Dh job offer. Can this work?

[Greenmama2]

Do I understand correctly that your husband teaches music? I teach at a university, but not music. However, looking at the website for our well-regarded university music school, I see that the faculty structure seems to be a bit different than in the arts and sciences, with many more additional 'lines' (adjunct artist, adjunct lecturer, etc.). The tenure-track faculty all appear to have Ph.Ds or D.M.As, but most of the others, even those who have been here a long time and are surely on some kind of long-term contract, do not, although they have other serious musical accomplishments.

 

All that is to say, if this is indeed a job in music, I think that your husband should talk to someone who really knows the academic music world before making a decision. Does he know anyone who teaches in this same department? If not, then someone else who teaches in a music department at another, preferably similar school? This situation strikes me as highly context-specific and I have to think that it would be extremely useful for him to get honest feedback and advice about the array of choices before him from someone in that same world. Even if this particular job isn't the right one to justify uprooting you all, it sounds like he could use some help formulating a long-term plan.

 

Yes, as a musician I agree with this.

My instinct would say take one, three is the second choice but in this field one shouldn't assume college employment is impossible without a doctorate.

[Bootsie]

I would suggest No. 1 only if it were a stepping stone to something OR if there was a significant benefit that was worth a short-term sacrifice (e.g. significant pay raise). From what you describe, there are many costs associated with No. 1 and No. 2. (commuting costs, housing costs, being away from the family, etc.) and I don't see a career or educational benefit. If anything, there may be downside career-wise in that it adds an appearance of job hopping and a series of short-term, non-permanent jobs.

[jennynd]

It is such a hard decision. Wish you and your family the best luck.

[briansmama]

I'd let him decide, but either way, I'd encourage him to seriously look into pursuing an online doctorate if possible.

 

ETA: I'd let him decide if he wants to take the temp position or not, and if he did, I would stay rooted with kids and have him commute.

[Meriwether]

We made the decision to follow Dh's career 7 years ago. We've moved 3 times since then. This is hard for me. I hate moving. Dh's job satisfaction was an important part of the reason why we moved. But the moves have been good for us finacially and have made him more valuable to his company. I would not move if it was a backward step for our family. His job satisfaction is not more important than our stability. Dh wanted to relocate within his company and I wanted to stay where I was. It was impossible for both of us to get what we wanted. We went with what he wanted because it was better (at least financially) for the family overall. In your situation, I would encourage him to work on his Phd, but I would not take the one year teaching job.

[TechWife]

I'll put my vote in for #3. I also like the idea another poster had of getting to know some music profs to get the lay of the land. Has your husband written for any professional journals, either in education or music? Doing that would make him more attractive to a doctoral program. If he doesn't do that currently, it might be worth talking to a professor about how to go about getting his articles published.

[butterflymommy]

My husband is only home about 156 days/ nights a year. The rest of the time it's just the kids and me. It has worked out for us and has allowed him to advance his career and salary more than either of us had ever hoped. The job is in a nowhereville type place so he was afraid to move us all there if it went bust. My kids are used to it (going on 10 years now) and it doesn't seem to have harmed them in any way. PM if you want to talk!

[laughing lioness]

Look, even with a Ph.D. it's going to be VERY competitive- esp if he is a white male - eoe doesn't equal fair if someone of color or gender shows up to compete with your dh, regardless of crendentials.

On top of that you have to publish/perform to an excellent standard in your field. It's expected and required.

 

A good friend of ours from college is a tenure track prof at a big 10 u in piano- he also tours internationally and has made several CD's- he is that good as a musician- he also teaches on the side, along with his u teaching career--AND his (ex) wife worked almost f.t. too- they both have amazing scholastic/musical careers (sadly, their marriage didn't make it) and their kids are very "successful" too- BUT they were both practically child prodigies and still practice so many hours a day (at 50). Music at the University level is VERY competitive.

 

Also, the older you get the lower your chances-why pay someone older who has a family and expectations when you can hire a freshly graduated 20/30 something newbie for pennies on the dollar?

 

There are plenty of universities/high school on-line opportunities opening up, that will often consider master's level profs. This might be an option you want to look in to.

 

But if it were me, I'd choose #1. We've lived apart before for work- it was very doable.

[1bassoon]

Tonight's update:

 

Just had a talk with dh. True to his nature, he's unwilling to make a quick decision. He wants to do a good, detailed financial analysis and talk with several people, both in our church and in the university setting.

 

He feels this is his only shot at his dream right now. It's a long story, but basically he walked away from a good job in 2005, to the chaos of what we've lived through. Even though it's only 1 year, it would be a year that he could actually do what he's good at and gifted to do.

 

But. He also said that he doesn't think it's going to work. "I'll be happy to stay at xyz school (current job), just doing whatever I can, to support the family. But I want no regrets. If this isn't going to work, I want to have really thought it through and come to that conclusion."

 

So that's where we are. The waiting, and the holding my tongue while he works this all out for himself, is killing me.

 

I'd appreciate any prayers you might have.

[Alte Veste Academy]

Tonight's update:

 

Just had a talk with dh. True to his nature, he's unwilling to make a quick decision. He wants to do a good, detailed financial analysis and talk with several people, both in our church and in the university setting.

 

He feels this is his only shot at his dream right now. It's a long story, but basically he walked away from a good job in 2005, to the chaos of what we've lived through. Even though it's only 1 year, it would be a year that he could actually do what he's good at and gifted to do.

 

But. He also said that he doesn't think it's going to work. "I'll be happy to stay at xyz school (current job), just doing whatever I can, to support the family. But I want no regrets. If this isn't going to work, I want to have really thought it through and come to that conclusion."

 

So that's where we are. The waiting, and the holding my tongue while he works this all out for himself, is killing me.

 

I'd appreciate any prayers you might have.

 

 

:grouphug:

[1bassoon]

Why are you "holding your tongue?" :confused:

 

Quite frankly, this isn't solely your dh's decision. This is a decision that the two of you should be making together.

 

 

He knows how I feel. To continue to harp and bring it up wouldn't be helpful at this point.

 

He has sacrificed so, so much for us. And he needs to work through this for himself; to be honest, I think more quickly on my feet. It would be easy for me to say, 'X,Y,Z. . . so there'. I'm trying to give him the space he needs to think it through without any pressure on my part. Then, once he has the facts straight for himself, we'll discuss together.

 

Does that make sense? It's just our dynamic as a couple.

[Alte Veste Academy]

Why are you "holding your tongue?" :confused:

 

Quite frankly, this isn't your dh's decision. This is a decision that the two of you should be making together.

 

 

People are different. Some chat, some hash, some need time and space. She has expressed that he doesn't think it will work out, so not pressuring him will ultimately work in her favor and keep her from being resented if/when he declines. We all don't hold the answers for everyone else.

[1bassoon]

People are different. Some chat, some hash, some need time and space. She has expressed that he doesn't think it will work out, so not pressuring him will ultimately work in her favor and keep her from being resented if/when he declines. We all don't hold the answers for everyone else.

 

 

Thanks. That's exactly our dynamic. I'd love to jump in, stay up late tonight, get it all hashed out right now.

 

He needs about 2 weeks to think, marinate, process, pray, and think some more.

 

So. . . . we make it work. Marriage :)

 

(Or, as the Impressive Clergyman says. . . . 'Mawwiage!")

[Alte Veste Academy]

Thanks. That's exactly our dynamic. I'd love to jump in, stay up late tonight, get it all hashed out right now.

 

He needs about 2 weeks to think, marinate, process, pray, and think some more.

 

So. . . . we make it work. Marriage :)

 

(Or, as the Impressive Clergyman says. . . . 'Mawwiage!")

 

LOL to mawwiage!

 

I hear you. I am a hasher too. Assertive to a fault. ;) I spend a lot of time analyzing perspective. :lol:

[1bassoon]

Which is why I am SO THANKFUL for this board!

 

See. . . . here I can hash out to my heart's content, whilst letting dh have the peace and quiet he needs right now. :D

 

But do note I stayed far, far away from the cupcake thread. . . . . .;)

[Alte Veste Academy]

Which is why I am SO THANKFUL for this board!

 

See. . . . here I can hash out to my heart's content, whilst letting dh have the peace and quiet he needs right now. :D

 

But do note I stayed far, far away from the cupcake thread. . . . . .;)

 

You are smarter than I am. :lol:

[LMV]

 

Thanks. That's exactly our dynamic. I'd love to jump in, stay up late tonight, get it all hashed out right now.

 

He needs about 2 weeks to think, marinate, process, pray, and think some more.

 

So. . . . we make it work. Marriage :)

 

(Or, as the Impressive Clergyman says. . . . 'Mawwiage!")

 

 

It sounds like you know your husband. The only thing I would add is if he doesn't understand how this separation would be for you and the children then I think this is the time to make that clear. This is information and understanding he needs to make the decision that is best for your family in the context of his dreams. From what you have shared so far I'm presuming that he does understand all of this but I know how dangerous it can be to presume.

 

My husband and I did do a temporary family split during late summer/fall 2011 so our foster daughter could benefit from a partial day treatment program for PTSD. My husband went with her and they lived in another home we owned in the area (which did make things much easier I admit). I was home with our other daughters, working, and relying on family for a lot of childcare. This lasted about three months. It was hard, it was. I missed my husband and the girls missed their daddy. However, it was also necessary and neither DH or I believe that our daughter would be where she is today if we hadn't done this. Our situation was different and all families are different so this is probably pretty irrelevant to your decision. However, in the event that you decide this temporary separation is the best option, feel free to PM if you need support or want some suggestions on how to help the kids stay connected with their dad even when there is significant geographic separation. Our daughters were 15, 11, and 20 months at the time we did this.

 

Best wishes with all of this!

 

[1bassoon]

It sounds like you know your husband. The only thing I would add is if he doesn't understand how this separation would be for you and the children then I think this is the time to make that clear. This is information and understanding he needs to make the decision that is best for your family in the context of his dreams. From what you have shared so far I'm presuming that he does understand all of this but I know how dangerous it can be to presume.

 

 

Thanks for this - what an amazing thing you did for your daughter.

 

We lived apart for 15 months while dh worked a job about 2.5 hours away in TN - he came home every weekend. This was a few years ago, so all the kids were younger. It. Was. Hard. Really hard. And honestly, during that time I quit caring. I ate terribly, gained a lot of weight (which I still haven't lost), really lost my grounding spiritually. It was hard on the kids, too - they missed their Dad, and he was home every weekend.

 

Which is why I have strong reservations about him being away all year next year. Not just the kids, but for me. I'm just not sure I can make it.

[2squared]

I hope to be eloquent with this reply, but I'll probably fail. At least you know my intention before I begin.

 

My dh comes up with ideas that I think aren't wise or fiscally responsible. Earlier in our marriage when he told me his ideas, I would just basically say no. Over time he became resentful and smothered. The past few years I've figured out a better way to the same spot. He still comes home with ideas that I know aren't wise, but instead of saying no immediately, I encourage him to check them out. He usually spends some time thinking and researching. I discuss when he wants to, and I try to throw out little nuggets of further thoughts without coming across as not supportive. Eventually he usually comes to agree with my opinion, but he is happy b/c I supported him and encouraged him.

 

In the past six months I've supported his idea of quitting his FT job and taking temporary AF active duty assignments away from us for months at a time while looking for FT employment. I've supported his idea of quitting his job as an attorney to take an insurance sales job with a 1/3 pay cut. I've even supported his idea that if he gets a job he's interviewing for, we could all move 2.5 hours away with two weeks notice. Yeah, none of these were good ideas, but I think he just wanted, needed me to support how unhappy he is with his current job. He decided on his own that these ideas weren't really workable, but he was able to get there without me closing the door prematurely. As he works through his thoughts, I never give a green light. Rather, I encourage him to keep thinking, keep researching, keep discussing. He makes decisions differently than I do, and he seems to need a lot more thinking time than I would ever take.

[cathmom]

I hope to be eloquent with this reply, but I'll probably fail. At least you know my intention before I begin.

 

My dh comes up with ideas that I think aren't wise or fiscally responsible. Earlier in our marriage when he told me his ideas, I would just basically say no. Over time he became resentful and smothered. The past few years I've figured out a better way to the same spot. He still comes home with ideas that I know aren't wise, but instead of saying no immediately, I encourage him to check them out. He usually spends some time thinking and researching. I discuss when he wants to, and I try to throw out little nuggets of further thoughts without coming across as not supportive. Eventually he usually comes to agree with my opinion, but he is happy b/c I supported him and encouraged him.

 

In the past six months I've supported his idea of quitting his FT job and taking temporary AF active duty assignments away from us for months at a time while looking for FT employment. I've supported his idea of quitting his job as an attorney to take an insurance sales job with a 1/3 pay cut. I've even supported his idea that if he gets a job he's interviewing for, we could all move 2.5 hours away with two weeks notice. Yeah, none of these were good ideas, but I think he just wanted, needed me to support how unhappy he is with his current job. He decided on his own that these ideas weren't really workable, but he was able to get there without me closing the door prematurely. As he works through his thoughts, I never give a green light. Rather, I encourage him to keep thinking, keep researching, keep discussing. He makes decisions differently than I do, and he seems to need a lot more thinking time than I would ever take.

 

 

I bet he is a reflective type. I am the same way. If I have an idea (and I always have plenty!) I need to think it through from beginning to end. My dh has learned to just let me think it through. I cannot - absolutely cannot! - just shut the idea down without thinking it through. For example, I saw a job the other day that might be ok for me, in our preferred area, near some friends and relatives. I needed two days to think it through, and came to the conclusion that it was not worth applying for, as it would not help with our long-range plans (except relocating) and wouldn't do much for my career goals either.

[KungFuPanda]

Can he knock out his PhD in this year's time? He'd have more free time without any family obligations in the evening. As long as the year is going to be tough he may as well make it really count so that he comes out with a different set of options. (Provided a PhD does really provide more options . . .look into that now to see if it's true. It wasn't the case for my DH.) If he won't come out of the year any more employable than he is now, I wouldn't risk the stable job.

[gaillardia]

I would say choice #3 and plenty of chocolate.

It's the same pay!

[SweetMissMagnolia]

no advice......hope the situation works out for the best.....