4ofus Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 Recently I was backed into a corner with a family member (not physically). After years of boundry issues it was kinda the final straw. I said my piece & probably more. After years of smiling & nodding & feeling so frustrated with this person, so manipulated, so taken for granted, so leeched off of.....I guess I was at my breaking point. So now there is a damaged relationship. (Not my dh btw) I wish... I wish... I wish... Not to do it over, differently, b/c I probably wouldn't. I'd been doing it differently & ineffectively for too many years. I wish it didn't have to come to that at all. I wish there wasn't such a ripple effect. Where no more people than just the 2 of us would be affected. But it's not like that & I'm sad for how it's all panning out right now. My children will notice an absence this season & I feel sad for them. And I feel sad that it came to this at all. I can't understand why some folks only respond to...the hardest words to hear. Anything gentler just gets ... pushed to the side. I'm just sad tonight. And not sure what to say when the kids ask why 'family regular' isn't here for this holiday :(. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 Ack. It's a rotten feeling, I know. Have you been able to speak with your dh about this? Get a different perspective? Sometimes it's time to set a boundary and stick to it even if it hurts. It's just always so much worse when it comes to a boiling point and everything literally bubbles over the top. I'd give it some time to calm down. Perhaps this will be a chance to build a new relationship with this person based on healthier principles and behaviors. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommy22alyns Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 :grouphug: I'm sorry. I get it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
8circles Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 Im going through a similar situation. It sucks. Im sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GraciebytheBay Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 That really stinks. I know what you mean - even though it probably needed to be said, that doesn't mean you're instantly relieved of that burden. I find that in my situation (similar to yours), I do get sad from time to time just thinking of how it could have been and what was missed. On the other hand, I also find that certain occasions are much less stressful and I get to the end of the day feeling much less stressed than before. I hope your holidays are beautiful, full of appreciation forAND from all you choose to spend them with! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 I get it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
4ofus Posted November 20, 2012 Author Share Posted November 20, 2012 Y'all are sweet. Thanks for the :grouphug: . I know my boys are going to be so bummed & ask me with puppy dog eyes "why?" "doesn't she want to see us?" Just stab a knife in my heart already!! Of course she does. She doesn't want to see ME, she's nervous & hurt & uncomfortable. We invited her to T-giving today, because it was the right thing to do. She declined after stating she didn't think she'd feel comfortable. I completely respect that & in fact, it's probably the most calm, mature thing I've ever heard come from her. So, maybe, in time, things will be better. Better than they were & better than they are. I can hope. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: I'm sorry you're sad, but it sounds like you did the right thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Desert Rat Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 I'm sorry. I do get it. My dh finally let his mom have it. While it was warranted and needed to be said, the fallout from it is not what we wanted. We both felt light and relieved at first. A couple days have passed and now he's upset. I just wish she could be a nice person and stay out of her children's relationships (dh and his estranged sister). I'm upset because family means everything to me and life is so dang short. Why waste it being mad? And for the second year in a row, MIL is pulling this around the holidays. Sorry. I get it and it stinks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
somo_chickenlady Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 I'm so sorry. I get it also. I had a fall out with my parents and sister (the issue involved all of them, my whole immediate family) about 2 months ago, and this will be the first year that we won't be spending the holidays with them, and while it was my decision, I am also sad. It's strange to feel relief that we won't have to deal with them b/c they make the holidays so stressful, but I'm sad at the same time. My children will notice an absence this season & I feel sad for them. And I feel sad that it came to this at all. I can't understand why some folks only respond to...the hardest words to hear. Yep, totally get that. It was the same with my family. I feel bad that my son has nothing to do with this, and he loves his grandparents, but he has to suffer the consequenses of what happened as well as I do. I just hope they can look past what is going on between us, and at least send him gifts for Christmas, b/c it will break his heart if they don't, even though he is old enough to understand what is going on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Donna Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 :grouphug: We have a similar situation this year. I have been wishing to just skip to January. I am so sad for my kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thescrappyhomeschooler Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 OP- Sorry for what you're going through. :grouphug: Reported spam. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 I'm sorry. Perhaps you can be rather honest with your children, and tell them that your ----whomever had been behaving badly for a long time, and when you discussed it with him or her, you had to use very strong words so they would listen, and that sometimes, because we love a person so much, we say those strong words to help them want to change. It's like when you are sick, and you have to take very yucky medicine to get all better. Sometimes people need to hear things they don't want to so they can know better and do better. Maybe tell them soandso needs a break now, to let those "medicine words" begin to heal the heart. Give them big hugs and tell them it isn't their fault at all, because they might feel they did something to cause the rift, even if that's totally ridiculous. Better to give them an explanation of some sort, even if it isn't detailed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KayT Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 Very sorry for what you are going through. It seems so many of us are. :grouphug: for all of us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
4ofus Posted November 20, 2012 Author Share Posted November 20, 2012 I'm sorry. Perhaps you can be rather honest with your children, and tell them that your ----whomever had been behaving badly for a long time, and when you discussed it with him or her, you had to use very strong words so they would listen, and that sometimes, because we love a person so much, we say those strong words to help them want to change. It's like when you are sick, and you have to take very yucky medicine to get all better. Sometimes people need to hear things they don't want to so they can know better and do better. Maybe tell them soandso needs a break now, to let those "medicine words" begin to heal the heart. Give them big hugs and tell them it isn't their fault at all, because they might feel they did something to cause the rift, even if that's totally ridiculous. Better to give them an explanation of some sort, even if it isn't detailed. I'm spending much time thinking of this today as we prepare for the holiday Thursday. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyinTN Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
celticmom Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jrn Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 :grouphug: I totally get it. It's hard explaining it to the kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saddlemomma Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 I also know exactly what you mean. I had a falling out with my oldest dd. She's in college and doing the "college thing" and got hurt. I had constantly warned her about her behavior and the repercussions of such, but she got extremely nasty to the point where threats against us were made. I was advised to call the state police. Finally it all came to a head and she did get hurt. When she called to tell me, I was totally sympathetic, but when she tried to shift the blame, I told her she had to take personal responsibility for what had happened as well. That did it. She went totally postal on me, and we didn't speak for a year. It was a painful year, but I had to stand my ground and not give her the comfort of blaming someone else for her actions which caused the problem. After a year, she began calling again for little things. Then one day she called, crying, wanting to know why I couldn't side with her. I calmly explained why. She still doesn't accept personal responsibility, but at least she has accepted the fact that I have my personal convictions (Biblical) that I won't compromise even for her. She now respects that, thankfully, and understands why I can't agree with her. We now talk semi-regularly on the phone. The sad part of all this was we started counseling her in her teens about certain behavior, how it would be perceived, how it could lead to dangerous situations, and the devastating harm those actions could cause. Unfortunately she did everything we advised her not to do. In today's society, nothing is off limits and there is no such thing as personal responsibility. Just hang in there. Eventually, she will come around. It may take a while (a year or more even), but she will return. It's important right now to give space and let healing begin. You did the right thing inviting her to Thanksgiving and let her decline graciously. Keep all your conversations kind and heartfelt, but remain firm in your convictions. Hopefully, she will come to understand that you have your own opinions and way of doing things which may not agree with hers, but still be right for you. Best wishes and Happy Thanksgiving! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Retired Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 I know how you feel. I finally let my sibling and parents know I would stop being everyones "dumping person" I came from disfunctional home. I've been the parent to my sibling and my mom since I was a little girl. I've had this since of responsiblity for all of them all my life. They don't do anything for me but call when they need advise or help. I just told them all I'm done. I'm 42 and no longer taking care of all of them. I'm not gonna host a family dinner trying to keep them all together. I've been the glue to this family and also to my dh's family. We both have selfish families. WE are the oldest and all we every wanted was a close family. We both have worked hard for 20 + years wanting it happen. We've decided to just be done. This thursday i'm not cooking for 20 + people which i've been doing for 20 years. We are going to the movies and a nice Chinese restaurant with our boys. I'm at at another stage of life. My oldest in college he will in the future bring some young women home. My youngest will one day. I'm just gonna try my very best to keep my boys and their future families close. I've t raise them with love, acceptance, security. I'm concentrating on my boys bond and praying that any future dil will love and accept us and want to be family with my dh and I. We've both are surely do. Sorry getting tearry. Happy Thanksgiving to all of you that have less than ideal dream family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LND1218 Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 That's hard. I am sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
4ofus Posted November 20, 2012 Author Share Posted November 20, 2012 Kids are ridiculously perceptive. I casually said "Hey guys, let's have a quick talk. We talked to **** yesterday & invited her to T-giving & she has other plans this year." "Did you guys have an argument?" "Well, we did." "What did you argue about?" "I'm not going to have that conversation with you." "Because it's not our business?" "Right. Just know that she loves you & will see you soon." "Okay, so she's an adult & can make other plans if she wants right? It's not our place to get all bothered by it, right?" "Right" "So, does she really have other plans, or is she mad at you?" "IDK. Maybe both. Her feelings are hurt right now." "Okay, so there's no rule that says she HAS to come, so what's the big deal?" "Um, no big deal, just wanted to let you know so you wouldn't be surprised." THE END The world through the lens of a child....is such a beautiful thing :). I am heartened by them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 I know how you feel. I finally let my sibling and parents know I would stop being everyones "dumping person" I came from disfunctional home. I've been the parent to my sibling and my mom since I was a little girl. I've had this since of responsiblity for all of them all my life. They don't do anything for me but call when they need advise or help. I just told them all I'm done. I'm 42 and no longer taking care of all of them. I'm not gonna host a family dinner trying to keep them all together. I've been the glue to this family and also to my dh's family. We both have selfish families. WE are the oldest and all we every wanted was a close family. We both have worked hard for 20 + years wanting it happen. We've decided to just be done. This thursday i'm not cooking for 20 + people which i've been doing for 20 years. We are going to the movies and a nice Chinese restaurant with our boys. I'm at at another stage of life. My oldest in college he will in the future bring some young women home. My youngest will one day. I'm just gonna try my very best to keep my boys and their future families close. I've t raise them with love, acceptance, security. I'm concentrating on my boys bond and praying that any future dil will love and accept us and want to be family with my dh and I. We've both are surely do. Sorry getting tearry. Happy Thanksgiving to all of you that have less than ideal dream family. Right there withya. I decided this year to stop being the glue as well. I stayed connected with the family culture because of issues related to two who were dear to me who were dying. They have passed on now, and I cannot take the selfishness and the sheer junior-high mean behavior anymore. I also cannot handle being the one blamed for every unhappiness in their lives. No big declarations from us, just a fading away. When asked about our holidays I smilingly say we're spending them with my in-laws. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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