plain jane Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 I'm quite distressed right now, so please bear with me. Dh and I have always said we would homeschool. Even when I was pg with #1 it was implied that this is what we would do. And yes, I say "we" because dh agreed to and continues to want to be involved. He actively takes part in selecting curriculum and gives me his opinion whenever I ask. He will sit through hours of discussion on curriculum without complaining and even give me his take on things. He has driven for hours to take me to a homeschooling store and looked through books with me. In fact, he has bookmarked sites on the internet that he thinks I may find useful for school. He has taken on teaching art to our dc and has even done science with them.- using curriculum that I've chosen. He really is fabulous. Here's the clincher. I'm recently learning, (or perhaps I'm just admitting to myself??) that rather than being supportive of *homeschooling* dh is supportive of *me*. Not a bad thing, but it has caught me off guard. Here I am, stressed out beyond belief. Moving houses, dealing with an extremely mischievous 2yo, a baby that never stops crying and refuses to sleep more than 1/2hr at a time at night and trying to put together my curriculum for next year. I'm so frustrated that I've thrown up my hands in utter frustration and amongst the tears, stated that we should just put dd in school next year. I don't *want* this, I'm just. so. stressed. out. So, what does my dh do? He supports me. He tells me it's not necessarily a bad idea, we're stressed, this move is very hard on so many levels etc. That school isn't the worse thing for her. Ok. He loves me. Clearly, I see that. Yes, it melts my heart. But, where's my homeschooling advocate when I need him? Where's the shoulder to cry on who will pat my back and tell me that it'll be okay. That I *can* do this and that homeschooling really is the best thing for *our* family. He feels this way when I do, but he's so easily swayed, kwim? He really is ALL for homeschooling and brags about me and what I do to his friends. Why can't he just say "NO. Woman, you must homeschool." :lol::lol::lol: Oh. Someone please bring me some perspective. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 Men like to fix things, solve problems. We generally want to talk about our problem without necessarily wanting them to fix it for us. For us, talking about a problem makes it more managable for us. If he's going to support you calm down. Take it easy, take some time off. Tons of moms here have taken time off during a move. It's only temperary (sp???). I wouldn't sweat it. Think about it after you move. It won't be catastrophic if you 1) begin school later or 2) enroll them in school later. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
plain jane Posted July 22, 2008 Author Share Posted July 22, 2008 Men like to fix things, solve problems. We generally want to talk about our problem without necessarily wanting them to fix it for us. For us, talking about a problem makes it more managable for us. YES! You so nailed it right on the head with this!! Thank you! I needed to be reminded of this! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shalom22 Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 What I have learned from my dh recently (we have been married for almost 23 years) is that his main objective is to make me happy. Right or wrong, even to the point of putting us in deep debt at one time. He would do whatever necessary to make sure that I was happy. Whatever I wanted was fine. Me, I was total oblivious to that way of thinking. I simply don't think like that. I would prefer to be black and white, make a decision, not based on his perception of my happiness. So, with that in mind, that could be what your dh is thinking. It's not that he doesn't support you, you already know that, but that he wants you to be happy. If you want to homeschool great, if you don't want to homeschool great. Maybe if you sat down with him and talked to him about being so compliant (if thats a good word) ask him to stand firm and make the decision as the head of the household. I know for myself, I can make better decisions if I know where my dh stands in the areas of running the house. I gave up wearing the pants of the family years ago. I don't know if I am making any sense, but hopefully you can get something out of it.:D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 :iagree: with Remudamom. Most men really like to fix things and if you give them a problem, they will try to fix it! Most men also like a happy wife, and if their wife is stressed out - they will try to fix the problem!! :) I don't know how old your dd is, but I'm guessing she's pretty young. Please give yourself permission to put school on hold for now. If you *must* do something, work on reading with her if she's ready. Otherwise, please don't stress! Stop planning and thinking about curriculum, get moved into your house and find a way to deal with your littlest blessings. Remember that your curriculum at this stage of the game needs to be SIMPLE - for your own sanity. You will be amazed at what your dd will learn just by helping you move in and live life. :grouphug: Anne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ohio12 Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 Remember... a husband that is supportive of "you" is a great thing! I think women a lot of times read about or get ideas about things and the men in our lives get behind us. Examples: breastfeeding, cooking with organic foods. They wouldn't have thought of it in a million years, but when they see how passionate we are about it, they get on board. I see it all the time with my friends. This is not uncommon. As far as practical advice, I didn't see how old your dd is, but I would get an easy to follow curriculum and give yourself a break for the year. Take it as easy as you can. If you are strung out, that is bad for your whole family and dh just wants things to calm down. I don't know how old your baby is, but not getting sleep can be horrible. That can't last too long! I have a supportive dh too. It is a huge blessing. Hope you can find some peace. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 :iagree: Men like to fix things, solve problems. We generally want to talk about our problem without necessarily wanting them to fix it for us. For us, talking about a problem makes it more managable for us. If he's going to support you calm down. Take it easy, take some time off. Tons of moms here have taken time off during a move. It's only temperary (sp???). I wouldn't sweat it. Think about it after you move. It won't be catastrophic if you 1) begin school later or 2) enroll them in school later. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Testimony Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 Men like to fix things, solve problems. We generally want to talk about our problem without necessarily wanting them to fix it for us. For us, talking about a problem makes it more managable for us. If he's going to support you calm down. Take it easy, take some time off. Tons of moms here have taken time off during a move. It's only temperary (sp???). I wouldn't sweat it. Think about it after you move. It won't be catastrophic if you 1) begin school later or 2) enroll them in school later. Your husband sounds like my husband. He sounds very loving, caring, and does not want to see his wife in distress. Whatever you decide, I think it is great that he is there for you. I'll pray for you that God will give you peace in the midst of this storm. There are no spas around where you can get a massage? Hang in there with homeschooling though! I know, you can do it!!!!:hurray: That was the closest picture to a cheerleader that I could find. Blessings to you in your homeschooling journey! Sincerely, Karen http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/testimony Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sparkle Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 I'm quite distressed right now, so please bear with me. Dh and I have always said we would homeschool. Even when I was pg with #1 it was implied that this is what we would do. And yes, I say "we" because dh agreed to and continues to want to be involved. He actively takes part in selecting curriculum and gives me his opinion whenever I ask. He will sit through hours of discussion on curriculum without complaining and even give me his take on things. He has driven for hours to take me to a homeschooling store and looked through books with me. In fact, he has bookmarked sites on the internet that he thinks I may find useful for school. He has taken on teaching art to our dc and has even done science with them.- using curriculum that I've chosen. He really is fabulous. Here's the clincher. I'm recently learning, (or perhaps I'm just admitting to myself??) that rather than being supportive of *homeschooling* dh is supportive of *me*. Not a bad thing, but it has caught me off guard. Here I am, stressed out beyond belief. Moving houses, dealing with an extremely mischievous 2yo, a baby that never stops crying and refuses to sleep more than 1/2hr at a time at night and trying to put together my curriculum for next year. I'm so frustrated that I've thrown up my hands in utter frustration and amongst the tears, stated that we should just put dd in school next year. I don't *want* this, I'm just. so. stressed. out. So, what does my dh do? He supports me. He tells me it's not necessarily a bad idea, we're stressed, this move is very hard on so many levels etc. That school isn't the worse thing for her. Ok. He loves me. Clearly, I see that. Yes, it melts my heart. But, where's my homeschooling advocate when I need him? Where's the shoulder to cry on who will pat my back and tell me that it'll be okay. That I *can* do this and that homeschooling really is the best thing for *our* family. He feels this way when I do, but he's so easily swayed, kwim? He really is ALL for homeschooling and brags about me and what I do to his friends. Why can't he just say "NO. Woman, you must homeschool." :lol::lol::lol: Oh. Someone please bring me some perspective. Your dh is just being practical - nothing wrong with that :) And it's great that he supports you. My dh is exactly the same. He thinks it's great that I homeschool the kids, he's happy with what they're learning, and he'll defend homeschooling to anybody that attacks it - BUT he'd have no problem sending the kids to public school if I couldn't homeschool. I asked him one time what would happen if I died - would he still try to see that kids are homeschooled. He was like - no way, I'd send them to public school so quick - the last thing I need to do is homeschool if I just lost my spouse. That kind of shook me up a bit too. Anyway, if you're happy enough with the way things are - and I know it's hard with a toddler and a baby - I'd just keep moving forward, do what you can, know that it will get easier with time, and come here or to your IRL homeschool buddies for support. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abbeyej Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 Sounds like a real keeper you have there! You know, my dh is a *huge* supporter of our home schooling. But great as he thinks it is, as you say, he's really a much bigger supporter of *me*. And also the kids. If he thought that home schooling might be hurting me *or* the kids, he would push for an alternative. That might mean giving me "permission", if he thought I didn't realize I had options, or if things were bad enough, I'm pretty sure it would mean putting a foot down (though that would be extreme)... But the thing is, he would not think home schooling was worth sacrificing my mental or physical health (or that if the kids, or their education, if he perceived that those things were being threatened). I think that's awesome!!! Isn't it better that he see *us* (his wife, his kids) as individuals who need support, rather than having a myopic view of a great-but-not-always-the-best-possible-solution-in-every-circumstance ideal of home schooling? In your case, I think you need to let him know *exactly* what you're *feeling*: You're tired, you're stressed, you're discouraged... And exactly what you *need*: A cheerleader who says, "It's tough, but you can do it! I believe in you, and I'm willing to help you make this work!" But if he doesn't know that that's what you need, you can't blame him for trying to fix things, for trying to *protect* you from stress and overwork... Just let him know. "Honey, I'm tired and I'm discouraged, but I really want home schooling to work. I don't want to give up, but I need you to be my encouragement when I feel like I can't make it." And some women decide not to mention the day-to-day struggles to their husbands. I don't mean lie to them. If there's something wrong over time, they need to know. But you don't have to tell them about every tough day and every setback as it comes along. You can post here, or call up another mom, someone who can say, "Yeah, I've had those days. It's really tough, huh?" And then you move on. 'Cause if you tell him, he's going to want to "help", when what you may be asking for isn't help so much as just an acknowledgment. So you can decide how much of that day-to-day exhaustion you want to share. (And again, I'm not talking about shutting him out -- not at all -- just not "venting" to him about every little thing when you don't really want his input...) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sue G in PA Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 My dh sounds so much like yours. When I get stressed out and threaten sending all of them back to school, he agrees w/ me! See, my dh is supportive of "me", too, and that is a good thing. But, I'm with you...where is my homeschooling cheerleader when I need it. Your dh sounds like a very supportive and loving dh. I agree w/ the other posters...men like to fix things. My dh likes to fix things and gets all flustered when he can't fix it. I like to premise my "vent sessions" by saying something like this: "I don't want you to fix this, I just need to vent!". Then dh gets out of "fix it mode" and into "listen mode". It hurt me the other night when dh told me maybe we should send them back to school b/c I wasn't handling it too well (meaning I was stressed out). But, I have to realize that dh doesn't understand what it is to be a homeschooling mom. If I want a cheerleader, I usually come here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WTMindy Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 Hey Jane, you *can* do this, and homeschooling really is the best thing for *your* family!! We'll be your advocates, and your dh can continue to be your advocate!!! So here I go.....(clearing my throat and putting on my best deep voice....) "No. Woman, you must homeschool" (How did I do?) It is wonderful that your dh is so supportive of you. What a gift!!! Yes, men want to solve problems and that is what your dh is doing right now. So, if homeschooling is what you want, backpedal a bit, tell your dh that you don't really want to send her to school, and give him a BIG HUGE KISS for being such a swell guy!!!! ETA: My dh is very supportive of homeschooling, but I know that if I were struggling, he would want to both protect me and make sure the kids were getting what they needed. PS. I can't imagine my dh sitting through any homeschooling conference. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 Hey Jane, you *can* do this, and homeschooling really is the best thing for *your* family!! We'll be your advocates, and your dh can continue to be your advocate!!! So here I go.....(clearing my throat and putting on my best deep voice....) "No. Woman, you must homeschool" (How did I do?) It is wonderful that your dh is so supportive of you. What a gift!!! Yes, men want to solve problems and that is what your dh is doing right now. So, if homeschooling is what you want, backpedal a bit, tell your dh that you don't really want to send her to school, and give him a BIG HUGE KISS for being such a swell guy!!!! ETA: My dh is very supportive of homeschooling, but I know that if I were struggling, he would want to both protect me and make sure the kids were getting what they needed. PS. I can't imagine my dh sitting through any homeschooling conference. What she said. I was typing a reply with dh came home and I had to give him some TLC. Mindy is much more eloquent. So :iagree:, we'll be here for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gretchen in NJ Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 He really is ALL for homeschooling and brags about me and what I do to his friends. Why can't he just say "NO. Woman, you must homeschool." Oh. Someone please bring me some perspective. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:Because he loves you. He loves you so very much that even though he believes in homeschooling, he will not force it upon you.:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karenciavo Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 Like Mindy said, come to us :001_smile: My dh would rather our children be in school, period. I've learned to look other places for support. The hardest thing about that is I feel like I am not sharing a big part of my life with the most important person in my life, which basically stinks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 My husband is very supportive. However, it is totally my gig and my decision. During difficult times he has said things like "why not just put them in school?" Because his focus is on *me* and my well-being. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenny in Atl Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 Yup, what they all said... don't think I could add much more. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 But, where's my homeschooling advocate when I need him? Where's the shoulder to cry on who will pat my back and tell me that it'll be okay. That I *can* do this and that homeschooling really is the best thing for *our* family. He feels this way when I do, but he's so easily swayed, kwim? He really is ALL for homeschooling and brags about me and what I do to his friends. Why can't he just say "NO. Woman, you must homeschool." :lol::lol::lol: They respond much better if you tell them what to say. Eg: "Tell me I look great in this skirt," "tell me I'm so brilliant I can keep up with this homeschooling gig." The only one that doesn't work, in my experience, is "tell me I'm a better cook than your mother." ;) Rosie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dayle in Guatemala Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 Not much to add, except to say, "You can do it!":hurray::party::thumbup: It's okay to admit to him that you're in over your head right now with everything that's happening in life, but, you need him to tell you he believes you can do this. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doran Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 ...he wants to do what he thinks you want. And, maybe...just maybe...his quick acceptance of your remark made in frustration has been the perfect thing. If he'd said, "Oh, hon' you can do this. I really think it's best for us and our kids," you might have bristled, thinking he hadn't really HEARD your frustration. At least this way, he's got you swinging back towards wanting to stick with what you both already know is wonderful. Almost as if he's called your bluff. ;) Breathe. Again. Once more. Now let something go until life is more normal. Maybe even two things. You need not beat yourself up to be Supermom while trying to do all the other. And, maybe ask dh to make some decisions for you? Feel better~! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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