how would you answer this question

[ProudGrandma]

a situation happens and you disagree with how it was handled (not that any laws were broken or anybody physcially injured), but you would have handled it differently...but then later the person with whom you disagree with asks you if you agree with how it was handled...how would you repsond...if saying you disagreed would start an arguement. Would you just bite your tougue and not say anything...or lie and say they handled it just fine..or would you risk an arguement to stand your ground??

[besroma]

It really depends on what it is about.

[TranquilMind]

It really depends on what it is about.

 

Yes, without facts it is hard to say.

Generally, though, I will say, "Well, I probably would have done X, but I see why you did what you did."

 

Again, depending on what it is.

[bzymom]

Depends how important the issue is, whether the other person's choice impacted me or mine and who the person is, but I would lean toward tactful honesty.

[Ellie]

a situation happens and you disagree with how it was handled (not that any laws were broken or anybody physcially injured), but you would have handled it differently...but then later the person with whom you disagree with asks you if you agree with how it was handled...how would you repsond...if saying you disagreed would start an arguement. Would you just bite your tougue and not say anything...or lie and say they handled it just fine..or would you risk an arguement to stand your ground??

Without more details...

 

I guess it just depends. Does it really matter if you disagree? Is there a moral issue involved? (not necessarily legal, but moral). Is this a common situation with the other person such that you need to "protect" yourself because the same kind of thing is gonna happen again? Certainly, if it isn't true that it wasn't handled well, you can't say that it was.

 

I hate those kinds of situations. :grouphug:

[Karen in CO]

a situation happens and you disagree with how it was handled (not that any laws were broken or anybody physcially injured), but you would have handled it differently...but then later the person with whom you disagree with asks you if you agree with how it was handled...how would you repsond...if saying you disagreed would start an arguement. Would you just bite your tougue and not say anything...or lie and say they handled it just fine..or would you risk an arguement to stand your ground??

 

I neither bite my tongue nor lie; so I'd tell the truth as tactfully as possible. Maybe it's why people really only ask my opinion if they want an honest answer. It is okay to disagree with people and how people handle things. We aren't all the same.

[kalanamak]

I'd say, "Why do you ask?"

IME, when someone asks this, they really don't want to listen, they want to talk.

[ProudGrandma]

OK...let me ask you this question then...when you disagree with your husband about something (not a life altering something), but a discpline something, do you then tell him you disagree, knowing that by disagreeing it might start an arguement? I am trying to figure out how to best handle a dad's way of dealing with things and a mom's way of dealing with things. Often in our home we deal with situations very differently...and I am a control freak and want to be in charge...it doesn't always mean he is wrong...just different. What gets me is that when he asks me "did I handle that right?" or "was I too harsh?" if I say I thought he was too harsh or handled it wrong, then he gets upset. So I feel like I have to be dishonest just to avoid an arguement. The situation this morning: My 12 year is MISERABLE with allergies!! She was excessively whiny about it, but she feels really bad. He got on her case about whining...not acting her age etc. I agree that her whininess wasn't helpful in any way, and that she isn't the only one miserable, etc...but I wouldn't have been so hard on her. SO...is this a typical case of dad's way and mom's way just being different? His way made her cry...my way probably allowed her to continue to be whiny...both ways may no have been the best. This is just one VERY typical way we hadnle things here...and I am needing to know what my response needs to be in order to avoid conflict. I love my husband, he is a FABULOUS dad and husband...but there is this difference of opinion that "gets us" often...and I don't like it.

 

any thoughts for me??

[Dana]

We have those talks privately. Sometimes he's right and I need to rethink how I'm approaching our son; sometimes I'm right and he makes the changes. I'd never not tell him what I thought though. That's a recipe for how to end a marriage IMO.

 

I absolutely wouldn't keep quiet if I disagreed. We would wait until we had privacy to discuss though.

[Trilliums]

I would try to discuss it in general terms. Instead of going through exactly what you think he did wrong (will probably raise bristles) I would generalize the way you think it should be handled.

 

Random example: I find the kids respond better when they are told what to do instead of told what not to do.

 

Parent: Don't yell in the kitchen. = telling them what NOT to do.

 

Parent: Talk quietly in the kitchen or go play in the rec room. = telling them what TO DO.

[LaxMom]

In a case like that I would probably agree that the behavior wasn't acceptable to me, either, and ask if his approach had the outcome he was looking for. If not, then I'd point out there was probably a better way, though I don't necessarily have an idea what that way is.

[ProudGrandma]

I wanted to also add, what if he doesn't ask and you just simply disagree? That might not change your answer...and I agree that talking in private is good, but it still can end up in an arguement becasue I am sort of bull headed...and so is he. So if you don't tell him what you think, then what does your discussion look like?

[ProudGrandma]

I guess if someone could just give me some phrases or sentences that I can use to not put him on the immediate defensive would be helpful. I need to also know how do you decide which things are worth "discussing" and which are just chalked up to differences in partenting styles and differences in gender approach?

[goldberry]

I would (at another time and place condusive to calm discussion) address the issue of him getting annoyed/defensive when you give your opinion. That seems to be the real issue.

 

I would give this incident as an example, and express that you feel he is an amazing and fabulous dad, and that when there are times you would have handled something differently it doesn't mean he handled it badly or that you are criticising him. But that you would like to feel free to express yourself without worrying about him getting upset about it, you're a team, he helps you be a better parent, etc, you help each other.

 

In answer to your original question if it is worth addressing, if he ASKS then you should answer. I wouldn't NOT answer when I was asked.

[Karen in CO]

Oh, It's your dh and about parenting? Well, then. That's a marriage question. You guys need to work that out in private, but if he honestly asks, I still think you should honestly and gently answer. It shouldn't have to be a fight when you disagree. It also sounds like a middle ground and a better allergy remedy are a better solution here.

[Candid]

I'd say, "Why do you ask?"

IME, when someone asks this, they really don't want to listen, they want to talk.

 

:iagree:

[happyhomemaker]

I would (at another time and place condusive to calm discussion) address the issue of him getting annoyed/defensive when you give your opinion. That seems to be the real issue.

 

I would give this incident as an example, and express that you feel he is an amazing and fabulous dad, and that when there are times you would have handled something differently it doesn't mean he handled it badly or that you are criticising him. But that you would like to feel free to express yourself without worrying about him getting upset about it, you're a team, he helps you be a better parent, etc, you help each other.

 

In answer to your original question if it is worth addressing, if he ASKS then you should answer. I wouldn't NOT answer when I was asked.

 

:iagree: It definitely sounds like you need to have a conversation about the way you both discuss parenting situations. He needs to know that you feel reticent about being honest because of the way he reacts to your opinion. Explain that you want an open, honest relationship where you can express your feelings without fear of starting a fight.

 

When he asks you about his parenting, I would first try to get him to talk about how he thinks it went, things that went well and things that didn't, if he thinks something should be changed for next time, etc. before giving your own opinion. That way you start out listening to him and maybe you have some common ground to agree on after that and then you can gently give your opinion.

[justasque]

Gentle answers:

 

Validate the feeling underlying his question. Validate that he's an involved dad who is trying to be a good parent:

 

"You sound frustrated. You're a good dad. I know it's not easy. Kids don't come with user manuals!"

 

Help him to see her feelings:

 

"I know when I have allergies I feel miserable. I'm upset with myself because I can't seem to motivate myself to *do* anything. I just want to know my family loves me, even when I'm feeling grumpy."

 

Share what has worked *for you* (not what he should do):

 

"I've found then when I respond by doing x, it makes the situation worse. When I do y, it helps a bit. I'm still learning though!"

 

Smile, hug.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I agree that asking "Why do you ask" is the place to start even with your dh. Is he noticing things in your child that make him doubt the way he handled it? Is he sensing disapproval from you that he wants to talk about? Asking him the why question puts him in the driver's seat as far as talking this out.

[ThisIsTheDay]

I guess if someone could just give me some phrases or sentences that I can use to not put him on the immediate defensive would be helpful.

 

"I think this is why we balance each other out so nicely. You sometimes hold them to higher standards, and I tend to be the one who lets things maybe slide a bit more."

 

 

I need to also know how do you decide which things are worth "discussing" and which are just chalked up to differences in partenting styles and differences in gender approach?

 

More difficult for me. I can comment often enough to make dh feel that he does nothing right.

 

What seems to work in our family is if one of us waits 30 seconds or so before attempting to diffuse the situation. Dh has gently told me that I need to lighten up on a kid sometimes. If dh's the one overreacting, I'll wait and then remind both of us that that (dc is stressed because of ___), or (dc never has drama, this is not typical), etc. At that point, no matter who's talking, it's really important to keep sentences quiet and brief at my house.

[Little Nyssa]

Ask him:

 

"Why do you ask?"

 

or

 

"Hmm, what do YOU think?"

 

or

 

"Do you think there was a different way you could have handled it?"

 

(this gives him an option to think about what else he could have done, instead of telling him, well I would have done this or that. It puts it back on him without any judgement from you. I bet, if he has a chance to think, his preferred approach would be something closer to yours?)

 

or

 

"Next time she acts like that, what do you think we/you should do?"

 

Of course, you (or me!) have to ask this without any snarkiness.;)

[Denisemomof4]

I don't want to get into an argument so I'm not going to discuss this.

 

I would NOT lie to avoid an argument. The above tells the person you did not agree, don't want to argue, so you won't discuss.

[Mrs Mungo]

I am trying to figure out how to best handle a dad's way of dealing with things and a mom's way of dealing with things.

 

What gets me is that when he asks me "did I handle that right?" or "was I too harsh?" if I say I thought he was too harsh or handled it wrong, then he gets upset. So I feel like I have to be dishonest just to avoid an arguement.

 

I would just say, "well, I would have done THIS, but it is fine for you to handle it your way." He's looking for reassurance that it is okay for him to handle it his way.

[fraidycat]

I would (at another time and place condusive to calm discussion) address the issue of him getting annoyed/defensive when you give your opinion. That seems to be the real issue.

 

I would give this incident as an example, and express that you feel he is an amazing and fabulous dad, and that when there are times you would have handled something differently it doesn't mean he handled it badly or that you are criticising him. But that you would like to feel free to express yourself without worrying about him getting upset about it, you're a team, he helps you be a better parent, etc, you help each other.

 

In answer to your original question if it is worth addressing, if he ASKS then you should answer. I wouldn't NOT answer when I was asked.

 

:iagree::iagree:

 

DH and I went through something similar. The kids don't listen to him as well as they listen to me. He'd get upset. I'd try to "gently let him know" what he could do differently or how he could approach them differently, then he'd get upset at me for "telling him what to do". On and on it went.

 

Finally, we had some discussions - not in the heat of the moment or direct aftermath but in a general private conversation setting about what it was about me/my approach that was making him stonewall me every time I tried to help him have a better relationship with his kids. We talked about the fact that a) *I* am with them 24/7 and he isn't, I've done the whole trial and error thing and picked up a few insights along the way, b) I research online, read books about, and ask other moms/parent for help for different parenting situations and he does not - I *may just* have something to offer, and c) I am ALSO open to pointers/discussion if there is something that he'd like for me to do differently with them.

 

It turned out that DH was taking my "constructive criticism" on certain parenting situations as PERSONAL criticism. Definitely not what I had intended and since we've cleared that up, things are much better. Not perfect, but better.

[Unicorn.]

I haven't read the other 2 pages, but I always tell dh if he handles something poorly, why it wasn't a good thing, and give him an example of what might have been a better way. Sometimes he gets it, and sometimes he doesn't.

Our response to each other if we ask the other one, and they don't agreee, is always "Well, you asked."

[Rivka]

If he asked: "You know what, you were the parent on the ground in that situation, so I'm not going to Monday-morning quarterback you. What do you think - were you happy with how it turned out?"

 

Then after I had spent some time listening to his analysis of the situation, I might say, "Yeah, it's so frustrating when she acts that way. Sometimes it works for me to try XYZ. I don't know if you might want to give that a try."

 

If he didn't ask: "All that whining, ugh! It drives me crazy too. How do you think we should handle it going forward? Did you feel like it helped to come down hard on her?" And then, after listening, "I wonder if it might help to try ABC," or "Sometimes it works for me to try XYZ, what do you think?"

 

My husband is a very involved parent. We know we won't always have the exact same judgment of any given situation, but we make a conscious effort to back each other up. Knowing that we have each other's backs and respect each other's decisions makes it easier to discuss our differences of opinion without anyone getting defensive.