So, I figured, as vocal as I've been, it's only fair to share.

[Jenny in Florida]

I gave up last week.

 

For the last few years, we've tried a long list of approaches, trying to find a way for me to teach my son that would both allow him to learn and allow us to get along reasonably well. We've tried everything from almost unschooling to highly structured, rigorous, Mom-led school. Every single plan has left us in exactly the same place, him not learning, me feeling frustrated, our relationship reduced to the adversarial. For him, it becomes a game, trying to manipulate the situation (and me) so as to comply with my demands as little as possible.

 

It all came to a head (again) last week. We'd had a bad few weeks, school wise, and have been trying to get back on track, unsuccessfully. On Wednesday, I was feeling lousy with the remnants of a cold, and just looking at the list of stuff he was supposed to accomplish last week and still hadn't half finished made me cranky. We're going on a family vacation on Tuesday, and I was dreading heading into that with a lot of school-related negativity. One of the things on his list was a field trip to a local museum, intended as a follow-up to some art history reading. So, I decided we needed a fun day and maybe just to get out of the house and that we'd just go ahead with the field trip.

 

He didn't seem especially enthusiastic, but after I sat him down and asked him, straight up, to be honest with me about whether he'd like to go, that it wouldn't hurt my feelings if he said no or if he felt he'd be more productive at home, he assured me he did want to go.

 

On the way there, I tried to draw him into a conversation about the artist and style displayed in the museum's exhibits, but he claimed to be reading the museum guide I'd printed for him. Once we got through the door and started browsing the galleries, I tried repeatedly to get him to talk about what we were seeing, to make any connections at all to the reading he told me he'd done, even just to discuss the signs we stood in front of and read while on site. Finally, stopped in front of a plaque listing the essential characteristics of the artist's style, I watched him read the information, then asked him to pick any object in the gallery and tell me how it reflected the listed characteristics. He pointed at an object, and mentioned one of the characteristics. I acknowledged the point, then said I saw all of the characteristics in that particular piece, making it a good choice for discussion. I asked him to continue. He looked at me blankly. I prompted for the other listed characteristics. He said they weren't there, he didn't see any of them. I selected another object and started pointing out what I saw as evidence of the listed characteristics. He argued every one, saying he didn't agree. I asked why, and he shrugged, "I just don't agree."

 

You get the point.

 

After three very similar exchanges, I broke and said it had clearly been a mistake to come that day and we should go home.

 

He claimed to be mystified as to why I was upset.

 

We left a few minutes later, and I came home and e-mailed my husband that I'm done.

 

We had already been doing some research, trying to make a plan for next year, since my son has been agitating for a way to make time in his life for more dance training. Once my husband was home that evening, the three of us talked about the options we'd turned up, but my husband felt strongly that it was not appropriate for the rest of the family to make the sacrifices necessary for my son to transfer into one of the private programs he wants just because he is not cooperative at home. (It would require me getting a job to pay the tuition, which would also require his big sister to learn to drive and for us to acquire a third vehicle.)

 

So, after everything I've said about outsourcing not being necessary, about how my son learns better with me sitting on him than he does for other people, how it's perfectly possible to teach high school without a bunch of outside help . . . we're enrolling him entirely in outside classes as of the Monday after Thanksgiving. We're going mostly with FLVS, which has been less than a success with the last few courses we've tried, because it's easy and free to us. I honestly expect him to learn very little, and it's not the educational experience I wanted for him. But I just have to stop.

 

We're requiring him to maintain a B average in order to continue participating in outside activities. I know perfectly well this means he'll game the system enough to get exactly those grades and no more, and that he'll focus entirely on grades and not at all on actually learning. But, it was this or public school, which wouldn't be any better for this particular kid in this particular situation.

 

So, there it is, my full confession.

 

I'm actually okay with it. Yes, I'm sad. Yes, I'm mourning the education he won't get and the relationship we don't have. Yes, I wish it were different. But those are, I think, reasonable feelings to have under the circumstances.

 

And now I'm off to figure out how to update my signature in the new board format . . .

[C_l_e_0..Q_c]

Ah, I noticed from your signature that your son is 14. I wanted to kill mine last year, at the same age. We were getting nowhere fast. He's 15 now (obviously a year later) and I can already see a difference. Not all the time, but it's starting to show. Get through the 14yo with an intact relationship, and you're set. Just save your relationship. You won't always be his teacher, but you'll always be his mother.

[PollyOR]

He won't know what he's given up until the opportunity is gone. That is the hard part of growing up. I'm singing to the choir, right?

 

:grouphug: Take care of yourself. :grouphug:

[Jenny in Florida]

Ah, I noticed from your signature that your son is 14. I wanted to kill mine last year, at the same age. We were getting nowhere fast. He's 15 now (obviously a year later) and I can already see a difference. Not all the time, but it's starting to show. Get through the 14yo with an intact relationship, and you're set. Just save your relationship. You won't always be his teacher, but you'll always be his mother.

 

 

He is 14, but this isn't new. We've been circling on the same path for a good two or three years, now.

 

Thank you for the kind words.

[Jenny in Florida]

He won't know what he's given up until the opportunity is gone. That is the hard part of growing up. I'm singing to the choir, right?

 

:grouphug: Take care of yourself. :grouphug:

 

 

Truthfully, I can't imagine he'll care.

 

But thank you for the hugs. I can use them.

[elegantlion]

:grouphug: I'm sorry. It will be okay, whatever "it" becomes, it will be okay.

[Gwen in VA]

Jenny,

 

Reading your post took me back to the war days when my older son was 14. Those days were tough on both of us, and remembering them is more like remembering a nightmare. He is 22 now, and he is a nice young man, but the battles we fought.....

 

I respect your decision to outsource -- at least for our family, that was the key to happy homeschooling in high school.

 

And I respect the limits you have decided on -- that certain things (like full-time job etc.) are just not options for your family at this point.

 

I hope that this new phase turns out much better than you hope.

 

Now the decision is made. Relax and enjoy your Thanksgiving!

[creekland]

:grouphug: This is not all that unlike why my youngest is in public school. I still wish I could get him to care more, but we've told him many times that if he doesn't do more than our school offers, he won't be heading to a college he wants to go to (won't be able to afford it). Hubby and I talk about it many times. What we want for him (and what he SAYS he wants) and what he's willing to work for are two different things. There's only so much we can do. I feel badly, but that's just the way it is.

 

The "good" thing is he's thriving socially at the ps. The bad thing is he's suffering academically comparatively.

 

I feel your pain. I hope things go well for your family. :grouphug:

[Deb in NZ]

My 14yo is in PS as well. Like others have said, he's doing well socially, but academically I feel he would get more at home IF he was willing to work for me. At that age the teen must want to HS or it doesn't work. My ds has learned to work the system, but that is a necessary skill in today's world if they want to succeed in PS or later in the workplace :tongue_smilie: . I've enjoyed your posts over the years, so don't be a stranger. There are a few of us who will always be HSers at heart, no matter if we still school at home.

 

Blessings,

Deb

[Luckymama]

Oh Jenny, I'm so sorry for all the conflict :grouphug: Teen boys are such stinkers.

[regentrude]

:grouphug: Jenny, I am sorry it came to this, because I know how much effort and enthusiasm you had invested in his homeschooling and how difficult this decision must have been for you. I have always admired your way of thinking outside the box and trying to engage him by unconventional approaches. I hope that the virtual school works out so that you can have a better relatinship now that school is out of the dynamic. Sending best wishes - and please don't go away!

[mazakaal]

My 14yo is in PS as well. Like others have said, he's doing well socially, but academically I feel he would get more at home IF he was willing to work for me. At that age the teen must want to HS or it doesn't work. My ds has learned to work the system, but that is a necessary skill in today's world if they want to succeed in PS or later in the workplace :tongue_smilie: . I've enjoyed your posts over the years, so don't be a stranger. There are a few of us who will always be HSers at heart, no matter if we still school at home.

 

Blessings,

Deb

 

 

This sounds exactly like my 16yo who is in ps. He just didn't want to learn from me at home. After trying everything I could think of with the homeschool materials that I liked, I finally tried SOS just to take me out of the equation; it was a flop like everything else, and we finally put him in ps when he was 13. He did well socially, but didn't learn a lot. He learned how to work the system and get just good enough grades to get into the program that he wanted to be in. It was very discouraging for me because I knew that he was a bright boy and could do so much better, but I couldn't force him to learn. He's doing well now, enjoying the sport and performance excellence course that he's taking in college (the UK equivalent to 11th and 12th grade), and when I spoke with his tutor last week, he said that he's doing well with his work.

 

So hopefully, Jenny, that will encourage you a bit. Even if they don't get the education that we would like them to get, they can still do well in the things they're interested in. I wish that FLVS was available to us. I hope it works out for your ds. :grouphug:

[kewb]

No need to beat yourself up over the decision. Obviously a lot of thought and family discussion went into deciding what is the best course of action. My son is 14 and most days I seem to be battling the urge to give him some serious smackdown. This is one more step on the path to adulthood for your son. He will learn something from it and as a pp stated-you are his mother for life. That relationship is the most important.

[Sunshine State Sue]

What we want for him (and what he SAYS he wants) and what he's willing to work for are two different things. There's only so much we can do.

I tell people these days that my son and I get along really well as long as I don't speak to him. Ds really wanted to homeschool before 9th grade, but he fought me so much that I knew that I needed to outsource heavily (for several reasons). I only taught 2 classes in 9th grade and he's been completely outsourced since then. He wanted to try PS in 10th grade and he's been taking 2 classes there each year. HIs Spanish teacher told him each year that he could have been moved to the next year's class. The PS classes are a joke.

 

OTOH, I see much progress. So far, ds has earned all As at CC. His Honors Composition teacher told him that he's the only one who had turned in every assignment. He's turned in enough chapter summaries (16) in his Biology class for extra credit that it might just make his high B an A. His Honors American Government teacher told him that he was 1 of 4 students amongst his 4 Gov't classes that got an A on his research paper. I was nervous signing him up for 4 classes at CC this year with 2 of them being Honors classes. But, he was confident and has done well as far as I can tell before official grades are available.

 

I've had to let go. He'll never get TWTM history in high school. He'll never get TWTM literature in high school. He'll get a fraction of each. Not as much as I'd like. It's a great theory, but I've had to work with the child I got. I suspect that you have done far more than I.

 

:grouphug:

[Miss Marple]

Flexibility - that has been the key to success in our schooling as well as in our home life. Things I never anticipated doing became things that brought success and joy. My best laid plans have all been revamped :glare: You've laid an excellent, firm foundation for your son. He will grow...hopefully flourish...in this new plan. And hopefully your relationship together will become more of what you desire. I was lamenting the changing landscape of our family the other day and feeling a little lost as to what my role is now. My husband pegged it well...I'm the family concierge :)

[Unicorn.]

First, :grouphug: . Second, I remember your struggles w/ your son from past posts, and frankly he reminds me a lot of my now 16 yo ds. We started seriously butting heads and having issues when he was in 6th grade. He wasn't respecting me as a parent or a teacher. I know everyone says putting him in school won't fix the relationship, but it has. Is he, or it, perfect now? No, but nothing is, and it is so much better. He is taking full responsibility for his school (almost- I still have to cajole a bit), caring about his work/grades, and tells me and his sisters now how great of a teacher I was, and respects me so much more. He actually thanks me frequently for the things we learned at home. But he is is thriving at public school. It was the best decision for him. No regrets other than selfish ones because I miss having my boy at home. Give it time, and hopefully you will both feel better, and your relationship will heal too. :grouphug:

[FloridaLisa]

Is this just a Mars/Venus thing? You may see more in this situation than I do, but I can tell you most of my boys (I've had 4 in the teen stages so far) would not join in this kind of touch-feely conversation. They would be happy to go to the museum; but they would take in the experience differently than I would. My teen boys get rowdy when I try to incorporate hymn worship, give one line answers during most morning Bible studies, and have been known to disrupt a perfectly fun family game night with their uber-competition. But, really? They're good boys! Just when I want to utterly give up, they make the most pointed comments during our book reading or initiate helping a younger brother make the most amazing derby car.

 

I hope this is a good step for you both. Teen boys are hard!

Lisa

[lifesadream83]

He is 14, but this isn't new. We've been circling on the same path for a good two or three years, now.

 

Thank you for the kind words.

 

You sure its not just puberty?

[ktgrok]

Hugs! I know we've talked about some of the similarities between our boys, and I definitely get the one word answers. In fact, 2 years ago we had almost exactly the same conversation at what is probably the same art museum. Luckily it seems he has moved past that phase, but man it was ugly. Also, luckily, he very much has things he wants to do each afternoon, so I can use that for leverage with him. He isn't doing half as much as I would like, but more than he was, and enough to get by. (what I mean is he reads, but doesn't discuss much, or do papers on what he read, etc.) And yes, it is a fight EVERY day almost. But, with him, I know what he was like when he had another teacher and it was just as bad, so whatever. If this will help, then do it. Hope it works, he is a good kid!

[morningcoffee]

:grouphug: I can see myself in your situation in a few years ....

[kroe1]

Are you sure your son isn't my DD in disguise?

 

Seriously, however, the dancing/singing/acting I just can't seem to take away from DD. I don't know if it's knowing she'll never have this time in her life again to have fun or am I living a life through her. My DD should have already had all privileges taken away, but I take away everything but the performing arts instead. Since performing is the only thing she cares about, my punishments are ineffective. What are your thoughts on this and how are you handling this?

 

By the way, I've enjoyed your posts also and have related to much of what you post. Big hugs to you on your decision. I don't think I'm too far behind.

 

:grouphug:

[readinmom]

Completely feel your comments. We should all start a club! MOSS (mothers of slacking sons). DS 16 has returned to ps this year. He is very social, athletic, but academically he is eating a hole in my stomach. Clearly our wants for his future and what he wants are on different wave lengths. I was just reading an article about ADD and the effects of puberty on the teenage boy's brain. It discussed how boys that were academically successful can fall apart when they hit middle school age/early high school due to increased hormones and conflicting brain activity. Described both my dss to a "T".

[readinmom]

I also should have added that where else would we feel comfortable enough to share this? I know that I can always find others here that have had similar experiences.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Completely feel your comments. We should all start a club! MOSS (mothers of slacking sons). DS 16 has returned to ps this year. He is very social, athletic, but academically he is eating a hole in my stomach. Clearly our wants for his future and what he wants are on different wave lengths. I was just reading an article about ADD and the effects of puberty on the teenage boy's brain. It discussed how boys that were academically successful can fall apart when they hit middle school age/early high school due to increased hormones and conflicting brain activity. Described both my dss to a "T".

 

 

OK - this just described ds15. Do you know what article it was?

[readinmom]

No, sorry. It was a link listed on a blog...I'll see if I can find it.

[speedmom4]

I'm really glad you posted this. I am incredibly impressed with your persistence at trying to find the right solution for your son. Homeschooling isn't all unicorns and sunflowers. It's hard, hard work and it takes every bit of emotional and intellectual energy to do it for the long haul. I think you made the best decision you could for your son.

 

I can't wait for the day when my kids are grown and they look and me and ask, "I can't believe you didn't strangle me!" I don't know if that will ever happen but I sure hope it does!

 

God Bless,

Elise in NC

[SkateLeft]

You're making the choice that you feel is best for him right now, and it's clearly a tough one for you. I admire your courage!

 

I put my ADD 14 year old in a virtual charter school this year. She's a short track speedskater, and just wants to live on the ice. When she's not skating, she's running (a Turkey Day 5K this morning, actually!), rollerblading or cycling. We've struggled over the years with getting her to get things done, and it's tough because I know she's bright.

 

I think she's gotten more done academically in this first quarter of 9th grade than in the last two years. There's something about the virtual school that works for her, in a way that homeschooling wasn't. Our relationship has improved, dramatically, now that I'm not the one sitting on her to get work done. It's not the ideal for me, but it's definitely the right choice for her.

 

I hope that your experience ends up being similarly positive!

[Barbara H]

Thank you for sharing - lots of parents have been there and it is good that this is talked about this. I hope the virtual school works and that it takes you out of that daily conflict. It is really smart that you set a clear and reasonable limit from the outset about what is expected. Crossing my fingers that his sensible self will win out and he'll do what he needs to do.