Audrey Posted September 5, 2012 Share Posted September 5, 2012 I didnt' use the word "about". You did. In in post #219 of the thread, in a response to me, you said (bolded mine): Obviously, a husband/wife relationship is a broad one, encompassing family and children and larger societal connections. But, in a way...YES, absolutely it is about sex. When you are married, you have sex only with your husband, not just random, attractive men with whom you might form "an amazing connection." That's kind of part of the deal you made when you take vows. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted September 5, 2012 Share Posted September 5, 2012 You did. In in post #219 of the thread, in a response to me, you said (bolded mine): Sorry. I was quoting your quote and didn't go back to the original post and reread. At any rate, it doesn't change my answer. My apologies, though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SailorMom Posted September 5, 2012 Share Posted September 5, 2012 I've been married to my DH for almost 20 years (our anniversary is in January) and out s*x life is better than ever. While it may not be the most important aspect of our marriage, it certainly is in the top 3. I don't say this because of the physical enjoyment alone - but because we really connect in an almost transcendental way that I can't imagine sharing with anyone else. I would also be crushed if DH shared it with anyone else. I can't imagine what our marriage would become if that was the case. I suppose some may only have ever had "just s*x" and not what I am describing, and don't know what they are missing, and therefore don't see this husband's betrayal in the same way that I do. No one in particular here - I haven't even read the posts all that closely :) Or perhaps some believe there is a time and place for "just s*x" and truly making love, and that the two can be with different people. Personally I think it needs to all be between the one couple. Dh and I certainly have "just s*x" sometimes, but still - it could never be with anyone else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennifer3141 Posted September 5, 2012 Share Posted September 5, 2012 I've been married to my DH for almost 20 years (our anniversary is in January) and out s*x life is better than ever. While it may not be the most important aspect of our marriage, it certainly is in the top 3. I don't say this because of the physical enjoyment alone - but because we really connect in an almost transcendental way that I can't imagine sharing with anyone else. I would also be crushed if DH shared it with anyone else. I can't imagine what our marriage would become if that was the case.I suppose some may only have ever had "just s*x" and not what I am describing, and don't know what they are missing, and therefore don't see this husband's betrayal in the same way that I do. No one in particular here - I haven't even read the posts all that closely :) Or perhaps some believe there is a time and place for "just s*x" and truly making love, and that the two can be with different people. Personally I think it needs to all be between the one couple. Dh and I certainly have "just s*x" sometimes, but still - it could never be with anyone else. :iagree::iagree::iagree: Although I've only been with DH for 15 years. But wow. The "Tea" is better now than when we were dating, although I will grant that it is less frequent as and doesn't occur at random times throughout the day as often. I have two small people in the house who would look like this: :blink::blink: DH and I have watched a friend of his try to make this work and DH was very understanding when I wrote these people out of our lives. We don't do their parties or holiday functions and our children are not allowed to play with theirs anymore, etc. So this is now simply a coworker of DH's he sees only at work but this guy has DESTROYED his life. Of course, this was something the DH wanted and the wife went along in a desperate attempt to save the relationship. Except someone else walked into her life who is 1000 times better than her DH so now she is dumping DH and taking him for everything he's got. Oh, and when money tightened up, "sister wife 2" hit the road mostly. She goes "home" when she needs something from the guy. Go figure. It might work for the hippy dippy, ultra liberal college kids but it doesn't work with an established tradtional marriage of several years with a couple of children. It ALWAYS seems to come down to, "sister wives," doesn't it? You rarely have any women emailing their family saying, "Hey, one man isn't cutting it for us anymore so Poof! Now Bob is my husband too." Isn't it odd that there are sister wives but no brother husbands? I have a marvelous DH but he doesn't do house chores. I have to pay a maintenance guy to do the most basic house stuff. It's almost laughable. But I've never once thought, "Hey! I need a new husband to add to the mix." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted September 5, 2012 Share Posted September 5, 2012 Yeah, but if your dh brought your best friend home with him one afternoon and told you that he'd asked her to move in and be his "new wife," wouldn't you have a bit of a problem with that? :confused: :lol: I don't think that is what happened here, and I'd burst out laughing if hubby said that. He's not that energetic, and likes a quiet home. I do, too. He'd be welcome to move out. I'm not these people, I don't know what they've been through or thought, but I have been around the block enough to know human lives have an extremely wide variation in arrangements. I think it is fine if you are repulsed or mistrustful. But, even if I felt that, I wouldn't judge them nor arrest them. Too many other clearly evil things out there to fight. Eyes on the prize and all that: think of human trafficking or person who opens fire on the public. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NotSoObvious Posted September 5, 2012 Share Posted September 5, 2012 Ex Utah Mormon family here.... When I was a teacher, we had several children of two different polygamous families in our school. One was very stereotypical down to the hairstyle and one...you would never know (until they went on Oprah). Guess what? Great families. Sweet kids. No more issues than you or I. The moms were three of the nicest parents I ever worked with. My daughter was best friends with one of the kids. Colorado City? Been there. BAD! Many mainstream polygamous families? Sweet, loving, and committed. To each his own. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted September 5, 2012 Share Posted September 5, 2012 Hey, I'm in my 50's and have been married 23 years. You don't have to tell me about the normal ebb and flow of a long relationship. But the last part is just ridiculous. No one needs to "knaw their knuckles night after night." There ARE ways to resolve inequities that do not involve adultery. But see, there is NO reward. Being secretive just gets you more stress and more problems. "Can a man play with fire and not be burned?" Regarding the latter, many MANY people in history have not been in lifelong monogamous marriages and still have families and love and produced good and great things. As to the former, I would love your answer to these people. I have sat in room with weeping men and women, people who are torn up over the conflict of a spouse they love but who has reached the age or point where physical intimacy is not possible or desired and the passionate longing for physical closeness (and the other side comes in to, weeping for something to get their libido back, to be able to give to the spouse they love what he or she craves, or even just to keep the spouse, who is going to look elsewhere). Meditation? Marijuana? "Faking it"? Cold showers? Love potions? If you have a fix for this you could pen a bestseller and never do laundry again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Marple Posted September 5, 2012 Share Posted September 5, 2012 You know the old saying: men won't buy the cow when they get the cream for free? Well, maybe she wants the cow but not the cream. I am thinking of a cash cow, a security cow, an I have my comfy life and am glad to have him occupied somewhere else cow. This is my first thought. Maybe wife #1 is perfectly happy not to have to entertain dh anymore :D Perhaps it's an easier life for her now. And woman #2 is happy for the security. And dh is just happy to have it all :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melinda in VT Posted September 5, 2012 Share Posted September 5, 2012 It might work for the hippy dippy, ultra liberal college kids but it doesn't work with an established tradtional marriage of several years with a couple of children. It ALWAYS seems to come down to, "sister wives," doesn't it? You rarely have any women emailing their family saying, "Hey, one man isn't cutting it for us anymore so Poof! Now Bob is my husband too." Isn't it odd that there are sister wives but no brother husbands? I have a marvelous DH but he doesn't do house chores. I have to pay a maintenance guy to do the most basic house stuff. It's almost laughable. But I've never once thought, "Hey! I need a new husband to add to the mix." Well, in the polyamorous family I know, it was the wife who instigated the move to polyamory. Now, everyone is still living with their legal spouse, so it's different than the situation in the OP, but I can verify that it is not always the husband behind changes like this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted September 5, 2012 Share Posted September 5, 2012 Although I've only been with DH for 15 years. Same for me except I've been with my dh almost 23 years, married almost 20But wow. The "Tea" is better now than when we were dating, although I will grant that it is less frequent as and doesn't occur at random times throughout the day as often. I have two small people in the house who would look like this: :blink::blink: DH and I have watched a friend of his try to make this work and DH was very understanding when I wrote these people out of our lives. We don't do their parties or holiday functions and our children are not allowed to play with theirs anymore, etc. So this is now simply a coworker of DH's he sees only at work but this guy has DESTROYED his life. It ALWAYS seems to come down to, "sister wives," doesn't it? You rarely have any women emailing their family saying, "Hey, one man isn't cutting it for us anymore so Poof! Now Bob is my husband too." Isn't it odd that there are sister wives but no brother husbands? I have a marvelous DH but he doesn't do house chores. I have to pay a maintenance guy to do the most basic house stuff. It's almost laughable. But I've never once thought, "Hey! I need a new husband to add to the mix." Isn't that the truth. And this is exactly how I would react as well. I don't want my kids thinking that is a healthy or acceptable lifestyle. I hate drama too, so it's a double whammy for me. I wouldn't have a huge fight about it or call names. I'd just stop or reduce contact. They could call or write, but I refuse to even discuss that stuff. IME, refusing to participate or condone it usually means they don't call or write. And yes, my dh travels all the time. I'd really appreciate a second husband, preferably a lot richer and who likes fixing up the house. And diapers. I have no patience for a man who won't change diapers.:D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted September 5, 2012 Share Posted September 5, 2012 I'll even add that I can understand that some people, men or women, can be content doing without sex. Fine. Sex is part of marriage. It's not all about sex though. Even if we never had sex again, I'd be furious and betrayed if my dh had sex with someone else. In fact, intimate or emotional betrayal can happen even without sex. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennifer3141 Posted September 5, 2012 Share Posted September 5, 2012 I'll even add that I can understand that some people, men or women, can be content doing without sex. Fine. Sex is part of marriage. It's not all about sex though. Even if we never had sex again, I'd be furious and betrayed if my dh had sex with someone else. In fact, intimate or emotional betrayal can happen even without sex. :iagree::iagree: I would never want to be in the camp that is ok without sex but more power to them. But I also agree there can be a betrayal of the marriage without sex involved at all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommy22alyns Posted September 5, 2012 Share Posted September 5, 2012 My brother seems to have buried his head in the sand and is letting SIL handle all. He just can't handle it. (imagine female swoon with hand on forehead.) Oh, the poor guy. :glare: Didn't he MAKE this mess? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carrie75 Posted September 5, 2012 Share Posted September 5, 2012 Colorado City? Been there. BAD!To each his own. What??? Why were you there? and what did you see? I have such a facination, I need to know more, if you don't mind sharing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted September 5, 2012 Share Posted September 5, 2012 This is my first thought. Maybe wife #1 is perfectly happy not to have to entertain dh anymore :D Perhaps it's an easier life for her now. And woman #2 is happy for the security. And dh is just happy to have it all :D Well, if she doesn't want to "entertain" her dh any more, why not just divorce the guy and remain close friends? Why add a "roommate with benefits," when the only one getting the benefits is the dh? For crying out loud, the SIL has to work to help support this other woman. How pathetic is that? If it were my dh, I would kick him to the curb. And that's assuming I didn't kill him first. No, wait. If I decided against the whole killing thing, I'd call my attorney, get all of my legal and financial ducks in a row, and then I'd kick him to the curb. (And if I ever pulled that kind of stunt on him, I would fully expect him to do the exact same thing to me.) IMO, I can't imagine anyone who wasn't raised in a culture for whom multiple spouses is the norm, would tolerate something like this, unless they were terribly lacking in self-worth and self-confidence. Most women would not decide, after 20 years of marriage, that a new live-in lover for the dh would somehow improve the marital relationship. Can you imagine the competition and jealousy and hurt feelings??? I cannot even begin to fathom what's going on in Robin's SIL's head. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IsabelC Posted September 5, 2012 Share Posted September 5, 2012 I would love to show this whole thread to the people concerned and get their comments. Does that make me a bad person? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted September 5, 2012 Share Posted September 5, 2012 I would love to show this whole thread to the people concerned and get their comments. Does that make me a bad person? Can I go with you when you do it? :D (We can go out for cupcakes afterward.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SailorMom Posted September 5, 2012 Share Posted September 5, 2012 IMO, I can't imagine anyone who wasn't raised in a culture for whom multiple spouses is the norm, would tolerate something like this, unless they were terribly lacking in self-worth and self-confidence. Most women would not decide, after 20 years of marriage, that a new live-in lover for the dh would somehow improve the marital relationship. Can you imagine the competition and jealousy and hurt feelings??? I cannot even begin to fathom what's going on in Robin's SIL's head. :iagree: I think this is a key point. I can see how (perhaps) a polygamous marriage can work in families where that is the normal culture and the marriages started with the expectation of multiples wives. However, this is not the case in this instance.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ibbygirl Posted September 5, 2012 Share Posted September 5, 2012 IMO, I can't imagine anyone who wasn't raised in a culture for whom multiple spouses is the norm, would tolerate something like this, unless they were terribly lacking in self-worth and self-confidence. Most women would not decide, after 20 years of marriage, that a new live-in lover for the dh would somehow improve the marital relationship. Can you imagine the competition and jealousy and hurt feelings??? I cannot even begin to fathom what's going on in Robin's SIL's head. :iagree::iagree::iagree: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted September 5, 2012 Share Posted September 5, 2012 I can imagine it, Cat. Scares the bejubbles out of me. Women can be such vicious creatures to each other. *shudder* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Marple Posted September 5, 2012 Share Posted September 5, 2012 :iagree:I think this is a key point. I can see how (perhaps) a polygamous marriage can work in families where that is the normal culture and the marriages started with the expectation of multiples wives. However, this is not the case in this instance.... I think our western culture has undergone some major changes in the past few decades. I'm no longer surprised anymore by what folks will come up with. FWIW, I do have a definite problem with all this and would not be "open" minded :D Yeah, it's one of the ten Thou Shalt Nots - so big problem here. But, I can see that maybe SIL enjoys dh or maybe she's just ambivalent by this time but perhaps dh wants some new kind of nookie or more than she wants to be involved in. All things else are fine and she's OK with sharing :) (Not my idea of ideal, but...maybe I'm just not open minded enough) :tongue_smilie: I've met some strange women in my life...and men... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom2scouts Posted September 5, 2012 Share Posted September 5, 2012 This sounds like one of those stories that ends up as an episode of "Dateline Mystery". Maybe I'm just not very open minded, but there is no way I would be OK with this in my family. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NotSoObvious Posted September 6, 2012 Share Posted September 6, 2012 What??? Why were you there? and what did you see? I have such a facination, I need to know more, if you don't mind sharing. Haha. I had quite the fascination when we moved to Utah, too. We just drove through and it was like stepping back in time. This was before Warren Jeffs was prosecuted. They do some shady stuff down there to avoid paying taxes and they hate having outsiders poking around. Well duh, if you were forcing 13 year olds to marry old men, you definitely wouldn't want outsiders around! There is another community just down the road, Centennial Park, which is supposedly more mild. Still fundamentalists, but apparently not law-breakers. I worry about anyone growing up in complete isolation and being taught to fear the outside world. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IsabelC Posted September 6, 2012 Share Posted September 6, 2012 I just almost spat out my tea and ended up having a coughing fit because I was laughing so much at the thread tags. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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