How to find a balance between gushing vs. not saying anything nice?

[I.Dup.]

I tend to be a gusher. That is how my parents are and it rubbed off on me. I embarrass myself sometimes with how I fall all over myself to compliment other people and say nice things.

 

I have noticed other people do not do this. I will clean my entire house top to bottom for company, and they never once mention how nice the house looks, or that I'm doing a good job in anything at all. (and I KNOW the house is spotless ;) ) My husband's grandparents are here right now and we spent hours making everything completely spotless and we don't get so much as a "you're doing a good job, the house looks nice and the kids are so well-behaved. Keep up the good work." That's ALL I want. That would mean SO MUCH to me. People are much more complimentary on facebook than IRL. I will dress my kids up really cute in matching outfits, KNOWING that everyone looks cute, and no one will say anything. I will dress myself up and put on make-up (rare) and wear a really cute outfit and no one except my other gusher friend will ever say anything.

 

Is this normal? Why don't people compliment each other?

[MariannNOVA]

I don't know why. I do think that what you wrote in your original post does sound right from my own observations.

 

This just popped in my mind -- over the years, the people who were most effusive in their compliments to me, in retrospect, tended to be the people who most disingenuous.

 

I think that it is most important that YOU are pleased with how everything looks, how your children are dressed, etc. You should do those things for you, not for anyone else -- if you are pleased, that should be enough.

 

I hope this helps.

 

fwiw, I have struggled with it for most of my life -- I am only recently coming to terms with it.:grouphug:

 

ETA:

When heather and her family visited recently, she and I joked about how busy I was (it was the height of swim team, dive team, social stuff at the pool). Heather 'saw' all the running around I do. My mom who lives in NJ, hears me talk about how busy I am but doesn't see it. She has no idea how much effort it takes me to keep everything looking nice and everyone looking nice -- maybe that's the difference: if someone doesn't see the effort we are putting into things, the actual physical effort, maybe it doesn't dawn on them to mention it.

Edited August 25, 2012 by MariannNOVA
corrected spelling error

[I.Dup.]

This just popped in my mind -- over the years, the people who were most effusive in their compliments to me, in retrospect, tended to be the people who most ingenious.

 

Can you explain what you mean by this?

[*********]

Years ago, I made a conscious decision to SAY the nice things I thought about people. From complimenting a stranger at the store on her cute earrings to spontaneously telling my sister how much I love her, I attempt to share small moments of kindness with people all throughout my life.

 

I made that conscious decision because I realized how much I liked when people shared kindness with me, instead of either just thinking it, or telling someone else. For example, why not tell sister A that her shoes are cute instead of telling sister B that sister A's shoes are cute, you know?

[Guest submarines]

The state of one's house and the way children are dressed is not something I compliment routinely. Maybe because a messy house or children who are not dressed in "cute" outfits is not something that affects me either.

 

I actually hardly ever compliment on appearance of children--I know mine don't like when others draw attention to their clothes or appearance, and I'd rather not overstep in that territory with others. I sometimes might compliment the child directly, if I notice they are particularly happy about their outfit or a hairstyle.

 

I would naturally compliment the house the first time I visit, but not how clean it is, even if it is, kwim? I might say, "I love this painting," or "What a great layut," but if I already been there a number of times, and the house is just clean, with no new additions, like new furniture, or a flower arrangement, it wouldn't occur to compliment on the house again.

 

I'm not sure I'd feel comfortable if someone was gushing over my kids' outfits and the state of my house. :001_huh:

 

I wonder if these are just personality differences. It is hard if you feel like your efforts aren't valued or appreciated. I get it. :grouphug:

 

ETA: I made it sound like I never say anythign nice to people! I do, I do! :D It is just the specific things that you mentioned that I normally avoid. But if I think about it, it is situation specific. If a friend told me that she was trying to declutter or change her furniture arrangement etc, I'd be sure to compliment her on the efforts. I'm still not sure in what context I'd compliment matching outfits. :tongue_smilie:

 

I also believe compliments should be genuine, and therefore, everyone will be drawn to different things to compliment friends and strangers on. The other day I really loved earrings a cashier was wearing, and I told her that I thought they were awesome.

Edited August 25, 2012 by sunflowers

[Remudamom]

I think you need to get over it. To a lot of people that just comes across as wanting a lot of attention and being needy.

 

I wouldn't expect company to gush over a clean house. When we visited my son and his wife at their new house I told them how much I liked the house. I'd never make a remark about cleaning.

 

Spontaneous remarks are fine, and I make them. But I don't want to feel pressured to always compliment this or that. See "needy" above.

[MariannNOVA]

Can you explain what you mean by this?

 

 

I corrected the word -- i had spelled it incorrectly. My 'funny' spelling error had me using the word: ingenious -- marked by originality, resourcefulness, and cleverness in conception or execution

 

I had meant to type:

dis·in·gen·u·ous/ˌdisinˈjenyo͞oəs/

 

Adjective:Not candid or sincere,

Sorry -- there is a puppy trying to help me type.:D

[justLisa]

I think you need to get over it. To a lot of people that just comes across as wanting a lot of attention and being needy.

 

I wouldn't expect company to gush over a clean house. When we visited my son and his wife at their new house I told them how much I liked the house. I'd never make a remark about cleaning.

 

Spontaneous remarks are fine, and I make them. But I don't want to feel pressured to always compliment this or that. See "needy" above.

 

I would have to agree with that.

 

I tend to be complimentary. But it's just me. I don't do it because I want people to do the same, KWIM? If it IS you, then you love to do it for yourself. If not, then lighten up and don't worry if the house is perfect!

 

I think I would be embarrassed to compliment someone on the state of their house. I don't do that. I can always find something nice to say about one's home, but it never has to do with the level of tidy!

[sparrow]

I think it really depends on personalities. I don't particularly like receiving compliments. Compliments often leave me uncomfortable. Because *I'm* like this, I don't tend to overly compliment others. I don't want to make them uncomfortable.

 

Obviously, you and I, would have a hard time together :lol:.

[I.Dup.]

I think you need to get over it. To a lot of people that just comes across as wanting a lot of attention and being needy.

 

I wouldn't expect company to gush over a clean house. When we visited my son and his wife at their new house I told them how much I liked the house. I'd never make a remark about cleaning.

 

Spontaneous remarks are fine, and I make them. But I don't want to feel pressured to always compliment this or that. See "needy" above.

 

To be clear, I do NOT want "gushing." I admitted that as a bad habit. But a nice word once in awhile would mean a lot, considering how much effort we put into things as homeschool moms, raising a big family, etc.

 

I would NEVER admit to anyone I know that is what I am wanting. No one in my life has any clue I would like to hear a nice word occasionally. My "gusher" friend is the only one who routinely compliments me (and everyone else).

 

The state of one's house and the way children are dressed is not something I compliment routinely. Maybe because a messy house or children who are not dressed in "cute" outfits is not something that affects me either.

 

I actually hardly ever compliment on appearance of children--I know mine don't like when others draw attention to their clothes or appearance, and I'd rather not overstep in that territory with others. I sometimes might compliment the child directly, if I notice they are particularly happy about their outfit or a hairstyle.

 

I would naturally compliment the house the first time I visit, but not how clean it is, even if it is, kwim? I might say, "I love this painting," or "What a great layut," but if I already been there a number of times, and the house is just clean, with no new additions, like new furniture, or a flower arrangement, it wouldn't occur to compliment on the house again.

 

I'm not sure I'd feel comfortable if someone was gushing over my kids' outfits and the state of my house. :001_huh:

 

I wonder if these are just personality differences. It is hard if you feel like your efforts aren't valued or appreciated. I get it. :grouphug:

 

Yes, I understand. Again, I don't want people gushing, that is not a good thing, IMO. I also don't routinely pick apart other people's clothing choices or cleaning ability but I will say things like "ahh, the kids look so cute! Where did you get those outfits?" or "you do such a great job, the house looks awesome! What paint color is that, I really like it." Things like that.

 

I don't EXPECT that, I just wonder why people so rarely say anything nice at all to each other.

[MariannNOVA]

I think you need to get over it. To a lot of people that just comes across as wanting a lot of attention and being needy.

 

I wouldn't expect company to gush over a clean house. When we visited my son and his wife at their new house I told them how much I liked the house. I'd never make a remark about cleaning.

 

Spontaneous remarks are fine, and I make them. But I don't want to feel pressured to always compliment this or that. See "needy" above.

 

:iagree: A simple -- place looks great and the conversation is done. You know the flip side is that if someone goes on and on and notices every little thing and mentions it, I will think they are sticking their nose everywhere.

[I.Dup.]

I don't do it because I want people to do the same, KWIM?

 

I don't do it because I want people to do the same, either. But since I AM like that, I wonder why other people aren't. And doesn't a kind or encouraging word make everyone feel good? :confused:

[I.Dup.]

I corrected the word -- i had spelled it incorrectly. My 'funny' spelling error had me using the word: ingenious -- marked by originality, resourcefulness, and cleverness in conception or execution

 

I had meant to type:

dis·in·gen·u·ous/ˌdisinˈjenyo͞oəs/

 

Adjective:Not candid or sincere,

Sorry -- there is a puppy trying to help me type.:D

 

Gotcha. Yeah, I don't want to be like that. I can see how the 2 would be connected though.

[Heather in Neverland]

Years ago I read that book on the five love languages. Yours sounds like it is "words of affirmation" ... We "speak" the love language we need. So you give compliments and words of affirmation because you need them. They make you feel loved and appreciated.

 

For other people, their love language is different. Mine is NOT words of affirmation. I do not need people to complimente me and in fact, I don't even know how to react properly when someone does compliment me (I am one of those who will downplay it out of habit).

 

However, my love language is gifts/acts of service. I show people I care about them by giving them gifts or doing something nice for them. I also feel loved or appreciated if someone gives me something or does something nice for me (my ds removed a dead rat from my office the other day!! :tongue_smilie: ).

 

So we run into problems when we think our love language should be everyone else's love language too. And when they don't do what we think they should we feel unloved.

 

If I came to your house I probably wouldn't say anything about its cleanliness. But I would bring you a pie or a bottle of wine! :D

 

 

 

.

[Guest submarines]

Yes, I understand. Again, I don't want people gushing, that is not a good thing, IMO. I also don't routinely pick apart other people's clothing choices or cleaning ability but I will say things like "ahh, the kids look so cute! Where did you get those outfits?" or "you do such a great job, the house looks awesome! What paint color is that, I really like it." Things like that.

 

I don't EXPECT that, I just wonder why people so rarely say anything nice at all to each other.

 

But do you really want to know where they got their outfits or what paint color they used, or you just want to be polite? I'm just curious.

[Heather in Neverland]

:iagree: A simple -- place looks great and the conversation is done. You know the flip side is that if someone goes on and on and notices every little thing and mentions it, I will think they are sticking their nose everywhere.

 

Sorry but those coffee cups you have were just so awesome!!! I couldn't help but gush over them. :tongue_smilie:

[I.Dup.]

But do you really want to know where they got their outfits or what paint color they used, or you just want to be polite? I'm just curious.

 

:lol: well I used those as examples. If I was interested, that's what I would ask. If I wasn't interested, I wouldn't ask.

 

I really don't mean to be disingenuous. I do NOT say things I don't mean, that would take way too much mental energy trying to think of things to say that are nice. :lol: But if I notice something nice, I will compliment them on it instead of keeping it to myself. I think I need to stop.

[Guest submarines]

I don't do it because I want people to do the same, either. But since I AM like that, I wonder why other people aren't. And doesn't a kind or encouraging word make everyone feel good? :confused:

 

I find that genuine compliments are rare, and the more compliments a person gives, the more all of them are suspect. :tongue_smilie: I think the current culture of "good jobs" for absolutely everything encourages mindless compliments.

 

I'm not saying that yours are mindless, OP, since I don't know you, but this is my general feeling.

[Soror]

I'm with Bethany in that I try to make an effort to compliment others because I think it is nice. However, plenty of people don't. The point of compliments is not for reciprocation but to do something nice for someone else. I wouldn't generally compliment someone on their kids outfits though, that wouldn't even be something I would think about as a thing to compliment another mom about. I do make small compliments if I think someone looks nice or if I visited somewhere and thought it looked nice, clean, etc. I don't try to think of things to compliment but if I think nice thoughts I try to share them and likewise try to keep not so nice thoughts to myself :) I think it is something you will just have to get over. I have a hard time worrying too much about what others think and it seems you do as well. In the long run you will not please everyone so you need to do what you can to live up to your own values and priorities.

[sparrow]

Years ago I read that book on the five love languages. Yours sounds like it is "words of affirmation" ... We "speak" the love language we need. So you give compliments and words of affirmation because you need them. They make you feel loved and appreciated.

 

For other people, their love language is different. Mine is NOT words of affirmation. I do not need people to complimente me and in fact, I don't even know how to react properly when someone does compliment me (I am one of those who will downplay it out of habit).

 

However, my love language is gifts/acts of service. I show people I care about them by giving them gifts or doing something nice for them. I also feel loved or appreciated if someone gives me something or does something nice for me (my ds removed a dead rat from my office the other day!! :tongue_smilie: ).

 

So we run into problems when we think our love language should be everyone else's love language too. And when they don't do what we think they should we feel unloved.

 

If I came to your house I probably wouldn't say anything about its cleanliness. But I would bring you a pie or a bottle of wine! :D

 

 

 

.

 

I was thinking the same thing about the words of affirmation love language. I'm an acts of service kind of girl. Show me you love me. Mow the lawn :D.

[I.Dup.]

I find that genuine compliments are rare, and the more compliments a person gives, the more all of them are suspect. :tongue_smilie: I think the current culture of "good jobs" for absolutely everything encourages mindless compliments.

 

I'm not saying that yours are mindless, OP, since I don't know you, but this is my general feeling.

 

I would agree. This is the climate I grew up in, and I guess I'm trying to figure it out. It's just what I am used to and I acknowledge I go overboard on it so I guess it's confusing to me why other people so rarely say anything at all to each other.

[I.Dup.]

I was thinking the same thing about the words of affirmation love language. I'm an acts of service kind of girl. Show me you love me. Mow the lawn :D.

 

Yeah, maybe that is my love language. I love when my Dh does things for me, but when anyone else does anything for me it makes me REALLY uncomfortable and I don't know how to deal with it.

[I.Dup.]

I'm with Bethany in that I try to make an effort to compliment others because I think it is nice. However, plenty of people don't. The point of compliments is not for reciprocation but to do something nice for someone else. I wouldn't generally compliment someone on their kids outfits though, that wouldn't even be something I would think about as a thing to compliment another mom about. I do make small compliments if I think someone looks nice or if I visited somewhere and thought it looked nice, clean, etc. I don't try to think of things to compliment but if I think nice thoughts I try to share them and likewise try to keep not so nice thoughts to myself :) I think it is something you will just have to get over. I have a hard time worrying too much about what others think and it seems you do as well. In the long run you will not please everyone so you need to do what you can to live up to your own values and priorities.

 

:iagree:

 

I just used the kids outfits as an example. If I notice someone has gone out of their way to dress their kids really nice, they are matching or something really cute, I will say something.

[MariannNOVA]

Sorry but those coffee cups you have were just so awesome!!! I couldn't help but gush over them. :tongue_smilie:

 

:lol::lol::lol:

 

the ones in the cottage or the ones on the rack on my kitchen counter. How long would it take me to ship them to you? You KNOW i am serious!!!!!!!!!

 

 

I agree with heather -- everyone has a different language of love. Mine is giving my time and what one needs - if it's a gift that suits them, then I have decided it is what they need.;)

 

Last summer, I was friends - close friends - with someone who had water troubles in her house, washer broke, on and on and on -- I offered in all sincerity and from my heart to take her laundry either to a laundromat and have someone do it (which I do all the time if I am overwhelmed) or to do it myself. She was insulted -- she took it as my saying that she couldn't take care of basics like laundry. Sometimes, maybe folks say nothing because it's just easier....and then it becomes a habit.

[Soror]

Years ago I read that book on the five love languages. Yours sounds like it is "words of affirmation" ... We "speak" the love language we need. So you give compliments and words of affirmation because you need them. They make you feel loved and appreciated.

 

For other people, their love language is different. Mine is NOT words of affirmation. I do not need people to complimente me and in fact, I don't even know how to react properly when someone does compliment me (I am one of those who will downplay it out of habit).

 

However, my love language is gifts/acts of service. I show people I care about them by giving them gifts or doing something nice for them. I also feel loved or appreciated if someone gives me something or does something nice for me (my ds removed a dead rat from my office the other day!! :tongue_smilie: ).

 

So we run into problems when we think our love language should be everyone else's love language too. And when they don't do what we think they should we feel unloved.

 

If I came to your house I probably wouldn't say anything about its cleanliness. But I would bring you a pie or a bottle of wine! :D

 

 

 

.

 

:iagree: I had typed something about love languages but deleted it. I like to compliment others because I think it is nice but it is not my personal love language. I prefer acts of service myself. I had a friend gush over me in front of our hs group yesterday and I found it horribly embarrassing(I meant to tell her later to please never do that again!!!).

[Guest submarines]

:lol: well I used those as examples. If I was interested, that's what I would ask. If I wasn't interested, I wouldn't ask.

 

I really don't mean to be disingenuous. I do NOT say things I don't mean, that would take way too much mental energy trying to think of things to say that are nice. :lol: But if I notice something nice, I will compliment them on it instead of keeping it to myself. I think I need to stop.

 

:grouphug: If you are genuine and compliment from the heart, not because you feel you feel pressured to say something nice, you don't need to stop. This is how you are. :D I have a friend who is naturally excitable and interested in everything and everything is new and brilliant to her--all the time. This is just how she is. She compliments me on everything! :lol: It is sometimes annoying, but I love her! :D

 

I'd examine the very roots of your compliments. Do you compliment because deep down you want to be complimented back? Or you are just a naturally excitable person who cares deeply about everything?

[MariannNOVA]

I was thinking the same thing about the words of affirmation love language. I'm an acts of service kind of girl. Show me you love me. Mow the lawn :D.

 

Precisely -- empty the dishwasher and swiffer/febreze the kitchen floor swo when i get in from my nail appointment, i don't have to.:D

 

I'm serious.

[I.Dup.]

:grouphug: If you are genuine and compliment from the heart, not because you feel you feel pressured to say something nice, you don't need to stop. This is how you are. :D I have a friend who is naturally excitable and interested in everything and everything is new and brilliant to her--all the time. This is just how she is. She compliments me on everything! :lol: It is sometimes annoying, but I love her! :D

 

I'd examine the very roots of your compliments. Do you compliment because deep down you want to be complimented back? Or you are just a naturally excitable person who cares deeply about everything?

 

Oh good, I'm not the only weird one. :D I would say it's the latter. I don't do it expecting to receive anything back (that would be awkward) but it DOES make me feel nice to hear a kind word every once in awhile and since I do that so often, I just wonder why no one else does. Now I know. :D

[RoughCollie]

Show me you love me. Mow the lawn :D.

 

Oh gosh. I'd love to have a throw pillow that says that! In my case, I should have that painted in Very Large Letters on the kids' bedroom walls. That'll show 'em.

 

I think people in general enjoy receiving compliments. They like it when people notice the positive things about them, even if it makes them feel uncomfortable. Later, when they are alone, they will savor it. (If that's not true, don't disillusion me).

 

The compliment must be sincere, or it carries no weight. If you say to me, "You look gorgeous today. I'd swear you aren't a day over 30", I'd think you were a liar. In your file in my brain would be those exact words, and you can bet your bottom dollar I would never trust you.

 

As for receiving compliments, I tell my kids and everyone who will listen (you all are a captive audience) just to smile and say thank you. That's it -- two simple words. Never, ever, refute the compliment.

Edited August 25, 2012 by RoughCollie

[Soror]

I was thinking the same thing about the words of affirmation love language. I'm an acts of service kind of girl. Show me you love me. Mow the lawn :D.

 

LOL, that is me as well. Dh likes words of affirmation. I finally picked up on that as he would constantly be giving all these nice compliments, I love you, etc. Really it was a bit excessive to me. When that finally sunk in I started working on doing the same for him. I've had to tell him in plain terms though that he needs to do things for me when he wants me to feel I love him.

 

Last summer, I was friends - close friends - with someone who had water troubles in her house, washer broke, on and on and on -- I offered in all sincerity and from my heart to take her laundry either to a laundromat and have someone do it (which I do all the time if I am overwhelmed) or to do it myself. She was insulted -- she took it as my saying that she couldn't take care of basics like laundry. Sometimes, maybe folks say nothing because it's just easier....and then it becomes a habit.

 

I have a tendency to do this as well. If it is someone I really care about or I see a need I think I can fill I try to jump in and offer, that is not always received well. I try to tone myself down now though.

[Heather in Neverland]

:lol::lol::lol:

 

the ones in the cottage or the ones on the rack on my kitchen counter. How long would it take me to ship them to you? You KNOW i am serious!!!!!!!!!

 

 

I agree with heather -- everyone has a different language of love. Mine is giving my time and what one needs - if it's a gift that suits them, then I have decided it is what they need.;)

 

Last summer, I was friends - close friends - with someone who had water troubles in her house, washer broke, on and on and on -- I offered in all sincerity and from my heart to take her laundry either to a laundromat and have someone do it (which I do all the time if I am overwhelmed) or to do it myself. She was insulted -- she took it as my saying that she couldn't take care of basics like laundry. Sometimes, maybe folks say nothing because it's just easier....and then it becomes a habit.

 

Well both sets were great but I am specifically talking about the huge stackable ones in your kitchen! Speaking of shipments, ours should be here soon and I cannot wait to put my cereal dispenser to use!

 

We can be BFFs and just buy each other stuff and do nice things for each other all day long and neither of us will feel the need to compliment the other one. :lol::lol::lol:

 

 

 

.

[justLisa]

I don't do it because I want people to do the same, either. But since I AM like that, I wonder why other people aren't. And doesn't a kind or encouraging word make everyone feel good? :confused:

 

Yeah I know what you mean. When my inlaws come they always tell me how great the kids are and I am to thank. They never say anything about my house because it is never spotless when they are here.

 

I guess I just don't think people need to compliment certain things. Like a guest will compliment me on a great meal, or my quilts. But I would not think it is necessary to compliment the superficial things such as the state of my house or what we look like, i.e., how we are dressed, etc.

[justamouse]

Years ago, I made a conscious decision to SAY the nice things I thought about people. From complimenting a stranger at the store on her cute earrings to spontaneously telling my sister how much I love her, I attempt to share small moments of kindness with people all throughout my life.

 

I made that conscious decision because I realized how much I liked when people shared kindness with me, instead of either just thinking it, or telling someone else. For example, why not tell sister A that her shoes are cute instead of telling sister B that sister A's shoes are cute, you know?

 

Years ago I read that book on the five love languages. Yours sounds like it is "words of affirmation" ... We "speak" the love language we need. So you give compliments and words of affirmation because you need them. They make you feel loved and appreciated.

 

For other people, their love language is different. Mine is NOT words of affirmation. I do not need people to complimente me and in fact, I don't even know how to react properly when someone does compliment me (I am one of those who will downplay it out of habit).

 

However, my love language is gifts/acts of service. I show people I care about them by giving them gifts or doing something nice for them. I also feel loved or appreciated if someone gives me something or does something nice for me (my ds removed a dead rat from my office the other day!! :tongue_smilie: ).

 

So we run into problems when we think our love language should be everyone else's love language too. And when they don't do what we think they should we feel unloved.

 

If I came to your house I probably wouldn't say anything about its cleanliness. But I would bring you a pie or a bottle of wine! :D

 

 

 

.

 

I'm with Bethany in that I try to make an effort to compliment others because I think it is nice. However, plenty of people don't. The point of compliments is not for reciprocation but to do something nice for someone else. I wouldn't generally compliment someone on their kids outfits though, that wouldn't even be something I would think about as a thing to compliment another mom about. I do make small compliments if I think someone looks nice or if I visited somewhere and thought it looked nice, clean, etc. I don't try to think of things to compliment but if I think nice thoughts I try to share them and likewise try to keep not so nice thoughts to myself :) I think it is something you will just have to get over. I have a hard time worrying too much about what others think and it seems you do as well. In the long run you will not please everyone so you need to do what you can to live up to your own values and priorities.

:iagree::iagree:

 

Compliments freak me out. HOWEVER, that is *my* problem, and over the years I've learned to be gracious and say thank you. It's offensive of the verbal 'gift' to ignore it or turn it away.

 

In turn, I have taught myself to compliment people. IT makes the world a nicer place. Not gushing, but a "Your shoes are so cute." to the physical therapist this week type stuff. (OK, like it's some sort of hardship to compliment cute shoes :tongue_smilie: ...but still!)

[MariannNOVA]

We can be BFFs and just buy each other stuff and do nice things for each other all day long and neither of us will feel the need to compliment the other one. :lol::lol::lol:

 

 

 

.

 

........I knew I loved you. :001_wub: We would be SO perfect together!!!

 

You have shed light on something between me and my oldest that only just now has made sense -- I buy her things, lovely things, gorgeous things -- I have had the most amazing baby layette shipped to her, gorgeous diaper bag (she told me to send it back she doesn't need it), always sending things to my two grand daughters, sent a shipment of maternity clothes to her just the other day as she was telling me she has nothing to wear - her maternity clothes are worn out.

 

And, she still treats me like someone who has crawled out from under a rock -- just like she watched her father treat me for years -- but that's another thread.

 

But, this thread has explained it to me -- my language of love is buying stuff -- OMG!!!! I am just realizing this.

 

When I taught first grade, one of the parents did the coolest thing -- she sent to every teacher a questionnaire and asked them what their 'language of love' was. And I did answer, someone buying me niceties -- even the smallest of niceties: like a starbucks in the afternoon right after the class gets back from lunch and the end of the day seems eons away.

 

This mom showed up every week with a starbucks for me -- I was eternally grateful to her. When she couldn't do it, she had friends of hers do it.

 

Thank you, heather, your simple sharing of the language of love has made so much clear to me. For my dd, little gifts are not her language of love -- I have to figure out what it is.:confused:

[Heather in Neverland]

........I knew I loved you. :001_wub: We would be SO perfect together!!!

 

You have shed light on something between me and my oldest that only just now has made sense -- I buy her things, lovely things, gorgeous things -- I have had the most amazing baby layette shipped to her, gorgeous diaper bag (she told me to send it back she doesn't need it), always sending things to my two grand daughters, sent a shipment of maternity clothes to her just the other day as she was telling me she has nothing to wear - her maternity clothes are worn out.

 

And, she still treats me like someone who has crawled out from under a rock -- just like she watched her father treat me for years -- but that's another thread.

 

But, this thread has explained it to me -- my language of love is buying stuff -- OMG!!!! I am just realizing this.

 

When I taught first grade, one of the parents did the coolest thing -- she sent to every teacher a questionnaire and asked them what their 'language of love' was. And I did answer, someone buying me niceties -- even the smallest of niceties: like a starbucks in the afternoon right after the class gets back from lunch and the end of the day seems eons away.

 

This mom showed up every week with a starbucks for me -- I was eternally grateful to her. When she couldn't do it, she had friends of hers do it.

 

Thank you, heather, your simple sharing of the language of love has made so much clear to me. For my dd, little gifts are not her language of love -- I have to figure out what it is.:confused:

 

YOU TAUGHT FIRST GRADE???? you never told me this. I would have been recruiting you to come work for me eons ago!!!!

 

Sweetie, I could have told you gifts were your love language simply by the way you killed yourself to finish the cottage before we arrived!

 

Ok, so your dd is not gifts or acts of service. That means she is either physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time. Do any of those sound like her?

 

You are a fabulous mom. And that is NOT a compliment. Just stating a fact.

 

.

[kalanamak]

 

I don't EXPECT that, I just wonder why people so rarely say anything nice at all to each other.

 

In family, this would have been considered intrusive. Only the very remarkable, good or bad, got a comment from my parents. Thus, I don't stand around expecting it from others. (This also means they kept their trap shut about things they disapproved of, too, thank goodness.)

 

I once asked my mother why she hadn't acted pleased or praised me for trying for med school. She immediately said: if we had, if you'd failed to get in, you might think we were disappointed. If someone raves on your nice house, you might be too afraid to have them back when it is messy.

 

Years back, my ex had an old friend visiting. Their 4 year old was staying with GM. They called more than once a day and spent the WHOLE conversation saying: You're so beautiful, you're so cute, your dress is so adorable. I could have screamed. No: we went to the forest today, what did you do, just raves about her physical beauty. From both mom and dad. Mom was 3rd gen Irish-American and dad was from Pakistan, so it wasn't mere "cultural". Still disgusting.

 

That said, when I am visiting people I don't know very well, and the house is clearly "lovely", I do tell them it is lovely. I don't say: great vacuuming job or really expensive drapes. I just glow lovely. But not my family members. Would be considered a bit intrusive.

Edited August 27, 2012 by kalanamak

[Kirch]

Years ago I read that book on the five love languages. Yours sounds like it is "words of affirmation" ... We "speak" the love language we need. So you give compliments and words of affirmation because you need them. They make you feel loved and appreciated.

 

For other people, their love language is different. Mine is NOT words of affirmation. I do not need people to complimente me and in fact, I don't even know how to react properly when someone does compliment me (I am one of those who will downplay it out of habit).

 

However, my love language is gifts/acts of service. I show people I care about them by giving them gifts or doing something nice for them. I also feel loved or appreciated if someone gives me something or does something nice for me (my ds removed a dead rat from my office the other day!! :tongue_smilie: ).

 

So we run into problems when we think our love language should be everyone else's love language too. And when they don't do what we think they should we feel unloved.

 

If I came to your house I probably wouldn't say anything about its cleanliness. But I would bring you a pie or a bottle of wine! :D

.

 

That's what I was going to say, but you beat me to it! :D

 

As far as facebook, I think that's because that's pretty much what fb is for. If you post a pic, the *point* is for people to notice and respond. Maybe if your house or kids had "like" buttons people would use them! :tongue_smilie:

 

Seriously, though, *you* know how much time and effort it takes to keep the house looking great and the kids adorable. Unless someone else is very close to you and *sees*

the time and effort, it's probably just not going to cross their mind and they'll just accept things as your reality and probably won't stop to think how things got that way. We tend to notice the unusual, so you would probably get more comments and compliments if your house/kids weren't usually like that and then you went the extra mile occasionally.

 

I do like Bethany's idea about being more intentional with compliments. I've thought about that before and try to do it more, but it just doesn't come naturally to me yet. Still working on it!

[kalanamak]

I think it really depends on personalities. I don't particularly like receiving compliments. Compliments often leave me uncomfortable. Because *I'm* like this, I don't tend to overly compliment others. I don't want to make them uncomfortable.

.

 

:iagree:But I have learned over the years that secretaries who spend a lot of their small wage trying to look very dressy, so love a compliment, and I've learned to speak what I think to them ("Oh, what a nice new "do". Makes you look younger."). Ditto nurse who get really classy scrubs. I might say it about some men's ties. I've learned there are tie fanatics out there.

[dbmamaz]

I think its both personality and culture. I grew up outside of Philly and my mom grew up outside of NYC . . we were always uncomfortable with the way southerners were always sweet because you never knew if it was because they really liked you, or if they were really lying but trying to save face / be polite. Furthermore, my mother was a constant liar so i never trusted ANY compliment from her - most often I figured she was buttering me up for some reason to set me up for something later.

 

It took me a LONG time to learn that, when someone gives me a compliment, i should smile and say thank you. I still get nervous when someone compliments me. Or does something for me. In fact, i feel really self conscious because i notice other people asking me polite questions or complimenting me and i dont realize until a while later that I should have done the same thing back.

 

Definitely if its important to you, you should let your husband know - let him know that it would make you feel good if he mentioned it when the house looked extra-nice. But also, be aware that some people dont even notice these things. I mean, kids dressed extra nice . . . does that mean expensive clothes? well, that would probably make me feel shoddy by comparison adn I wouldnt want to draw attention. Does it mean matching outfits and ribbons? honestly, i dont like such things so i couldnt compliment them.

 

but dont worry - i'm not very social so i'm unlikely to ever be in your lovely house!

[Plink]

Admitting my weirdness ... Hope you will still all love me after you learn my secrets

.

.

.

I detest having anyone compliment me on the cleanliness my house. First, it means that you noticed that I cleaned for you, which means I think that you will expect it to be clean again next time. Second, I have a home vastly larger than the one I grew up in and I still haven't gotten over feeling strange about the disparity between what I own and what my parents/friends/others have. Third, I really don't keep a clean home (the stuff is shoved in bins that I stashed in the basement or garage right before you arrived) so I kinda' feel the need to confess if you bring up the topic.

 

I have finally gotten over myself and will allow friends to help me dry the dishes or or fold laundry if I am sick, but I still don't really like it.

 

Strange but true.:tongue_smilie:

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Hmm. What keeps women from complimenting each other in a way that is supportive but not competitive or embarrassing? Why do we do what we do. LOL

 

I wouldn't compliment a fine house or children in matchy-matchy clothes. To me, that is only partially a praise of Mom. It's also a comment on her financial situation, and I don't like to do that. I don't want to mention your mansion or your kids' toys because those things reflect your income. I also wouldn't mention your trailer park or your kids' patched jeans, because those things also reflect income.

 

I also wouldn't comment on the cleanliness of your home. To comment about your washed windows is kind of indicating that I didn't expect you to wash your windows. If I take it as a matter of course that a good mommy cleans her house, it isn't something to mention. It would be like commenting on the fact that you washed your hair or mowed your lawn.

 

Also, if I praise you for being a good little housekeeper, that's kind of competitive. I'm sending a signal that I'm mentally white-gloving your house and judging you, and will always do so. I'm telling you that when you come to my house I want you tell me I'm a good housekeeper. Again, like the money issue, this is not what impresses me or what I want to 'put upon' another Mom.

 

So instead of commenting on your kids' wardrobes, I will tell you that they are beautiful. Instead of telling you that you are a good Mommy based on your child's behavior, I will tell you that I loved how you sang to the baby or were patient when your toddler spilled all the jam.

 

And instead of commenting on your scrubbed floors or your Ikea furniture, I will tell you that I love to visit you because you and your home are so comfortable and welcoming. Mentally, you can attribute that to your scrubbed floors and your carefully-chosen furniture arrangements, but all I said was that I love to visit your home. So if I say that on a day when your house is dusty or your sink is full of dirty dishes, you can know that I'm not a person who is judging you or competing with you in housekeeping. I just like you, and I like to be with you at your house.

 

I do acknowledge mothers. Nobody ever does that enough, so I love to encourage mothers. I just really, really want to do it in a way that you can know I will still be there to encourage you whether you are checking off all your boxes (kids look good, house looks good, dinner's perfect, remembered to exercise, etc. ad infinitum) or NOT. And I can't make you believe I'll be a friend on a bad day if I always compliment you on the box-checking.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Admitting my weirdness ... Hope you will still all love me after you learn my secrets

.

.

.

I detest having anyone compliment me on the cleanliness my house. First, it means that you noticed that I cleaned for you, which means I think that you will expect it to be clean again next time. Second, I have a home vastly larger than the one I grew up in and I still haven't gotten over feeling strange about the disparity between what I own and what my parents/friends/others have. Third, I really don't keep a clean home (the stuff is shoved in bins that I stashed in the basement or garage right before you arrived) so I kinda' feel the need to confess if you bring up the topic.

 

I have finally gotten over myself and will allow friends to help me dry the dishes or or fold laundry if I am sick, but I still don't really like it.

 

Strange but true.:tongue_smilie:

 

Sheryl, we posted at the same time! I obviously don't think you are weird.

[Desert Rat]

There was a Northern Exposure episode (remember that show?) that was about this and it has always stayed with me.

 

Ed was trying to become a shaman. He was really, really trying. And this little man "External Validation" kept getting in his way. Throughout the show he learned to get rid of External Validation and find pleasure in the the things he accomplished for his own sake.

 

Everyone has demons. I tend to listen to that little man, External Validation, too. I don't look pretty unless someone *says* I look pretty. I recently changed my style, relatively drastically, and no one really comments. I feel better about myself and that was why I changed my style. That has to be enough, because I can't rely on others to make me feel good about myself.

 

That Northern Exposure episode was in one of the later seasons and is entitled "Heal Thyself". It may be worth it to check it out. I don't know. It helped me so much and almost 20 years later, it still does.

[shanvan]

Years ago, I made a conscious decision to SAY the nice things I thought about people. From complimenting a stranger at the store on her cute earrings to spontaneously telling my sister how much I love her, I attempt to share small moments of kindness with people all throughout my life.

 

I made that conscious decision because I realized how much I liked when people shared kindness with me, instead of either just thinking it, or telling someone else. For example, why not tell sister A that her shoes are cute instead of telling sister B that sister A's shoes are cute, you know?

 

:iagree: And I made a conscious decision about it too, mostly b/c I htink everyone needs some encouragement or a compliment to brighten their day.

[Plink]

I wouldn't compliment a fine house or children in matchy-matchy clothes. To me, that is only partially a praise of Mom. It's also a comment on her financial situation, and I don't like to do that. I don't want to mention your mansion or your kids' toys because those things reflect your income. I also wouldn't mention your trailer park or your kids' patched jeans, because those things also reflect income.

 

I also wouldn't comment on the cleanliness of your home. To comment about your washed windows is kind of indicating that I didn't expect you to wash your windows.

 

Exactly!

 

Sheryl, we posted at the same time! I obviously don't think you are weird.

:D

[LaxMom]

:iagree: with what Tibbie said.

 

With your in-laws visiting, I would assume you always clean before they come, yes? So, in their minds, this is the normal state of your home, not the result of hours of focused effort. Is their house also clean? I know my parents' and grandparents' generations seemed to keep house much better - generally speaking, obviously there are exceptions - than I (and others in my age cohort, based on how many discussions we all have about housekeeping) do. So, maybe your house is just "normal clean" to them. Same with other aspects, too. KWIM?

[I.Dup.]

As far as facebook, I think that's because that's pretty much what fb is for. If you post a pic, the *point* is for people to notice and respond. Maybe if your house or kids had "like" buttons people would use them! :tongue_smilie:

 

 

Good point :lol:

 

Hmm. What keeps women from complimenting each other in a way that is supportive but not competitive or embarrassing? Why do we do what we do. LOL

 

I wouldn't compliment a fine house or children in matchy-matchy clothes. To me, that is only partially a praise of Mom. It's also a comment on her financial situation, and I don't like to do that. I don't want to mention your mansion or your kids' toys because those things reflect your income. I also wouldn't mention your trailer park or your kids' patched jeans, because those things also reflect income.

 

I also wouldn't comment on the cleanliness of your home. To comment about your washed windows is kind of indicating that I didn't expect you to wash your windows. If I take it as a matter of course that a good mommy cleans her house, it isn't something to mention. It would be like commenting on the fact that you washed your hair or mowed your lawn.

 

Also, if I praise you for being a good little housekeeper, that's kind of competitive. I'm sending a signal that I'm mentally white-gloving your house and judging you, and will always do so. I'm telling you that when you come to my house I want you tell me I'm a good housekeeper. Again, like the money issue, this is not what impresses me or what I want to 'put upon' another Mom.

 

So instead of commenting on your kids' wardrobes, I will tell you that they are beautiful. Instead of telling you that you are a good Mommy based on your child's behavior, I will tell you that I loved how you sang to the baby or were patient when your toddler spilled all the jam.

 

And instead of commenting on your scrubbed floors or your Ikea furniture, I will tell you that I love to visit you because you and your home are so comfortable and welcoming. Mentally, you can attribute that to your scrubbed floors and your carefully-chosen furniture arrangements, but all I said was that I love to visit your home. So if I say that on a day when your house is dusty or your sink is full of dirty dishes, you can know that I'm not a person who is judging you or competing with you in housekeeping. I just like you, and I like to be with you at your house.

 

I do acknowledge mothers. Nobody ever does that enough, so I love to encourage mothers. I just really, really want to do it in a way that you can know I will still be there to encourage you whether you are checking off all your boxes (kids look good, house looks good, dinner's perfect, remembered to exercise, etc. ad infinitum) or NOT. And I can't make you believe I'll be a friend on a bad day if I always compliment you on the box-checking.

 

See, I don't put that much thought into it at ALL. If I see something nice, and assume they went through any extra effort to get there, I will say something nice about it. I will say I think what you do and the specific compliments you do give are very nice and thoughtful and I would love, as a tired and insecure mom, to receive any one of them. I am not picky about compliments, it's just nice to receive a kind, encouraging word every once in awhile. :001_smile:

 

:iagree: with what Tibbie said.

 

With your in-laws visiting, I would assume you always clean before they come, yes? So, in their minds, this is the normal state of your home, not the result of hours of focused effort. Is their house also clean? I know my parents' and grandparents' generations seemed to keep house much better - generally speaking, obviously there are exceptions - than I (and others in my age cohort, based on how many discussions we all have about housekeeping) do. So, maybe your house is just "normal clean" to them. Same with other aspects, too. KWIM?

 

Yes, good point.

 

 

There was a Northern Exposure episode (remember that show?) that was about this and it has always stayed with me.

 

Ed was trying to become a shaman. He was really, really trying. And this little man "External Validation" kept getting in his way. Throughout the show he learned to get rid of External Validation and find pleasure in the the things he accomplished for his own sake.

 

Everyone has demons. I tend to listen to that little man, External Validation, too. I don't look pretty unless someone *says* I look pretty. I recently changed my style, relatively drastically, and no one really comments. I feel better about myself and that was why I changed my style. That has to be enough, because I can't rely on others to make me feel good about myself.

 

That Northern Exposure episode was in one of the later seasons and is entitled "Heal Thyself". It may be worth it to check it out. I don't know. It helped me so much and almost 20 years later, it still does.

 

I will look that up. I do tend to be painfully insecure and have looked for other people's validation to be my sense of worth...that's what I've always done. I need to find a way to stop.

 

I'm glad this conversation has been enlightening for others, too. :)

[shanvan]

:iagree: with what Tibbie said.

 

With your in-laws visiting, I would assume you always clean before they come, yes? So, in their minds, this is the normal state of your home, not the result of hours of focused effort. Is their house also clean? I know my parents' and grandparents' generations seemed to keep house much better - generally speaking, obviously there are exceptions - than I (and others in my age cohort, based on how many discussions we all have about housekeeping) do. So, maybe your house is just "normal clean" to them. Same with other aspects, too. KWIM?

 

I've been leaning toward thinking this for years. I do wish my in-laws would find something complimentary to say to either me, Dh, or the kids at least every once in a while. My mom gushes, and I'll admit I love it. She's my big encourager. Once, at some sort of function, she went on and on to my MIL about how much I am doing, how amazing it is, what a great job I am doing with the kids, what nice manners they have, how much they are achieving. When my MIL would not respond my mom forced her to say something nice. It was like pulling teeth. I had so many emotions after witnessing it. I was kind of glad my mom forced MIL to some sort of acknowledgement. But, it was also sad that she had to be forced. It was so weird. My Dh hates it that his parents will not compliment anything, ever, yet they have many criticisms of others.

 

A side note on the clothing compliments. I do like to hear compliments about Dc clothes at times b/c I mostly buy used and it can take a lot of effort to put together a nice outfit.

[Dustybug]

Years ago I read that book on the five love languages. Yours sounds like it is "words of affirmation" ... We "speak" the love language we need. So you give compliments and words of affirmation because you need them. They make you feel loved and appreciated.

 

For other people, their love language is different. Mine is NOT words of affirmation. I do not need people to complimente me and in fact, I don't even know how to react properly when someone does compliment me (I am one of those who will downplay it out of habit).

 

However, my love language is gifts/acts of service. I show people I care about them by giving them gifts or doing something nice for them. I also feel loved or appreciated if someone gives me something or does something nice for me (my ds removed a dead rat from my office the other day!! :tongue_smilie: ).

 

So we run into problems when we think our love language should be everyone else's love language too. And when they don't do what we think they should we feel unloved.

 

If I came to your house I probably wouldn't say anything about its cleanliness. But I would bring you a pie or a bottle of wine! :D

 

 

 

.

 

The bolded is so me. I feel embarrassed when someone compliments me. It makes me feel uncomfortable.

 

Hmm. What keeps women from complimenting each other in a way that is supportive but not competitive or embarrassing? Why do we do what we do. LOL

 

I wouldn't compliment a fine house or children in matchy-matchy clothes. To me, that is only partially a praise of Mom. It's also a comment on her financial situation, and I don't like to do that. I don't want to mention your mansion or your kids' toys because those things reflect your income. I also wouldn't mention your trailer park or your kids' patched jeans, because those things also reflect income.

 

I also wouldn't comment on the cleanliness of your home. To comment about your washed windows is kind of indicating that I didn't expect you to wash your windows. If I take it as a matter of course that a good mommy cleans her house, it isn't something to mention. It would be like commenting on the fact that you washed your hair or mowed your lawn.

 

Also, if I praise you for being a good little housekeeper, that's kind of competitive. I'm sending a signal that I'm mentally white-gloving your house and judging you, and will always do so. I'm telling you that when you come to my house I want you tell me I'm a good housekeeper. Again, like the money issue, this is not what impresses me or what I want to 'put upon' another Mom.

 

So instead of commenting on your kids' wardrobes, I will tell you that they are beautiful. Instead of telling you that you are a good Mommy based on your child's behavior, I will tell you that I loved how you sang to the baby or were patient when your toddler spilled all the jam.

 

And instead of commenting on your scrubbed floors or your Ikea furniture, I will tell you that I love to visit you because you and your home are so comfortable and welcoming. Mentally, you can attribute that to your scrubbed floors and your carefully-chosen furniture arrangements, but all I said was that I love to visit your home. So if I say that on a day when your house is dusty or your sink is full of dirty dishes, you can know that I'm not a person who is judging you or competing with you in housekeeping. I just like you, and I like to be with you at your house.

 

I do acknowledge mothers. Nobody ever does that enough, so I love to encourage mothers. I just really, really want to do it in a way that you can know I will still be there to encourage you whether you are checking off all your boxes (kids look good, house looks good, dinner's perfect, remembered to exercise, etc. ad infinitum) or NOT. And I can't make you believe I'll be a friend on a bad day if I always compliment you on the box-checking.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

If someone told me that I did a great job cleaning my house, I would think "Man, they must have thought that I lived in a pig sty before" and I would probably be uncomfortable with them being in my house anymore.

 

I agree about the clothes and such too. Also, matchy matchy isn't typically my thing and I also agree that clothing is a statement of income so I avoid complimenting them unless it's just something that I REALLY like, kwim?

[evansmom]

Can I just say..... "Good job on getting the house clean! It looks so good :)" We all know what a huge job that can be with kiddos running under foot.

As for compliments, I agree with you that people don't slow down enough or think about others as much as I'd like them too. Family we can't do anything about but try to surround yourself with others who are more your style. I try to always give compliments but am not as focused on looks because I feel our society is overly concerned with looks and kids get those comments a lot from others.

Have a great day and doesn't everything feel better when the house is clean and decluttered? I know lots of people say to ignore this aspect but for me, if our house is picked up and not too packed with "stuff", we all seem to relax and enjoy the space more than if it's dirty and messy.