Jean in Newcastle Posted September 2, 2012 Share Posted September 2, 2012 My dd and I have had a rocky relationship. We love each other dearly but have struggled to understand each other. Alte Viste Academy introduced me to a book ("Strong Willed Child or Dreamer" by Dr. Dana Scott Spears and Dr. Ron L. Braund) that has made all the difference. The reason I mention the book is because it has allowed me to understand where dd is coming from and has allowed me to talk to her without her becoming defensive. I've made a number of posts about the bad influence that Neighborhood Diva has made on dd10. Dd 10 was, for a time starting to become a Mean Girl clone. I also posted that after going to camp and seeing that there were really sweet girls out there that were not Mean Girls, dd decided that she wanted to stop being friends with ND (Neighborhood Diva). After talking through with her some different ways to handle it, dd10 chose to just be "busy" every time that ND came over. I offered to let dd use me as an excuse but dd said "No, this is my choice. I will not lie and say that it was yours." (Boy was that convicting to hear! Of course I couldn't continue to ask her to lie and go against her convictions. This is the child that I've had lots of trouble with lying in the past.) Day 1 - ND came over 4x. Day 2 - ND came over 3x in one hour and only stopped because dd said that she'd be busy all day. Day 3 - ND came over 2x. The last time she said "Come over if you ever decide that you aren't too busy to play." Day 4 - We didn't see ND at all. Day 5 (today) - ND was gone until evening. In the evening, ND came over. Ds15 said that dd was busy but when ND insisted on talking to her, he came in to tell dd. Dd went out to talk. ND was mad at being put off and wanted to know what was going on. Dd told her that she didn't think the friendship was healthy and that it was best for them to stop being friends. She still wants to be friendly and is not mad at ND but did not want to play anymore. ND cried a bit and then got angry. Dd stood her ground gently. (You have to know dd. She is on the shy side and is very tenderhearted. This was very difficult for her to do - to stand up to a much more dominant personality.) I am so proud of dd. I feel like she has grown up some with handling this situation. She was true to her ideals and handled the situation bravely and I believe, honorably. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
besroma Posted September 2, 2012 Share Posted September 2, 2012 That is wonderful, and so good to hear. I know you are a proud mama! :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
labst60 Posted September 2, 2012 Share Posted September 2, 2012 Very impressive for a girl that age to handle it with such maturity! good job mom! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justLisa Posted September 2, 2012 Share Posted September 2, 2012 I love it! I followed the issue she was having. I'm glad to hear she could stand her ground and assert herself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jelbe5 Posted September 2, 2012 Share Posted September 2, 2012 Bravo to you and your dd! What a mature way to handle things. I know both you and she have learned a lot. And ND (hopefully) will learn and grow from your daughter's firm but gentle handling of the situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted September 2, 2012 Share Posted September 2, 2012 I know this has been stressing you, and it must feel like a major relief that your daughter made this decision and then stood firm on it. That takes a lot of courage. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ibbygirl Posted September 2, 2012 Share Posted September 2, 2012 That's so awesome Jean! I would be proud too if I were you. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted September 2, 2012 Share Posted September 2, 2012 Wow, I bet this is a life lesson she will carry with her forever. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthwestMom Posted September 2, 2012 Share Posted September 2, 2012 That is a fantastic outcome! Your DD is really growing a good character. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kirch Posted September 2, 2012 Share Posted September 2, 2012 Good for her! :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twilight Woods Posted September 2, 2012 Share Posted September 2, 2012 awesome! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted September 2, 2012 Share Posted September 2, 2012 This is remarkable at age 10. I bet she grew a few inches during that encounter. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GWOB Posted September 2, 2012 Share Posted September 2, 2012 Awwww!!!! That is amazing! Brag away, Momma. You are raising an intelligent, kind, beautiful young lady. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted September 2, 2012 Share Posted September 2, 2012 Impressive!!! You should be very proud!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsBasil Posted September 2, 2012 Share Posted September 2, 2012 That is just wonderful! :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frances Posted September 2, 2012 Share Posted September 2, 2012 Very impressive for a girl that age to handle it with such maturity! good job mom! :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IdahoHomeschooler Posted September 2, 2012 Share Posted September 2, 2012 You should both be proud :) Your dd handled that better than most adults would have! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted September 2, 2012 Share Posted September 2, 2012 :hurray: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alte Veste Academy Posted September 2, 2012 Share Posted September 2, 2012 :001_wub: I can relate. The pride... When I think of how my DD seemed to magically become so mature after I read and applied what I learned from that book, it is humbling. It was there all along. I just needed patience, respect, and lots more quiet on my part to allow it to come out. It's a magical thing to talk with your kids instead of at them or past them or over them, to really hear them and, in gaining their respect and trust, have them strive to hear you as well. So happy for you Jean! And proud right along with you! :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dollhouse Posted September 2, 2012 Share Posted September 2, 2012 What a very courageous daughter you have! And what great parenting on your part to lead her to that point. Well done! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soror Posted September 2, 2012 Share Posted September 2, 2012 Kudos to her, that is a very valuable skill! Also, anyone want to tell me more about this book. Reading the reviews it sounds like my dd5, alot like her. She drives me a bit bonkers. Can you guys tell me more about your girls that fit this profile? I feel like I'm missing something with how to relate to dd and could certainly use any tips there! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted September 2, 2012 Author Share Posted September 2, 2012 Kudos to her, that is a very valuable skill! Also, anyone want to tell me more about this book. Reading the reviews it sounds like my dd5, alot like her. She drives me a bit bonkers. Can you guys tell me more about your girls that fit this profile? I feel like I'm missing something with how to relate to dd and could certainly use any tips there! I would call the personality type a "creative idealist". One of the things the book stresses is that people with this personality type are motivated and influenced by concepts and ideals. Having those ideals understood is very important to them. And if they feel pushed, they will put down their donkey feet and will resist mightily. I'm actually only halfway through the book but it has changed my dynamic with dd from where she felt constantly misunderstood and bull-dozed, into where she feels embraced and encouraged. Well, I'm sure she doesn't feel that way all the time but the change has been dynamic. Ways of communicating with other children who wouldn't have felt misunderstood or bull-dozed at all, just didn't work with dd. Right now I'm at the part where they talk about schooling and learning and I'm hoping this will help me with my insatiable learner who at the same time hates school. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted September 2, 2012 Share Posted September 2, 2012 Awesome :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted September 2, 2012 Share Posted September 2, 2012 :hurray: that is so awesome. I'm not sure I could do that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soror Posted September 2, 2012 Share Posted September 2, 2012 I would call the personality type a "creative idealist". One of the things the book stresses is that people with this personality type are motivated and influenced by concepts and ideals. Having those ideals understood is very important to them. And if they feel pushed, they will put down their donkey feet and will resist mightily. I'm actually only halfway through the book but it has changed my dynamic with dd from where she felt constantly misunderstood and bull-dozed, into where she feels embraced and encouraged. Well, I'm sure she doesn't feel that way all the time but the change has been dynamic. Ways of communicating with other children who wouldn't have felt misunderstood or bull-dozed at all, just didn't work with dd. Right now I'm at the part where they talk about schooling and learning and I'm hoping this will help me with my insatiable learner who at the same time hates school. Thanks for the info, I'll think I'll see if I can get it ILL first. Dd is sooooo incredibly sensitive, she's been the drama queen from birth. She gets offended about everything, is very stubborn, very creative and very empathetic. I've often thought about what can I do to build up her positive aspects and I've seen well that the traditional advice to just be harsher is not productive, trying to be overly empathetic only works her up more, so I try to balance somewhere in the middle. I'm not really requiring much work from dd yet, so I haven't had any issue there, but I'd sure like to avoid it in the future. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SonshineLearner Posted September 2, 2012 Share Posted September 2, 2012 wow :) Very nice! :) This will serve her well in years to come! :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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