"I'm too fat."

[sunnylady303]

My darling, beautiful, joyful 6YO has had to be on steroids more often than not for the last 4 years. It has taken its toll on her in so many ways. But one of them is her weight. She is 47" and weighs 78 pounds. She has a bigger build anyway but not that big. This is completely out of her control and she really is gorgeous. It doesn't help that her sister and best friend are string beans - long and lean.

 

I am at a loss for what to say or how to talk to her about this. It just makes my mama's heart rage at our culture that says she's not as beautiful because she's "fat" and at this disease that makes her be on these medications. She hears it sometimes but sees it when she looks in the mirror and doesn't see what her sister and friends look like. And she can't keep up with them climbing trees and running.

 

Any ideas for how to combat this growing awareness in her? How to help her feel beautiful? She is and it just makes me ache that she might feel otherwise.

 

 

Here's a picture of my girls. I'll probably take it down later.

[sunnylady303]

So many views and no advice? Anyone?

[Erica in OR]

Not a lot of advice, just admiring the photo of your beautiful girls. :001_smile:

 

Probably not a six-year-old sort of explanation, but it's just science—that's part of the effect steroids have. Maybe more of a "we are all different" (the title of a reader we received as a gift) explanation. My two older girls are two years apart and have completely different builds. So even without medication, we are all different and all beautiful in our own ways.

 

Erica in OR

[Soror]

I have little ones myself, so I'm more likely to hear it from the opposite direction (your kids are soooo small). However, I never would guess she weighed that much, she just looks a little baby pudgy to me. I wish I had advice, that would make my heart hurt as well.

[Stacy in NJ]

One way that women feel good about their bodies - even if those bodies don't fit the ideal - is thorough success or satisfaction in a sport or physical activity.

 

If she's not already involved in something, I'd look for something -swimming, soccer, gymnastics - that help her get in touch with her physical abilities.

Edited August 29, 2012 by Stacy in NJ

[Mabeline]

I am so sorry, no 6 yo should say that about herself. I would focus on telling her she is the right size for herself. If you are Christian, let her know that she is exactly how God made her.

Then if she wants to become fitter, exercise with strength and fitness in mind not weight loss. Maybe her run short sprints and chase a ball or ride her bike and watch her improve on her skills. Tell her she can and will get stronger with practice. :grouphug: For some people it just takes a little more work to do what others find easy. Hth

[applethyme]

:grouphug:

I have just the opposite problem. My son is very tiny he is 4years old and 29lbs. When he gets upset I just remind him that everyone is different and that its a boring world where everyone looks the same. When ds can't keep up with sister I remind him that there are things he can do that sister can't. I also keep a few things on hand that are for him only when sister is doing something he is not physically able to.

[emcap]

No advice, but :grouphug: to her. She truly is beautiful and looks like a sweetheart. I love her hair!

[Hwin]

They are both lovely looking girls. I'm sorry she is dealing with those side effects :(

[Home'scool]

I am not sure if any of this will help, but this is what came to mind.

 

I have two daughters. I have taken every opportunity to point out when a girl shows confidence that transcends looks. People will accept what you project. If you project something neutral, or show self-conciousness, they tend to form their own opinions and a lot of times those opinions are based in ignorance.

 

I was watching a show the other night called Lizard Lick Towning (it's a guilty pleasure of mine haha!) There is a woman on there called Big Juicy. She is a large woman. The crew decided to go to the beach for the day, so Big Juicy dragged another woman to the store to buy a bathing suit for herself. My daughter and I were cracking up because she would open the dressing room door, stick out her foot (she was wearing white athletic socks) and yell "BAM!" and then proceed to strut around the store modeling these bathing suits and saying how good she looked.

 

I am no where near as large as this woman, but I know when I try on bathing suits and am in the dressing room with my white athletic socks I cringe at looking in the mirror and would NEVER strut around. I just do NOT have the confidence. However, this woman inspired me to get over myself and realize that I was enjoying her persona and not focusing on specifically how she looked. I would love to spend the day with Big Juicy!

 

My daughters and I had a long conversation about this, and now whenever we need a confidence boost we just say "BAM" and it reminds us how much better it is to project that you are confident than to try to compensate for perceived shortcomings.

 

I always tell my daughters: People are sheeple. If you present them with something, and really sell it, they will accept it without even realizing it.

 

Nothing is more attractive than confidence.

 

If you can keep your eyes open for "role models" that you can point out it can help. When you see a girl doing something admirable, or being funny or likeable, take a moment to say "Does she look like she gives a hoot what her hair looks like right now? Or that she doesn't have a perfect figure? She looks like she is having fun, or doing something awesome, and that is all I am focusing on. What about you?"

[wintermom]

I don't know what the relationship your dd has with your doctor, but if it's good and supportive perhaps you can bring her to see the doctor and have him/her explain that these are physical changes from the medication and are temporary and out of your dd's contol. She isn't doing anything wrong, and she is still beautiful and becoming/staying healthy and strong.

 

I'm sure you've told her all the details, but sometimes information from a well respected outside source can have a positive effect.

 

All the best! Your dds are both adorable!!

[Whereneverever]

:grouphug:

First, I'd give your daughter's doctor a call. If it's a long term medication thing common for her condition, they may have other, older kids who have dealt with this and can commiserate and let her know it's ok.

I'd also see if there is a physical activity she can do. Not to change her weight, but to feel more comfortable in her body.

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[StephanieZ]

Aww, poor kiddo. Both of your daughters are adorable and beautiful.

 

I agree that being involved in a physical sport or similar physical challenge (hiking, etc) is really important for physical self confidence. I read somewhere, early in my parenting journey, to compliment our kids on their physical ABILITIES as opposed to ATTRIBUTES in order to avoid eating disorders/etc, so I have tried to do that as much as possible. I compliment them for being strong, flexible, fast, etc. I can't help but ALSO tell them how adorable and beautiful they are, but I do aim to focus on their abilities instead of appearance as much as possible. (I likewise focus on complimenting them on their EFFORT instead of INTELLIGENCE, in order to foster continued effort instead of perfectionism.)

 

I would also talk to her doctor(s) about any available alternatives the long term steroid use, because, as I am sure you are well aware of the serious side effects of long term steroid use, which go well beyond weight. If you know that the steroid/weight issue will go away in time (going off the steroids in xx months/years), then I would also go ahead and tell your dd that when she can go off the steroids, it will be much easier to maintain a lower weight, and she will naturally drop the excess weight. Of course, if that won't be likely in the near future, then that won't be an option to reassure her with.

 

You could also talk to her doctor(s) about whether there are things (dietary choices, presumably, and/or increased activity) that can help moderate the steroid induced weight gain. Since excess weight can cause health problems of its own, I am sure they'd want to help minimize the steroid induced excess weight as much as is feasible.

 

Indeed, she is beautiful, and her HEALTH is ALWAYS much more important than her weight or appearance, and that is the bottom line. Period.

 

(((hugs)))

[canadianmomtofour]

I don't really have any advice, but I can certainly commiserate with you. My 6 yo has an underactive thyroid and we have been struggling to figure out his Synthroid dose. He is 49" and 83lbs. He too has asked me, "Mommy, why am I fat?" and has made comments about how he shouldn't eat so much because of his weight. He is embarrassed to go swimming because he has to take his shirt off. He is SIX! His three other sibling are rail thin too so he has that comparison on a daily basis. My heart breaks for him. I also find that I get a lot of judgmental stares when we are out in public that he doesn't notice, but I certainly feel it. I have been trying to find that "thing" that he is really good at to build up his confidence. He will be doing indoor soccer this fall and I hope that's it. Anyway, like I said, I have no real advice, but know that someone else "gets it". HTH.

[fairfarmhand]

I am not sure if any of this will help' date=' but this is what came to mind.

 

I have two daughters. I have taken every opportunity to point out when a girl shows confidence that transcends looks. People will accept what you project. If you project something neutral, or show self-conciousness, they tend to form their own opinions and a lot of times those opinions are based in ignorance.

 

I was watching a show the other night called Lizard Lick Towning (it's a guilty pleasure of mine haha!) There is a woman on there called Big Juicy. She is a large woman. The crew decided to go to the beach for the day, so Big Juicy dragged another woman to the store to buy a bathing suit for herself. My daughter and I were cracking up because she would open the dressing room door, stick out her foot (she was wearing white athletic socks) and yell "BAM!" and then proceed to strut around the store modeling these bathing suits and saying how good she looked.

 

I am no where near as large as this woman, but I know when I try on bathing suits and am in the dressing room with my white athletic socks I cringe at looking in the mirror and would NEVER strut around. I just do NOT have the confidence. However, this woman inspired me to get over myself and realize that I was enjoying her persona and not focusing on specifically how she looked. I would love to spend the day with Big Juicy!

 

My daughters and I had a long conversation about this, and now whenever we need a confidence boost we just say "BAM" and it reminds us how much better it is to project that you are confident than to try to compensate for perceived shortcomings.

 

I always tell my daughters: People are sheeple. If you present them with something, and really sell it, they will accept it without even realizing it.

 

Nothing is more attractive than confidence.

 

If you can keep your eyes open for "role models" that you can point out it can help. When you see a girl doing something admirable, or being funny or likeable, take a moment to say "Does she look like she gives a hoot what her hair looks like right now? Or that she doesn't have a perfect figure? She looks like she is having fun, or doing something awesome, and that is all I am focusing on. What about you?"[/quote']

 

I also point out elderly ladies that are just beautiful. Not because of thier looks, but because they have lovely attitudes about life and they are just FUN to be with. Beauty is not only thin and young.

 

Aww, poor kiddo. Both of your daughters are adorable and beautiful.

 

I agree that being involved in a physical sport or similar physical challenge (hiking, etc) is really important for physical self confidence. I read somewhere, early in my parenting journey, to compliment our kids on their physical ABILITIES as opposed to ATTRIBUTES in order to avoid eating disorders/etc, so I have tried to do that as much as possible. I compliment them for being strong, flexible, fast, etc. I can't help but ALSO tell them how adorable and beautiful they are, but I do aim to focus on their abilities instead of appearance as much as possible. (I likewise focus on complimenting them on their EFFORT instead of INTELLIGENCE, in order to foster continued effort instead of perfectionism.)

 

 

(((hugs)))

 

I am most likely to compliment my children on things that they do have control over. Kindness, helpfulness, and cheerfulness (character traits )get more compliments than intelligence or beauty. These things are things over which a person has control, as opposed to "smarts" or looks.

[Denise in Florida]

She is beautiful. I agree with the others that having her Dr (or you) explain about the effects of steriods is very important.

 

She is probably aware of the erronious stereotypes of heavy people being lazy or eating junk food. She might subconciously be judging herself looking for what she is doing wrong. Let her know that this is related to her medical condition and its treatment.

 

Build up her awareness of the beauty within in each person, at whatever leave she perceives that right now.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

One of my dds was on steriods for many years due to ITP (4th grade to 8th grade). My kids were naturally small and slender, (bottom 5% for both height and weight). The steriods gave her chubby checks and a 'betty boop' figure. She is off steriods now but you can still see the slightly rounded face. I say that, and of course, I can't find any pictures that really show it. :tongue_smilie:

[myfunnybunch]

Your girls are darling, both of them.

 

I don't have advice, just a hug. Your sweet girl is truly beautiful.

 

Cat

[Rivka]

I second the advice to look for physical activities she can do despite her health issues - not for "exercise" or weight loss, but to give her positive experiences with her body. Look into the "Health at Every Size" movement, which focuses on being your healthiest self whether you are fat or thin.

 

Also give some thought to what messages she is exposed to about bodies and weight. Do you say negative things about your own body, or talk about dieting? Do other family members? Are there fashion magazines and/or teen media in the house? Is she exposed to a heavy focus on "healthy eating" or "healthy choices," or handwringing news stories about the "obesity epidemic"? At six, hopefully you still have a lot of control over what she sees and hears, and can shelter her from some of our society's unhealthy obsession with weight.

[Jann in TX]

My oldest was/is a toothpick. NEVER exercises and still looks 'good' (but has zero muscle tone and is exhausted after walking to the mailbox). Family and friends consider her 'healthy' (NOT!).

 

My middle dd has health issues and has to deal with extra weight due to medications. Most people do not realize that this extra weight does not mean their appetite is increased or they are not physically fit!

 

My middle dd is 220 pounds at 5'8". She wears a size 16. She feels 'fat' all of the time and has major issues with self-esteem (we have worked forever on this!). This is the dd that rides her bike or jogs for HOURS every day-- walks to campus and all over campus (very hilly campus with 100's of stairs). She eats well and still CANNOT. LOOSE. WEIGHT. Her metabolism is driven by these medications and her body is trying its best to store fat to compensate!

 

She has had a lifetime of 'helpful' (bad) comments about her weight and what she should 'do' to become thin and beautiful like her older (unhealthy) sister! Family has been the worst... she does not talk to my parents anymore.

 

My daughter knows that without her medications she would be very very ill or worse-- dead. She knows her increased weight is a side effect. She thinks it is unfair--and it is. Underneath the extra 60 pounds she is healthier than most athletes! She has excellent muscle tone and outside of her health issues all other tests are 'better than perfect'.

 

We talk to dd about the fact that beauty is 'on the inside'. Unfortunately the other 90% of the population has their own ideas. HUMPH.:rant:

[happi duck]

:grouphug:

First, I'd give your daughter's doctor a call. If it's a long term medication thing common for her condition, they may have other, older kids who have dealt with this and can commiserate and let her know it's ok.

I'd also see if there is a physical activity she can do. Not to change her weight, but to feel more comfortable in her body.

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

:iagree:

[Mommyof4ks]

:grouphug: Your dd is beautiful, and she does not look big (just the steroid roundness, which is not much on her). One thing that I have heard from older kids on steroids is that it makes them feel like they are bigger than they actually are, so when they look in the mirror they see themselves bigger than they are.

 

My youngest son was on steroids just a few days a month for 3 years, and he had that same look to him. Then starting three months after he was done with those we had the opposite problem, and he was way too skinny for 2 years. He got made fun of for both. People just could not understand that no amount of exercise would change his shape when he was big, and no amount of food changed it when he was skinny. We tried to remind him that his meds were causing the problem, and without the meds he would not get better. I do not know if your dd will ever get off of the steroids, but the good news is that most kids slim down once they are stopped. If you have an end date try to play that up.

[Loudwater School]

I agree that it will help a ton to find some physical activity she can do that is appropriate for her shape, even aided by it. Some of the fat women I know enjoy swimming and bellydancing.

 

Also, get and read the book Fat! SO? It isn't for children, not by a long shot, but it does have a lot of facts and ideas that you can pass on and use with your daughter.

 

You could also find and subscribe to some fat-positive fashion blogs, and make a point of telling her when you see a cute outfit on one. Don't qualify it as, "she's pretty even though she's fat!" Just talk about that belt looking cute or that hairstyle being really flattering or whatever the fashion object might be.

[prairiewindmomma]

My ^dd^ was on high doses of steroids due to her brain tumor. Her weight doubled and she had the characteristic rounded face, etc. She was the same age as your daughter and was really bothered by the number of complete strangers who would comment on her size. (Inevitably it was middle aged women.)

 

One time we came out of physical therapy and a stranger said, "What a cute little chubbette." It was the closest I've come to physically hurting another person. It literally took all of my restraint to not react. My daughter was in tears and really opened up about how she felt about her body.

 

My daughter and I had a long series of discussions after that about how:

1. Some people are socially disabled and think badly about someone else because of how their body looks.

2. Some people have little control over how their body looks because of how it was made, because of what sickness they have, and because of what medication they have to take

3. It's more important how we behave and think than how we look

4. We live in a society where a lot of people have unhealthy thoughts about their bodies

5. We should want to take care of our body by eating good food, getting exercise, and dressing appropriately (modestly, in clean clothes, bathing, etc.).

 

My daughter became wheelchair bound soon after by breaking her leg (complication of steroids). We took her to exercise in the water. We also did a lot of fun things to help her be excited...bought flattering clothes, did her hair, painted her toenails, etc. I think exercising helped the most...she felt better when she had the chance to move freely in water.

 

I also talked openly about my body and what a challenge it is for me with my metabolism and arthritis issues.

 

My other children are super skinny....it's hard...