How would you deal with this? family members allowing my kids to watch inappropriate shows

[mothergooseof4]

This is a touchy subject. Late dh and I were aware that his parents allowed viewing of shows that were against our preferences. In the years since his death, I have allowed my dc to visit his parents very frequently. They are loving people, wonderful to me and my new dh, very involved in my dc's lives, and Christians. They do not have filters when it comes to media, though.

 

Until now, I have turned my head to it because MIL is VERY stubborn, confrontational, and opinionated. She is NEVER wrong in her eyes. She thinks late dh and I have shielded the kids from things that she feels are just normal. I strongly disagree. My dc watch a lot of popular movies and read popular books.

 

Today, my 8yo dd told me that she, along with my 10yo and 13yo, watched several episodes of The Big Bang Theory while visiting late dh's parents yesterday. The kids know that I do not approve because while I have never watched the show, I have seen the commercials and commented on how inappropriate it seems. So, we had a discussion about how what we read, view, and listen shapes our hearts and minds....trash in, trash out. We also discussed how we have allowed tougher viewing material as the kids have matured, but that some things are simply not worth allowing in our lives. And, that often those we care about are not going to have the same values as we do. That doesn't mean that we don't love them. My 13yo is very angry with dd for "tattling." He doesn't seem at all concerned about what he allows in any form of media. He is just mad that he got caught and seems to think that if his grandparents are okay with it then I am just being too strict and old fashioned. I don't really know how to address this heart issue.

 

For now, I am thinking about what to do concerning late dh's parents. I love them and do not want to have bad blood between us. I know how MIL is about her views. If I address this with her, she will get angry. Do I just leave it alone for now and hope the kids will make better choices in the future? Or, do I call her and tell her that I am not pleased with what they were allowed to watch and expect her to respect my wishes?

[Mandylubug]

IMO, it could be the kids asked to watch and she said sure not thinking they would push their boundaries. I would probably make a generic comment to the kids while dropping them off that you better not hear that they watched something that they knew was inappropriate. My 7 year old girls know what they are allowed to watch and so do my older boys. They don't have to have a grandparent monitor them.

 

Afterwards, if they do watch something you typically don't allow I would discuss it with the kids. Did they know better? Was someone else already watching it? Did they choose that show or was it a suggestion by someone other than themselves? I wouldn't make a big deal with the in laws unless it was something serious like porn or violently too graphic, etc. and it was a blatant abuse of your wishes.

[TeenagerMom]

First off, before you say something, I would watch the show. Yes, there are some episodes where s*x comes up. We watch the show avidly. It's one of our favorite shows to watch as a family (10 y/o DS and 12 y/o DD). We typically don't allow our children to watch movies that are PG13 without previously viewing them. The s*x stuff goes right over DS's head. DD "gets" it but I'm really not concerned as she encounters that stuff in everyday life anyway.

 

I second what a PP said about your DC know better and can police themselves. SpongeBob & Bratz has been banned from our house for years and the kids will tell their grandparents they can't watch those shows.

[Orthodox6]

First off, I know nothing about the television program referenced.

 

We have similar problem with dd going to visit her cousin. The parents' worldview does not match ours. Cousin watches programs and listens to music that we do not countenance. DD does not take trips to visit them without our home rules being made clear and being honored by the host family. There is plenty for the girls to do otherwise.

 

I'm sorry you have this struggle with people whom you care very much for.

[Dandelion]

I agree that this is one of those "pick your battles" situations.

 

It sounds like you can't really count on your kids to self-monitor and enforce your TV restrictions at Grandma and Grandpa's house.

 

It also appears that getting Grandma and Grandpa on board will be tough too.

 

So it really boils down to this: you can accept that your kids might be exposed to some TV shows that you don't approve of, or you can limit their time with Grandma and Grandpa and/or be present at all times when your kids are visiting them.

[SarahW]

Isn't the Big Bang Theory rated TV14?

 

That may offer some neutral ground for you to make your case. Just say that you don't want your kids to watch shows that an independent group says is too old for them. After your kids are 14 they should be able to handle just tuning out if they turn that on, or finding their own activity.

[NotSoObvious]

My husband and I love that show, but we don't let our kids watch it (and they are 10).

 

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I have two thoughts:

 

-I wouldn't make it my children's responsibility to make good decisions while they are at a grandparent's house. BTDT. It just doesn't work with stubborn grandparents.

 

-I wouldn't make it into a huge deal. It just might affect how much interaction you have with them in the future.

 

We deal with similar issues and I've realized that trying to argue, reason, or regulate a grandparent like that rarely works. It's best to just love them for who they are and make decisions about how often to visit according to how much influence you want them to have.

[SarahW]

Maybe some episodes are PG and some 14?

 

netflix puts some under 14, yeah, http://movies.netflix.com/WiMovie/The_Big_Bang_Theory/70143830?locale=en-US

 

ugh, nm, it's not like most people look at those little boxes for the few seconds they are there anyways....

[nmoira]

My 11yo watches it with her dad. *He's* occasionally uncomfortable, but she just laughs at him.

[justasque]

Today, my 8yo dd told me that she, along with my 10yo and 13yo, watched several episodes of The Big Bang Theory while visiting late dh's parents yesterday.

 

What is appropriate for a 13 year old is not always appropriate for an 8 year old.

I think PP's have given good advice - send them with a movie or two, ask the grandparents not to let them watch anything with a certain rating or above (using the 8 year old as your reference) (knowing this might not work), look at what's on TV that evening and see if there is something appropriate for everyone *and* of potential interest to the grandparents.

 

Honestly, usually the choices boil down to home dec shows, cooking shows, and the Disney channel (which, among other issues, will drive the grandparents bonkers).

 

Another option is to send them with a game or craft to do with the grandparents, or books to read together. However, the grands probably want to zone in the evening, and TV is part of that for many people. Consider timing your visit to avoid the evening hours?

[Luanne]

Internet Movie Database has it rated TV14.

[Mommyof4ks]

My kids are to leave the room when things come on tv that they are not supposed to watch no matter where they are, and so far this has worked. Thankfully my dd 13 is not embarrassed to walk out even when friends and family are watching things she is not supposed to watch. My kids are the same ages of your kids, and it took many years to get to this point. If your kids will not walk out of the room or advocate for themselves, then maybe ask grandparents not to watch tv while the kids are there. That is a hard spot to be in, because obviously your kids need you to tred lightly to keep the relationship strong with their grandparents.

[acsnmama]

I guess I'm old fashioned too. DH and I watch the show sometimes, but there are parts that make me uncomfortable, and I'm no prude! However, I've also been changed by the Holy Spirit who has convicted me of such things, as what we view on TV.

 

Please don't allow anything to deter you from wanting to approach this matter with your in-laws. You obviously feel very strongly about it, and it's worse to ignore that, than to continue on by sticking your head in the sand. I'm sorry they are allowing your children to watch things that you would not approve of. I personally don't feel Big Bang Theory is appropriate at all for younger viewers, many of the shows have references to sex and whether a child understands what that is or not, if exposure to those sorts of things aren't allowed in your family, than that takes priority over anything else!

 

I would tell them up-front that the kids aren't allowed to watch such shows, especially considering you have young children. They should respect your wishes IMO. Sure, you cannot control every single environment they are in, but politely explaining that the show is not to be watched I don't believe is out of line. Providing something different, an alternative of some sort seems like a good idea!

[Parrothead]

Well, you pretty much know how this will end. MIL will be in a huff, you will be upset and the kids won't be allowed to visit for a period of time. How about just skip the huff and upset. Keep the kids home for a period of time.

 

There is only so much you can police when you are not present. If you don't want them watching shows, then they best stay with you where you can police their activity.

[Joker]

If you know the grandparents would react badly, then I would honestly do my best to ignore it. I would ask my dcs to not watch things they know they're not supposed to be seeing.

 

I wouldn't stop them from seeing the gps though because they need them more than ever since their dad is gone. They are a huge connection to him and I wouldn't want to mess it up. (and honestly there are much worse things they could be allowing)

[gardenmom5]

my mother did this. she really didn't see anything wrong - she didn't when I was growing up either. I shudder at some of the movies she took me to. one way to do this is from the side. they simply aren't there during evening hours when those things are on. during the day - kids are more likely to be outside, playing games, etc. than watching TV. or send some dvds of which you approve, that they may enjoy watching together. Or send games they can play together.

[misty.warden]

I have an unpopular opinion in this situation. Respect for my authority as the parent is a hill to die on for me, I know not everyone agrees. Any adult in charge of my child who deliberately goes against something I specifically told them was a family rule, whether it's TV viewing, restricted foods, or any other issue, would not be spending any time alone with my child for a good long time. Many grandparents will be indulgent to try to foster a close relationship with their grandchildren, but I do not believe the intention excuses the undermining of your role as the parent. Your house, your rules? We won't be coming to your house.

[ChristusG]

This would be a battle that I'd choose to fight. Media is VERY influential to kids. What goes in comes out. I'm very choosy about what my kids watch. I'd be having a chat with the kids grandparents.

[BakersDozen]

Please don't allow anything to deter you from wanting to approach this matter with your in-laws. You obviously feel very strongly about it, and it's worse to ignore that, than to continue on by sticking your head in the sand. I'm sorry they are allowing your children to watch things that you would not approve of. I personally don't feel Big Bang Theory is appropriate at all for younger viewers, many of the shows have references to sex and whether a child understands what that is or not, if exposure to those sorts of things aren't allowed in your family, than that takes priority over anything else!

 

Respect for my authority as the parent is a hill to die on for me, I know not everyone agrees. Any adult in charge of my child who deliberately goes against something I specifically told them was a family rule, whether it's TV viewing, restricted foods, or any other issue, would not be spending any time alone with my child for a good long time. Many grandparents will be indulgent to try to foster a close relationship with their grandchildren, but I do not believe the intention excuses the undermining of your role as the parent. Your house, your rules? We won't be coming to your house.

 

Yes and yes again. If they are allowing your young dc to watch this show then what next? You cannot undo what goes into your dc's mind. We had this battle (and yes, it was a battle) with the inlaws and it resulted in them not having our dc alone at all for a few years. Now my dc or even my mil call me before they watch anything. I stood my ground (respectfully), my mil stood hers...I won. Why? Because these are MY kids and it is MY decision what is/is not appropriate for them to watch, not my mil's. I don't bend on the issue of either parental authority or appropriateness of media.

[Pamela H in Texas]

All the children are old enough to turn away, grab a book, go out back, etc. My kids stood up to my mother when they were preschoolers. Even my adopted three (only here two years) will do it to a good extent.

 

Now, I would be careful about it. I got a handful of spankings ever and the most memorable was when I was four. I was stuck between obeying my grandmother who said she'd take care of my father and my father. Ummm...I *had* to disobey someone! If I can't figure out what I should have done 30some years later, I'm pretty sure it was unreasonable to expect me to figure it out at four.

 

But that is where I'd start. Also, each child can be responsible for himself. It may be that the 13yo has some minor exposure as a 13yo and watching with gma while the 8yo doesn't need to expose herself to such things. Just be balanced, I guess.

 

I haven't seen the show so I don't know whether or not you should put your foot down. I think a handful of mild trash or fluff is fairly harmless if done rarely enough. Obviously if it is more offensive than that or more often, that may have to be addressed.

[mothergooseof4]

Well, we had a discussion about making choices about what we allow in versus what comes back out. The problem with expecting the kids to "walk away" is that my almost 14yo thinks he knows more than his parents....go figure! He doesn't see why I feel the way I do about certain media when it is "normal" to everyone else. My 10yo will not stand up for himself with his grandparents. My 8yo is very opinionated and will say something and walk out. She did get up and walk away, then tattled on them.

 

I am still praying about this. My inlaws are very involved in my dc's lives, and I don't want to restrict them from visiting as frequently as they do because I feel like it helps them to know about their dad. They don't remember him themselves since they were so young when he passed. My kids spend the night with his parents a couple of times per month. Ending that would cause some major relationship issues. They are great people as well.

 

That said, they are very worldly. I see this show as promoting an un-biblical view of marriage. While I know my kids are aware that not all people live their lives in accordance to this view, I do not want it flaunted in their faces and glorified as fun and acceptable. My inlaws raised late dh the same way my parents raised me. They took him to church, claimed to believe what the Bible says, but then didn't expect him to live according to what it says because "that just isn't how the world is anymore." I wish my parents had held the bar higher. I wish they had held us to a standard of what is right and true. Instead we were told one thing at church, but expected to act another simply because it is what our culture accepts. It resulted in many bad choices that I wish I had never made. I want more for my kids.

 

That doesn't mean we are hermits or Bible thumping radicals. We watch TV and movies, listen to some popular music, etc. My kids know that most of the world doesn't live the way I want to strive for. I fail miserably. They are exposed, but there is a difference between being exposed and accepting. I have not watched the show because I can tell just from the commercials that it stands for things I feel are immoral. I have since read reviews of it, which confirm my opinion.

 

These shows were on their dvr system, so I will either have to trust my kids to make better decisions or confront my inlaws. I think MIL knew how I felt because dd told me about watching it right in front of her. Her response was, "It wasn't that bad."

 

In the past, late dh was the only person on the planet that could stand up to her without her becoming very obstinate. I think I will take the approach of having her "help" me with the issue for now. As in, I will tell her that I am concerned about what the kids are taking in and need her help monitoring it. If she doesn't get the picture after that, then I will just tell her that I expect my wishes to be respected or her unrestricted access to the kids is in jeopardy. That would hurt us all since I have never kept the kids from them. It will also hurt my relationship with my kids, so I will try to avoid this route. They have been told that if we can't trust them to make appropriate choices when outside our home, they will not be going anywhere without us.

[Shellydon]

I think the Big Bang theory is very inappropriate for children. Hugs.

[dirty ethel rackham]

I think the Big Bang theory is very inappropriate for children. Hugs.

 

OMG! I almost spit out my tea when I saw your name in conjunction with this thread! I had to double check to make sure you were a regular poster (and then I remembered you.) But that silliness aside, I agree. While I find that show hilarious, I do not agree with the sexual ethics it promotes. Dd12 has watched it with us, but I do censor some of the racier episodes.

[JumpyTheFrog]

Any chance they would follow a no TV of any type around your kids? Or only DVDs you send?

[bolt.]

I think I'd "confront" the issue with a nice veiling of you sounding like you are sure it was just a mistake of some kind -- no big deal to make a mistake, but reminding them that you expect them to keep an eye on TV choices because its very serious to you.

 

Don't discuss "why" or try to convince them to agree with your assessment. That's a total sidetrack that will turn this into a fight over values. Stick with what you both value: that children should honour their parents, that grandparents should encourage children in respect for their parents, and that honesty is the best policy. Say things like, "I know you and I feel differently about the influence of TV shows, and it's OK to disagree. I just need you to know that when we disagree, I expect you two to adopt my limits while you care for my children -- even if you think I am off base. It's OK for me to be off base, but I still get to make this sort of decision. Can I rely on you?"

[Shellydon]

OMG! I almost spit out my tea when I saw your name in conjunction with this thread! I had to double check to make sure you were a regular poster (and then I remembered you.) But that silliness aside, I agree. While I find that show hilarious, I do not agree with the sexual ethics it promotes. Dd12 has watched it with us, but I do censor some of the racier episodes.

 

 

 

Ha! I didn't think about that. I haven't watch the show in a long time because it comes on while our kids are awake and I don't think it is appropriate for them to watch. If it were on Netflix streaming, I'd watch it.