do.

 

If my parents have something shocking they will call. If I have feelings to sort out I talk to dh.

[LeslieAnneLevine]

I don't like the sound of either situation in the OP. I would talk to my own mom about it, but I'm not sure how much I would say much to an in-law.  I would unsettled by that news though. Has she spent much time in her fiance's country? 

 

eta: and to answer the question more fully, I would also talk to both my siblings about it.

[Joyofsixreboot]

My family is like your dh's. No one comments or offers an opinion. Dh's family is like yours EXCEPT for dh. He is like my family so has been happy and avoids his sister's phone calls.

[maize]

I have a lot of siblings. I would talk to one or two that I call on a regular basis anyway. I'm a talker but not all of my siblings are. My husband's family talk less in general, but if there were an illness or other matter where support seemed needed someone would step up to coordinate.