Quiver0f10 Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 Without going into details and without bashing my DH, how do I get over something promised a long time ago and something that I have been allowed to think was going to happen and then to be told it is never going to happen? I do understand his point of view and at times actually agree with him, yet at the same time my dreams and desires are crushed. I am not sure how I move on from the issue at hand. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TraceyS/FL Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 :grouphug: I have no answers...... but keep working thru it - i just glare at mine ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JFSinIL Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 You have to somehow put it into perspective....and realize that you are not going to feel content for a while. It is ok to grieve for whatever it is you believed was to be, that now is not to be (sorry for poor grammar there!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 :grouphug::grouphug: I'm sorry about your disappointment. IMO, there is truly a mourning phase to lost dreams. (CC): "Be still and know that I am God" somehow keeps going through my mind. HE may have something different and better in store for you. Without going into details and without bashing my DH, how do I get over something promised a long time ago and something that I have been allowed to think was going to happen and then to be told it is never going to happen? I do understand his point of view and at times actually agree with him, yet at the same time my dreams and desires are crushed. I am not sure how I move on from the issue at hand. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathleen in VA Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 This is a toughie. I have had to cope with this over several things through the years - some real biggies from my perspective - and it is never easy. The same issues will keep popping up rearing their ugly heads, as it were, and I have to fight the temptation to be angry and resentful all over again. The only thing that has worked for me consistently is to try to trust that God has everything in control and that somehow, someway, He is protecting me from harm by keeping whatever it is I want out of my reach. I think of those folks who have won the lottery (don't we all think that would be great?) and then their lives fall apart and their children turn out badly and that sort of thing. In other words, what we wish for might turn out to be not such a good thing after all. Psalm 84:11-12 "For the LORD God is a sun and shield: the LORD will give grace and glory: no good thing will he withhold from them that walk uprightly. O LORD of hosts, blessed is the man that trusteth in thee." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 I think you can be sad about it for a while and then move on, or you can hang on to it, become bitter, and slowly destroy your relationship/family. Best to move on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pam "SFSOM" in TN Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 Without going into details and without bashing my DH, how do I get over something promised a long time ago and something that I have been allowed to think was going to happen and then to be told it is never going to happen? I do understand his point of view and at times actually agree with him, yet at the same time my dreams and desires are crushed. I am not sure how I move on from the issue at hand. Being deliberately thankful is the only thing that gets me through stuff like that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 I think of those folks who have won the lottery (don't we all think that would be great?) and then their lives fall apart and their children turn out badly and that sort of thing. In other words, what we wish for might turn out to be not such a good thing after all. "There are more tears shed by answered prayers than unanswered ones". I'd get a new dream. Chin up and look about at the bustle of your house. Surely there is something or someone who could use your attention. That's my way of coping. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Camy-7 boybarians 1 lady Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 ((((Jean)))). "The Lord is the one who goes ahead of you. He will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed." Deureronomy 31:8 I speak the above truth and ask the Lord to give me strength to accept it. I recently experienced a desert of 7 years, Jean, over a disappointment and trial. The Lord has now given me perspective on those long years in that dry place. I know He will do the same for you. Love, Camy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LauraGB Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 Without knowing why he doesn't plan to deliver, its hard to say. I have a "say-one-thing-do-another" kind of feller. I would assume he knows your current feelings about said disappointment? If so, allow yourself time to get mad, hand out a few choice words if need be. I say this because if you don't and you harbor those true feelings of disappointment - well, its just so not good in the long run. Perhaps you find a way to make an alternative to what you had been looking forward to possible? Sorry you're deflated :sad: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doran Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 Without going into details and without bashing my DH, how do I get over something promised a long time ago and something that I have been allowed to think was going to happen and then to be told it is never going to happen? I do understand his point of view and at times actually agree with him, yet at the same time my dreams and desires are crushed. I am not sure how I move on from the issue at hand. I love my guy. But, he often makes promises he has no intention or no ability to keep. Sometimes those are big things. More often, they're really piddly. It hurts to lose both, though I am learning to temper his promises with a dose of what I know to be reality. I would suggest a couple of ways for you to deal with this recent blow: First, don't assume that the subject is sealed and no longer open for discussion. If this is something you've dreamed of for a long time -- something you really feel will fulfill you in ways that nothing else can -- then you need to keep the discussion alive. Maybe there is a different way to approach the dream. Or a variation of the dream that will allow both of you to "have it your way" to some degree. I would make time to tell my husband that I was deeply hurt by the recent news and that I'm not ready to give up yet. Continue to work the topic for awhile. Sometimes a perfect compromise will rise up out of what looks like a hopeless end. Second, if you determine that it is truly is over, that his pronouncement is accurate and that you've got to let go of something you've been holding to for a long time, then it's time to think about what the dream meant to you. What was it that made it so appealing? Would you still feel attached to the idea five years from now? Is your husband aware of the great loss you've suffered so that he can offer you the needed support, or are you stuffing that in and trying to be the strong, compliant wife? Sometimes, we just want to be acknowledged for our sacrifice, we want our partners or friends to realize what we've given up, and we have to come to terms with it ourselves. I do this by working over every detail in my head and aloud. Then, I start lining up all the other ways I am useful and fulfilled, and try to focus on those. Mostly, know that in time the initial feelings will fade a bit, won't be so raw. You'll be able to see it more objectively instead of feeling like someone shot you in the heart. I'm sorry you're hurting. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenny in Atl Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 Being deliberately thankful is the only thing that gets me through stuff like that. :iagree: This is what keeps me going. I have so many lost dreams, I've stopped counting, and learned to be thankful for all the wonderful bits that have come true. That glass will not be half full any longer!!!! At least I tell myself that daily, till one day I will actually see it as such. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tracey in TX Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 Sometimes our desires to please our spouse gets in the way of what we're actually capable of doing. I've promised DH things which I really thought were possible, but just couldn't do. It breaks my heart to not follow through, just my heart was in the right place. (((Hugs))):grouphug: Can you find a new dream to hold on to that might be more feasible? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sharon in SC Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 I deal with major disappointment by standing on this promise from God's Word: "The Lord *will*fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O Lord, endures forever." Psalm 138:8 (((((Jean)))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stacie Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 If it's an extremely emotional issue for you, don't underestimate the power of a good foot-stomping, screeching hissy fit. :smash: It can help get the strong emotional reactions and feelings out, and prepare you to work through the hurt. I'll pray for your healing on the issue. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WTMindy Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I'm sorry, Quiver!!!! In these types of situations, I pray. I ask God to change him or to change me. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quiver0f10 Posted July 15, 2008 Author Share Posted July 15, 2008 Thank you everyone. :grouphug: I really appreciate each reply and am saving them to reread when I am feeling down. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quiver0f10 Posted July 15, 2008 Author Share Posted July 15, 2008 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:I'm sorry, Quiver!!!! In these types of situations, I pray. I ask God to change him or to change me. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I did pray this morning that God either change my DH's heart or take away MY desire and give me peace over it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sdWTMer Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 Once again, I agree with Remudamom's advice. Don't let bitterness creep in, although I know how easily that it can. I'm so sorry that you're going through this! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 Being married so long to and basically growing up with my dh, I have had my share of major disappointments. One is so big, that if I allow myself to think of it, I can become overwhelmed with rage pretty quickly. What finally helped me is to understand that he did not set about to deliberately deceive me on the issue. And that it has made his life into something he didn't particular want as well. Also, it helps to remember in my head the specific things I've done in 25 years that have hurt or disappointed dh. I know *I* hope for (and mostly get) forgiveness and understanding from him, so I want to extend the same to him. On smaller issues, I try to count my blessings. For instance, I'm really really resentful that I only have one child and I mostly blame dh for this because he wouldn't agree to have children until we were 33 and 34 and now I am 43 and we only have one. When I think of my dreams growing up, several children was always one of the BIG things I wanted. So I'm ticked about it at times. I mean really really angry at dh over this. However, I see the vulnerability in my dh that makes it so difficult to deliberately plan a child and that softens my heart toward him. And I also think of all the childless women (not by choice) out there and I am so thankful to have my precious son. And finally, I do some mind exercises where I let the resentment and disappointment wash over and off of my body. It is actually physically painful for me, but if I walk myself mentally through that several times I can feel the burden of resentment lifting. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nmoira Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 IMHO, a good cry is the place to start. It's easier to let go of something after a "grief period." DH is bad for promising something and then, if it's no longer feasible, avoiding the issue until it comes out of its own accord. The worst for me is that he doesn't tell me right away... I'm a big girl and used to disappointment... I can take it. What I resent is the time wasted hoping or planning on something that is never going to come to pass. KWIM? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 Without going into details and without bashing my DH, how do I get over something promised a long time ago and something that I have been allowed to think was going to happen and then to be told it is never going to happen? I do understand his point of view and at times actually agree with him, yet at the same time my dreams and desires are crushed. I am not sure how I move on from the issue at hand. Hm. I think it sort of depends on what it was and why he said it's never going to happen. How I would react would also depend upon how this information was delivered to me. If he was contrite and explained why he felt the problems were too great to overcome that's one thing. If he just off-hand said "look, I've made a decision and this isn't happening" I would feel differently. However, in general, I'd say it's the same as the way you get over most other major fallouts in a marriage. There are no perfect people, there are no perfect relationships. We all make mistakes, sometimes they are on the verge of being deal-breakers. I do think we owe it to ourselves and our relationships to say something like "this really hurts because I have counted on this for a long time. It shakes my faith in you and our relationship. I just want you to understand that it's not something I can easily get past, it will take some time and I need some patience and tolerance from you while I get past this." My husband and I had an issue recently (and to be honest would be small potatoes to many people but it was very important to *me*) that shook my faith in our relationship to its core. I really had to explain how strongly I felt about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SnowWhite Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 I have had some of these feelings, specifically with regard to my dh and his stance on more children (I think we *may* eke one more out, but it's a hard issue for him). What has helped is to look at all the things dh has given me: Two wonderful sons, a roof over our heads in a safe neighborhead, safe transportation, the privilege of staying at home to educate our children (which is not a necessity in his mind). Then I think, how is it fair for *me* to get most/all of my wishes and desires, while he foots the bill? And while many of his wishes and desires are foregone? So that has helped me a lot. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ereks mom Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 ...when I have been disappointed like that (and in 28 years of marriage, it HAS happened! ;)), we've always talked it out. Sometimes we have to hash it out and then re-hash later on. Talking about it with someone else sometimes helped, but eventually I realized that the best thing to do was to be honest and open with dh. The only real advice that I can give you is that you absolutely should not just keep it to yourself. That will only make it fester, and resentment and bitterness will take root. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom2GirlsTX Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 I think you can be sad about it for a while and then move on, or you can hang on to it, become bitter, and slowly destroy your relationship/family. Best to move on. :iagree: I agree, grieve the loss and move on. I mean really move on, don't harbor a grudge or bad feelings, it will hurt you, him, and everyone. You have suffered a big loss, cry, grieve and move on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quiver0f10 Posted July 15, 2008 Author Share Posted July 15, 2008 Thanks again ladies. I really do appreciate the replies! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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