I'm so annoyed - party planning and in a bad mood

[Rivka]

Whoa.

 

Just. Say. No.

[Pippen]

I suggested that she teach my daughters how to host a party, such as sending out invitations, maintaining an RSVP list, planning food and making decorations. She loved the idea and I agreed to a bigger list. Then my sister called and asked me if I was aware that mother was complaining to everyone in our family that she was having to plan her own retirement party. So, I told mother not to worry about planning it, but I truly haven't the time (and honestly money, my husband has been out of work since January and we live on our savings). I won't bore you with my list of things I'm doing, but I'm stressed emotionally, physically and mentally. I feel like people use me and have no respect for my time. (Yes, I'm on medication for anxiety, but lately it's not helping). Planning a party is almost impossible for me to imagine (not because I don't know how, but because I am so stretched at the moment).

 

 

 

Your mother has manipulated you into having a party in the first place, and continues to do so in the planning. I am sure the thought of setting boundaries with her is stressful, but it will be healthier in the long run for you, your family, and your relationship with your mom. If you don't set firm boundaries with this party, it will no doubt continue to grow right up to the date of the event. I also wouldn't be surprised if mom doesn't continue to push boundaries, maybe even escalate in others areas now that she has plenty of time on her hands.

 

Think through what you are reasonably able to manage financially, physically, and emotionally without counting on any help from other family members. If that's the $200 cookout you currently have planned, work within those parameters. If that's the smaller get together you originally had planned, or no party at all, back down or back out.

 

Personally, I would turn the whole event back into Mom's court. If she's complaining to everyone in the family that she has to plan her own party, I'd turn the whole works--including planning and paying--over to her. She's going to complain anyway, and this way her complaints will be fully legitimate.

 

If you still feel like you need to host the party, I suggest taking back ALL of the planning. As it currently stands, you are in an especially bad position because you've agreed to host the event, but have gradually relinquished control to your mom. If your name is going down as the party hostess, you take back all control of the event and make plans you can live with.

 

If I were dealing with a $200 budget and were feeding more than just immediate family, I agree with the previous posters who suggested a morning or afternoon event. You will be much more likely to come in at budget if you don't provide a full meal.

 

Good luck in dealing with this. It's hard to set boundaries, but in the case of this party I think you really must set boundaries you can live with. You'll respect yourself for it, and send your mom the message that you aren't open to her manipulation any longer.

[KungFuPanda]

First off, I think your brother has the right idea. He's hiding from his nutty mom and his nutty sisters who jump through hoops to give nutty mom what she wants.

 

Secondly, sometimes all of the good and right things to do in a situation don't translate to real life family dynamics. If your girls WANT to do this, I'd give them a $50 budget for cake, paper plates, and punch and host a potluck. Your mom's not a bride, so I see no reason why SHE can't call everyone to invite them to a potluck dinner. If she doesn't want to help, or if its not good enough, SHE can decide to cancel it.

 

Try saying "Mom, I love you, but I only have the energy and resources to do x, y, and z and nothing more. Take it or leave it. Let me know by tomorrow. Honestly, SHE'S the retiree with time on her hands, not you.

[fairfarmhand]

just gobsmacked....

 

 

:svengo:

 

wow.

 

 

Bake some cookies, mix up some lemonade and have a morning open house.

 

At this point I'd bet her friends and neighbors are all finding the parties redundant and ridiculous. I mean, how big is her circle of friends that these parties are not beginning to overlap?

 

Has your mother always been this way?

[Dandelion]

I'm in the "just cancel" camp. Mom has already had three parties. Assuming that many of the people that would be attending your party have possibly already attended one or more of the other three, I'd be embarrassed to throw her a fourth one. It's just overkill.

 

"Mom, we've talked it over and decided we can't host your party after all. Congrats on your retirement!"

[Ellie]

First off, I think your brother has the right idea. He's hiding from his nutty mom and his nutty sisters who jump through hoops to give nutty mom what she wants.

 

You make a good point.

[Slipper]

Yeah, I'm starting to think my brother had the right idea after all! lol I can't hide very well from my mom as she lives next door to me.

 

She's always been a 'me' person. At the same time, she's very concerned about what other people think of her. She doesn't think that other people are tired of her retirement parties. She's thinking that everyone will see how much her kids love her to throw her a party.

 

She knows that I haven't the time. At first, when she kept insisting that I NOT throw the party because I didn't have time, I gratefully agreed. But then, she mentioned that perhaps I should just postpone it or hold it at another time. Then she would again tell me that I don't have time and I would agree and she would start flipping through the calendar for a better time.

 

To be clear, I NEVER wanted to throw her a party, it caught me off guard. My brother was against it as well. My sister loved the idea and supported mom in trying to find a time. (Of course, she lives four hours away, so she can't really help much).

 

What I finally decided to do (and thank you all for your advice), is to move it indoors at my mother's house. She has volunteered repeatedly to have her house used and since she lives next door, I'm going to take her up on that offer. If she doesn't like it, then the party is cancelled. That way, she is in charge of cleaning it. If she wants help, my sister will be in town the day before and she can help. We'll have streamers and a banner for decorations. I can twist those up and make the banner in advance. My sister will be in charge of putting those up as well. Since we're moving it indoors, I'm going to use the excellent suggestion of 'Welcome to the Sweet Years' as a theme and make it a dessert bar from 1 - 3 in the afternoon. I'll purchase sodas and bake a cake. (That makes my financial obligation to be streamers, sodas, cake). I'll tell my sister to spend her $100 on desserts and we'll ask guests to bring desserts. My brother emailed this morning to say he would be there and could do something small, so I'll put him in charge of drinks and clean up afterwards. We'll do email invites.

 

I already know she won't like it, but I'll have fulfilled my part in organizing it. I'm not going to throw a huge lavish party.

[elegantlion]

What a wonderful compromise.

[Seasider]

Wait, SHE LIVES NEXT DOOR?

 

Is her name Marie?

 

JK. Of course it should be at her house. If she displays ANY kind of disappointment, your turn to say, fine, I'm done, you are are on your own. Have fun.

[catz]

Kudos for you for finding a simpler compromise and at least getting it out of your space.

 

Mom sounds a bit narcissistic. Never heard of anyone needing 4 retirement parties! Seriously - time to move on.

[bobbeym]

Slipper, I think it's a wonderful compromise to have a dessert party at HER house. If she complains, then gracefully bow out of the whole thing and let her do whatever she wants on her own dime.

[Harriet Vane]

You have come up with a great plan. Hold firm. Any time you feel your resolve slipping over the next month, just come back here.

[Chris in VA]

Excellent way to handle it. I'm oddly proud of you. Lol!

[Hen]

Slipper,

 

brilliant move, you've taken stress and financial burden (that you really shouldn't take on) off of your shoulders and yet managed to make your mom feel like she's being toasted - good job!

 

We did a dessert bar for dd's graduation because we are just broke this Summer - and it turned out really lovely, the focus was on everyone visiting, which was really nice. we bought a costco cake, and then I made spice cupcakes in fancy liners, pumpkin chocolate chip expresso muffins (huge recipe so there were a ton of muffins) blossom kiss cookies, dh made a dozen very easy chocolate mousse in glass cups we have, and then my sister brought a pie. We made a huge thing of coffee, had hot tea available and water and soda. It was perfect and really low stress. I think I will be doing the same for all my kids' graduations now.

 

good luck with the party!

[WagsWife]

Everyone I know who has retired has thrown themselves a big retirement party. They invited all of their friends and family members. Some of them were big to-dos with bands and everything. I've literally never heard of anyone throwing a retirement party for their parent. The whole thing is bizarre.

 

eta: I agree with evite, potluck and spending practically no money on it.

 

 

I was thinking the same thing...when my DH retired from the AF we paid/planned everything. I guess retirements are done differently in the civilian sector?

 

Bottom line, I would either cancel (if you think you can get away without too much long term drama) or do it as simply as possible. I would probably change the time of the event to something where you would not need to provide anything but cake/punch. If you are set on the garden party, I would do cucumber sandwiches (get bread from dollar store), with butter not cream cheese. You could also buy some in season fruit to set out, and cookies (making ahead of time and freezing is a great idea...you can also ask your sister to do this part!!!)

 

For decorations, I like the idea of the pictures as center pieces, and possibly a banner. If you want to spruce the table up, get a plastic table cloth from the Dollar Store, find a roll of gift wrapping paper that you like, and matches your color/theme, cut the roll right in half (without unrolling) and use one half for a table runner.

[Truscifi]

That sounds like a reasonable compromise, though personally I'd have cancelled the whole thing.