If your kid contradicts everything,...

[----]

.

[clarkacademy]

I wish I knew because my son is just like that and it drives me crazy. It leads to screaming fights with the other kids and it is just getting to a point no one wants to be around him.

 

Yesterday we had a fieldtrip. The kids needed to pack their lunch. He refused saying he wasn't going to be hungry and he wasn't packing it. OK fine whatever. Lunchtime he wants to know where his juice is? Well, it was suppose to be in your lunch where is your lunch? He says to that just because I didn't want to pack my lunch doesn't mean you had to make me go thirsty.

 

Then he continues to complain about being hungry and thirsty and why couldn't I be a good mom and bring him a drink? I wanted to kill him. We left after the first part of the fieldtrip. The other kids were so mad but he would not stop.

[BrookValley.]

I dunno, but my son does this constantly, too. :glare: And he's only five. amana, your truck vs. wind example is exactly the type of thing my son argues with me all. day. long. He'd argue that the sky was purple, not blue. I try not to give it weight and just let it go, ignore him, but it's hard because it truly drives me up the wall!

[Haiku]

Ignore her. Rinse and repeat. Don't point out how you were correct or give her snarky advice such as, "Maybe tomorrow you will ..."

 

Just ignore her.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

When ds2 gets like that (often), I start reciting "Mary, Mary, quite contrary . . .", and he says, "Moo-ooom" in an exasperated voice and goes away from me.

[----]

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[Sara in AZ]

I bet Mrs. Piggle Wiggle would have a cure for this. There must be some magic jelly beans or something. ;)

[----]

.

[go_go_gadget]

My son is going through an obtuse phase ("Wash the dishes that are in the sink, please." "They're not *in* the sink; they're *on* the sink!" :001_rolleyes: ), and for the past few days we squirt him with a water bottle like a naughty cat on a kitchen counter when he tries it. It's working! :D

[Garga]

I know your pain.

[BlsdMama]

How do you get them to stop? One of my dds is driving me completely bonkers lately. Mostly, it's over small ridiculous things.

 

These are just silly examples from this morning:

 

Ds -What's that sound?

Me- it's a truck.

Dd- no, it's wind. (Then, when nobody pays any attention, because it clearly a truck-) Mom, it was the wind. Why doesn't anyone believe me? It was the wind!

 

Me- Goodbye, girls. Have fun at school.

Dd- It's not good-bye forever. It should be "see you later".

 

Me- please put your homework in your folder and put it in your backpack.

Dd- I did it last night.

Me- no, it's on the counter.

Dd- why did you take it out of my bag? :001_huh:

 

Me- it's below freezing today, you'll probably want your hats and gloves.

(Later at the bus stop, ds, 1 dd, and myself are bundled in hats and gloves, and other dd has been reminded.)

Dd- it's soooooo cold today!

Me- maybe tomorrow you'll choose to put on your hat and gloves.

Dd- why didn't you tell me too? You want me to freeze?!?! What kind of mom are you? :glare:

 

This goes on all morning, afternoon, evening, and weekend. :banghead:

 

 

I'd stop letting them talk.

 

And, no, I'm not kidding.

 

When they can be polite, encouraging, sweet, THEN they can talk. 'Til then, nope.

 

"Close your mouth, press your lips together and the sound will stop coming. Now, think. Should you have said that? Was it polite or encouraging? Did it NEED to be said? No? Then you ought not have said it. Think for a moment. What SHOULD you have said?"

 

DS speaks with an intelligent answer.

 

"Yes, see? You knew what to say."

 

Or, alternatively, he says something "cute" or utterly thoughtless or shows that he is clueless as to what should have been appropriate:

 

"Okay, you didn't know what was appropriate. Then you ought to have let it pass. Not everything needs corrected or commented on. You COULD have said "X" or "Y" or you could have chosen to be silent. Any of those would have been wise choices."

 

Our children need to be aware that just because it comes to their MIND doesn't mean we need to open our mouths and let it OUT.

 

Thinking twice, speaking once is a skill most adults haven't learned. We need to love our children enough to let them practice this skill ABUNDANTLY as children.

 

I find "do-overs" to be a useful tool unless they are speaking with flagrant disregard to the rule. Do-overs are great practice unless you see them flaunting that as well. Then, no speaking.

 

And I would treat it as any other form of disrespect and/or disobedience.

Edited October 17, 2012 by BlsdMama

[Storm Bay]

How do you get them to stop? One of my dds is driving me completely bonkers lately. Mostly, it's over small ridiculous things.

 

 

This goes on all morning, afternoon, evening, and weekend. :banghead:

 

 

 

There are different ways to handle this depending on your child and how their doing this. Some dc do this for years and years and years (not all, though). I don't know how old your dc are, so it's hard to say what I'd do, but here are some things I've done.

 

1. eg of a rule constantly argued with My rule has always been that they go to the bathroom before bed or before we leave the house. They would argue that they didn't have to go, so I switched my rule to "You have to sit on the toilet"--when they were little I'd say "in case there's surprise p**." Mine all had to keep the door open since I had one that would get into things she shouldn't. Eventually I had one who kept their pants on & sat on the lid.

 

2. Coats, hats & other cold weather apparel. Since dc aren't going to get sick from the cold, my rule was that they had to take them, but they didn't have to wear them.

 

3. Where I could, I used humour, but it rarely got them to do what I wanted since they saw right through it.

 

4. An eg of a teen like this. I wanted my eldest to get two immunizations when she was 16 and she argued, so I told her I wouldn't pick up her MD form so that she could do spring track and left it at that. It took her a few weeks to come around (she was hoping I'd forget), and finally asked if they could do all 3 immunizations the MD had mentioned at once. I said only 2, and when she went, it didn't even hurt--she was thinking of finger pricks & also of how much needles hurt her when she was little. She got the booster for one of them without complaint.

 

5. As for contradictions that are outright lies, as some of the eg's given have been, I've handled them differently according to the dc, the situation & their tone of voice. If they're being silly/joking then we have fun with it unless they are being smart alecky after being rude.

 

6. There is no point in arguing with very young children over things like insisting that "wood" is a colour.

Edited October 17, 2012 by Karin

[ErinE]

Outside the immediate conversation, dh or I talk to the offending child. We nicely discuss what it sounds like when this happens. I've also used "Is it true, kind, or necessary?" When the child contradicts again, "Is it true, kind, or necessary" becomes a substitute for "zip it."

[Julie Smith]

There are different ways to handle this depending on your child and how their doing this. Some dc do this for years and years and years (not all, though). I don't know how old your dc are, so it's hard to say what I'd do, but here are some things I've done.

 

1. eg of a rule constantly argued with My rule has always been that they go to the bathroom before bed or before we leave the house. They would argue that they didn't have to go, so I switched my rule to "You have to sit on the toilet"--when they were little I'd say "in case there's surprise p**." Mine all had to keep the door open since I had one that would get into things she shouldn't. Eventually I had one who kept their pants on & sat on the lid.

 

 

I like your words for that, surprise pee. When my boys were very little I would have them try, "Just to make me happy." or "I'm not willing to leave till you try". And we had a few surprise pees.

 

For clothes. If you complain about being cold, I get to pick what you wear outside of the house since you aren't able to make good decisions yet.

[Remudamom]

It's disrespectful and I would treat it as such.

[celticmom]

I know your pain.

 

:iagree::lurk5:I am watching this thread for ideas.

[Haiku]

 

"Close your mouth, press your lips together and the sound will stop coming. Now, think. Should you have said that? Was it polite or encouraging? Did it NEED to be said? No? Then you ought not have said it. Think for a moment. What SHOULD you have said?"

 

DS speaks with an intelligent answer.

 

"Yes, see? You knew what to say."

 

 

 

To me, this is engaging with the child, which is exactly what the child is seeking. The OP didn't mention how old her dd is. Depending on the age of the child the problem could be because the child has immature conversation skills or it could be because the child is just testing the defiance waters. Either way, the child is seeking engagement. My advice is not to give it.

 

The OP can find ways to engage her child in appropriate conversations but needn't feed into inappropriate bids for attention.

 

Tara

[Tranquility7]

I'd stop letting them talk.

 

And, no, I'm not kidding.

 

<snip>

 

I find "do-overs" to be a useful tool unless they are speaking with flagrant disregard to the rule. Do-overs are great practice unless you see them flaunting that as well. Then, no speaking.

 

And I would treat it as any other form of disrespect and/or disobedience.

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

 

I remember as a young adult reading "old-fashioned" books and encountering adults telling children to "stop contradicting". I always thought that was so weird; after all, sometimes the child is right! But now I understand what was meant by it, and the wisdom in instructing children that way. Contradicting others is a tricky thing, and children who do it (whether contradicting adults or other kids) often end up sounding rude, disrespectful, obnoxious, and argumentative (even if that wasn't their original intent, and even if they are right!).

 

There is plenty of time for young adults to learn how to disagree with others in a way that is respectful (and even helpful). For children, however, I find it is often easier to simply adopt the "don't contradict" rule. If it is something important, they can ask me or DH about it in private.

[Haiku]

Although I would be annoyed about the part where she claims you didn't warn her. But either way it's not a big deal to me.

 

I tend to get sucked into my kids' problems. I am a pleaser and I want things to be smooth and people to be happy with me. I have to make a conscious effort not to make their problems mine. If I told my kid to wear a coat and s/he didn't and complained to me, I would make a real effort not to own that problem. I'd have to use every ounce of resolve not to remind my kid or say I told you so, but in the end I believe that letting my kids own their own problems is the best route.

 

My dd18 and I had a HUGE, massive, epic battle over the coat issue about 6 months after we adopted her. I stood firm and eventually she stopped blaming me. (She never started wearing an appropriate coat, mind you! She just stopped blaming me for her coldness.)

 

All this to say, Wendy, I agree with you. :)

 

Tara

[goldberry]

When I read the examples of th OP, my first reaction was "attention seeking". She seems to be intentionally baiting trying to get a response. In that case, I would ignore rather than addressing. The ignoring only works though if you can control the steam coming from the top of your head and appear totally unphased and disinterested!

 

I had a similar problem with DD at around 10-11 though, where she was constantly correcting her dad and me. It was only when she thought something was actually wrong, (not like the wind example). I let it go for awhile, then explained about politeness and whether it was actually necessary to go around correcting other people. Also that there were other ways of doing it even if it WAS necessary in some circumstances. That's different though from what your DD is doing, where she keeps pushing just to get a response.

Edited October 17, 2012 by coloradoperkins

[Julie in CA]

It's disrespectful and I would treat it as such.

:iagree:

 

It's disrespect, and imo, it really only gets worse when ignored. I think of it in the same way as teaching my dc other necessary skills, such as brushing their teeth. I would not just ignore it if they decided to routinely not brush their teeth, and I don't ignore disrespect either. It's not just for my sake, so that my life with them will be easier, it's so that responding to people that way does not become an ingrained habit--a habit that will only cause them problems in the future.

[Farrar]

Ignore her. Rinse and repeat. Don't point out how you were correct or give her snarky advice such as, "Maybe tomorrow you will ..."

 

Just ignore her.

 

:iagree:

 

Just don't let it get to you. I know, easier said than done, right? But other than the accusations at you, it's mostly just kind of funny. Maybe she'll grow up to be a lawyer or a politician. :D

[LostSurprise]

I have one like that.

 

What works best is time and experience on their part and humor on mine.

 

There are different types though. If the statement is rude, I call them on it (calmly). One year he was doing 'rewinds' on everything. I would show him where the rudeness was and then have him re-work it until it was socially acceptable. Sometimes I would have to model the correct way to go and he would have to parrot it until he picked up the form. I also explained why certain ways are acceptable and some not. No, he was not usually happy about this, or obedient. One year I had to add the feature of 5-10min earlier bedtime for every time he would not work with me.

 

Sometimes its so ridiculous (like the 'why did you take it out of my folder?' statement) that I would use humor ("I'm sure it flew right over here" or "I know how valuable that folder is, I'm sure spies are after it" or some similar statement) to point out how silly it was. In a nice way.

 

Sometimes I would just ignore complaints because this kind of personality needs to bang their own head against their own walls. Advice isn't as helpful.

 

Lastly, "take responsibility for your own actions" should be on a placard in my kitchen, I've said it so much. I've cut the boys short numerous times when they've worked on blame shifting. Part of this is making responsibility look good. People who know how to take responsibility often have fewer repercussions. They get control of the consequences (for instance, they choose how to fix the situation and don't get told what they need to do or "punished"). A lot of this comes with experience, but you have to model it and walk them through it many times.

[forty-two]

Just read the OP. I *was* that child :tongue_smilie:. And it stemmed from an intense desire for everything to be accurate along with a desire to be right. I wasn't doing it to get attention or to deliberately cause problems (although in retrospect I can see how it looked that way). In any case, my parents were patient with me, and I grew out of it (after several *years* of gentle talks about how different doesn't necessarily mean wrong ;)).

 

Anyway, my way of dealing with child-me now would be to follow my mom's advice for polite-acknowledgment-yet-not-agreeing-or-disagreeing-with-someone's-statement (because I was generally too quick to say "you're wrong"): "You might be right."

 

It's almost always true and it doesn't invite argument - it doesn't require you to say you agree when you don't or require them to agree when they don't - and it's a useful phrase in life.

 

And I would, at neutral moments, channel my dad and try to teach my dc what he taught me about different mostly being different and not wrong, and how 90% of arguments don't really matter and it is better to save your energy and reputation for the 10% that do.

 

And I would try to teach that by example, too - by not trying to win every one of those arguments my child started ;). My parents choose not to engage most of those - and what better way to teach the importance of choosing your battles and respecting others than by doing it yourself :). They were able to let those little things go when I couldn't - a living, breathing example of what maturity looks like compared to immaturity - and a powerful example that has stuck with me.

[Belacqua]

 

6. There is no point in arguing with very young children over things like insisting that "wood" is a colour.

 

This truly should be on a poster in every pediatrician's office. Would have saved me hours of angst.

 

 

I had a similar problem with DD at around 10-11 though, where she was constantly correcting her dad and me. It was only when she thought something was actually wrong, (not like the wind example). I let it go for awhile, then explained about politeness and whether it was actually necessary to go around correcting other people. Also that there were other ways of doing it even if it WAS necessary in some circumstances. That's different though from what your DD is doing, where she keeps pushing just to get a response.

 

I do think some kids are so black and white about the world they just get twitchy in the face of an inaccuracy, even if it's some trivial thing. And not just kids: every day I pass my neighbors' sign that tells us they are The Anderson's, and every day I want to take an axe to it. Sometimes, I guess, we just have to tell our kids (and ourselves) that right as we may be, nobody likes a pedantic pain the the bahookie.

[Storm Bay]

:iagree:

 

It's disrespect, and imo, it really only gets worse when ignored. I think of it in the same way as teaching my dc other necessary skills, such as brushing their teeth. I would not just ignore it if they decided to routinely not brush their teeth, and I don't ignore disrespect either.

That is the case with my dc, especially since one of mine used to lie constantly to avoid getting in trouble. She rarely lies now as we have done a lot of teaching & used to give out 2 consequences rather than one if she did something wrong and then lied about it (one for each infraction to teach her to tell the truth, & I learned to make the one for lying bigger than the other one), but still will at times if she thinks she's going to get into big trouble. Thankfully, her getting into trouble doesn't involve sneaking out/drugs/going out at night, and hopefully never will.

 

But there have been times when my dc have done it with humour, and I've treated those times as the jokes they were intended to be.

Just read the OP. I *was* that child :tongue_smilie:. And it stemmed from an intense desire for everything to be accurate along with a desire to be right. I wasn't doing it to get attention or to deliberately cause problems (although in retrospect I can see how it looked that way).

I was like that, too. My parents used to say that I loved to argue, but I hated arguing--I just wanted to be accurate & right. Thankfully, I learned not to be that way, but I was a slow learner in that category due to family dynamics.

This truly should be on a poster in every pediatrician's office. Would have saved me hours of angst.

 

.

 

:iagree: With my first one, who is very challenging & argued all of the time, I made the mistake of correcting her and pushing the point (I was living in a state of exhaustion being pregnant & having a toddler who would scream in her sleep, so wasn't particularly savvy enough). Thankfully, someone pointed it out to me before my second one did the same thing. That time I think I corrected her calmly once & then just let her consider it a colour. Ds never did that, but he wasn't interested in learning colours until a much older age (my eldest started learning them at 18 months because she made it obvious she wanted to, & I had no idea that wasn't normal until my second one came along.)