kewb Posted May 10, 2013 Share Posted May 10, 2013 I am navigating a new chapter in my sons life. The past 2 summers he had girlfriends. They met at the pool, they hung out together with friends and were really puppy love summer romances. This girl is different. He spends tons of time talking to her. He wants to spend time with her. My questions are-how much time is too much time together/talking? Is this something I need to set rules about? How will I know if I should worry about getting too serious? I am not ready for this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted May 10, 2013 Share Posted May 10, 2013 I would put some time limit on it if it gets out of hand but more importantly, I'd want to know what is being texted / emailed. Make sure you have access to his online accounts and cell phone if he has one. Invite her over to do things with your entire family. This is a good way to get to know her as well as monitor the nature of their relationship. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted May 10, 2013 Author Share Posted May 10, 2013 Thanks. Access to online/texting is taken care of. He has no idea he should shut his door when face timing so it is easy to hear what he is talking about. Inviting her to family things is a good idea. I did meet her when ds had friends over for his birthday and she seemed very nice. They were just friends then. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Michelle My Bell Posted May 10, 2013 Share Posted May 10, 2013 Be very careful. He is very young and you have to ask yourself where is this heading? What is its purpose? That will help you know what you should do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unicorn. Posted May 10, 2013 Share Posted May 10, 2013 The fact that he leaves his door open during face time is a good sign! I agree w/ pp who said to invite her over. Ds and his gf have been to the movies a few times, but most of their time together is either hanging out here, or at her house. Playing games, watching movies, studying.... They talk and txt every day/night, and usually try to get together for a few hours every weekend. They also have a group that tries to get together on Sat. nights to play games. Hosting a game night for him and a few friends every once in a while might be a good way let them spend time together, but under supervision and in a group setting. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted May 10, 2013 Author Share Posted May 10, 2013 Thanks for all the tips and advice. All these years we have taught the kids that the focus right now should be on their studies. Plenty of time for relationships later. Based on my own teen years I should have suspected that hormones and group dynamics would win out to some degree. I am not ready for this next chapter of transition to responsible member of society. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MercyA Posted May 10, 2013 Share Posted May 10, 2013 I'm not sure I understand the concern. I started dating my husband as a teenager, and we've been happily married for a *long* time now. We didn't have any trouble continuing to attend to our studies through the remainder of high school and college. I would set a curfew for phone calls and dates, and I wouldn't allow them to be alone together in your home or her home. I second all the recommendations for doing things together as a family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luanne Posted May 10, 2013 Share Posted May 10, 2013 I'm not sure I understand the concern. I started dating my husband as a teenager, and we've been happily married for a *long* time now. We didn't have any trouble continuing to attend to our studies through the remainder of high school and college. I would set a curfew for phone calls and dates, and I wouldn't allow them to be alone together in your home or her home. I second all the recommendations for doing things together as a family. You do realize that your situation is more the exception than the rule. Very few relationships that start at young ages work out long term. I'm glad to hear that yours has though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lynn Posted May 10, 2013 Share Posted May 10, 2013 Be very aware of social media. The pm's and texts my ds received from a girl he liked :ohmy: . I had to make some calls to girls mama about some of these texts, letters etc. I never would have thought of such things to write to a boy at that age. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lynn Posted May 10, 2013 Share Posted May 10, 2013 I'm not sure I understand the concern. I started dating my husband as a teenager, and we've been happily married for a *long* time now. We didn't have any trouble continuing to attend to our studies through the remainder of high school and college. I would set a curfew for phone calls and dates, and I wouldn't allow them to be alone together in your home or her home. I second all the recommendations for doing things together as a family. What dating rules did you parents have for you at that age? It's been a rough 3 years here. A lot of calls to her mom. The kids are still together after 3 years. We are kind of hoping that when my ds starts college this summer that the girl either grows up, matures and stops being so needy or ds find someone new. for the record, I have worked hard to be understanding and forgiving. I have reached out to this young lady and work on getting to know her and not hold the past actions against her. She just may end up being part of our family someday. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted May 10, 2013 Share Posted May 10, 2013 You do realize that your situation is more the exception than the rule. Very few relationships that start at young ages work out long term. I'm glad to hear that yours has though. Not everyone shares the belief that dating needs to be reserved for a mature pursuit for a spouse. I believe teens seek to date, interact, and explore affection due to nature and that following that course with the age appropriate involvement of parents is worthwhile. Dating because it's fun. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happypamama Posted May 10, 2013 Share Posted May 10, 2013 Is she the same year in school as he is, or will one of them graduate and go off to college before the other? I know from personal experience that that is very, very hard (although probably easier now with social media, email, cell phones, etc. than it was 20 years ago). It's not impossible, but it's hard. I wouldn't put a lot of pressure on them either way; it might become a long-term thing, and it might not. I wouldn't assume it will or that it won't. Most teen romances don't work out, but some do, and it's not fair to the teens for adults to tell them constantly that "it's not a big deal," "don't get serious," etc., because the reality is that it might last, and kids need parental support. But at the same time, no matter how much you might like the girl, it might not last, and that's okay too. I'd invite her over and include her in some family activities (my ILs treated me like a third kid from pretty much the time DH and I met when we were 16 and 14), but try not to get too attached to her. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mama2cntrykids Posted May 10, 2013 Share Posted May 10, 2013 What dating rules did you parents have for you at that age? It's been a rough 3 years here. A lot of calls to her mom. The kids are still together after 3 years. We are kind of hoping that when my ds starts college this summer that the girl either grows up, matures and stops being so needy or ds find someone new. for the record, I have worked hard to be understanding and forgiving. I have reached out to this young lady and work on getting to know her and not hold the past actions against her. She just may end up being part of our family someday. We are dealing with the same thing here, except step son is going into the military. His girl is way needy/clingy/immature 18 year old. We're hoping it chills when he leaves for training. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted May 10, 2013 Author Share Posted May 10, 2013 I'm not sure I understand the concern. I started dating my husband as a teenager, and we've been happily married for a *long* time now. We didn't have any trouble continuing to attend to our studies through the remainder of high school and college. I would set a curfew for phone calls and dates, and I wouldn't allow them to be alone together in your home or her home. I second all the recommendations for doing things together as a family. Not so much a concern as my own anxiety about this new chapter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisbeth Posted May 10, 2013 Share Posted May 10, 2013 We will allow group dating at 16, one on one dating later. This is a common for LDS parents. In my very unscientific sampling, among friends, the earlier the dating starts, the more, err, trouble the kids get in. I love also the Asian focus on Academics. Teen dating is messy and can a giant unnecessary distraction. I realize the Asian ideal I have is a stereotype but I see it among many of my Asian friends. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
briansmama Posted May 10, 2013 Share Posted May 10, 2013 Try to remember this is a GOOD and natural thing :) It's great he's motivated to get to know her and spend time with her. He's preparing for life by trying out relationships with girls. I agree with setting curfews and requiring adult supervision (to a point). I probably would not be monitoring his emails/texts though. Maybe just make more of a point to talk with him and let him know you're there for him (if you aren't already). I'd also try to bring up a discussion about desire vs responsibility and morality. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted May 10, 2013 Author Share Posted May 10, 2013 We will allow group dating at 16, one on one dating later. This is a common for LDS parents. In my very unscientific sampling, among friends, the earlier the dating starts, the more, err, trouble the kids get in. I love also the Asian focus on Academics. Teen dating is messy and can a giant unnecessary distraction. I realize the Asian ideal I have is a stereotype but I see it among many of my Asian friends. I agree that teen dating can just be a giant emotional mess. Which is why we allow group activities but not one on one outings. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BarbecueMom Posted May 10, 2013 Share Posted May 10, 2013 Teen dating can be distracting, but if you have an introverted, bright but not focused 14yo (*cough*DH*cough*) who starts dating a 16yo with plans and ambitions and budgets (*cough*me*cough*), it might kick their butt into gear to meet said girl's expectations. We're going on fourteen years together, eight of them married, and he'll gladly admit I was the best thing to happen to his education. :-) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MercyA Posted May 10, 2013 Share Posted May 10, 2013 What dating rules did you parents have for you at that age? Not enough, in my opinion. ;) I had a curfew. I was expected to let my parents know where I was at all times, but they didn't object to us being alone. We didn't live in the same town, so I generally just saw him on Fridays and Saturdays and talked on the phone with him several times a week. We were both committed to abstinence until marriage, so that area wasn't a problem for us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MercyA Posted May 10, 2013 Share Posted May 10, 2013 Not so much a concern as my own anxiety about this new chapter. Understood!! :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luanne Posted May 10, 2013 Share Posted May 10, 2013 Not everyone shares the belief that dating needs to be reserved for a mature pursuit for a spouse. I believe teens seek to date, interact, and explore affection due to nature and that following that course with the age appropriate involvement of parents is worthwhile. Dating because it's fun. :) And not everyone shares the opinion that CHILDREN should be allowed to start dating at the age of 11 and yet it happens. I'm sorry, but I don't agree with even a 15 year old dating. This is an age where he should just be friends with girls and worry about his school work and such. There will be plenty of time for dating when he is older and he will make better choices then as well. ... Just my opinion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happypamama Posted May 10, 2013 Share Posted May 10, 2013 The problem with a no-dating policy (which I support, in theory) is that sometimes you really just can't control things. Sure, you can tell the kids they can't go to the movies together or whatever, and that they should focus on their schoolwork and all, but sometimes things just happen. My parents are very conservative, no-early-dating people; I wasn't even allowed to think about attending boy-girl parties until I was 13, and one-on-one dating wasn't even supposed to happen until I was 16. Yeah, well, I started high school and met a boy at an afterschool club (a geeky club, at that!). We weren't looking for it to happen (he really didn't even talk to girls when we met, much less date any); it just did. And in some ways, it was a very good thing. It took any concerns about "OMG, I don't have a date for the dance, and all the other girls do" off of my plate. (It did throw my parents for a loop, because while I know they were glad to avoid the serial dating and breakup thing that many teens go through, a relationship that becomes very serious very quickly and that absolutely does have *marriage and forever* written all over it has its own set of complications.) Probably having him go off to college two years after we started dating was a good thing, for me, academically (although miserable, emotionally), because I kept myself busy with dual enrollment college classes and afterschool clubs (which netted me a college degree in three years instead of four and a hefty scholarship, all of which meant we were able to get married sooner, and with smaller student loans, I was able to stay home with our baby when she arrived a few years after that -- choices I made at 16 paid off big-time at 21 and 24 -- but it took focus and determination). I would say that the OP just needs to make sure her son (and his GF) are keeping their focus on the future and academics and goals and all of that, but other than that, there's only so much you can do. I have no set dating policy for my kids as of yet; we'll just take it as it comes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teachermom2834 Posted May 10, 2013 Share Posted May 10, 2013 I have no advice because I am just venturing into this with my 15 yo ds. While I do not think teen dating, especially that young, is ideal, I have come to the conclusion that I can't really control this. I can remain open and accepting and keep the communication open or I can shut it down and I won't know what is going on. It's tough. He's a good kid but I just think that even really good kids will go behind their parents backs when dating is involved. I have talked to moms that swear their girls never text boys because they are not allowed and then I watch those same girls text my ds. These are good girls with good parents. I guess I am just think many parents don't have the control they might think they do. I've had a mom tell me how "I kissed dating goodbye" changed her son's life and then watched that same boy chase girls and sneak off with them whenever he could. While I am not thrilled about my 15 yo dating I have decided that forbidding it is going to be counterproductive. Instead we are talking, talking, talking and I am watching and setting restrictions. By no means am I saying that all kids will go behind their parents' back. I don't believe that at all. I do think it can be harder to shut it down and just "forbid" it than some parents think. To me, it is not that cut and dry. Sorry...no advice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dahliarw Posted May 10, 2013 Share Posted May 10, 2013 I'm not sure I understand the concern. I started dating my husband as a teenager, and we've been happily married for a *long* time now. We didn't have any trouble continuing to attend to our studies through the remainder of high school and college. I would set a curfew for phone calls and dates, and I wouldn't allow them to be alone together in your home or her home. I second all the recommendations for doing things together as a family. I started "dating" my husband at 15. :) My sister started "dating" her husband at 16. It does happen. We weren't allowed to one on one date until 16, and even then my now dh didn't have his liscence right away, so we did a lot of hanging out in groups, even though we were a couple. Most early "dates" involved parents dropping us off. I agree with just setting boundaries, monitoring, and letting things roll as long as they aren't harmful. Limiting time on the phone (total, so not just with gf, but with friends) makes sense, as well as curfews. I also think it's great for you to get to know the girl. That can help you decide what to watch out for, or put your mind at ease, depending on what the girl is like. It is also a good time (and even before they start "dating") to teach/talk about what healthy relationships look like, etc. You have to be careful once dating so it doesn't come across as attacking who they are with, but it is good for kids to know what healthy is so they can recognize the unhealthy behaviors. Also, kids in their teen years are not mature adults. It sounds obvious, but we don't always think about it. Most teens are much more self-centered and needy then we are as adults. And it's working through that that helps teens mature into adults who are independent and selfless, if that makes sense. Emotionally, they are just not there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted May 11, 2013 Share Posted May 11, 2013 And not everyone shares the opinion that CHILDREN should be allowed to start dating at the age of 11 and yet it happens. I'm sorry, but I don't agree with even a 15 year old dating. This is an age where he should just be friends with girls and worry about his school work and such. There will be plenty of time for dating when he is older and he will make better choices then as well. ... Just my opinion. The bold isn't the conversation as posted nor what I posted in response. I don't have a parenting paradigm that excludes "poor choices". I have a parenting paradigm that expects them (I still have some!). My parenting paradigm is informed by my understanding of nature, development, and nurture theories that make sense to me. It's clear that 15 year olds CAN have a dating relationship, and still be excellent students, be involved in worthwhile pursuits and, as you say "such." In fact, I'd rather my kids make their first relationship mistakes while the rules/boundaries around dating are in place (before adulthood, coming soon for a 15 year old) and when my role in their life is still expected to have more say. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hillfarm Posted May 11, 2013 Share Posted May 11, 2013 I do think it is important to get to know the girl well, to include her in family activities, and to get to know her family. This goes a long way toward dispelling a lot of the myths that IMO cause teens to make poor decisions. They need to see how the other responds when they get angry or disappointed. How they react when a parent asks them to take the trash out when they had other plans. To see how they treat their siblings or grandparents. How they look immediately after doing yard work. How they handle delayed gratification or temptation. All of these things can help knock the "Hollywood" off of a relationship and bring it down to a more realistic level. At the same time, it has always bothered me to see parents who treat their dc's romantic interest like they were a spouse instead of a (probably) temporary crush. I have seen several situations in which the parent encouraged an (IMO) inappropriate level of committment and interaction - practically mentally marrying their dc off after a month of dates. It can be very hard to find the right balance between allowing this to be child-led and insisting that it be parent-led. While I do think that there are some 15yo's who are mature enough to handle serious dating relationships, I believe that there are many more who are not yet ready for it. I think the ideal path is one in which the committments, while sincere, remain on the light hearted side for as long as possible. It won't hurt a solid relationship to proceed slowly and it may well help keep those in a less sound relationship from becoming too emotionally devastated when things go to pieces. I agree that in our current society, few 15yo's would benefit from being permitted to put 100% of their attention on their relationships. IMO it is important for them to be required to continue to pursue their academics, to participate in family activities and to keep up with friends and personal interests. This can help to provide a safety net if the relationship crashes - the teen still has a full and active life around them and "life is still worth living". This can be an important lesson in how to balance all the many important aspects of life, such as we all struggle with on a daily basis. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottakee Posted May 11, 2013 Share Posted May 11, 2013 I would make sure that dh has some good, open, and likely frank talks with him about physical attraction and how to handle that, how to set some boundries and limites before they are in a situation that is beyond what they expected for the moment.........a whole lot more than just the "don't" speech. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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