My nephew was a rude guest. How involved do I get?

[Garga]

**************UPDATE****************

 

I want to thank everyone who responded without making you scroll through, so I'm updating this post.

 

Thanks to all who answered. In answer to the questions everyone asked:

 

My friend felt comfortable taking a nap with teens in the house because her DH was awake. I think she also trusted that if I sent the kid over, it would be ok, since she knows me so well. (Guess she won't do that again huh?!)

 

As many of you have advised, I'm going to tell my SIL what Nephew13 did, and I like Tess's suggestion to say that the lying "looks damaging." I can't prove that he lied, but it really does look damaging.

 

And I'll also tell him personally that by pestering the adults and then either deleting the files or allowing someone else to delete them when he knew they weren't supposed to, that they don't want him visiting ever again. At age 13, that's probably the best way to learn a lesson--having to deal with embarrassing consequences.

 

I apologized to my friend and expressed extreme dismay as she told me the story. Her attitude toward the whole thing was...resignation. That's the best word. She has two aspies and is well used to socially bizarre behaviors, and extended as much grace as she could. She just kind of rolled her eyes and shrugged her shoulders, like, "What're ya gonna do? Kids are weird," and we moved on to another topic of conversation.

 

***********************END UPDATE*********************

 

My Nephew is 13, but turning 14 this month.

 

Last weekend, he came to visit. He lives an hour away.

 

My ds10 has a friend who is 13. Nephew13 and Friend13 met at a function a few months ago and hit it off. They made plans to play Call of Duty the next time Nephew13 visited, which was last weekend.

 

So, I sent Nephew13 to my friend's house to play Call of Duty with her son, Friend13.

 

Once he got there, he decided he didn't want to play Call of Duty. Instead, he wanted to play computer games. Ok...so Friend13 opened his laptop so they could play. Then, they got Friend13's sister's laptop, so the two boys could play together online.

 

Somewhere along the line, my friend (the mom) went upstairs to take a nap. My Nephew13 followed her upstairs and knocked on her door to ask her inane questions...twice. The second time she said, "Nephew13, I'm taking a nap. Leave me alone." He did. The kid is very clingy and you have to spell out the boundaries.

 

So, Nephew13 then went to their basement where Friend13's father was watching a movie. He asked the father, "Can I delete all this stuff from your daughter's laptop so that I can download a game on it?" The father said, "No." Nephew13 didn't like that answer, and asked it again. The father said, "No" again. Nephew13 does this all the time. If he asks enough at home, they give in. I never give in to him, because it's annoying that he asks over and over and over.. He's always shocked when I am firm with my "no."

 

After a few hours, I came and retrieved Nephew13 and dropped him off with his grandmother. I later found out that my friend called Nephew13 at his grandmother's and asked, "Did you delete all that stuff from my daughter's computer?"

 

Nephew13 said, "No. Your Boy11 did it."

 

TOTAL LIE. How do I know? Because Boy11 has the type of aspergers which makes it impossible for him to lie. He just can't do it. He doesn't have a manipulative bone in his body.

 

My Nephew13 deleted the link to her cyberschool, plus a bunch of other stuff she had on there. They were able to recover everything over a period of a few hours.

 

Needless to say, Nephew13 isn't welcome in their home anymore.

 

But...now what?

 

Do I tell Nephew13's mother, my SIL? I don't know her very well. She doesn't know this other family. I can't prove if Nephew13 lied or not. Without proof of the lie, this could get very ugly. Also, she's a very hands-off parent, which is why her son has such bad manners (interrupting a nap twice, refusing to play CoD when that was what everyone else wanted to do, interrupting the dad's movie to ask about deleting someone else's stuff, and then doing it anyway when told "no" twice, then lying about it.)

 

I'm thinking that I want to be a good adult and a good aunt and take him a little under my wing. I don't believe it takes a village to raise a kid, but maybe it takes a caring aunt to help a kid who's obviously clueless.

 

But I don't want to alienate his mother or humiliate him. If it were my own kids, I would make them write a little note of apology.

 

Do I:

 

1. Simply tell him that because of the above behavior (and then list it), it has been made clear to me he's not welcome in my friend's home anymore. He's considered a bad guest and a bad influence on their kids.

 

2. Make him write a tiny letter of apology for deleting the stuff. (He may insist he didn't do it.)

 

3. Tell his mother. And if so, what do I say about the lying?

[Lisa R.]

I'm a bit confused. It appears that this happened at your friend's house. If so, this is an issue between your friend and your nephew. Why would you get involved?

 

I don't believe in parenting other people's kids--even if it is a relative of mine. I feel like I have my hands full parenting my own kids.

 

To answer your question, I don't like any of your three options. I would stay out of it.

[myfunnybunch]

I would do 1 and 3, though I'd leave out the "bad guest" and "bad influence" part. "You're no longer welcome in their home" is sufficient--if he mentions visiting the friends again.

 

I would just tell his mom briefly and factually what happened, describing the actions only (He did x, then y, and after repeatedly being told he could not erase anything from the laptop, the laptop was erased) and let the chips fall where they may. You don't need to deal with the lying. Once she knows what happened, the responsibility is hers to deal with as she sees fit. Or not.

 

Sounds like he has some significant impulse control issues. I'd make sure that if he is under your umbrella, so to speak, that the adults he's with know not to leave him unattended. I can't imagine taking a nap when I have a relatively unknown guest in the house.

 

Cat

[sbgrace]

Aspie kids are sometimes easily manipulated. Is there a chance he told the other child to delete the stuff?

 

Is your nephew perhaps dealing with his own special needs (ADHD or even spectrum stuff)?

I see the flavor of those in your nephew's behavior. The parenting may also be an issue of course.

[Annie G]

Since he was under your supervision while visiting, I'd for sure call the family and apologize for your nephew's behavior. It won't change anything but it seems like the right thing to do.

 

How is sil related to you- is it dh's sister, or is she married in to the family?

[Harriet Vane]

Since he was under your supervision, you should call your friend and apologize. No, he's not your kid, but you still need to apologize.

 

Yes, you should definitely tell his mother. Be factual and unemotional, but yes, tell her the whole story. Don't argue or debate if there are interruptions. Ask her to please listen to the whole story first. If she argues or believes her son, all you have to do is say, "[Friend's name] is telling the truth, and [nephew] is not welcome in her home anymore."

[Catwoman]

I'm not getting the relationship here -- is this SIL your brother's wife, your dh's sister, or your dh's brother's wife? :confused:

 

If she is on your dh's side of the family, I think he should speak with his brother about your nephew, or if it's his sister's kid, he should speak with her. If it's your own brother''s wife, but you don't know her very well, talk to your brother.

 

This kid went beyond rude. He was both deceitful and destructive -- and he didn't delete those computer files by accident; he did it intentionally after being told more than once that he wasn't allowed to do it... and then he lied about it.

 

I am far less concerned about his other less-than-stellar behaviors than I am about the computer thing. What if the family hadn't been able to recover those files??? And look at the time they wasted trying to undo your nephew's mess!

 

I would personally apologize for your nephew's behavior and actions, and would be very clear that you had no idea that he would ever act that way. You certainly don't want your friend thinking that you would ever condone rudeness, sneakiness, or dishonesty.

[Garga]

The SIL is my husband's brother's wife. We see them at Easter and Christmas. But Nephew13 has taken a hankering to us and begs to visit all the time. He is needy and draining, but I'm trying to be kind to him. At home, he goes to school, plays computer games, and goes to bed. That is all he does, all day, every day.

 

When I took him climbing on some boulders this summer, he told me, "This will be one of my best childhood memories." The kid is begging for someone to pay attention to him and do things with him.

 

I did apologize to my friend when she told me the story a few days after the fact.

[AK_Mom4]

My vote - let your DH talk to his brother about it if he chooses. If you talk to his mom, I will bet you will get the "Not My Little Darling" response, so why bother?

 

You've already apologized to your friend and you know to keep an eye on the kid when he's with you, so it's all good there.

 

Then let it go. Dumb things happen when people leave teenagers unsupervised, aspie or not.

[Clarkd]

If a teen asks multiple times to delete stuff from a computer, I would stop watching the movie and get involved. Napping? It seems a bit odd. I would have dh tell the boy's family. If he's coming to visit you again I would keep him with you and not visit others since his behavior is currently too problematic.

[Harriet Vane]

If a teen asks multiple times to delete stuff from a computer, I would stop watching the movie and get involved. Napping? It seems a bit odd. I would have dh tell the boy's family. If he's coming to visit you again I would keep him with you and not visit others since his behavior is currently too problematic.

 

Not sure what is odd about napping? I nap many days. A 13yo and an 11yo are well able to keep themselves occupied for a short time without incident.

[regentrude]

The whole thing is very strange. If a teen asks whether he can delete things from a stranger's computer, that itself is weird and age-inappropriate; a 13 year old boy should know that this is a ridiculous request. Second, faced with such a bizarre request, the parents should have taken the computer away. (Frankly, I would be puzzled and alarmed if one of my son's friends even asked such a stupid question.)

 

But this said, yes, I would inform the mother what happened and why her son is no longer welcome at my friend's house - if my kid was banned from someplace, I would want to know exactly what issues I need to address. But I believe it would be his parents' responsibility to make him write a letter or make restitution in some other way.

[Clarkd]

Napping itself is not odd, napping while having a teen guest you don't know well visit is odd.

[Harriet Vane]

Napping itself is not odd, napping while having a teen guest you don't know well visit is odd.

 

 

I will have to disagree. The father was awake and in the home at the time. There was no reason for one adult not to nap.

 

I can see from your signature line that your kids are all young. I have a teenager, though. Even if the mother were the only one home, a short nap with older kids in the home is not that big a deal. If a friend is over for hours, a nap is not that big a deal.

[*********]

I'd go with #1. In fact, I'd say something like "Nephew, since you deleted those things from the laptop after being told no, you're not welcome at friend's house anymore. And pulling stunts like that isn't allowed HERE, either." Simple, matter-of-fact, boom, done. Now, if nephew balks and denies deleting it again, I'd tell him to save it, because either HE did it, or he convinced one of the other boys to do it even though he KNEW he wasn't supposed to. Either way, he was in the wrong. In fact, SO in the wrong that he's not welcome there anymore.

 

Since you said you don't know SIL well, I'd not bother telling her. Nephew was in your care, did something involving your friends that SIL doesn't even know. If it were a different offense/situation, I'd likely respond differently. For example, if nephew got involved in smoking, drugs, drinking, etc. But lying? While lying is a BIG DEAL in my family, we all know ALL kids do it sometimes. I guess I just don't think it'd do any good to tell his parents. But I could be wrong, LOL.

[radiobrain]

Um, where to start. Rude, is not exactly the word I would use to describe the behavior. But a 13 year old boy's brain is not the most thoughtful and logical of places on a good day. :tongue_smilie:

 

First of all, decide exactly where you want to stand with this kid. You are either the cool aunt or the evil aunt. You are not the parent, though. Any apology letters, etc. need to be up to them. Any punishment or whatnot is also up to them. They cannot do either w/o info. It is your duty as the person who they left their kid with, to tell them everything relevant. What they do with the info is their business. I know that I would want to know if my kid did that.

 

I think the adults in the house they were visiting were definitely odd, hands off types, and bear a certain amount of responsibility... but so what? It sounds like they weren't very interested in their kids either. I wouldn't let any kid I didn't know touch a computer in my house. Then again, I wouldn't let a kid I hadn't really met be dropped off for a playdate, either.

 

I know you feel sorry for this kid, but it sounds like he's irritating. Some kids just are. You should do what you can, but set up your own personal bounderies, or you know what? Your BIL/SIL will start pawning him off on you more and more. I have seen it a million times. Do what you can, but don't do it all.... That all being said, when he is your responsibility... then you do get to do a bit o' parenting. Hopefully you learned some things and he can benefit from your way of handling the situation.

 

So, tell the BIL/SIL, leave out the lying, leave a tiny bit of wiggle room for the kid, you already apologized to the family, they likely learned their own lesson too. Then it's done. Get over it. :thumbup:

 

Honestly, I don't really know what I am saying. I am tired and cranky. :)

[Catwoman]

I agree with telling the parent. I would not assume she doesn't care or would not believe it. I would want to know.

 

 

I agree, and my recommendation would be to have the dh tell his brother what happened, rather than involving the SIL if they don't know her very well, as the brother is probably more likely to take what the dh says at face value (assuming they have a decent relationship.)

 

I would absolutely want to know about this if I was the parent, because this kind of behavior needs to be addressed and dealt with, not ignored or treated like it's not a big deal.

[Farrar]

I think I'm in agreement with most everyone... I can't imagine why you wouldn't apologize to your friend yourself. And then I can't imagine why you wouldn't tell the nephew that his actions had gotten him banned from their house. And finally that you would even consider not telling his mother. I get that it's an emotional thing and you're not close, but she needs to know. You don't have to be like, "Your kid is a horrible kid." You just need to say, "Here's what happened. Here's why we're all pretty sure he's lying. Even if he wasn't lying, his behavior wasn't that of a good guest and he's been uninvited from ever coming back."

[VeritasMama]

If my child behaved this way, I would want to know about it.

[Kathryn]

I think I'm in agreement with most everyone... I can't imagine why you wouldn't apologize to your friend yourself. And then I can't imagine why you wouldn't tell the nephew that his actions had gotten him banned from their house. And finally that you would even consider not telling his mother. I get that it's an emotional thing and you're not close, but she needs to know. You don't have to be like, "Your kid is a horrible kid." You just need to say, "Here's what happened. Here's why we're all pretty sure he's lying. Even if he wasn't lying, his behavior wasn't that of a good guest and he's been uninvited from ever coming back."

 

 

I completely agree. You should apologize to your friend as he was your responsibility even if not your child. He needs to know the consequences of his actions. And his parents need to know what their son has been up to. It doesn't need to be drama-filled, just simple and to the point: He asked repeatedly to delete his friend's sister's things off of her computer so he could put what he wanted to on it, was told no, and did it anyway. You don't really need to address any of the rest of it IMO.

[celticmom]

One thing that I have not seen addressed here is that deleting the files of others without permission is a form of theft. The op's nephew is very fortunate that the files were recovered and no one is too terribly angry. If the circumstances had been different, I am no expert but I suspect he could have faced criminal charges or at least a few very uncomfortable conversations with law enforcement. He needs to understand the potential gravity of his actions. If he had done the same thing on the job as an adult at the very least he would be fired.

[RanchGirl]

This kid went beyond rude. He was both deceitful and destructive -- and he didn't delete those computer files by accident; he did it intentionally after being told more than once that he wasn't allowed to do it... and then he lied about it.

 

I am far less concerned about his other less-than-stellar behaviors than I am about the computer thing. What if the family hadn't been able to recover those files??? And look at the time they wasted trying to undo your nephew's mess!

 

I think "rude guest" is really minimizing the extent of this behavior. The knocking during the nap was extremely rude. But deleting files on someone else's computer was atrocious. So incredibly selfish and invasive and really a form of theft or causing damage or something -- I don't know exactly. To even ask is pretty bad, it shows a lack of regard for the family he was visiting. But to go and do it anyway and then lie about it? I would be very concerned about this behavior and I would certainly watch him like a hawk in my home in the future.

 

It will certainly be uncomfortable to tell his parents what happened but if my child had done these things, I would want to know. There's no way to know what they will do with the information, but as his aunt I think you have an obligation to let them know. If it is your brother, you should tell him. If it is your husband's brother, he should tell him.

[Joanne]

My vote - let your DH talk to his brother about it if he chooses. If you talk to his mom, I will bet you will get the "Not My Little Darling" response, so why bother?

 

You've already apologized to your friend and you know to keep an eye on the kid when he's with you, so it's all good there.

 

Then let it go. Dumb things happen when people leave teenagers unsupervised, aspie or not.

 

 

Just a different perspective........

 

I fully expect to be able to take a nap if there are TEENS in my home. I don't expect - in fact, I don't think it's needed or appropriate to be "supervising" teens on any major level.

 

My house is typically FULL of teens. If there was one who acted as oddly/poorly as the 13 year old in the OP, he'd not be invited back because I am not up for that level of supervision. I did my time when my kids were younger, thanks.

[Harriet Vane]

 

 

Just a different perspective........

 

I fully expect to be able to take a nap if there are TEENS in my home. I don't expect - in fact, I don't think it's needed or appropriate to be "supervising" teens on any major level.

 

My house is typically FULL of teens. If there was one who acted as oddly/poorly as the 13 year old in the OP, he'd not be invited back because I am not up for that level of supervision. I did my time when my kids were younger, thanks.

 

:iagree: Exactly.

[SKL]

I too would have apologized profusely (which you did). And since you see your nephew often, I might inform him of the story you heard as to why he won't be visiting that family any more. In a "this is what I heard" kind of way. I probably would not go beyond that, unless his mom or dad seemed to want help parenting their kid. Just keep being firm and planning activities that don't involve screen time when he comes over.

 

I have a difficult to parent child. I sure am trying with her, but I know she doesn't always act as she should when I'm not with her. It isn't necessarily a lack of parenting that causes a child to act immature, irresponsible, inconsiderate, etc. Just something to consider. Not all kids will live up to the same standard of maturity at the same age.

[Tess in the Burbs]

I thought about this a day before answering.

 

You introduced the nephew to the boy. So IMO you need to apologize to the family for his behavior as if he was your child. As far as the parents go you are their contact for this kid. So you are the responsible adult in this case. Apologize and make it clear he won't be over again.

 

Then you need to talk to the nephew and his mom and explain that he embarrassed your family by his behavior. He repeatedly bothered the adults and there is an incident which falls back to him b/c of him asking about deleting information that regardless of his denial of involvement looks pretty damaging. He needs to write them an apology and you need to make sure he understands appropriate behavior in your home and any guests of yours in the future. Yes, the mom should be told. You gave him a great opportunity and he flubbed. He can learn from this for future situations. And the mom can learn too....get involved, teach your kid how to behave in other people's homes!

 

Sorry you had this happen. Do address it with everyone and hopefully in the future he will behave better.

[myfunnybunch]

I fully expect to be able to take a nap if there are TEENS in my home. I don't expect - in fact, I don't think it's needed or appropriate to be "supervising" teens on any major level.

 

My house is typically FULL of teens. If there was one who acted as oddly/poorly as the 13 year old in the OP, he'd not be invited back because I am not up for that level of supervision. I did my time when my kids were younger, thanks.

 

I agree with this in general. I do believe that I should be able nap or watch a movie or go outside to do yardwork with teens in my house. Before my eldest dd moved out, we had teens over often. However, I would not nap and leave a young teen alone with my computers on his first visit, particularly if he was exhibiting some impulsive behaviors, until I'd ascertained whether or not it was a wise choice. Nor would I have allowed unsupervised access to computers, especially to a child who was repeatedly asking to delete things, while I watched a movie in the next room.

 

Then I would know whether or not I was willing to offer the level of supervision he needed in the future.

 

This isn't purely speculative. When my dd was younger, I'd tell her that so-and-so couldn't come over because I would not be available to supervise. We usually invited those friends for more structured family activities, and invited different friends over for less structured/supervised time. Also, my dd's choices in friends and time spent was very different at 13 than it was at 16. At 13, she just wanted to spend time with her friends; by 16, she was following our lead and making mostly good choices about who to invite and when.

 

Cat